Scream Me a Dream

Sunday January 16, 2011

“I am so sorry I’m late, Petri.” Soya said as she rushed into her lawyer’s office, kissing the older man’s cheek. “Mamma.” Soya nodded at her mother.

“It’s fine Soya.” Petri said with a wave of his hand, casting a glance at Elizabeth and awaiting her negative response, only to be surprised when the woman held her tongue.

“I forgot to set my alarm last night.” Soya said with a shake of her head as she stripped off her coat. “I ended up oversleeping. I appreciate you calling me.”

“Again, it’s fine Soya. We haven’t been waiting that long.”

“Now that’s just an outright lie.” Soya laughed, “I’m nearly an hour late.”

“Where were you? Your flat isn’t that far from the offices.” Elizabeth said, looking at her daughter.

“I wasn’t at my flat last night.” Soya said with a shrug.

“Soya, did you want anything to drink?” Petri asked, causing Soya to shake her head.

“No thank you, I’m fine, I’d rather just get all this over with.” Soya said, handing Petri the yellow envelope she’d purposely left in her car make certain she wouldn’t forget it.

“All right.” Petri nodded, opening the envelope and pulling out the stack of crisp white documents. “Now, I assume you’ve read through everything?”

Soya nodded. “I have.”

“So you know the papers state that your mother is willing to give up all parental rights to your sister, if you’re willing to take them.”

Soya nodded, casting a glance over at her mother who was looking back at her, before looking back at Petri. “I saw.”

“And you’ve thought about this?” Petri asked.

“I have.” Soya nodded, “And while I’m very willing to sign the papers, I have a few conditions before I do.”

“You do?” Petri asked with a raised eyebrow.

Soya nodded, turning back her mother. “I’m willing to take Aida, but I need a few things from you.”

“All right, go ahead, what do you need?” Elizabeth said, motioning for Soya to continue.

“If I sign these papers,” Soya started. “I don’t want you coming back years from now wanting to be her mother. When you run out of funds, I don’t want you coming back to either Aida or myself asking for more. You find a way to support yourself. You’re not to contact either myself or Aida, now or in the future. I also want you out of the house in Sipoo as I don’t want to uproot Aida from her home while she’s in school.”

“Soya,” Petri said, his voice filled with surprise that the young woman he’d known all her life had such harsh terms. “Those are a bit severe, don’t you think?”

“My mother wants to give up all rights to her nine year old daughter, I find that pretty damn severe.”

“I agree to Soya’s terms” Elizabeth said with a nod, causing Petri to look at her with even more surprise. “I will not contact Aida, or Soya, or whomever Soya decides to marry. I will not contact any of the children either of my daughters has, either. I will support myself if I run out of funds and I will leave the house in Sipoo and retire into one of the homes my husband has left me, as long as Aida and Soya do not contact me, either.”

Soya blinked, not having expected her mother to agree so easily, let along for her to state that she wanted no contact at all. She’d wanted to talk to her mother about Aida contacting her when she was older, but apparently her mother had thought of that as well and didn’t want it. So Soya nodded and turned to Petri.

“I agree to those terms, as well.”

Petri stared at both women, before nodding and grabbing his pen. “I’ll be sure to add that into the paperwork then. Soya, your mother has already signed; all we need is your signature.”

Soya bit her lip, accepting the pen that Petri held out. She hesitated over the line she needed to sign, waiting for what, she wasn’t sure, before shaking her head and signing her name. Petri flipped through the papers, showing her all the lines she needed to sign, before stacking them all together and smiling at Soya.

“All right, Soya, Aida is all yours.” Petri said with a kind smile.

“Are we done then?” Elizabeth asked.

“Yes, I believe we are. I’ll be sure to contact you if there’s a problem.”

“Please.” Elizabeth said, before leaving the room, Soya bit her lip and turned to Petri, smiling lightly.

“I know there are a few more things we need to talk about, but I need to talk to my mother real quick.”

“Of course, I’ll be here.”

Soya nodded and rushed out of the room, catching up with her mother outside of the office, her mother turning as she pulled on her gloves.

