I've Hoped For Change, It Gets Better Everyday

I sat on the swings for a long time, trying to sort my thoughts out. My phone had gone off all afternoon. I had fifteen missed calls and countless text messages, all from Jack. I looked at my phone debating whether or not I should call him back. As I stared at it, it began ringing again. This time I answered.

“Hello?” I asked timidly, I knew that this stunt I pulled was not admirable.

“Abigail, where the fuck are you? Do you have any fucking clue how scared I was when you ran out?” Jack sounded extremely pissed off, that explained the string of curse words coming out of his mouth. “Well? Where are you?”

I found my voice after swallowing the lump that had formed in my throat. “I don’t know. I’m at a park nearby I suppose,” I said softly.

“I’ll be there in two minutes.” He hung up the phone and I waited for him. It was stupid of me to run off like that, I know. But I wasn’t thinking straight.

I saw a car coming down the street and a very pissed off Jack Barakat in the driver’s seat. He glared at the windshield as I slid in. He started driving again; where to, I wasn’t completely sure. He didn’t say anything for what seemed like an eternity and the silence was killing me.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled, looking down at my hands.

“You have no clue how freaked out I was. What if something had happened to you? Your parents would kill me,” he snapped. “What the hell were you thinking? Are you stupid or something?”

The words stung, I’m not going to pretend they didn’t. “I wasn’t thinking,” I answered, keeping my eyes on anything but him. I could feel the lump forming in my throat again. He pulled over, turned off the engine, and sat there without a word.

“Look, I’m sorry. You’re not stupid, I was just worried,” he stated. He seemed less angry with me now. “Earlier, I was just messing around with you. I wasn’t going to do anything. I didn’t think you’d run out like that.”

I simply nodded, not trusting my voice to crack. I could feel tears threatening to spill over, an automatic reaction to any type of reprimand, especially if it was coming from someone I realized I cared very much for.

Hands were at my chin, pulling my face up. Jack looked at me as the tears won over and fell down my face, staining my cheeks with saltwater. He wiped them off with his thumbs.

“Don’t cry, Abby, I’m sorry,” he whispered.

I pulled away, and stared at the window. “I want to go home,” I whispered back.

He sighed, turned the ignition, and made a U-turn, heading back to my house. I found a napkin and cleaned my eyes, hoping that the mascara was water proof at least. I really didn’t want to explain to my parents why I look like someone died.

Jack didn’t say anything as he drove, the only sounds in the car were my sniffles, which I’m sure were annoying. He finally pulled up at my house and I opened the door right away.

“Abby, wait,” Jack said before I could get out completely. I stopped moving but didn’t turn to look at him, I couldn’t. “I’m sorry about today. This wasn’t supposed to happen.”

“I’m sorry too.” I closed the car door and walked up the walkway to my front door.

“Abby!” Jack called again. I looked back at him and he was walking toward me. “We – we’re okay right?” he seemed truly bothered by the idea that we weren’t.

I nodded. “Yeah, we’re okay,” I lied. There was no way I could face him at school or anywhere else for that matter after my idiotic episode.

He nodded and stuffed his hands in his pocket. “Okay then. You sure you don’t want to come?”

I shook my head. “I want to stay home.”

He nodded again and mumbled goodbye as he walked back to his car. I watched drive away until I couldn’t see him anymore.

Great, I ruined a friendship because I couldn’t handle my emotions and assumed something stupid.

Again.

~*~

My parents either knew I didn’t want to talk about it, or didn’t care to ask, because they neither questioned my red eyes nor did they ask why I was home so early. It was great for me because I ran up to my room, blasted some music and cried my eyes out on my bed.

I wasn’t sure why I was crying exactly, I just knew I felt crappy. I pulled out my diary and tried to write down everything I was feeling and why. In the end I had a list that all pointed to one thing: I liked Jack, so I formulated some fantasy in my head in which I hoped that Jack felt the same. I made up something I actually wanted in hopes that I’d get it; and I was crushed because that wasn’t what happened. Jack had said himself; he was only messing around with me.

I spent the rest of the night in bed, and all of Sunday. My mom came in and tried to ask me what happened. I told her it was nothing I felt like discussing. Then she asked me something I found hilarious, because it couldn’t be farther from the truth.

“Did one of the boys try to force themselves on you?” She asked delicately. I looked at her in disbelief and burst out laughing.

