The Man Who Can't Be Moved

In the span of the last twenty years, I’ve found myself knee deep in many an awkward and embarrassing situation. At sixteen I’d been caught red handed by an ex boyfriend’s mother who, after deciding to prance into his bedroom -despite the fact he’d closed the door behind us when we’d wandered in there to ‘study’ half an hour before- without knocking in order to put away his laundry, had caught her only son with his hand down my pants. When I was eighteen I’d been forced to spent the night sleeping on a couch in the living quarters of the fire station down the street from my house; I’d gotten drunk at a bush party, somehow managed to both lose my house key and get separated from my brother, and had stumbled halfway home at three in the morning to find the doors locked and no one willing to answer my incessant pounding on the front door. And most recently, I’d been busted in a somewhat compromising position with my new husband when Mario had busted us getting a little cozy in our Range Rover in the employee parking lot. I’d even been the girl in school who’d been called up to the front of the class only to be laughed at by her classmates because her period had started unexpectedly and the ‘evidence’ left behind on her school uniform pants.

I’d been mortified in all those instances; I’d suffered complete embarrassment each and every time and I’d never been able to look at my ex boyfriend’s mother in the eye ever again in the same way I feel my cheeks flush and my stomach twist and contort whenever I find myself anywhere near Mario. And I’ll never forget how humiliated I’d been when my grandfather had arrived the next morning to pick me up at the fire station after my impromptu ‘sleepover -I’d been too terrified to call my parents or my brother and tell them exactly where I was- and he’d proceeded to warn all the firefighters present if that any of them so as much had had ‘one illicit thought about my granddaughter, I’ll castrate the whole fucking lot of ya!’. I’d long ago grown accustomed to the long pregnant pauses that follow either myself or someone else inserting their foot in their mouth; I rarely make excuses or apologies for my trucker mouth or my off coloured, often phenomenally filthy sense of humour and I no longer possess a desire -thanks to the thick skin I’m developing because all of the nastiness, hate and venom that’s constantly spewed about me on Max Talbot fan girl blogs on the internet- to be universally loved.

Yet for some reason I can’t quite explain, -and despite what I tell my husband- I’m desperate to be accepted by Autumn; it’s like she’s the head of the cheerleading squad who’s dating the captain of the football team and I’m that little geeky grade nine loner that wants to be welcomed into the fold. It’s as if she’s just wandered into the family and made herself comfortable; she’s endeared herself to all of the other wives and girlfriends -including Peyton whose not only had Autumn at her house multiple times already but has visited Sid and his girlfriend at their recently purchased mansion in Sewickley- and she’s been christened as the new head of the WAG association and has all but been baptised as the Crown Princess of Pittsburgh. It’s like she’s some head of an exclusive country club that turns her nose down at anyone who doesn’t fit her standards; she makes me feel as if I’m not even fit to be serving drinks to the golfers or changing the toilet paper in the public bathrooms. I can’t help but feel as if she’s just taken over a certain aspect of my life; she’s attempting to poach my friends right out from under my nose, she’s shacking up with my ex boyfriend and now she’s even making herself comfortable at my birthday party.

I’m not entirely sure why she’d even come here in the first place; she’d made it quite clear in her phone call a couple of months ago that she thought I was an ‘unstable, immature, whiney little bitch’ and that only did she not anything to do with me, that she felt as if she was so much better than I was. And I can’t help but wonder if there’s something shady about her decision to show her face at my home; if she’s here to rub it into my face that she can effortlessly insert herself into my life and steal everyone that means anything to me before I even get a chance to stop her. Or if she’s even come to ream me out over being the sole cause of the dissention in the Pens’ locker room and for the way I’d handled the whole ‘Sid or Max’ fiasco’.

Then again, there’s a strong possibility that that there’s nothing sketchy about Autumn being here at all. That my hormones are just making me incredibly paranoid.