“You’ve got Aida,” Elizabeth started. “Did you need more from me?”

Soya swallowed, stuffing her hands in the pockets of her slacks. “I understand why you wanted to have that lunch with Ville and myself. I don’t agree with how you went about it, but I understand it now.”

Elizabeth nodded slowly, before shaking her head at her daughter. “I’m tired Soya. I’m not meant to be a mother, as you well know, but whether you believe it or not I do want the best for Aida, and for yourself. Leaving you Aida, it may be the one good thing I do as a mother.”

“What if Aida wants to contact you when she’s older?” Soya asked.

Elizabeth nodded slowly. “I’d thought of that and I’d prefer it if she didn’t. Aida is at an age where she won’t miss me, Soya. She’ll grow with you and think of you as her mother, and I would much rather she didn’t , but if it comes to that, I’ll receive it.” Elizabeth said with a nod.

Soya nodded. “I’ll take good care of her, Mamma.”

Elizabeth gave a weak smile and patted her daughters arm. “I know you will, Soya. I know you and Ville will care for that little girl very much, and that she is in very good hands. I’ll be out of the house in Sipoo before Aida comes home from camp.”

“Why is it that this is the first civil conversation that we’ve ever had?” Soya asked, causing Elizabeth to crack a smile.

“Because we’re both much happier with the decisions being made.” Elizabeth said with a slight shrug. “Go back in before you catch a cold without your jacket on.”

Soya nodded, “I hope you have a happy life mamma.”

“I wish you and Aida the same, Soya.” Elizabeth looked over at Soya and smiled lightly. “I like your hair short; I much preferred it long, though.”

Soya laughed and rolled her eyes. “Of course you did.”

“Goodbye, Soya.” Elizabeth said, before walking down the street where Soya was sure the car was waiting for her. Sighing, she watched her mother leave before going back into the warm building and back into Petri’s office.

“Better?” Petri asked.

“Much.” Soya said with a nod. “So, what else do you have on the list today?”

Petri smiled and pulled out another folder from his desk, pulling a stack of papers out of it. “Well, in order to construct on that lot, you’ll have to fill all these out.” Soya stared at the stack of papers in shock, causing Petri to laugh. “Don’t worry, I’m here to help. I’m going to walk you through it.”

“Thank you.” Soya sighed, scooting her chair closer as Petri started talking to her about what each of the applications did and why she need to fill them out.

XxxxxxX

Ville stared at his phone, noting that he had an hour before he had to head over to Soya’s flat. His finger ran over the screen, hovering over his voicemail button, before finally pressing it and dialing his password to access his messages. He wasn’t sure why he was so nervous. He and Soya had, for the most part, worked out their issues, and were going to talk about the rest of them when they met up.

Then he thought about how upset she’d been when she’d found out he hadn’t listened to all of the messages, how angry she’d been, and how she’d told him that he needed to listen to them. He knew it wouldn’t help his case if he went to meet her and hadn’t listened to them.

So, sorting through the messages he’d already responded to, he found that Soya had only left one last message he hadn’t heard. It had been from the call he’d ignored, making him feel like even more of an idiot before he even heard her voice.

“I’m looking at the clock and I just did the calculation in my head, and it’s 2 am there…so sorry if I woke you.” She sighed. “I can’t believe I couldn’t make it a full 72 hours without calling you, but I’m sitting here in the living room watching a movie with Austen, and feeling utterly alone, and missing you. It was just…it was the feeling that’s most prominent at the moment and it just…it hurts.

“I know Linde went to go talk to you, or probably yell at you as he sounded very angry on the phone when I talked to him a couple of days ago. I’ve been thinking a lot the last few days, and I’ve come to a lot of realizations in our time apart. I feel like I’ve done my fair share of apologizing for our fight. I’ve agonized over it, I’ve cried over it, and I’m just…tired. It hurts to think that you thought I had left you, I don’t know where you got the crazy notion, but it hurt…so badly that you ever thought that.

