The Pain We Feel

“Wow. Is that all you’ve been hiding from me?” She questioned for the third time. I was with Jen in my room talking.

“Just Alex, his possible cutting, and the dream with Jacob in it.” I replied with a sigh.

“I just can’t believe you’ve been hiding al that from me for so long.” She spoke with disbelief.

“Hey, I thought we were passed all that.” I quickly replied.

“Sorry, well I guess I should have thought of the possibility of you and Alex. After all, you always had that weakness for the mysterious types.” She joked laughing.

“I do not have a thing for mysterious types!” I claimed.

“Liar.” She coughed.

“Jen, you know that in no way is that true.” I continued to claim agitated.

She merely continued to tease me for being in a state of denial about my choice in men. Eventually it just led to us both in a contagious fit of laughter.

“Ok so maybe I have a tiny liking for the mysterious types.” I grudgingly admitted.

“There you go Emily. That’s the first step to getting help, and moving past your denial. Just admit you have a problem.” She patronized me in her calm voice. I just threw my pillow at her, and managed to get her head catching her off guard.

“Hey! Well, anyways another thing is you think Alex may be cutting himself?” She questioned all the humor leaving her voice.

“Yeah, I mean there’s what I saw in the dream, and then what I think I saw that one day in class.” I quietly answered her.

“I guess cutting himself might not be as bad as……………well some of the other possibilities.” She finished her voice suddenly grave.

Neither of us spoke for a few moments, and we both knew why. She spoke silently what I had thought a few times myself in that one lasting pause of her words. I couldn’t blame her for being a bit apprehensive about mentioning Jacob’s name after all the memories seemed still so fresh. They were so clear though I know we both wished they could wash away with the next leaving tide. After all, though it was behind us in our past, it seemed our past would still choose to haunt us.

“So what do you think you’re going to do about Alex?” She questioned cutting off the silence.

“I’m not sure of what I want to do yet. I mean I really like Alex and it’s been over a year since Jacob. Then again, I still have in mind that dream too. After him, I just don’t know if any choice I make will be the right one anymore.” I answered the confusion I felt seeping through my voice.

“Looks to me like you’ll just have to wait and see. Maybe you’ll find out the truth soon, somehow. Then if you two do head down that road at least you might know the truth or something like that.” She said trying to make sense of her words.

“Yeah, I suppose that is all I can hope for or at least hope for the best.” I replied finalizing the matter for us.

We didn’t talk much more after that as my mind drifted off to what it was now trying to process. Still, I couldn’t help but feeling a sigh of relief not being alone in these thoughts knowing that Jen knew everything. Right as she was getting ready to leave a sweet melody began to play on my phone, it was Alex.

“Good thing I’m leaving. I probably wouldn’t be able to get your attention for more than a minute with that distraction going on.” She laughed with a sly smile.

“Shut up, Jen. I’m not that bed, and I normally have a short attention span remember.” I answered while replying to the text.

“That may be true deary, but it shrinks in half when it comes to Alex texting you now.” She retorted tauntingly.

We both just laughed as the car pulled up to her house. She said bye as she closed the door, and then yelled from halfway up her drive that I better not stay up late texting. Being too far for her to hear me yell I texted her my simple reply, whatever. The rest of the evening passed by as simple and wonderful as possible. With no real homework to keep me occupied I texted Alex, and then Jen as well till I felt like falling asleep. Though still my mind was half gone thinking and reanalyzing everything.

I kept thinking and replaying in my mind all the events that occurred to me so recently. Could Alex really like me? I mean was it even really a possibility. I tried to focus more on the conversations I was in, but that did little good. I tried to lie down and attempt a little rest. This was nearly impossible with that melody going on off every few minutes always causing my heart to skip a beat. Though I didn’t want it to end I said goodnight, and put my IPod on to block all noises outside of my music till I fell into a calming sleep.

In the morning it was an ease to wake up. The night had passed by swiftly and dreamless, but I couldn’t tell if that was something to be glad for. Though, the peacefulness of my sleep cam abruptly to an end when my mind jogged up all the thoughts and images again of Alex. Till finally I had one thought that didn’t include him at all. It was Friday at last!

I made my way to school, and met up with Jen. I felt so much relief knowing that she knew and I didn’t have to hide anything from her anymore. I know that this wouldn’t erase all the problems that I had or make it any less complicated, but it was nice to know I wasn’t standing all alone on it anymore. My best friend would be right there with me no matter what just like last time. We sat down and talked in the courtyard like another day, and she still made fun of my short attention span since Alex was texting me again. Still what would school be if we didn’t have to go to class, and we both headed our separate ways to first period. As soon as the tardy bell rang I was already wishing the clock would move faster so I could get to third already. I had two hours till I could see him, and they felt like the two longest hours.

Slowly, but surely I managed to make it to third. I was down one hour, with one left to go. As slow as time was it didn’t lessen my anticipation to see Alex. As the thought of the weekend occurred to me again the realization that I wouldn’t see him for two whole days hit me hard and fast. The small pain from that didn’t last long because at long last it was time for third. I had finally made it pass the slowness of time.