I'm Not Okay I Promise

"But why?" Ian asked, I shrugged. Feeling stupid because he can't actually see me shrugging.

"I have some other plans for today..." I said, he sighed.

"With Gerard... Right?" He asked.

"Yup, and we haven't talked that much since that day on the mall." I said.

"Oh, you mean... The kiss I gave you." He said, I can feel some sadness in his voice.

"Don't worry, he doesn't know. Nobody else knows!" I said assuring him that he has nothing to worry about Gerard walking into his dorm and beating him up, leaving him bruised and bleeding on the floor.

"Ok, so I'll see you then?" He asked.

"Yeah, I better go now, I need to help Gerard out with something." I said, I didn't realize that I hurt ed him. He must think I'm a bitch or something like that, I better get going. I decided to leave the drinks to Odessa, she's like a bartender or something, I better call her now. After a few rings, she picked up her phone.

"Hi Odie!" I said cheerfully.

"Hi Terrs!" She said back.

"Have any plans later on?" I asked.

"Nope, why?" She asked, I looked at the clock tower. It's 2 hours before 7. We agreed to take a night swim since it's quite more refreshing than swimming in the day, plus, there isn't that much people around at night.

"The other guys and I, decided to go for a swim... Wanna join us?" I asked.

"Sure! It would be fun. Anyway, when is Brad going to get back?" The last words she spoke made me question her.

"Yeah, he'll be back soon, why?" I asked her, thinking about the reasons she could possibly say.

"Nothing, I was just wondering." She said plainly, I'm beginning to get suspicious about her.

"Oh, so you'll join us?" I asked.

"Sure! I'll bring the drinks!" She said, I smiled.

"See you later." I said, hanging up the phone and putting it back on my bag, time to get to Nia's dorm. But first, I'm off to Gerard's. It was a long, peaceful walk. I headed east, opposite of where I was. I walked east, opposite to where I was standing.

My dorm was located east. Along with Gerard's room, 6 rooms from mine, Monica's room, located downstairs, Ray's room, found next to hers and finally, Bob's room, located upstairs. As I thought about their rooms. I stopped by a familiar room, I knocked at the door, as I gazed at the number on top of it. I entered the darkness as I saw Gerard, drawing.

"Hi Gerard." I said as he turned around slowly, facing me, meeting my eyes.

"Hi." He said, he stood up and walked into the middle of the room, inches apart from my lips, one slight move and we would kiss.

"Should I?" He looked straight into my eyes, his hazel eyes piercing into mine.

"Yeah." I said as he leaned in, giving me a kiss. I've actually been thinking if this is right, if being with him is right. My feelings are undecided, I feel like I'm cheating but somehow, I think this is really meant to happen, that I should just let it take over me.

"I love you." He whispered into my ear as he kissed my neck. I was speechless, he said it in some kind of way that made me feel weak, my knees were shaking.

"Gerard, I love you too." Moaning most of the words as he bit gently onto my neck. I'm not quite sure if what I just said was true.

He carried me onto his bed, I feel confused, very confused. Should I let him? It felt so good that I didn't want to stop. He placed his hand on my waist, making me shiver a little bit. He took his hand off of my waist and moved onto my coat, which he unbuttoned slowly as he slid his tongue onto my mouth. I placed my hands onto his black leather belt, which I began to unbuckle without a sense of thought.

He raised my torso up a little bit so he could remove the sweater, along with the bra. He began playing around my chest, I gasped as he started to move his fingers around my chest, I pushed him away, feeling like a whore.

"What's wrong?" He asked, I covered my breasts, moving away as quick as I could beginning to go through my dreams in my mind. I looked at Gerard, feeling so guilty for pushing him away, I like what he was doing. But I knew that it couldn't let this go on further.

"I don't know... I... I'm..." I stuttered, I knew I sounded stupid.

"You can tell me." He said softly, reaching out his hand, hoping that I would take it and say the whole story.

"I... I..." Was all I said, I ran into him, falling into the floor with tears down my cheeks. I sobbed as I thought about how we looked like, he was still clothed, his belt loose and unbuckled. I'm topless, hugging him while I cried. I looked like a whore asking for forgiveness because I gave him a wrong blow job.

"Terri." He said as he softly stroked my hair, I sobbed as I leaned on his chest. I inhaled the scent of leather and cigarettes that came from his jacket.

"It's just that I feel like a whore." I said in between sobs. He sighed.

"No you're not." He said calmly.

"Yes I am! What are we doing now?!" I said out loud, I looked at him and he frowned.

"I love you Terri, I can't keep myself away even if you're with someone else... Be mine, forever." Such words, he had a way with words. I felt safe, I love him. I want to break up with Brad now.

"Ok, I'll tell you the story..." I said as I told him the story, my dreams, every detail. Describing those dreams make me cry harder, especially since I don't know who the man in the mask is. I felt safer, I felt like I could really trust Gerard. He just listened to me the whole time. I finally finished telling him everything, and I felt good.

"So you think it'll come true?" He asked me, I nodded.

"Yes, it's like some kind of force or something in the air tells me that there's a big chance that those dre- nightmares might come true." I told him truthfully.

"It won't, as long as I'm right here, I'll protect you... I'll never let you get hurt." He said, I laughed.

"What's funny?" He asked, I smiled, wiping off my tears.

"You're such a softy." I told him, he didn't laugh. He was serious.

"You promise, to never let anything hurt me?" I asked, he nodded softly.

"I love you." I said.

"I love you too..." He said. I gave him a kiss, which we enjoyed for only 2 minutes.

"I better get dressed." I said, standing up.

"Why?" He asked, I pointed out my fully exposed breasts.

"Oh." I noticed his cheeks get red.

"We should get going now." I said as I clasped my bra back on, I dressed back in my normal clothes and we both went outside, holding hands like little children, it was like nothing happened...

I feel safe with Gerard, but did I make a mistake of stopping him... Am I wrong for letting him touch me, even if we didn't have sex. Was it really wrong?