“Now you know I didn’t, though, and now you’ve heard all my messages, my sober ones and my drunken ones, and I feel I’ve done my share of trying to fix this. It’s your turn, Ville. It’s your turn to agonize, it’s your turn to apologize, and it’s your turn to try and fix this. It may seem unfair, but I need to know that you’re just as sorry for all this as I am.”

There was a long pause, before she gave a sigh and started speaking again. “I’ll be leaving New York tomorrow and I’ll be arriving in Helsinki early morning on the 9th. I have a layover in LA first. I’d really like it if you came to pick me up. If you show up, then…we’ll talk and see what happens. If you don’t, then…then this is the last phone call you’ll get from me. I love you Ville, with all my heart, and I really do hope to see you at the airport.”

Pulling the phone from his ear, he saved the message, getting off the couch, before dialing a cab.

“Such an asshole.” He muttered to himself, just as he got connected with someone from the cab company. He gave the person on the other end his address as he ran up the stairs to his studio and ransacked the coffee table, finding his notebook.

He hung up the phone when he got an estimated time, sticking the phone in his pocket as he flipped through the black hardback journal that he’d scribbled and doodled in, before going to the bedroom to grab his jacket.

“Such a fucking asshole.” He muttered to himself again, slipping his jacket on and making sure he had his wallet and keys before going back downstairs, the notebook still in his hand as he walked out of the tower, locking the door behind him.

He saw the cab pulling up and rushed over to it, tucking himself into the back seat, before giving the man the address to Soya’s flat. Thinking about her surrounding areas for a minute, he changed his mind and told the driver to head to the flower shop that was a few blocks away before going to the flat.

They made the pit stop at the flower shop, Ville going in and looking around, only to find out that Soya’s favorite flower wasn’t in bloom. He looked around the shop until he found a batch of flowers that caught his eye, and, though they weren’t tulips, he knew Soya would like them. He bought them without bothering to look at the price, before going back to the waiting cab and reminding the driver of Soya’s address.

Blowing out a slow breath, he leaned back against the seat, looking down at his lap where the notebook lay. He contemplated actually skipping the action of giving it to Soya, before shaking his head to rid himself of the thought. It was something he had to give to her. For some reason he had trouble articulating just how much Soya meant to him, how much he’d missed her during their two weeks apart, and he hoped the that notebook would be able to help him show her.

Looking up when the cab stopped, he paid the driver and got out, making sure he had both the flowers and the notebook in his hands before stepping away to allow the cab to leave. He looked around the surrounding area, noting Soya’s car was parked across the street. Turning, he made his way into the building and up the three flights of stairs to Soya’s floor, before knocking on her door.

He couldn’t help the grin when he heard Austen’s barking on the other side, and Soya’s voice trying to shush the dog as she walked to the door.

The door opened, and he was about to speak only for Soya to point to the phone attached to her ear and motion him in.

“No, Rose, I never said it didn’t sound like a good idea.” Soya argued, closing the door behind him and motioning him to the couch. “Well, of course I miss you, and I know I didn’t see you too much when you were here in Hels, and I’m sorry for neglecting you.” Soya said dryly with a roll of her eyes. Turning to Ville, she covered the mouthpiece. “I’ll be back Ville, I’m just going to placate her.”

Ville grinned. “That’s fine.”

He watched as she moved towards the dining room, her voice low as she talked to Rosalind, only to turn back to the coffee table where Soya’s laptop was open and papers were scattered around the surface. He didn’t have much time to investigate as Austen came running out of the dining room and rushed over to him, making him set down the flowers and notebook and pick the pup up.

“Has Soya taught you bad habits while you were gone?” Ville asked, scratching the top of Austen’s head.

“Such bad habits.” Soya said leaning against the doorway of the dining room. “She slept in the bed with me.”

“I figured.” Ville chuckled.

“Are you hungry?” Soya asked, “I haven’t eaten anything, so I’m starving. I was going to ask if you wanted to go to the little café about a block down to have lunch.”

