These Bright Lights Have Always Blinded Me

Ray's P.O.V.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! This is all my god damned fault! If only I'd let her speak to Mikey. If only I hadn't had my head so far stuck up my ass I would've been able to see this coming and somehow save her. Stop her, get her to talk to Mikey or something but no! I had to go be a fuckhead and push her away whenever she came close to Mikey, causing her to try commit fucking suicide! I'm such a cocksucking fuck up! I couldn't let it go and now she was stuck in fucking hospital fighting for her life!

I gave a grunt and stood up from the hospital chair that I had been sitting on with my head in my hands. Frank looked up at me and I could see the tears in his eyes. I looked away from him, unable to look him in the eye. I briskly turned away and walked out of the hospital. I had to get out of there, the place was choking me. I felt a lump come up in my throat and a familiar burn at the back of my eyes. I couldn't cry, not here, but my tears weren't getting the message. They filled up my eyes and threatened to fall. I knew if even one fell all the rest would fall. I broke into a run and sprinted out of the hospital, dodging everyone in my way. I had to leave, I couldn't let Frank, Mikey or Gerard see me cry.

I sprinted as fast as I could until I collapsed. I fell forwards onto the ground, skinning my hands and arms. The pain felt good in a sick way. It gave me something else to focus on. I looked up to see where I was and my vision blurred from the tears for a moment before I used the last of my restraint to push them back. I was near the place where Gerard found Belladonna dying. I felt my fists clench up and with a new burst of strength in my legs, I stood up and walked to a tree. Before my mind even registered what I was doing I was slamming my fists into the tree.

The bark of the tree scraped my knuckles harshly and ripped through the delicate skin covering my hands. With each punch shock waves ran up and down my arm and little bits of bark lodged themselves in the cuts over my knuckles. The pain got worse with each punch but I refused to let the pain get to me. I let the blood run down my fingers and smear across the tree. I heard a crunch coming from my left hand and pain blossomed and throbbed worse then before but I still refused to stop punching. It was the only thing keeping me from crying at the moment. I don't know if you know, but I hate crying. I hate it like vampires hate werewolves. I like werewolves. They're cool.

I sighed and finally stopped punching the tree. I leaned my head against the trunk of the tree and, just as I feared, tears started to slide down my face. I felt so horrible, so worthless...I felt like absolute, total and utter shit. To make matters worse, Belladonna said that she didn't blame me for anything I'd done. She was such a nice person and I was so...horrid to her. I wiped the tears from my face, which resulted in me smearing blood over my cheeks. I looked up from the tree up at the sky as more tears streaked down my face.
Please God, please save her. We need her down here...please, keep her here...

Frank's P.O.V.

I didn't really know what to do. I felt so small and insignificant. I felt worse than when Gramps was dying of cancer. Gramps had no choice in dying, Deli chose to, because we abandoned her. She said that she'd had it planned for months, but she'd put it off because of us then she attempted after we left her. It was our fault. My fault. I should've seen it coming, I should've not taken Ray's word for the gospel, I should've talked to her...

I groaned and quickly checked the time. My forehead creased in worry. It had been over an hour since when Ray had taken off. I heard the elevator ding and I looked over to see Ray walking in with his head bowed. His hands were swollen and red and he was clutching a small plastic bag. I couldn't see his face because he had his head down and his 'fro was hiding his face. As he walked closer he glanced up and that one second glance told me everything. His face was red and his eyes were bloodshot and puffy. Ray hated crying in front of people, in fact, I don't think I'd ever seen Ray cry in the 10 or so years that I'd known him. Not even when I smacked him in the head with my guitar by accident.

