Love Among the Pizza Boxes

Dang.
Dang, son!
What? – No.
Just no.
That was pleasant.
Very pleasant.
I really liked that.
The kiss, I mean.
It was a very long, very pleasant kiss.
I very much enjoyed that.
I’m gonna stop saying stuff like that now.
Virginity is scratching furiously on her bedroom door.
It’s probably gonna end up tearing up the wood.
Which means I’ll have to pay to get it fixed.
But oh, well.
Who cares?
I just made out with Shayla.
…….
Virginity comes prancing out of her bedroom with her nose in the air and her tail wagging side-to-side with each little step.
“Sorry I kept you in there so long, Virginity,” I say apologetically to my poor little Chihuahua.
Virginity sneezes.
It’s a snooty sneeze.
She’s mad at me.
I can tell.
“I just didn’t want Shayla to know that I had a dog. Not yet anyways.”
She sat down facing me and narrowed her little puppy-dog eyes at me.
“Well, it’s just a little embarrassing that I have a Chihuahua.”
She whines.
“Only because usually Chihuahuas are gay-people dogs.”
Virginity whines some more.
“Not that you’re a gay person dog – because you’re not. You’re a very manly dog.”
Her tail stops wagging.
“In a very feminine way,” I say quickly.
Then I realize.
I’m having a serious conversation with my dog.
I’m having a serious conversation with my dog and she’s understanding me and responding.
I lean down to pick her up and she jumps into my arm.
She then licks my bicep once.
I smile down at her and we go outside.
The doorman stops us on our way back inside.
“Hey – I like your dog.”
He smiles a sleazy smile.
I look down at Virginity. She’s happily licking my bicep without a care in the world.
I stroke her tan fur once and nod and try to smile a nice smile at the doorman.
“Thanks man.”
Then I walk back upstairs.
And once we’re in the house again, I set Virginity down and go to the kitchen.
And I grab the first box of cereal I can find.
Lucky Charms.
How nutritious.
So then Virginity and I indulge ourselves on Lucky Charms on the couch.
Then she jumps from the couch and pads away.
I shrug and keep eating.
She comes back. She’s got a pair of wadded up socks in her mouth.
Her tail wags energetically behind her.
“You want to play fetch… with a pair of socks?” I raise my eyebrows at her and sit up a little on the couch.
Virginity sets the socks down at my feet and paws at them once.
I sigh.
And we play sock fetch for a little while.
Actually, we play sock fetch for a very long while.
Until I throw the socks and they land on top of the fridge.
Virginity whines as she looks up the side of the fridge.
I shrug at her and shake my head.
“Sorry, girly. But I don’t want to get up right now. I’m perfectly comfortable right here.”
Virginity whines and scratches the fridge.
I shake my head at her.
So Virginity lets out a puff of breath and comes over to sit on my stomach. She lays her head on her paws in defeat and stares out my window.
I eat more Lucky Charms.
Then I glance at the clock on the microwave.
It says three fifty-three.
I have to be at work in seven minutes.
Oh, crap.
So I scoop Virginity up and I set her in her room.
“See you later, girl. I gotta go to work.”
I guess leaving her in her room is like kennel training.
Except more spacious.
So I go out onto my patio and look down.
I don’t know why I did that.
But I just did.
And then I go back into the house and go into Virginity’s room and grab my uniform off the top of the dresser.
I take my shirt off and put the Pizza Hut one on.
God, I hate this shirt.
Then I leave the house.