Shooting Stars and Satellites

John parked the car near the gravesite, and I clamped my eyes shut, my chest suddenly tightening.

“You don’t have to do this now if you don’t want to, Dove. I can wait,” he told me, placing his hands over my own.

I shook my head, letting out my breath. “Just wait for me, okay? I need to do this on my own.”

He nodded his head and I got out of the car, making my way towards Gavin’s tombstone. The minute it came into view, the tears pricked my eyes and that familiar feeling of sorrow returned. I gulped as I kneeled in front of his grave, softly grazing the grey marble with the tips of my fingers.

This was going to be so much harder than I ever imagined.

I licked my lips, tasting the salty tears that had fallen from my eyes. “H – hey, Gavin … I’m – I’m sorry I haven’t been visiting you like I know I should. It’s just so hard, Gav,” I choked on my tears, and shook my head, willing them away. “It’s so hard to come here and look at your grave, and have all of my fears be reconfirmed.

Gavin, I loved you as much as I could when you here – when we were together. You – you made me your world, and God, I’ll never forget every moment we shared together. Those memories – they’re all I have left of you, Gav, and I’ll always hold them close to my heart. I’ll always keep you in my heart.” I took in a breath, and looked up at the sky, not caring if I looked like a crying fool to strangers.

“Gavin, as much as I loved you, I – I fell in love with another boy,” I started, looking back at John for a moment. He gave me a small smile. “John – he makes me feel everything that I felt with you, and then some. He – he makes me smile and laugh, and God, does he get on my last nerve at times, but I love him still. He wraps me in his arms, and all of my hurt, Gav, it just goes away. It goes away and I’m – I’m happy,” I stated, smiling through my tears. “You’ll always be my first love, Gavin Michael Krompe. You’ll always hold a special place in my heart and I’ll never forget us, but I have to move on, baby. I have to, and I know you’ll understand – you always do. I love you, Gavie,” I whispered, placing a kiss on my middle and index finger before touching it to his tombstone.

I wiped the tears from my eyes as I stood up, suddenly feeling less heavy. I walked back to John’s car and got in on the passenger side. He looked over at me, waiting for me to say something, but I had just given nearly all of my energy to talking to Gavin, and I knew I still needed to visit his mother; I wasn’t ready to talk to John yet.

“Baby, are-“

I shook my head. “Not yet, John. I need to talk to his mom.”

Without saying anything more, we began making our way to Gavin’s house. It was silent between John and I, but it wasn’t an uncomfortable one – we were just both lost in our own heads.

When we arrived at the house, I unbuckled my seatbelt and looked at John. “You can come in if you want,” I offered.

“I’ll, uh, I’ll just let you talk to her, Alaska,” he stated.

I nodded my head, understanding his decision, and placed a kiss on his cheek before getting out. When I got to the door, I knocked twice before Sherry answered. A surprised, but happy look decorated her face and she eagerly pulled me into a hug.

“Alaska, baby! How are you?” she asked, smiling.

I tried to give her a smile back. “I’m fine, Sherry. How’re you?”

“Ah, as good as I can be, honey. I’m making it day by day.” I nodded my head, understanding her words. She invited me in, and we took a seat in the living room. “You know I’m always happy to see you, but is there any reason you’re visiting?” she asked.

I inhaled a large breath of air. “I – I went to visit Gavin’s grave today … I needed to sort some things out with him.”

“And did you?” she questioned, sounding curious.

I nodded my head, wrapping my hands over hers. “Sherry, you know that I loved Gavin. I really, really did, and if he were still here today, I’d be with him, you know that,” I told her, fresh tears springing to my eyes.

She nodded her head, squeezing my hands. “Oh, honey, I know, I know.”

I sniffled and looked her in the eyes. “I – I’m falling for another boy, Sherry, and I just – I don’t want you to be angry with me. I don’t want you to think that I never truly cared about Gavin, because I did.”

She gave me a sad smile and pulled me into a hug, rubbing soothing circles onto my back. “Alaska, I know how much you loved and cared about my son, but he’s no longer with us. And although that hurts, I know that he would’ve never wanted to see you unhappy, and I don’t want to see you that way, either. If you’ve found another boy, who can bring you the happiness my son once brought you, then don’t let the opportunity pass, sweetie. I could never be angry at you for being happy,” she said, and I could tell she meant every word.

I pulled away and smiled, wiping my eyes. “Thank you.”

She laughed lightly and waved me off. “There’s no need to thank me, child. But thank you for coming here and telling me that. It means a lot, Alaska.”

I nodded my head. “Of course. I – I also wanted to give this back to you.” I began pulling the ring off of my finger, and when it was finally off, I bit down on my lip, staring at it. “I can’t have this, Sherry. It isn’t right. Although it is from Gavin, and is such a beautiful ring, it’s an engagement ring and it doesn’t belong on my finger.”

Her eyes looked so sad as she took the ring and I feared that this would be her breaking point – that she would finally become angry with me. But, when she looked back into my eyes, I didn’t see anger. “I always wanted to see Gavin grow up and get married and give me grandbabies,” she laughed, “but it just wasn’t meant to happen, I suppose. I understand why you can’t wear the ring, ‘Laska. Don’t feel bad for giving it back, alright?”

I nodded my head, trying to smile, and she stayed staring at the ring. “I’ll – um – I’ll get going now, Sherry. I just – I wanted to come here and explain things to you. You deserved to know.”

She smiled and stood up as well, pulling me into another hug. “Remember what I said before, please don’t become a stranger, Alaska. You’ll always be like a daughter to me.”

I let out a sob as I nodded my head, hugging her tighter as I listened to her words. “I won’t, I promise. I love you, Sherry.”

“I love you, too, sweetheart,” she said, and I could tell she was on the verge of tears herself.

Once we said our goodbyes, I was out the door and making my way back to John’s car. Once I was sitting down with the door shut, I lost my cool and completely broke down.

“Oh, Alaska,” John cooed before wrapping both of his arms around me. “It’s okay, Dove, it’s okay. Please stop crying, love,” he whispered, rocking me like a small child.

When I was finally calm, he started the car and we drove back to my house in silence. We parked in the driveway, and I let out a long breath, feeling tired.

“Come inside?” I asked.

He nodded his head. “Of course.”

We walked hand in hand inside of my house, and although we were given questioning glances from our friends and my family, we didn’t say anything as we walked to my room.

I closed the door and took off my heels before going to lay in my bed. John undid his tie and kicked off his shoes, as well, before laying beside me. I rested my head on his chest, as his right hand ran through my hair repeatedly. I listened to the sound of his heart beating and closed my eyes, memorizing its rhythm.

“Alaska, I love you,” John told me, his voice quiet and soft.

I wrapped my arms tighter around his torso, and nodded my head.

It’s such a wonder on how the most horrific things in life can bring you closer to the people you least expected to ever be close to.

And it’s a wonder on how you can feel so empty and hollow one minute, and the next, one person enters your life, and makes you feel whole – makes your heart beat again.

I hate that I had to lose Gavin in order to gain John’s love in my life, but that’s how it had to happen. I’ll never know why, but I’m not going to drive myself crazy over it.

I guess I realize now, that there are some things that happen in life, that you just have to learn to let go.

I have a perfectly good boy whose arms are wrapped around me, and who just professed his love for me.

I’m not going to let it go to waste.

“I love you, too, John,” I whispered back.