He came over and sat back down next to me. He was still hiding his face from me and I gave him a sympathetic look. Ray opened the plastic bag and I saw that he'd bought a whole bunch of junk food. I also noticed that his hands were covered in blood and his knuckles were bruised, cut and impossibly swollen. Ray reached into the bag and pulled out a small, red bag. The front was stamped with 'Skittles' and 'Taste the rainbow!' I looked at him questioningly and he shrugged.
"You like Skittles," he mumbled.
His voice was thick and scratchy, he had definitely been crying. I put my hand on his shoulder and he glanced at me. I finally got a look at his face and I gasped.
"Shit, Ray! What happened?!" I exclaimed.
I heard a rush of footsteps and Mikey kneeled down in front of Ray.
"Why've you got all this blood on your face?!" he asked anxiously.
It was obvious his nerves were stretched to the breaking point.
"What? Oh, well, got into a small fight and cut my knuckles and must've wiped the blood on my face without realising," Ray said dully.
I could tell that it was half truth and half lie. Mikey nodded and then looked up at someone, before getting up and walking away. If he hadn't been so distracted by Deli he would've seen that Ray was lying too.
"What really happened?" I asked.
"It doesn't matter," he muttered.
"Ray, I can tell you've been crying," I said softly, trying to be as quiet as I could for his sake.
I felt him tense under my hand and I looked at him uncertainly.
"I have not been crying. I don't cry," he growled.
"Ray, it's okay to cry," I said softly.
"I don't c-cry!" he shouted quietly, but his voice broke on the last word, which gave him away.
He dropped the bag to the floor and put his head in his hands as he his shoulders shook with what I knew to be silent sobs. The thought of Ray crying made me terrified. He was so solid, so immovable...it was like watching your parents cry.

Watching Ray break down like that made me wonder about Deli and how much we needed her. She was so important to us, she kind of held us together. I'd always kept this hope that we'd fix this thing in between us and we'd get back to being friends and I'd get my random buddy back. Seeing Ray cry made me realise just how precarious things were and how quickly it could change. Tears filled up my own eyes and as I put my hand on Ray's back for comfort, tears spilled out down my face.

Mikey's P.O.V.

I could see Ray and Frank huddled together and I felt a pang of longing and jealousy. They didn't have to worry about their best friend dying, they had each other. But then I felt the longing to have Bells back in my life, alive and happy. I turned away from them and looked through the window at Bells as doctors worked around her. They'd brought her out of theatre a little while ago but they were still working on her.
"Bells, please..." I whispered.
"Mikes, you okay?" I heard Gerard ask.
I sighed and faced him.
"Do I look okay?" I asked him.
"No," he replied bluntly.
"Right answer," I said.
"Wanna talk?" he offered.
I looked down at the ground. I forced my tears to stay back. I'd cried enough.
"I don't know..." I mumbled.
I really didn't. I felt like my whole world had been ripped out from under me and turned upside down. I didn't know what to do.
"Well is this affecting you?" he asked.
I looked at him incredulously. Was he fucking stupid?!
"No it's not affecting me at all! I mean, it's not like that's my BEST FUCKING FRIEND IN THERE! I-I-It's not like she could DIE at any fucking moment!" I shouted sarcastically.
"So you're angry?" he asked.
"I just think you asked a fucking ridiculous question!" I said, exasperated.
"Hey, from the way you were acting you could've been feeling nothing. I honestly don't know with you anymore..." he said softly.
I sighed and looked away. I'd become pretty cold and distant since Bells and I stopped talking.
"I just wish I could take it all back...I wish that I'd ignored the whole thing and stayed her friend...I wish that I'd come in at the same time as her and stopped her...I hate myself," I whispered.
"Now don't take that attitude, I'm pretty sure that Belladonna would kick your butt for saying shit like that. You're a great person Mikey," Gerard said, putting his hand on my shoulder.
I looked at him with a sarcastic expression.
"Yeah, I'm such a great friend. I turn my back on my best friend and let them attempt suicide. I should run for Friend-Of-The-Year," I said, sarcasm dripping off every word.
"Look Mikey, you didn't put that gun in her hands, and you read the note yourself. She had this planned for months. Besides, it was a misunderstanding between you guys and I didn't see her coming up to you and begging for a second chance," Gerard said.
I flinched, remembering the number of times she'd tried to talk to me but I'd let Ray drive her away. It just hurt so much and I didn't want to be around her.
"She did try. Many times. I just let Ray push her away," I said softly.
"...Oh..." Gerard said after a lengthy silence.
I swallowed hard.
"I fucked up didn't I?" I asked timidly.
"You could've handled things differently, but we always have to hang in there and hope. A little hope never killed anyone, after all she's not dead yet and it's a good thing she survived this long, particularly as she had slit her wrists and had two gunshot wounds to the chest. She's doing very well," Gerard said reassuringly.
I nodded dimly but didn't really take in anything. I felt so guilty.
"Guilt doesn't help anyone...blaming someone doesn't help...pray for her. That's all we can do now," Gerard said softly.
He pulled me over to the chairs and sat me down.
"Now Mikey, pray. Pray for her," Gerard urged.