“No, mom. Jack and I just had a disagreement, a bad one,” I replied when I was done laughing. She looked relieved and didn’t press the subject any further. Once she established that nothing awful happened, she left me alone to deal with it. And that’s the way I liked it.

I spent the rest of the afternoon in bed, moping, with a carton of Ben and Jerry’s my mother brought me after they came home from church. Peanut Butter Delight, my favorite and the only thing I felt like eating today. My phone rang a couple of times before I turned it off and threw it in a drawer without checking who had called. No one but my parents or Adam called me, so I was pretty sure it was Jack, and I didn’t want to talk to him.

~*~

I still felt like crap Monday morning, but my mom told me I still had to go to school. I pulled my hair up into a messy bun, not in the mood to put any effort into it. I did, however, put on some blue eye shadow and used my eyeliner and my contacts; I had to at least look decent. I pulled on a pair of blue jeans, a turquoise shirt, turquoise tennis shoes and my butterfly jewelry. I walked downstairs and to my surprise, I found my dad was in the kitchen instead of my mother. My father is a lawyer and usually was at work early.

“Morning, dad,” I said as I grabbed the box of cereal from the counter and poured myself a bowl.

“Good morning, sweetheart.” He smiled as he opened up his news paper at the table. “Are you feeling better?”

“Yeah, I am. Thanks,” I replied, not really wishing to make this conversation last.

“Good,” he replied. That was one of the best qualities my dad had, he knew when not to talk about things. He drank some coffee as Adam walked in. He grabbed the box next to me and poured himself some cereal.

“Why are you eating my cereal?” he asked, smirking. “You said it was unhealthy and too sugary.”

I scoffed. “Well, maybe I feel like I should start killing myself with high sugar intake.”

Adam laughed. “You’re such a drama queen.”

I pulled a face and continued to eat my cereal.

Adam was only two years younger than me, a sophomore. But he attended a different school, the private school that Lisa went to as well. My parents thought it would be best to put him in a private school where he’d be less tempted to misbehave. I thought it was bologna; Adam was a troublemaker simply because he got bored easily. But, seeing as I’m not the parent, I had no choice in the matter. At times though, I wished he could’ve gone to my school so that I’d at least have him to talk to.

“Dad, football practice is going to run later than usual,” Adam told my father. “So I won’t be home at six.”

Adam was in football, he loved sports and anything where he could be in the lime light. He wasn’t conceited or anything, he just was naturally really good at everything and liked for others to know it; the total opposite of me. Where I was book smart, he was street smart. His grades were okay, but not the best, so I tried to help him and he tried to help me out when I don’t get something that is pretty obvious. He once tried to explain football to me; it didn’t work out so well.

“And Abby, I have this essay due in a week, but I don’t know how to do it,” he pouted.

“Okay, we’ll see if I can help you out tomorrow when I get off work. If not, then for sure on Thursday when I have the evening off.” I got up to put my bowl in the sink. My mom walked in, talking on the phone as usual.

“No, I specifically told you that I wanted mauve; not purple, not blue, mauve.” She was arguing with someone. My mother’s an interior designer and usually had these kinds of conversations constantly.

“Well if I wanted your opinion, I would’ve asked for it. Now I wanted mauve, so I expect it to be the color I see when I walk in those doors tomorrow. Goodbye.” She hung up the phone and smiled brightly. “Good morning.”

We all smiled at her as she grabbed a mug of coffee and sat at the table. “Well this is a first. We’re all sitting at the table for breakfast.” She smiled happily.

The rest of the family talked around me until Adam gathered enough courage to ask what happened Saturday night. My mother was suddenly very interested in her manicure, while my father coughed awkwardly. I stared at Adam for a second before deciding that I wasn’t going to tell them.

“It’s not something I want to talk about. Sorry,” I answered and got up to go to my room. “I’ve got to get going to school. So I’ll see you guys later after work.” I ran upstairs and grabbed my back pack and phone. I walked outside as my dad and Adam got into the car to take him to school. It’s a shame it’s in the opposite direction of my school. I really needed to save money for a car.

I arrived at the bus stop with a ton of time to spare and I was the first one there. I sat on the ground, not caring whether or not my pants would get dirty. I watched the younger kids that walked by on their way to the elementary school across the street.

Kids didn’t appeal to me the way they did to most people. I found them adorable at times, but for the most part they annoyed the crap out of me. I watched as a mother with two little boys, twins by the looks of it, struggled to get them out of the car.