“You have a really nice place here,” Autumn casually comments, her eyes surveying the spacious kitchen as she strolls along the outer edge of the island. And as she glides her left along the top of the smooth granite counter top, I can’t help but notice that her nails are perfectly manicured -not those tacky, obviously fake, hideously long nails in some tacky shade but beautiful sculpted French tips that just add to the air of class that seems to exude from every pore- and that her ring finger boasts a thick band of diamonds and sapphires that sparkles brilliantly.

“It’s probably half the size of Sid’s place in Sewickley,” I say, and then quickly offer an apologetic smile as I notice her visibly tense; I’ve obviously touched a nerve by referring to it as solely his house. “Your place,” I correct, as I move towards the fridge. She makes me incredibly nervous; I feel as if she’s judging every move I make and committing every word I say to memory. “And thanks…” I say, as I toss open the refrigerator door and snag a bottle of vitamin water from one of the jammed packed shelves. “…it needs quite a bit of work, though. We ended up getting a pretty good deal on it because Max told the realtor that we’d do everything ourselves instead of expecting the old owners to have it completed before we moved in. And by ‘ourselves’ he means he’s going to unleash his inner Ty Pennington. You’d be surprised just how handy he actually is. Would you like something to drink?” I pause before closing the fridge door. “I have just about every beverage under the sun. About ten different kinds of pop, bottled water, beer, wine and my personal favourite, cherry Kool-Aid.”

“I’m fine thanks,” Autumn gives an appreciative smile and then sets the small gift bag she’d been carrying around in her right hand on top of the island. “So…” she drums her nails against the counter. “…you’re the big two-oh…happy birthday…”

“Thanks. It’s been an eventful one to say the least,” I lean back against the pantry door and tear off the lid to my water. “With Max deciding to channel his inner Mike Tyson the other night and securing himself a permanent place on the list of Pittsburgh legends with his whole ‘shhh’ moment.”

“The Orange Hush,” Autumn grins. “That’s what PensBlog is calling it. It was pretty epic. I doubt anyone will forget that for a long time. If ever.”

“Max has a way of making sure people don’t forget him,” I muse. “Half the time it’s not even intentional. He just has that type of personality, I guess. Makes his mark on everyone he comes across. Not to mention he’s pretty well known for his often questionable wardrobe and his acting abilities. Or lack thereof.”

“Not to mention his ability to grow quite possibly the most impressive playoff beard I’ve ever seen,” she adds.

“I don’t know if impressive is the right word for it…” I can’t help but laugh. “…but yeah…that beard is pretty damn hard to forget.”

Autumn nods in agreement and a long, awkward silence descends upon us. This is the moment I hate the most while ‘testing the water’ in a new friendship. If it’s even possible for us to ever be that close after all of the drama and the horrible way that I’d handled everything with Sidney. Autumn is ferociously protective of him and rightfully so. I’d noticed in the few short moments I’d been out on the deck with them after their arrival that she’s head over heels in love with him; it’s in the way she beams at him and hangs on every word he says and the way she giggles and blushes like a school girl if he so as much lays a hand on the small of her back or kisses her cheek. And it’s obvious he feels the same way about her; there’s nothing but pure adoration in his eyes when he gazes at her.

It makes me wonder if anyone ever notices if Max looks at me that way. I mean, I’m sure he does. But you’re usually never aware of that kind of thing; it’s something that usually only outsiders pick up on.

“It looks like…” she begins.

“I’m surprised that…” I start at the exact same time. “Go ahead…” I encourage, as a blush creeps into my cheeks.

“I was just going to say that it looks like you and Max have a really good thing going on here,” she observes. “You’ve got yourself a beautiful place to live, two babies on the way. I guess things can’t get much better for the two of you.”

“Things are amazing,” I confirm. “We’re happy. And comfortable. With everything’s that happened and everything that’s going on. We’ve found a certain level of peace when it comes to certain things, you know?”

“When it comes to what went down between the two of you and Sidney you mean,” she says, and I can’t help but bristle at the accusatory tone to her voice and the way her eyes narrow as she regards me.

