Love Song

Jordan

Monday, March 31

When I visited the doctor a week after I took my test, I was told I was about five weeks along. I had long since thrown away my pregnancy test and Ryan never found it. I saw him take out the trash the day after I threw it away so there would be no chance of him knowing unless I told him. And I still wasn’t sure what I was going to do with this baby. I thought maybe an ultrasound would give me an answer. Maybe seeing the little guy would help me make up my mind. But when it was pointed out to me, my heart broke a little and I was even more confused than ever. I wanted this child. I honestly wanted it. But what kind of a mother would I be if I willingly brought this child into this mess? I’ve already spent the past two years hating myself for bringing Aria into it.

When I got home from the doctor’s, Ryan’s car was already in the driveway. I took a deep breath as I got out of my car and unbuckled Aria’s car seat. She was asleep like the dead now and this was the perfect time to put her down for her nap and get some stuff done. Ryan was in the living room when I came in and he looked at me with such anger I wasn’t expecting. I pointed to Aria asleep in my arms and I walked upstairs to put her to bed. I took longer than usual with the hope that he would be less angry when I came back down.

“So, Josh wanted to get together so we could start writing again,” I said, “The tour last summer went so well and we wanna get started on some new stuff as soon as possible.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Ryan asked without even looking at me. I stood in front of the couch, staring at him with my hands folded in front of me.

“Did I do something wrong?” I murmured. Ryan stood up without a word and grabbed my hand. I was hesitant but he would’ve dragged me along if I didn’t cooperate with him. Ryan led me up the stairs into our bedroom. He closed the door behind him and calmly headed for his dresser. After digging around in his sock drawer, he pulled out the pregnancy test I had thrown away a week ago. My heart started to pound and I looked down at my feet.

“Well? Are you going to explain this?” Ryan said, “Were you planning on telling me? Are you even still pregnant or did you kill it?”

“No!” I exclaimed, “I didn’t do it. I went to the doctor and I’m five weeks along now.”

Ryan threw the test down on the floor, “Why didn’t you tell me Jordan?!”

I couldn’t tell him why. If he knew my reasons, it would mean horrible things for me. I looked up at him but I couldn’t find the words to use in a lie. Ryan quickly approached me and before I could react, he swung and slapped me across the face. I fell to the ground and made an attempt to crawl away from him. He grabbed my legs and rolled me onto my back and pulled my closer to him, “Answer me!”

Without waiting for a response, he slapped me again. I started to cry and I covered my teary eyes, “I don’t know why I didn’t tell you! I just didn’t! I don’t know why. Please…please stop.”

Ryan’s expression softened and he kissed my forehead, “Why do you make me do these things to you, Jordan?”

All I could do was shake my head because I was crying too hard. Ryan helped me up onto my feet and he sat me down on our bed, putting his hand on my stomach, “You should have told me, Jordan. We’re adding one more to our family.”

I uncovered my eyes and smiled, though the smile didn’t reach my eyes. Ryan didn’t seem to notice though. He just kissed my cheek and rubbed my belly. I wiped the tears off my face and I let him show his affection because I knew he wouldn’t be like this forever. I knew this had been the wrong decision. But since Ryan had decided what would happen, I had no choice. I should’ve just thrown away that damn test myself.

“Yeah. Just one big happy family.”