“So help me god, you will get down and go to school this instant!” She yelled. The boys stuck their tongues out and pulled faces, not once giving her hope that she’d get them out soon. Then she did the stupidest thing ever; she turned her back on them in frustration. The boys grabbed the doors and slammed them shut, locking them in the process. Then the mother said something that no elementary school zone should hear.

I chuckled quietly. That’s why I didn’t want kids, ever.

After a few minutes the usual people gathered around the bus stop, looking at me with a confused look. Then Elton showed up and stood next to me. I was eye level with his knees, but looked up when I heard him speak. “Where’s your boyfriend?” He asked. His voice was absent of sarcasm; a first.

“He’s not my boyfriend, and I don’t know,” I answered curtly. Then, as if on cue, Jack and Alex pulled up. I looked away immediately, hoping to ignore them.

“Abby! C’mon, I know you saw us!” Alex called. I back at them and noticed that Jack didn’t look very enthusiastic about the situation. In fact, it seemed like Alex was forcing him to be here. For some reason, that hurt, even though I’d come to terms with the fact that Jack didn’t have the same feelings for me, that I did.

“Abby, get in the car!” Alex was about to step out when I heard Jack speak. It was low, but loud enough for me to hear it.

“If she doesn’t want to come then leave her,” he muttered. I looked down at my hands.

I should have expected this; I never answered any of his calls. Of course he didn’t want me to go. Alex looked at him for a minute, and then looked back questioningly at me.

“No thanks, Alex. I’ll take the bus,” I shrugged. He nodded slowly and waved goodbye to me before Jack drove away. I noticed Elton studying me. “What?”

“Nothing, it’s just that I thought you and that guy were together. But the way you two didn’t really talk says otherwise,” he replied with a raised eyebrow.

“Well, we aren’t together, nor were we ever together,” I stated. Why Elton cared so much was beyond me, but it sounded as if he were prying. “I’d rather not talk about this with you.”

Elton shrugged and nodded. “Okay. You know I don’t think I ever actually apologized to you for all the crap we’ve done to you. I’m sorry.”

I looked up at him shocked that those words would ever come out of his mouth. I stared in disbelief trying to figure out if he was sincere. It seemed he was.

“Thank you. I appreciate it,” I replied simply. I really did appreciate it, but I wasn’t stupid enough to forget all about what he and everyone else had done to me for the last three years. He nodded and said nothing more. Finally, the bus picked us up and I found myself at my locker, pulling out my books. Alex walked up to me and stood next to my locker until I acknowledged him.

“Hey Alex,” I greeted him.

“Hey,” he answered back. “What’s going on with you? You didn’t go with us to the party, and you didn’t want to ride with us.”

I looked at my locker and ignored his question.

“That’s not nice, Abs,” he admonished.

“I really don’t want to talk about it. Sorry,” I sighed. That seemed to be my sentence for the day. “It’s just too weird and personal.”

“We’re friends, right?” Alex asked. I nodded. “So then you should be able to talk to me.”

I shook my head. “Alex, I can’t. It’s too embarrassing.”

He sighed, frustrated, then took my books from me and shoved them in my locker. I stared at him as he shut it and grabbed my arm.

“What are you doing?” I asked as he pulled me down the hallway. No one seemed to be paying attention to us. That wasn’t good, what if I was being attacked? I felt so safe now that anyone could come to my aid in a heartbeat. Not.

“We are going to talk in private,” he replied, as if it was obvious.

I sighed and let myself be pulled into an empty janitor’s closet. It was tiny and cramped and smelled of dust and cleaning products.

“Okay, why are we here?” I looked at Alex. He smirked and sat down on the floor, patting the space next to it. I rolled my eyes, but joined him anyway. “Well?”

“Hi.”

That was all he said. ‘Hi.’ I looked at him annoyed. “Is that seriously it? You’re making me skip class for ‘hi’?”

He laughed and shook his head. “No, I just wanted to see what you would do. Anyhow, why’d you bail Saturday?”

“I don’t want to tell you,” I told him.

“You can trust me, I swear.” Alex looked so sincere, that’s when my resolve crumbled.

I told him what happened between Jack and me first. Then explained what I was feeling: how I was scared that I might have strong feelings for Jack, that I was afraid if I let him in, he’d break my heart and I couldn’t handle that again. I explained that I felt so embarrassed when he’d told me he wasn’t trying to do anything because in reality, I had hoped he was. I felt stupid for thinking that Jack liked me in the first place. I started crying then.