“We’ve both accepted our share of the blame. We know what we did was wrong and we both wish we could go back in time and change things. Handle them differently. But we can’t, so…”

“There’s a lot of things in everyone’s lives that they wish they could handle differently,” Autumn muses. “God knows I’ve done some things I’m not exactly proud of. That there’s decisions I’ve made that I wish I could take back. People I’ve hurt that I wish I could make amends with. I’ve learned long ago that there’s nothing more painful than regret. And that it’s a waste of valuable time if you spend half your life wondering what if.”

“I guess you’d have a lot of those moments,” I say. “You know, considering what happened to your husband…”

“As horrible as it sounds, that’s one part of my life where I don’t have any regrets. Where I don’t ever wonder ‘what if’. It happened. It was tragic and senseless and it’s been a struggle trying to raise my son on my own. But I went on. I had to. I didn’t have much of a choice.”

“Well you’re a stronger person than I am,” I praise. “Because if something ever happened to Max…” I shudder at the mere thought.

Although I have to admit, there’s been moments during the middle of one of my many sleepless nights where I allow my mind to tread a morbid path; I fret about everything from the team plane crashing to the bus getting into a horrific accident to Max getting checked from behind and ending up a quadriplegic for the rest of his life. Horrific things that render me a sobbing, panicky mess and have me scrambling for the phone in order to call him and make sure he’s okay. I’d willingly take care of him for the rest of our existences if something ever happened to him where he was bed ridden or needed round the clock care; I wouldn’t think twice about having to spoon feed him every damn meal or even having to perform every single damn self help skill for him if he ever lost that ability. Love knows no bounds; it doesn’t stop because someone is no longer physically ‘perfect’. But the thought of ever having to live with my life without him in it…

********

“…I seriously don’t think I could go on if something ever happened to him,” I shake all the horrible thoughts from my head… “Or if I’d even want to.”

“Well hopefully you’ll never have to go through something like that,” she says. “I don’t wish that on my worst enemy.”

“Well it’s nice to know I’m not on the top of your shit list,” I dare to tease. “By the sounds of it I’m not your ‘worst enemy’.”

“It’s easy to hate you, Emma-Leigh,” she admits. “It’s easy to be pissed off at you for what you did to Sidney. Do you even realize how much you hurt him? How much you crushed him?”

“I’ve already apologized to him,” I immediately launch into defensive mode. “We’ve already talked and I’ve already told him that I was sorry. I never meant for things to get so out of control. I don’t even know how they did get that way. It just seemed so bigger than me. So bigger than all of us. And I got caught up in it and I just couldn’t think straight. I made bad choices. Horrible choices. But in the end I made the right one. I love Max and I don’t regret picking him. I only regret how I went about doing it. Sidney didn’t deserve what I did to him.”

“No…he didn’t,” Autumn agrees. “And because I love him in the same way you love Max, I find it hard to forgive you as easily as Sid has. I guess I do all the hating for the both of us. He doesn’t want me to, but…”

“So is that why you came here?” I inquire. “Is that why you showed up at my house? You just wanted to come and just let me know what you really thought about me? You wanted to just throw what I did in my face? Let me know that you think I’m this horrible, despicable person that deserves to be shot and pissed on?”

“I never said that. I never said that I find you a horrible, despicable person. I…”

“You don’t know what went down between me and Sidney,” I angrily inform her. “You weren’t involved in our relationship. You didn’t even exist yet in his life, Autumn. You have no idea what our life was like together. And if all you did was come here to be a self righteous bitch…”

“We have to co-exist, Emma-Leigh,” she interjects. “Neither of us have a choice. Because you’re married to Max and I am in Sidney’s life now and you and I are going to be spending a hell of a lot of time together. Now that I’m one of the heads of the Wives and Girlfriends Association and the meetings are held at my house, we have to find a way to get along. Whether it’s legitimately or if it’s just plastering smiles on our faces at events and pretending like everything is honky-fucking-dory. It would be much easier if you just put aside all of this jealousy and bitterness aside and…”

