Mess of Fading Lines

I stood waiting for drinks in the busy coffee shop, keeping my eyes on the bubbly little blonde girl singing lightly while playing with a small flower she picked from her front lawn. I smiled stroking her hair when the barista called out, "a tall hot chocolate and grande chai latte for Holden," He asked calling out into the busy restaurant.

"Holden?" I heard a raspy voice, I turned and saw a tall, awkward boy smiling up at him. She cleared her throat and saw a boy she immediately recognized despite how the years had changed both of them.

"John? Hey," I smiled hugging him careful not to spill my hot chai latte. I stared at him looking at all the changes in him, he now had shorter hair thrown in a mess atop his head. His face just seemed older, his eyes bluer and he dressed more maturely. He had a button down black t-shirt with a leather jacket tossed over it with dark wash skinny jeans and leather boots. He had the same childish smile on his lips though.

"Uncle Johnny!" The blonde ran up to him and hugged his legs, smiling up at him with bright blue eyes that she got from her father. Her long blond curls bounced as he lifted her up with a bright smile on his face too.

"Hey Katie! How are you doing princess?" He asked smiling at her before turning to me, she played with the ends of her floral summer dress. I fixed her white flats that were falling off her feet from getting lifted up.

"Aunt Holly, I'm so tall now!" She cheered before John hoisted her even high so she could sit on his shoulders and a fit of giggles came out of her lips. I couldn't help but smile at how happy she was no matter what.

"I see that! How are you doing, John?" I asked smiling at him concentrating on keeping Katie on his shoulders. I held my hand on my stomach before taking a sip of the warm chai tea, despite the fact it was spring in Tempe.

"Good, you know touring, recording, living the dream- you know, same old. What about you? Are you babysitting for Garrett and Lucy?" He asked noting the tiny blonde on his shoulders. I noticed the beginnings of a mustache growing on his face and realized just how much he had grown up.

"Uh yeah they wanted 'alone time'," I laughed bringing up air quotes to make my point without getting too graphic since there were children around. I returned my hands on my oversized grey hoodie and felt my stomach again. I couldn't help the past couple of weeks I loved feeling the growing bump. "I've been good too, you remember Derek, Garrett's cousin? He's a Navy doctor now and he's off in Afghanistan and we got married a year and a half ago," I smiled looking at the diamond ring on my left hand with a thin platinum band. John looked down to where I was looking and his eyes grew wide.

"Holy sh-! You're?" He started before remembering Katie was on his shoulder and stopped himself. He drifted off staring at the ring and my protruding stomach and I laughed. The first thing everyone thought was I had gained weight, but my legs were still thin and athletic thanks to prenatal yoga. I felt a flutter in my stomach I grabbed John's free hand and pressed it before even thinking about it.

"He's kicking," I whispered before I realized what had happened and I dropped his hand smiling politely. "Sorry, that was the first time he ever kicked when anyone else was around, but yeah I'm about seven and half months pregnant," I smiled before resting my arms underneath my belly.

"Well Mazel Tov, Holden I'm glad everything is going so great for you! Are you going to Tim's barbeque later tonight?" He asked looking up to my eyes again I nodded before he brought Katie down and placed her on the floor. "I know you are," He smiled at her before she turned and nodded.

"Yeah, you look really happy and the latest CD sounds awesome!" I said before taking Katie's hand after John got his iced latte and walked us out. We smiled looking up at the tall boy wondering how we met like this after everything.

"Did you like Right Girl?" He grinned, honestly I had only listened it to a couple of times and didn't recognize it so I just smiled and nodded. He smirked raising an eyebrow probably catching on to me. "Good, cause it's for you," He smiled before walking towards the black BMW I'd seen before, I struggled to find words before he turned and winked at me, "I'll see you around Holden." I guess some things never change.

I smiled after putting Katie in her car seat and turning on the car to get the air conditioning going, feeling cooler than it was on the thin layer of sweat on the bridge of my nose. I piled my hair on top of my head into a messy bun and dug through my glove compartment to find the CD I'd tossed in carelessly. I put it into my car before reading the back and pressing next till track two came playing on and I couldn't help but smile at the last time we'd talked when I heard the chorus.

Oh God, I did the wrong thing to the right girl
My mind was only in it for a minute
Had a bad fling with a good girl
I was stupid and dumb not giving a
The blank stare, out the window
If I could just sober I could just admit
I did the wrong thing to the right girl
It was your world baby and I just lived in it
It was your would baby and i just lived in it

Every word in the song resonated with me making me smile before I even had a chance to realize what the song was really about, I suppose it was a sort of apology or regret. I looked back at Katie singing along with every word, from what Lucy told me she had listened to the CDs every time The Maine went on tour and it made her proud of her daddy. Then I was brought back to the present and frowned after hearing one of the verses.

She came back, thought she had it all planned out
Went to marry some guy she had talked about
A tear in her dress and a tear in her eye
And just like that her whole life flashed by
She won't remember what you said last night
That if you ever needed someone to pick up the pieces in your life

Just like that John had managed to make me doubt my entire life and question what if, what if we had started over and we worked out. Would we be happier than Derek and I? I felt a fear in my heart and a doubt I had managed to forget about the day of my wedding. I pulled out into traffic and bit my lip wondering how he managed to get inside of my head. I pulled into our new house and followed Katie, who was running into the house before she screamed nearly giving me a heart attack.

"Uncle Derek!" She yelled before I saw my husband standing in his uniform and felt tears fall down from my eyes. I was so happy to see him, so pissed at John for making me doubt this and extremely hormonal. He immediately dropped his smile before putting Katie back on the ground, "Hey girlie, I got you a present! If you go into the living room you can open in," He whispered to her before smiling and wrapping his arms around me. "What's wrong baby?" He asked and the words lyrics flashed into my mind again.

"Nothing, I just missed you. I love you sweetheart," I smiled before kissing his cheek, not sharing the thought that I was absolutely terrified my life would flash by and the "what if"s in my mind. "I missed you so, so much," I whispered before he pulled apart and kissed my pregnant belly and started talking to our little boy telling him to protect me when he had to leave again.

"They gave me leave till this little guy is born," He smiled kissing my cheek, with those words relief came rushing in that he was alright and elation that he was even here. "I love you so much dear, it was hell being away from you for that long," He spoke softly with so much love in his eyes and I tried to wipe my eyes before hugging him tightly again. It began rushing through my mind, the pictures of Derek and I with a small child, us growing old and watching all our kids grow up and realized it would fly by because I would be happy. Regardless of what residual thoughts or feelings I had for John O'Callghan, this was my life and I loved it.