I must have been a volcano ready to burst because once I started talking, I couldn’t stop. I told him all about Jordan, how he’d asked me out on a date and toyed with me until he asked me to be his girlfriend, to which I agreed because I actually thought I was worthy of being loved. I told him how Jordan treated me like a princess, until the night I gave it up to him, three months later. I described the pain I felt when he left right after, how I cried the next day at school when Jordan told me all about his plan and how easy I was. He’d broadcasted it all over the school, complete with pictures that I didn’t know he’d taken.

Alex listened to me intently without interrupting me and even held me when I couldn’t talk anymore because I was crying so hard.

“I’m sorry, Abs. That’s awful,” Alex whispered when I finally calmed down enough. “We never even noticed.”

“Seriously? I thought everyone knew,” I laughed bitterly as I wiped my eyes.

“We were really into our own stuff with the band and all,” he replied as an explanation.

“Oh.”

We sat in silence for a bit before he spoke again.

“You know, Jack’s not like Jordan. He wouldn’t hurt you like that.”

I smiled. “I know he’s a good guy, he seems like it, but he would get the short end of the stick regardless. But, that doesn’t even matter because he doesn’t like me.”

Alex shoved me playfully. “You don’t really see yourself clearly, you know? Jack thinks you’re the prettiest girl in the school, but he doesn’t know how to show it. He’s not great with relationships, but it’s not really my place to tell you about it.”

“It’s not like he owes me any kind of explanation for anything,” I stated.

“He will if you guys date.”

“Well, that’s going to be difficult, because he doesn’t like me.” He opened his mouth to speak but I put my hand up to stop him. “No matter what you say, unless he tells me himself, I won’t believe it. It would only hurt if I got my hopes up. Look, don’t tell him anything. Let me get through this alone,” I pleaded. “It’s my problem, it’s all me in my head.”

Alex nodded. “I won’t tell him. But you know you don’t have to do it alone, right? I’m here for you, and so is Lisa. She liked you, you know? She doesn’t have very many friends, because she doesn’t like people, but she liked you well enough. I’m sure you could talk to her about the girl stuff that I don’t get.”

I smiled. “Thanks, I appreciate that. I just might take you and Lisa up on that offer.” I checked my watch. The bell was about to ring outside, so I stood up. “Thank you Alex, really. It felt good to get this all off my chest. I need some space to think, without Jack clouding my judgment. But, I’ll fix this.”

He nodded again and opened the closet door to peek out and make sure no one was around. We slipped out just as the loud clang of the bell echoed through the hallway and kids poured out into the corridor. I waved to Alex as he went in the opposite direction.

I felt so much better after talking with Alex. I suppose getting it all out in the open helped. But that didn’t mean I was ready to see or talk to Jack. Though he hadn’t done anything wrong, I couldn’t face him. I was too embarrassed. I didn’t feel like going to class, so instead I went to the library where I could think in peace.

Once I stepped through the doors, relief invaded my body. I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding as I walked through the aisles. Books had always been my refuge. No matter where I was, as long as there was a library I knew I would be fine. This very library, so empty because none of the idiots at my school valued it, had witnessed my tears and smiles and knew my secrets.

I sat at the very end with my back to the front area of the library, hoping no one would notice me. I pulled out the book I was reading and put in my iPod headphones. The beat of the music set a nice consistency as I read my book. Page after page, chapter after chapter, I finished my book. I was about to pull out another when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I pulled out my headphones and looked behind me. Jack smiled slightly, and I tried to smile back, but even I knew it looked feeble.

“H-hi Jack,” I looked down at my watch. “Is it lunchtime already?”

Jack nodded and sat in the seat next to me. “Alex told me you might be in here. Saw you walking this way this morning.”

I cursed Alex in my head, because did I not specifically tell him that I didn’t want to be around Jack yet? I sighed and closed my book. I could either act like nothing happened and keep what little we had of our friendship intact, or tell him how I felt and risk that friendship I’d want nothing of if I couldn’t have him.

“Yeah, I just needed some time to think,” I replied. “Uh…”

I thought of the different ways this could go, but in the end, to me it was safer to act like everything was normal. I couldn’t live pretending that I didn’t care for him as more than a friend, and he didn’t need to worry that I was pining over him every day.

“But I’m good now.” I stood up and hiked my back pack on my shoulders. “Want to go get some lunch?”