This Loneliness Is Killing Me

The second Shaun and I stepped foot off of the plane and into the LAX airport we were instantly bombarded with questions as the paparazzi shoved cameras in our faces.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t expect this and that I wasn’t ready for this, but I’m not lying when I tell you I don’t miss this at all and wouldn’t really want our kids exposed to this all the time.

I was actually really reconsidering having the kids born in California due to this over bombardment, but it was what Shaun wanted, and, truth be told, I wanted our kids to be born in the same State as well. I was just thankful that he wanted them born in Carlsbad and not L.A. Mainly due to the extremely low amount of paparazzi in town and it was definitely convenient for everyone considering they all lived there.

Shaun and I had already completed most of the interviews we had wanted to do. Only, about, two of them were on television. Oprah was first, and then we were rushed onto Leno, oddly enough. But he definitely made it fun and didn’t really keep the whole pregnancy thing and non-engagement the main focus of his interview. The rest of our interviews were for magazines though.

We actually had to do one last interview to clear things up before we could head back to Silverton for the next 3-4 months, maybe even earlier.

We both agreed that the second I’m put on bed rest, if I’m put on bed rest, is the second we catch a plane back to California.

“This interview is going to be pretty short. It’s going to be really basic too, no beating around the bush or anything, just straight forward questions, then you can either stay here for the rest of the day, or try to catch the next plane back to Colorado.” My agent stated simply as the three of us walked into the huge white building before being ushered by a couple of people, who I assumed worked here, into the nearest office.

The room was pretty empty, except for the chairs and the table and the recording device set up in the middle of everything.

I hated interviews like these; I always felt like I was being interrogated by the police or something; it was definitely an intimidating environment.

I rolled my eyes slightly before sitting down in between Shaun and my agent; and luckily we didn’t have to wait long until somebody sat down on the other side of the table,

The interviewer was definitely nothing like the room. He had messy hair and wore a tie-dye shirt with ripped jeans. He was definitely the opposite of who you’d imagine would work here.

“Wanna jump right into the questions?” He asked simply with a smile on his face.

“Sure.” I mumbled as I rested my elbows on the table and my head in my hands.

“Alright, are you actually pregnant?” He asked bluntly.

“Yes.” I replied just as bluntly.

“Do you know how far along you are?”

“Around, what, five months? Almost five months?” I replied unsurely.

“I’d say so. You don’t look five months though, which is good.” Shaun laughed.

“Do you know what you’re having?” The guy asked.

“No, we don’t actually find out until next week.”

“Really?” Shaun asked eagerly.

“Ya dude. We’ll find out what gender they’ll be.”

“They’ll?”

“Ya, its twins. Which is exciting I guess.” I laughed.

“I think it’s ironic. Y’know, considering you didn’t even want one kid.” Shaun joked.

“Good for you guys, any names?” The guy laughed.

“Not really, no.” I replied.

“We’ve got a girls name and that’s it. I think we should just put a bunch of names in a hat and choose that way.” Shaun joked.

“Alright, so, you guys aren’t getting married?” The man asked a bit quieter.

I bit on my lip lightly and felt my stomach plummet a little.

“Um, unfortunately no. It was called off.” Shaun explained.

“Mind if I ask why?”

“Just, a lot of stuff went down. It’s hard to explain.” I replied sadly.

“Do you regret that decision to not get married?”

“It wasn’t my decision.” Shaun stated.

I shot him an evil glare while he responded with a smug grin, “Yes, I mean, I love this boy, of course I’m going to regret it immensely after being together for five years, but shit happens and the best you can do is deal with it and be thankful for what you’ve got. We’re still dating, I love him and he still loves me, and before you know it we’ll have kids, sure we’re not getting married but it’s not the end of the world. We will get married eventually.” I replied and could tell that Shaun was smiling lightly.

“But you regret it?”

“Oh ya, big time.”

“So if he proposed again would you say yes?”

I bit my lip once again. I didn’t know how to answer such a simple question because I didn’t know if I would say yes. I wasn’t as clear and sure about my decision to marry him, as I was the first time.

I mean, I did want to marry him, but to call it off to get him to wake up and realize what he had just to quickly get back engaged would totally backfire. It was like we were 20 and 23 all over again. Sending mixed messages and making things more complicated then they needed to be.

I hated doing this to him because I know that hesitating to answer that question was definitely going to upset Shaun and I was going to have to listen to an ear full on the way back to Silverton.

“Um, I love Shaun. I really do, I love him to death and I’d do anything for him like he would for me, but I’m not so sure this time if I would say yes right away, if at all.”