This Loneliness Is Killing Me

“So, how long have you and Luke been a thing?” I sang, feeling a bit weird for acting so girly as I swam up to Alex.

I had never really hung out with a girl before, so I had never gotten used to the feeling of gossiping with girls. It was a weird feeling for me and I didn’t really like it. It just felt oddly out of character for me.

“Only a month.” She smiled.

“And you’re already fucking?” I joked.

“Well we knew each other for a little while already.” She explained.

I felt someone’s arms snake around my waist and they kissed my neck softly, “Don’t judge her babe, we did it, like, the first week we were together.” Shaun stated, his tone giving off the impression that he was smirking.

“Since when do you call me babe? And I’m not judging.” I replied, rolling my eyes.

“How long have you two been together?” Ashley asked, her face telling me she was a little shocked at how quickly we had started to have sex.

“Look what you did now, babe.” I mimicked, “Now she’s judging.”

“Five years, we’ve known each other for almost ten.” Shaun replied, completely ignoring me.

“Five years? That’s, like, forever.” She laughed.

“When you’re not around one another all too often it doesn’t feel that long. I mean, this is the first time we’ve seen each other in three weeks.” I explained.

“That sucks, I’m always following Luke around with the Frends crew, well he didn’t give me much of a choice though.” She laughed.

“We were like that at first, then the media caught on and our schedule’s just got massively over booked and we find each other on a different continent most of the time.” Shaun stated.

“Bummer.” She whispered.

I shrugged lightly, “Makes for a more interesting relationship I think. We don’t tend to get bored with one another’s company. You know what I mean? You always see celebrity couples splitting up in magazines because they take the tabloids too seriously in the end and they just always seem to be around each other, after a while that’d getting really boring I think.”

“Aw, is that really the only reason why you’re still with me? ‘Cause I’m never around?” Shaun pouted.

“No, but I’m more ecstatic to see when you’re gone for three weeks.” I laughed.

“Man, I see how it is.” Shaun replied as he let go of me and swam away just a little bit.

“Dude, seriously?” I pouted.

“With a face like that? Of course not.” He laughed as he swam back to me.

“Five years and you’re still like that?” Alex joked.

“I love the kid, I mean, look at his face, how could you not love that?” I laughed as I pinched his cheeks.

“I think Luke is a bit cuter.” Alex laughed.

“You’re only saying that ‘cause he’s, like, 24 and not 28.” Shaun replied as he slapped at my hands to get me to stop pinching his cheeks.

“Dude, you’re old now.” Luke laughed as he swam up to us, “Sorry, they get all lovey-dovey.” Luke explained.

“Do not!” Shaun and I replied simultaneously.

“We actually have this law almost where they have to keep their hands off each other.” Luke laughed.

“Since when was that sent into motion?” I asked.

“Since now, it’s unanimous dude.” Luke replied completely seriously.

“You guys are dumb.” I replied flatly.

“No, we’re being careful, we don’t want you to make little devil spawns in front of us.” He joked.

“A) I don’t want kids. B) If he ever wants kids, he can pop ‘em out himself, ‘cause I sure as fuck am not doing it, and C) If we had kids, they would not be the devils spawn.” I reassured.

“I think they would be, especially if they were little dudes.” Shaun replied, “I was a little problem child, I was horrible, and I can only imagine how you were like, so I’d say it’s a safe bet that our kids would turn out to be extremely problematic.”

“I can see you with these absolutely horrific twin boys.” Alex laughed.

“That’s exactly why I’m never having kids, ever.” I stated flatly as we started to slowly started to swim back to shore where everyone had started a bonfire, the only thing you could hear was the crashing of the waves, us paddling, and the soft sounds of the acoustic guitar that one of the boys was playing.

“Never?” Luke laughed lightly.

“Unless you’re offering to pop ‘em out, and carry a baby for nine months, then no.” I replied truthfully.

“You say that now, but just watch, one day you’ll be telling the whole world you’re having Ging’s kid.” He stated as he pointed to Shaun.

“I hate stupid ginger jokes.” Was all I heard Shaun mumble causing me to laugh.

We all quickly got out of the water, or skin instantly being consumed in goose bumps as our body attempted to adapt to the harsh cold that kissed our skin as we walked over to our towels and towards the fire that everyone was gathered around as Mason played guitar.

I groaned as I found my towel was practically soaked from everyone that had stepped on or had water drip off of them onto my towel as they reached to grab their own.

I hugged myself tighter to keep myself warm before I felt a dry towel wrap itself around me.

I looked over at Shaun and smiled at him lightly as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder to keep me warmer.

“You’re not going to get cold?” I asked as we made our way to the fire.

He shrugged lightly, “I don’t mind, you seemed to be a lot colder than me and there’s a fire, I won’t be cold for long.” He laughed.

“Well, if you’re ok with it.” I replied as we sat down, side by side, in front of the fire.