“Jealousy and bitterness?” I give a derisive snort. “What do I have to be jealous and bitter about? I was the one that walked away from him, remember? I was the one that gave up my chance of living the life you are now. Your brand new luxury car and your designer clothes and your fucking mansion? That could have been mine. All of it. And I gave that up. Because I fell in love with someone else. So spare me this bullshit about me being jealous of you. I can’t believe you,” I shake my head in disdain. “I can’t believe you’d come to my house…to my birthday party…and start this fucking crap.”

“I came here for Sidney,” Autumn retorts. “I came here because Max invited us as a way of ‘restoring the peace’. Do you even realize the drama that you caused? Do you even care about the mess you made inside of that locker room? What a mess you made of your own husband’s life? They were best friends, Emma-Leigh. Before you came along they were like this…” she holds up her left hand and crosses her middle and index finger. “…and you destroyed that. All by yourself.”

“Spare me your shit, okay?” I push myself away from the pantry. “You come to my house and bring this kind of drama? The same kind of drama you’re accusing me of causing? You’re a fucking hypocrite. And it’s pretty pathetic that you even did come here. That you just had to follow Sidney around like a little puppy dog scampering at his heels. Didn’t he ever tell you about how he doesn’t like women like that? Didn’t he ever give you the spiel about wanting someone ‘independent’? He doesn’t like clingy bitches, Autumn. So a little piece of advice? Knock it off before he kicks you to the curb the same way he did Carlisle. Oh wait a minute…you’re the reason he dumped her in the first place! ‘Cause you were so willing to put out!”

“For your information…” she captures me by the wrist before I can make it half way to the patio door. “…I was the one that talked Sidney into coming here in the first place. I was the one that told him it would do him a world of good to see you and Max together. That being around you two would make him finally accept once and for all that you’re happy and that the choice you made was the best for everyone involved. Do you realize that he still worries about you? Incessantly? That all he talks about is whether or not Max is treating you right? If you and the babies are okay? Do you think that’s easy for him, Emma-Leigh? To see you like this?” she nods down at my stomach. “Do you even care how that makes him feel? He’d be a father now. Had you not lost the baby…”

“Well I did lose the baby,” I spit, and yank my arm out of her grasp. “It happened. And I think about my baby…Sid’s baby…every goddamn day. But I can’t hold that against the babies I’m having now. Max’s babies. My husband’s. I’m not going to sit and wallow about what I lost, Autumn. Because I was given a second chance to be a mother. It doesn’t mean that I love my baby with Sid any less. Or that I don’t think about it all the time. That every once in a while I don’t think about what that baby would look like or what our lives would be like as a family. But this is my reality…” I lay a hand on my stomach. “…this is my life now. Max and these babies. I can’t go through the rest of my life grieving for what I lost when I’ve gained so much. I won’t do it. Because Max and our babies deserve better than that. And you…” I struggle to hold back a flood of tears. “…you had no right coming here and throwing all of this in my face. You had no right to come to my home and remind me of the darkest, most trying time of my life.”

“I didn’t come here to do any of that,” she sighs. “I didn’t come here to pick fights with you or to throw anything in your face. I came here for Sid. I did it for him. Because he needs that peace, Emma-Leigh. And I need you to help me give him that.”

“Fine…” I sniffle noisily. “…if that’s what you want…”

“You should want it to. For yourself. And for Max.”

“Don’t you do that…” I hiss “…you know that he’s my weakness. Don’t you ever use him against me like that. Don’t disrespect him like that.”

“The only one that’s disrespecting him is you,” she retorts. “By acting like such a spoiled, pathetic brat. You know…” she throws her hands up in surrender. “…for a wife and a mother to be, you have a lot of growing up to do little girl.”

And with that, she abruptly turns on her heel and stomps out of the kitchen.