The Pain We Feel

Finally I was able to go home as the school day ended. I lay down on my bed and thoughts of Alex danced in and out of my mind. I kept thinking of how he left that note and I was so happy to know that he was thinking about me. Though I wonder what he would say if he knew what was my real distress. Even though I worried about him what amazes me is he may be having his own problems but he cares enough to still worry about mine. Then a thought crossed my mind about him. I had his number but he didn’t have mine. Should I text it to him since it’s only five? Do I just give it to him in class tomorrow?

I decided to text him as I tried to figure out what to say. It took awhile but I finally decided on what to say, Hey Alex. I just thought I’d text you so you could have my number saved to. Also, I wanted to say thanks for what you said in the note. It was very sweet of you. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow at school. Later Emily.

Then I pressed send hoping he would reply. What if he didn’t? what if he thought the text was weird? Then Rosettes song Crushed reached my ears. He had replied after all. I knew automatically that it was him since I had personalized his ringtone for that song. I was so afraid to reach for my phone to see what he had replied. Finally, I opened the text to see what he sent, Hey Em. K well thnxs. Nw I got ur # & ur welcome. I got a ? 4 u though. Do u alwayz use correct grmmer whn txtin? –Alex

I laughed at this because I had been so nervous when I had texted him that I had forgotten all about the ways of text talk. I couldn’t believe I was really getting a chance to talk to him outside of class. We texted for about an hour, then two hours, and before I knew it the clock read ten-thirty. My eyes were closing against my will. So before I couldn’t remember to do it I texted him good night. Before my eyes fully closed I heard his ring go off one last time. I dreamed of him that night but it was not a peaceful one. My dream reminded me of all that was still wrong with us.

I saw Alex in a room where I was, and he was in the corner. I started to approach him and I could see something shining. As I got closer to him I saw it with more clarity. It was a razor blade and fresh blood was on it. I looked down at Alex in disbelief as his arm was bleeding. The cut wasn’t deep but it was enough to scare me. He turned round to see me but then he just turned around back to what he had been doing. Then right then and there he made another cut in his arm. It looked so much deeper than the last.

I could feel myself starting to shake from what I had just witnessed. I was then startled by two arms that grabbed me and started to pull me away from the horrific scene in front of me. When we got out of there I couldn’t stand anymore. I fell down to the ground and fried. My whole body shook with the sobs that came from both of our pains, mine and Alex’s. I could feel someone trying to help me up, but when I looked to see who it was I became even more afraid. For their right in front of me was someone I thought I had long forgotten, but there stood Jacob looking right at me.

My alarm then started to blast with Sean’s song Down. I jumped from my bed and nearly fell down from the suddenness of it. I couldn’t believe it I hadn’t dreamt of Jacob in two years. I didn’t know what to make of any of it. I couldn’t think straight and before I could stop it tears were pouring from my eyes. All at once the memories of what I had of him over ruled all other thought in my mind. All these memories that I had put in the back of my mind and him along with them. It seemed so long ago, but they still hurt me whenever I see them playing in my head again from time to time. I finally managed to stop crying and put the memories back into the back of my mind after much effort. I knew I had to get ready for school and be on my way.

Jen found me sitting on a bench by our usual spot. As she sat down I couldn’t look up. I couldn’t face her knowing my eyes were red from crying. I just couldn’t she would know something was really wrong. I was trying to hide my face or at least my eyes. Then for the first time since the night before, I heard Alex’s ringtone. He had texted me good morning. Despite myself and what happened with my dream last night I replied. I decided to take a chance and look at Jen. That was a big mistake because she was staring right back at me.
In an instant I could tell she knew or could guess most of what was going on. She just kept staring between my phone and me. At first I couldn’t understand the look on her face as I heard Alex’s ringtone go off again. Then I remembered something and it explained perfectly the look on her face. The ringtone, how could I have forgotten about it? Before I had met Alex the ringtone was his. I hadn’t ever used it once since him.

I could feel her eyes still on me as I texted back. I was too afraid to look up now knowing what she would say or do. Jen and I had always been so close since the first year of middle school. Now it was our junior year in high school. We shared everything with eachother. We never kept secrets…until now. I sat there waiting for her to ask questions or accuse me of something but it was just quiet. I had put my phone on vibrate now and I was still texting Alex. Even though I anticipated something, nothing happened. We both stayed quiet in a silence that said all we couldn’t say out loud. I would look at her, but she wouldn’t even look back at me. I wondered if she would be like this later. The bell for first period startled me in my thought, but to my surprise Jen just left without a single word. So I left to my class wondering if it should bother me. I mean maybe she would be back to normal by lunch. Right?