“It’s been decided that Shaun and Alison are going to have problematic twin boys.” Luke blurted out, laughing, earning a smack on the chest from Alex.

All the boys laughed before Kevin spoke up, “How was this decided?”

Luke shrugged lightly, “Seems like a legit thing that would happen to ‘em.”

“You guys would have the worst children ever.” Zane exclaimed.

“Well if you base them solely on Alison, then yes they would be.” Chris joked.

“I wasn’t that bad.” I replied as I rubbed my hands together to get warmer.

“Dude, you made or second grade teacher cry on several occasions.” Jake replied flatly, “Especially when you weren’t trying to.” He added with a laugh.

“Alison, that little sweetheart?” Louie laughed.

“All the fucking time. She actually went out to the park one day and caught a snake just to hide it in our teacher’s desk; our teacher was deathly afraid of ‘em.” Jake laughed.

“I remember that,” I smiled, reminiscing on all the shenanigans I had pulled in elementary school, “She turned a ghostly white and fainted.” I laughed.

“Or the time you set off a stink bomb in the teacher’s coat jacket.” Zane laughed.

“You were worse than me.” Shaun stated, “Compared to that I was a saint.” He chuckled.

“You must’ve done something.”

“I hit a lot of people and threw hardcore tantrums.” He replied, unimpressed with himself.

“Still wouldn’t want a set of twins that threw tantrums, hit people, and pulled pranks on their teachers ‘til they cried.” Luke stated.

I shrugged, “I don’t have a problem with the idea of kids, just they whole birthing process. I think kids like that would be such a riot, it’d be wild, but I’m not going to carry ‘em for nine months then go through labor, you’re all crazy if you really think I’d condone to that.”

“Makes sense, I just shot gun not babysitting.” Mason joked causing everyone to agree and spew off different stories about or non-existent children.

“I love how they’ve basically planned each prank our non-existent children will pull.” I said to Shaun with a laugh.

“Ya.” He smiled half heatedly as he wrapped his arm around my waist, “You really don’t want kids?” He asked almost as if he was a bit sad and upset with what I had said earlier.

“I-I don’t really know to be completely honest. I’ve never really seriously thought about it, let alone talked about it with someone that I would start a family with. And when I did talk about it, I’m pretty keen on not having any, I’d like to have it one day I suppose, but I don’t want to go through the whole pregnancy thing and labor thing and having to give up two really important things to me. That probably sounds really selfish, doesn’t it?” I half smiled.

“If I was in your position I’d probably think the same thing. Pregnancy and labor looks like a bitch.” He laughed before he stood up and grabbed my hand to help me up.

Nobody seemed to notice when we started walking away from them; hand in hand.

“I still can’t believe it.” He whispered, more than likely to himself.

“Believe what?” I laughed.

“That, after five years, we’re still together and I haven’t managed to mess anything up.” He smiled.

“That’s because you had done enough of that before we were even together.” I joked.

“I know, and I’m still overly sorry about all that stuff.”

“Stop apologizing, you say that at least once a month now.” I smiled before we stopped and lied down on the sand, the stars were out and they were amazing to look at, especially since you can’t see them that well in the city, but on the beach it’s breath taking.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” I smiled before I rested my head on his chest.

“And I do want to have a family, y’know, with you.” He stated nervously.

“I do too, but I don’t want to think about that right now, we’ve still got a while to go before we should even be talking about this.” I replied, not really wanting to discuss such a heavy topic this early in our relationship.

“Well, we’ve been together for five years, and I guess we’ve been in love for ten…” He trailed off.

“Still, I feel like it’s too early to be discussing this.” I replied honestly, “And I want to have your last name before I have your kids.” I added, feeling Shaun hug me tighter and I knew there was a smile on his face.

“Are you saying me knocking you up is too early, but me wanting to marry you isn’t?” He laughed.

“Well sorta but not really. Again, we’ve only been together five years.”

“That doesn’t mean anything though ‘cause we’ve loved each other for, like, ten years now.” He retorted.

“I know, but I feel like it’s too early.”

“You’re 26 and I’m 28… we’re almost thirty…” He stated.

“I know, but still. Age doesn’t matter to me, I just know I want to marry you and stuff, but I think it’s too early… at least for kids anyway.”

“So, you would have kids then?” He laughed and I knew he was smirking slightly.

“If I don’t have to deal with all that pain.”

“Get that shot thing.” He smiled.

I rested my chin on his chest and looked up at him, “How about a surrogate mother?” I replied, rolling my eyes.

“Well, clearly one or the other has to happen.” He laughed.

“Shaun, this topic is too heavy for me right now.” I confessed, trying to lighten the mood, “One day, maybe, I’ll carry your children or whatever, but when I’m older, and not as frightened about the whole idea of being pregnant.” I added.

“Alright, what about marriage?” He replied, adding a smile at the end to lighten up the question.

“If you asked I’d say yes.” Is all I replied with, causing him to smile widely.