This Loneliness Is Killing Me

I missed him. I missed him so much. I hadn’t even been away from him for 24 hours and I missed him immensely. I didn’t even know it was possible to miss someone as badly as I missed Shaun.

I had spent the night at Alex’s house and didn’t get a minute of sleep. It was too weird sleeping in a bed all alone. I could easily do it if it were on a different circumstance, like I had to go travel, but this time it was different because I left him.

I felt even more alone without him around then I did before, and I didn’t think that was all that possible either. I just felt like something was missing when he wasn’t around and I was starting to think that calling off the engagement and leaving him was a bad idea.

I twirled my former engagement ring around my index finger; it looked like such a dark object now. I hated it. It was so weird not wearing this ring after wearing it for months. Needless to say, I wore it anyway; it felt wrong not to and absolutely right to wear it.

“You ready to go?” Alex asked as I finished sliding on my jacket so we could make it to my ultrasound appointment on time.

“Yup.” I smiled before we left the house and got in her car.

Alex has definitely been there for me through these past horrible 20 or so hours without Shaun.

She wasn’t ecstatic about the way I had told him we were having twins and she certainly was not ecstatic with my decision to call off the engagement and having possibly broken up with him, but she understood.

He was putting me through so much stress and she knew it as destroying me and that I couldn’t handle that anymore and Shaun deserved what he got, but she didn’t like it. I mean, we were that perfect, happy couple everyone knew and she basically looked up to us, relationship wise, to make sure everything goes smoothly with Luke, At least they can learn from our mistakes though, ‘cause we’re clearly not perfect, and it showed basically the first day we had met.

We arrived at the hospital in less than five minutes. Alex lived a good distance away from the hospital, and no traffic, which is rare, made the trip even faster than it should’ve been.

My heart felt like it stopped the second I saw the all too familiar Lambo parked just a few cars away from us.

“Shaun is here?” I asked angrily.

She bit her lip nervously at me and smiled sheepishly, “Surprise?”

I looked at her apathetically; I was the least bit impressed with her.

“Look, you two were meant to be together and I can’t stand seeing you without him and all miserable. I know you try to hide it, and sometimes you do, but around me it shows a lot how much you miss him and need him. Sure, he made a mistake, but at least talk to him, it’s not like he cheated or anything.”

I continued to stare at her before rolling my eyes and sighing, “Fine.” I mumbled, unimpressed by her decision to sneak him to the hospital. “I’m not taking him back.” I added flatly.

She looked at me sadly as we walked into the hospital, the smell of bleach and death filling my nostrils, while the horrible fluorescent lights and bright white interior nearly blinded me.

Shaun was easily findable, it’s not like it was hard to find a mess of orange hair in a nerve racking white filled building.

He sat all alone on the furthest side of the waiting room and he was staring uninterested at an outdated pop culture magazine.

“Hey Shaun.” Alex greeted warmly to catch his attention.

He looked up and smiled sincerely at her and responded with a casual ‘hey’ before looking at me and smiling softly even though his eyes showed how hurt he really was.

“Hi.” I said simply as Alex went off to go tell the receptionist I was here.

“Hey.” He replied softly as I sat down next to him.

“How’ve you been?” He asked casually, it was clear that he had to force himself from not adding ‘dude’, or even possibly ‘babe’ at the end of his question.

“Good I guess, scared.” I replied simply, I could feel the ring burning a hole in my front pocket.

I had no where else to keep it, and I enjoyed looking at it and remembering what Shaun and I once had, but it didn’t belong in my pocket, it belonged where everyone could see it.

Shaun and I had grown so used to seeing it on my finger, that it was depressing not seeing it anymore. It hurt to say the least to actually physically see how much we were drifting apart.

“Scared?” He asked quizzically.

“Ya, not ‘cause of the whole birth procedure, I mean that is scary, but I’m more scared of our relationship. I don’t know where we stand and that scares me. I mean, I spent five years with you, and those have been by far the best, but now I don’t know where we stand and it bums me out.”

“If it makes you any less bummed out, I’d like to still be with you. Maybe not like before, which bums me out immensely, but at least like before I proposed, I want to fix things with you and eventually get back to what we used to be.”

I sighed lightly and ran my hand through my hair, taking note that Alex was easily stuck in line behind five different people.

“Why did you come here Shaun, really? And why do you care so much now, and not one month ago?” I asked, genuinely interested as to why he always wanted to fix everything at the last minute.

“Because I promised I’d be here for you like I’m always there for you. On top of that I wanted to tell you I still wanted to be in a relationship and that I really do care about you and these kids. I care about you a lot and I’m not just going to let you waltz out of my life that easily, I put you through too much and fought too hard to let you walk out that easily.” He stated genuinely and sincerely.

“Ok, then why now? Why not earlier when I warned you this would happen?” I asked, causing Shaun to shrug.

“I-I don’t know. I didn’t really think what I was doing was all too bad and I also didn’t think you’d actually go through with it.”

“So you didn’t care.”

“No! I care about you a lot Alison. I really, really do, I just, you told me not to give anything up so I continued skating, I knew Ashley was trying to flirt and stuff but I ignored it, I didn’t stop it because I didn’t want to be mean, and I’m sorry.”

“Shaun, she was your ex girlfriend, currently dating your best friend Mason, I’m your girlfriend, well fiancée at the time, carrying your kids, I’m sure you can man up and fucking tell her to leave you alone.” I replied blatantly.

“And I did the second you left! She stopped by because I left something behind and I told her to back off and leave me alone because she was ruining our relationship. I’m sorry Alison, I really am. I want you around for as long as I possibly can, I only see myself with you, not anyone else.”

I was growing impatient with his excuses, sure they were sweet but they lose their effect after you’ve heard it so many times, yet I always run back to him and accept his apology. He could’ve literally cheated on me and I’m pretty sure a month or two later I’d be back together with him. I had a weak spot for him, he was, essentially, my kryptonite, but he was also what made me stronger. I love him too much to not be with him. It hurt more to be away from him and have him crawling back to me than it hurt to have him ignore me and treat me like shit.

“Fine, but I’m still not marrying you, you blew that big time. I’ll remain as your girlfriend, but nothing more, not for another few years anyway.” I replied sternly.

“Alright, I can take that.” He replied, although clearly hurt knowing how much he had messed up ruined his chance of ever spending the rest of his life with me, well, for another few years anyway.