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

“Perfect, let me go grab my jacket. Austen, let’s go.” Soya called as she went into her bedroom, the dog scrambling off the couch to follow Soya into the bedroom. Ville turned back to the coffee table, noting that the papers scattering the surface were construction applications and her laptop screen was loaded to her webpage, where Josef had made the announcement that she was no longer with the company and was living full time in Helsinki working on her own projects that would later be announced.

“I know it’s a mess.” Soya laughed. “But I had a productive meeting.”

“I see that.” Ville nodded standing, Soya catching sight of the deep blue roses and notebook that sat on the couch.

“Those are pretty.” Soya noted with a small smile.

“Oh,” Ville shook his head as he handed her the batch of roses. “For you, it should have been the first thing you saw when you got to the airport last week.”

Soya sighed, feeling herself melt as she took the flowers. “You listened to my message.”

“I did,” Ville shook his head. “I’m an asshole.”

Soya laughed. “Yes, you are,” she teased

“But I’m sorry.” Ville said with a small smile, causing her to smile back.

“I know you are, I’m just going to put these in water and then we’ll get going.” He heard her soft giggle as she buried her nose in the flowers walking to the kitchen as he grabbed the notebook off the couch. He heard the water in the kitchen run briefly before Soya came back out, buttoning her jacket. “Ready?”

“Yeah.” Ville nodded. “How was Austen last night?”

Soya laughed as they walked out of the apartment, Soya locking the door behind her before starting their way down the stairs. “Poor dog didn’t quite hold her bladder through the night, but I can’t be mad about it, it’s my own fault.”

“And she’s sleeping in the bed now?” Ville teased, as they made it down the stairs.

“Did you know that it is very hard to un-train a dog?”

“I figured it would be.” Ville chuckled.

“How was breakfast with your family?”

Ville ran a hand through his hair and nodded. “It was fine; I forgot I’d told them they could come over, sorry if it was awkward.”

“I love your family.” Soya said, stopping him. “I love seeing them, even if it’s an awkward situation like that.”

“Dad was disappointed he didn’t get to see you.” Ville said with a slight smile as they started walking again.

Soya laughed. “I would have stayed, I hope they know that.”

“They do.” Ville nodded. “I told them you had a meeting. How did that go? Did you make it on time?”

Soya snorted. “I was so horribly late; luckily Petri didn’t have another appointment until much later so it didn’t matter much.”

“But it went well?”

Soya nodded slowly. “It did.”

Ville narrowed his eyes on her. “Why do I feel like you’re keeping something from me?”

“Because I am.” Soya teased. “We’ll talk about my meeting later, I promise.”

“All right.” Ville chuckled, pulling the door open to the café, letting her walk in first before following. “What do you want?”

“Mmm, something warm. Surprise me? I’ll go grab us a table.”

Ville nodded, as Soya walked away to secure them a table. He scanned the menu, before walking up to the register ordering himself and Soya a potato soup, and Soya a sandwich, wanting her to eat since she hadn’t all day. He got himself a bottle of water and Soya a tea, before paying and walking over to the table Soya had sat at.

“What’d you get?”

“I got you soup, sandwich and a tea.” Ville told her, setting the notebook by his side.

“Perfect. So what is that notebook you have in your hand?”

“Ah…that…you’ll see.” Ville said with a small smile. “I…uh…can I talk first?”

Soya nodded slowly. “Of course.”

“I listened to your message, and I really do feel like such an ass, Soya. I uh…that night when you called, I was awake and I stared at my phone, stared at your name, and I couldn’t bring myself to answer it. I did watch as you got sent to voicemail, and I’m just sorry that I didn’t go through all of my messages to get to that one. I would have shown up, Soya. Please have no doubt about that. I would have shown up.”

He sighed as he ran a hand through his hair. “The fact that your even sitting here right now, in front of me, listening to me, it amazes me how you can be the bigger person in this situation. So I come to you, with my tail between my legs, begging for forgiveness.”

“Ville.” Soya sighed.

