Shooting Stars and Satellites

It had been three days since everything had happened – since Gavin was shot. His funeral was taking place today, and as much as I knew that I needed to go, I was dreading it terribly. I didn’t want to have to see everyone’s sympathetic faces. I didn’t want to face his mother. And, most of all, I didn’t want to have to say goodbye. The moment that his casket would be lowered into the ground, would be the last moment I ever got to be near him. I didn’t know if I would be strong enough to handle that.

I had been confined to my bed, as my doctor had ordered me to. But it wasn’t like she really had to; I would have stayed in my room regardless. I didn’t want to be around anyone and I didn’t want anyone to be around me. I hadn’t showered since the day I came home from the hospital, but I had to today. It wasn’t exactly the best shower I’d ever had. My mother had to help me, and that itself was awkward enough for me.

I glanced at myself in the mirror, and nearly cringed. My eyes were bloodshot red and had dark circles around them. I grabbed a pair of black sunglasses from my dresser, and placed them on my face. I smoothed out my black dress, and out of the corner of the mirror, my eyes landed on Gavin’s green jacket. Tears immediately came to my eyes and I walked over to my closet door, grabbing it. I held it to my face, and felt the tears trickle down my cheeks. The jacket still held his scent, and it only made my heart break that much more.

“Alaska, it’s time to go,” I heard Kenny’s voice on the other side of the door. I sniffled and wiped my face, before opening the door. He looked at me and down at the jacket in my hands. “Are you ready?”

“No,” I admitted.

He sighed and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “I guess that was a stupid question.” He began leading us slowly down the stairs, making sure that the movements would cause me the least pain possible.

Once we reached the doorway, my mother opened the door and looked at me. She tried to give me a smile, but I could see the pain on her face. I bowed my head and walked outside. Immediately, the heat hit me and I glanced up at the sky, noticing the bright sun hanging high. I immediately narrowed my eyes and clenched my jaw. I was pissed. Today was Gavin’s funeral and the sun was shining. The world was going on as if nothing had happened and that made my stomach turn.

I was mourning and I wanted the clouds to open up and pour out rain. I wanted the thunder to crack and the lightning to flash. Because that was much, much better than the fucking sun shining.

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We were the first of few to arrive at Gavin’s funeral. His mother’s side of the family were the only ones to show, besides a few of his close friends; his real friends. In total, it took about fifteen minutes for everyone to arrive. I had avoided coming into contact with Gavin’s mother, Sherry, for as long as I could. However, once we gathered around the casket, my luck ran out. She stood to the left of me, and I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye. She reached her hand out and wrapped it around my own, giving it a squeeze.

The pastor of Sherry’s church began speaking and all heads bowed. He recited passages from the Bible and shared a few of his own words, as he had watched Gavin grow up, even though he had stopped attending church on a regular basis awhile back.

“Gavin’s mother would like to say a few words,” he spoke, his deep voice thoroughly showing distress.

Sherry looked at me, her hand still over mine. “Alaska, will you help me do this?” I swallowed the lump in my throat, and nodded my head, although I was scared out of my mind. As we reached the front of the group, she cleared her throat, and wiped the tears from her eyes. “I just want to thank all of you for coming, because it means so much to me, and I know it means a lot to Gavin.” She sniffled before continuing. “Gavin Michael Krompe was my only son, and my greatest joy in life. The day he was born, I took one look at him, and knew that he would be both a blessing and a troublemaker.” Everyone let out a laugh. “Although he may not have always made the best decisions, his heart was always in the right place … always,” she cried. “I don’t know how many times he always told me, “I just want you to be happy, mom, I just want you to be happy.”

Sometimes I’d wake up to him cooking me breakfast, or I’d go to pay a bill, only to find out that he had already paid it for me. Gavin was the best son I could have ever asked for, and regardless,” she paused and looked up at the faces staring back at her, “regardless of the mistakes he made, he was an amazing person and I wouldn’t have traded him for any other son in the world.” She wiped her eyes with the Kleenex in her hand, before looking at me. “I used to be so worried about Gavin when it came to relationships. I wanted him to find love and be happy. Two years ago, he came home from school with the biggest smile on his face.” She let out a laugh. “He was so happy ... I says, “Gavin, what’s got you smiling like that?” and he looked at me, his eyes were so big and he says, “I met the most amazing girl today, mom. She’s beautiful, smart, and she likes me … she likes me.”

Two weeks later he came over with this girl.” She shook my arm. “Gavin was always his happiest whenever Alaska was around him, or when he talked about her. And I couldn’t have been any happier for him, because he did choose one amazing girl.” She looked at me and tears were streaming down both her cheeks, like mines. “My son became an even better person when he met you, Alaska. You brought so much happiness into his life, and I want everyone to know that. Gavin died happy, because he had you, Alaska. He had found happiness in you, and that was all he had ever wanted.” She cradled my face in her hands. “I want to say thank you, because you looked past his imperfections and gave my son a chance.”

I began fully breaking down and I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her into a hug. “I loved Gavin so much, and I’m so sorry that I couldn’t stop what happened. I’m so sorry,” I cried into her shoulder.

She shook her head. “You don’t have to be sorry, honey. You have nothing to be sorry about, Alaska,” she told me.

I could hear sniffling and cries coming from everyone around us and I pulled away from Sherry, looking at her. “Could I just say a few words?”

She nodded her head, giving me a small smile. “Of course you can.”

I turned towards the group, and stuffed my hands into the pockets of Gavin’s jacket. “I know that not everyone understood Gavin and I’s relationship, but that didn’t matter to us, because we didn’t need anyone to understand it. We were happy together, and we brought out the best in each other. Gavin gave me so much love, so much, and I want everyone to know that. Sherry said that I brought out the best in him, but really, he brought out the best in me.” I looked at her and she gave me a teary eyed smile. “Gavin always hated when I said goodbye. He’d always tell me, “goodbye means forever and forever is ours, Alaska. Say see you later.” So Gavin,” I looked at his casket, “this is see you later. I love you, baby. I love you so much.” I clasped my hand over my mouth, unable to control myself any longer. My father walked over and wrapped his arms around me, as the pastor took over speaking.

“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou prepares a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

We all watched as slowly, Gavin’s casket was lowered into the ground. I reached out, touching the wood for as long as I could, until it was out of my reach. I buried my face in my father’s shirt, not being able to watch any longer.

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Sherry was holding a small gathering at her house. Whilst everyone joined in on conversations to remember Gavin, I hid out in his room. I laid down on his bed, and hugged his pillow to my chest. I closed my eyes and imagined him lying right beside me; smiling his beautiful smile and his eyes looking straight into mine.

God, it hurt so much.

“Gavin, I know you can hear me,” I whispered, looking out of his window. “I need you … I need you so much and I can’t stand it.” Tears began falling from my eyes again and I began full on crying, gasping for air. “My life is nothing without you, Gav … nothing. I’m nothing without you …”

I buried my face into the pillow and screamed. I screamed until my throat began to hurt and until I felt like my vocal chords might bleed, but it still wasn’t enough.