I Only Had Eyes For You

April 22, 2010

I was ecstatic. You kissed me, but then, things started to get weird.

We started talking less.

At the next few parties I went to, you would say things like ‘I hate you’. I wasn’t sure if you meant it or not. You would say it in a joking matter, but your body language would say differently.

I messed everything up. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so open about my feelings toward you. If you didn’t know I liked you, maybe things would still be the same. I don’t know, though, that’s the thing. It might still be this way.

I’m so confused and I don’t know what to do. I need advice. I think it’s time to call in reinforcements.

My reinforcements ended up being Candy and Amber. They knew our history and could maybe help me see what I should do. We went out to lunch to talk about it.

At first, when we had all gotten to the restaurant, I vented. I couldn’t just keep everything in anymore. All that’s happened and how you started to be a prick. I couldn’t handle it, not because I’m so weak I can’t handle people being mean to me, but because it was you. I couldn’t handle you being mean to me.

When you were, it felt like someone was taking a knife and stabbing me through the heart.
My friends were supportive. They had thought you and I were cute together and now they liked you less because of how you were treating me. It was an obvious difference though. Where you used to come up to me and talk occasionally, is you trying to ignore I’m in the room. I try not to talk to you, for fear of the nasty things you’ll say. It’s hard and I probably spend way too much time just watching you when you’re around.

I sighed and both Candy and Amber looked at me with concern. I wasn’t sure what to tell them that they didn’t already know that would express my feelings. I opted for ‘I just wish things were back to how they were’. It seemed to do the job.

My friends were great. They helped me so much. It was going to suck when this year was over and they moved away. I’m not sure if I can handle thinking about that now, at least, not after the situation with you. I guess I should not worry about that yet, it won’t be happening for a while.

After our lunch date, we discussed getting together later that night to hang out.

We all agreed and then went our separate ways.

It turns out, there was another party hosted that night. Of course, we all went to it, so we were still technically hanging out.

I’m not sure whether I was happy about it or not, but you hadn’t shown up yet and it was already midnight. Some nights when you have to work, you don’t get off until eleven, so you’re there late. But normally you were there already. I was thinking you just weren’t coming, so I tried to stop thinking about you and focus on having a good time at the party.

I saw Brandon and his roommates there. One of the roommates was looking pretty intoxicated, but then again, I was pretty drunk already, too. Even though he didn’t need any more alcohol, Brandon’s intoxicated friend asked me for some of my drink and I gave it to him.

The boys all went downstairs while I stayed and mingled upstairs. A while later, I went out to have a smoke when I saw Brandon again, he had taken his sweatshirt off.

He told me how his roommate had thrown up on his back. It really wasn’t funny, but I couldn’t help but laugh. We stayed on the couches in the porch for a while and eventually the two other guys came and joined us.

I was starting to get dizzy and didn’t really want to move. I knew if I sat there long enough, I would sober up enough that I would be able to move without feeling the urge to vomit everywhere. That’s exactly what I did.

I walked with Brandon and the guys to his apartment which was only a few blocks away.
After about an hour or so, I left and walked home.

I crawled into bed and went to sleep, not caring about you or any of the things you were doing.