This Loneliness Is Killing Me

“I can’t believe he actually did it.” Chris stated once again, oddly admiring my ring.

“You have no faith in Shaun.” Zane laughed as Chris handed me my ring as we continued looking through photos of this mornings photo shoot.

“And you did?” Jake asked as he set another picture in the pile of photos he thought were good.

“I was in on it.” He stated bluntly, “I was with him when he got the ring, I was the one he told the moment the thought popped into his head and I was the one that forced him to propose before the ESPY Awards because I knew he’d take his sweet time before asking her while the ring sat in his pocket burning a hole through it.” He added with a slight life.

“How long had he been thinking about it?” I asked, genuinely curious as I set down my photos and looked at Jake, the ring remained in the palm of my hand as I subconsciously played with it.

“A little while.” He replied bluntly.

“How long is a little while?” Chris laughed.

“At least a good six months.”

“It took him six months to propose?” Jake asked, slightly flabbergasted.

“Well, ya. At first it was just a thought, then we started talking about it more in depth and he decided it really was what he wanted to do, but he wasn’t even sure if you wanted to get married or would say yes, so of course he got nervous and didn’t pop the question sooner. He had to make sure first that you wanted the same thing he did and that you felt the same way and would say yes. You just made it easy for him when you said if he’d ask you’d say yes.”

“Alright, seems like something he’d do.” I smiled before slipping the ring back onto my finger.

It was definitely strange having a ring on my finger now, it was like an odd feeling of having all this weight lifted off my shoulder but also having more weight put on my shoulders, but I liked it. Whenever I put it on it just felt right, it was natural and I liked the way I felt whenever I had it on, that’s why I was constantly taking off and putting my ring back on.

“So, what are you two going to do about the media?” Chris asked absentmindedly as we continued sorting through pictures.

“Ya, you didn’t even wear the ring during the photo shoot.” Zane added.

“Well duh, it’d be kinda weird to have an engagement ring on while I smoked and skated for this photoshoot in particular, it didn’t fit it would’ve been weird.” I laughed.

“Alright, understandable, so what are you going to do? Not wear the ring for, like, a year until you decide to finally let the world know? I mean, who else knows besides us?” Chris asked.

“Well our family and that’s it, the other guys don’t even know yet.”

“So, when are you going to tell ‘em?” Jake asked.

“Well, Shaun and I discussed that, at least until the awards, that we want to keep it in between us and private for at least a little while so we can get over the surreal-ness of it I guess, before letting the whole world in on it. Y’know what I mean? Like, at the ESPY Awards I’ll wear the ring because we want to be with one another when we tell everyone, not on other sides of the planet.” I explained.

“So, are you just gonna be, like, straight up and say, ‘yo, we’re getting married.’?” Zane laughed.

“No, we’re just going to show up and I’ll have the ring on and if they catch it, they catch it and if they don’t, they don’t. We’ll just let things unfold on their own, but I’m going to wear the ring all the time form that point on, minus a couple of photoshoots where it just would be kinda weird to see, like for this shoot. We’ll start answering questions and get more into depth about it when they start asking questions and when we finally start thinking about the whole wedding part.”

“So, you haven’t even thought about the wedding, or when you’ll get married, or anything?” Chris asked.

“Not really, we’ve only been engaged a couple of days dude, and when the media find out it’ll be, like, two weeks. Of course we haven’t thought or talked about it. We haven’t been together to talk about it.” I laughed.

“Do you want to get married soon or do you want to wait, like, a million years?” Jake laughed.

I shrugged my shoulders, “I don’t know, again, haven’t thought about it. Hopefully in the middle?” I laughed. “I just don’t look forward to planning it at all.” I stated.

“Alright, how about after your married, what happens then?” He asked.

I shrugged, “I don’t know.”

“Do you plan on having kids?”

“No, I don’t want kids.” I stated bluntly, somewhat not even believing what I was saying.

“Really? None at all?” Jake asked.

“Well, I don’t know, I keep changing my mind. I mean, we talked about this once and I changed the subject because it was just too heavy of a subject for me to continue talking about. If I ever had children I’d want ‘em with Shaun, clearly, but that doesn’t mean I want kids. I think he does though…”

“Why don’t you want any?” Zane asked simply.

“Ya, ask that question again, but put yourself in a girls position where they have to pop out the thing.” I replied flatly.

“Ok, besides the pain, which we have epidurals for now, by the way, why don’t you want kids?” He re-worded.

I didn’t have an answer, the pain part was definitely the biggest factor as was having to give up snowboarding and skateboarding, “Don’t want to give up two things I love.” I shrugged.

“You’d end up with a kid though, that I’m sure you’d love more than a stupid sport or two. Plus, you can have kids when you retire or something.” He replied.

“I guess.” I sighed heavily, “Why does it feel like everyone wants me to have kids?” I whined.

“Because your kids would be cute.” Chris joked.

I couldn’t help but laugh along, “They’d be cute, but evil little shits. They’d be those kids you see on TV that look all sweet an innocent but are really the devils spawn. They’d be horrible, especially if they’d take after me, or Shaun, it’s really a lose-lose situation.”

“Shaun said he wasn’t that bad.” Jake reassured.

“You haven’t heard stories from his mom dude, he was exactly like me, but harassing the poor girls and gluing them down to their seats.” I laughed.

“Shot gun not babysitting.” They all shouted simultaneously.

“I wouldn’t want to baby sit it either.” I laughed.

“It’d have cool parents though, it could take out its bad behavior on the mountain or on the vert ramp.”

“I think once we’re finished with toddlers we’d have a pretty badass kid.” I smiled letting the boys continue rambling on about future children I’d have.

This whole conversation made me think about having kids with Shaun. The only thing I feared most was the pain; that was it, and having to give up boarding for a while. But they had a point, I could take it up or have kids when I retire, and as much as I love boarding, I’d definitely love a kid a lot more, and it wasn’t like it would hold me back from boarding, I could still continue with it later. I had nothing to lose, and just imagining what our kids would look like or how they’d be got me slightly excited and pumped at the idea of having kids.

At this point I was still on the fence about having kids though, but I could feel myself start to lean more towards wanting kids.