I looked down at the ground and twisted my fingers awkwardly. I felt stupid for trying to pray when there seemed to be such little hope.
"Dear God, there's a girl in that room, her name is Belladonna. Please, God...please help her," Gerard said, his eyes closed and voice full of emotion.
I licked my lips and put my hands over his.
"She's an amazing person. So caring, so gentle, so fragile yet so strong. Please God, give her the strength to fight for her life," I said softly.
My eyes were closed so I jumped slightly when I felt small hands go over mine.
"God, please...this girl means so much to all of us...In the space of only a week she became our best friend. And she's the bestest friend anyone could ask for. I know it's selfish of us to want her to stay for our own personal reasons but please...please...keep her down here..." I heard Frank say, his voice thick with emotion.
There was a slight change in weight and my hands dropped a bit.
"God, you honestly couldn't go wrong with this girl. You made her perfectly and I know you want her to go up there with you but we need her down here. She makes us who we are...she compliments and balances out each of our bad sides. She saves us from ourselves. Please...let her stay...we need this girl...please... and if you do decide to take her...you'd better fuckin' give her the best up there in heaven or else when I get up there I'm gonna kick your big, old butt all the way down to Hell," I couldn't help but smile as Ray's voice, scratchy and broken added in his piece.
We each waited 3 seconds and then together we said,
"Please God, keep her with us. Amen."

Gerard's P.O.V.

"Friends with Belladonna?" a doctor asked.
Our eyes flashed open and we all leapt up.
"That's us!" we shouted.
He looked a little startled at the mad rush of four guys coming for him.
"Is she okay?!"
"Is she dead?!"
"Is she gonna make it?!"
"How bad is it?!"
Questions flew at him from all directions.
"HOLD IT!" he shouted.

We all stopped and Frank's mouth paused mid-air, he was obviously in the middle of asking him a question.
"Belladonna is fine. She had quite extensive surgery on her chest and a large number of stitches on her arms. You were lucky that you found her when you did. Another minute or so and she would have lost too much blood to be saved," the doctor said.
My face paled in shock and I gulped.
One minute from losing her forever...

"However, I would like to discuss something important with you," the doctor said seriously.
We all nodded and he took a deep breath.
"Is she the type to get into fights?" he asked.
I looked to Mikey and he was frowning.
"No, not normally. There's this guy at our school Damien who quite regularly likes to attack her, but he doesn't normally hit her or anything...not too badly anyway. She normally manages to slip away after crippling him somehow," Mikey said.
My fists clenched as I remember the sight of her crying in pain as he poured freshly made coffee down her shirt.
"No, he fucking pours freshly made coffee down her shirt instead," I spat angrily.
The doctor's eyes flickered to me as Ray's and Frank's eyes widened in shock.
"When was this?!" exclaimed Frank.
"The day you guys had your...falling out," I said.
"Fuck..." moaned Ray.
"Anyway, has she been in a physical fight recently?" the doctor asked.
"As far as we know, no," I replied.
"Is she a boxing club or something?" he asked.
"No! She's not violent! She's one of the least violent people I know!" Mikey exclaimed exasperated.
"Have any of you met her parents?" he asked.
Mikey looked at me and I shook my head.
"No...I haven't," I said.
"None of us have," Ray said.
"Hmm...do you know what they're like?" he asked.
I felt a stone drop in my stomach. I knew what the were like, to some degree.
"Well they loathe contact of any kind. They instilled it in her brain that touching people, even by the way of patting someone on the back congrats is too much," Mikey said.
The doctor frowned, confused.
"Hmm..." he murmured.
"Her father locked her in her room as a child, and if she talked I think he got physical...and I'm pretty sure her mother is an alcoholic. Mikey observed her limping badly one day with a split lip, and she's got some really nasty scars on her face," I found myself saying.
Everyone looked at me. Mikey, Frank and Ray looked at me surprised and curious. The doctor gave me a sad look. That's when it clicked in my mind.
"No...no...not her...you're kidding right?" I asked him frantically.
"What?! WHAT?!" Mikey cried.
"Don't worry Mikes," I said.
"I'm afraid so. She has all the symptoms of it," the doctor said.
I looked at him and then walked over to the seats and put my head in my heads. A series of images flashed in my mind. Images of a small girl, her bear and the huge shadowed man. The girl in the pictures she drew is her...