“I mean it Soya, you apologized for your part in the fight, you apologized for things that weren’t even your fault. You’re right in that you agonized, and it’s my fault you did, and yet you sit here, so...” Ville shook his head. “It makes me admire and respect you even more than I did before, Soya, the fact that you can let go of the anger and just be fine.”

Soya snorted. “I’m not fine Ville, but you are right I’m not angry.” She shook her head, quieting when the waitress came and set their food in front of them, making sure they were set before leaving again. Soya picked up her spoon and swirled the thick potato soup as she thought about her words.

“I was hurt Ville, that your immediate reaction to my leaving was that I’d left you. I was hurt that you didn’t bother to call to confirm it with me. And yes, I was angry Ville, that even after you knew why I had left you still didn’t bother to call, but I got tired of apologizing for something that I wasn’t even angry over anymore, and tired of talking to your voicemail. I got tired of being angry.”

Soya sighed. “There was nothing I could do if you weren’t calling me back, I’d done my part. It’s why I can sit here, Ville, and listen to you, because I just want us to work past this very big misunderstanding. I just…I can’t be angry about this anymore.”

Ville nodded slowly. “I don’t think I can apologize enough for what happened.” He said quietly. “For not calling you back, for jumping to the conclusion I did, for ruining this.”

“It isn’t ruined Ville.” Soya said softly. “We’re just fractured, fractures heal. Whether it heals well or badly is up to us.”

Ville chuckled. “I…” he shook his head, amazed by how much of an impact those words had on him. “You asked me last night what it was about you that I missed.”

“I did.” Soya said slowly.

“And I couldn’t quite put into words just what I missed about you.” Ville chuckled. “You said in that message that it was my turn to agonize, I can tell you right now I did.”

“Ville, when I said that-”

“I know what you meant when you said it.” Ville nodded. “And I want you to know what I mean when I say this. While we were apart I dealt with my heartache the best way I knew how, I wrote.” He picked up the notebook and set it on the table, hesitating slightly before sliding it over to Soya. “This is the notebook I wrote in while you were gone.”

“Ville, I don’t need to see your work.”

“I think you do.” Ville said, as Soya pushed her plates away slightly to slide the notebook in front of her.

She cast a glance up at Ville who seemed a bit nervous now that the notebook was in her hands, before looking back down and opening it to the first page. She frowned at the contents as she flipped through the pages. It was obvious that Ville had used his writing as a form of therapy when they’d been apart, as nearly every single page was filled with words, lyrics and drawings. She skimmed her fingers over one of the pages, her frown still in place; most of the lyrics and words he’d written were crossed out and replaced or blacked out altogether.

“Ville?”

“It’s the first time in my life that I can remember that I didn’t want to share how I felt. It hurt to write nearly every single word, it hurt to think about going in to record, and it was literally heartbreaking to think about performing anything that I wrote, night after night after night, and reliving the mistakes I’d made.” Ville admitted, shaking his head as he felt Soya stare at him.

“I couldn’t immortalize this pain Soya, I couldn’t bear to do it. Nearly everything I wrote down I crossed out and tried to tone down or change, and when I changed it I hated it. It’s the first time that my music wasn’t cathartic, that I couldn’t just ‘hide’ behind it to try and tell you how I felt. If I couldn’t tell you in person then I had no business telling the world.”

Soya blew out a breath as she ran her fingers once more over the groves of his writing. “You know most girls would kill to have a song written about them, let along an entire notebook filled with lyrics about them,” she said quietly, looking up at him. “Yet here I sit completely flattered as all hell that you couldn’t even bring yourself to share this, even hesitated to share it with me.”

“You asked me to promise you this morning that eventually, no matter what happened today, we would go back to being friends.”

“I did.” Soya nodded, as Ville reached over and took one of her hands.

“I don’t want to go back to being friends Soya, I don’t think…” Ville squeezed her hands as he looked straight at her. “It would be so difficult to look at you and know that I fucked this up so badly that I couldn’t have you anymore; to know that, for the rest of my life, I’d have to live with those regrets and those ‘what if’s’.”

“What did I miss about you? I missed every fucking little thing Soya. I missed going to bed with you and waking with you. I missed the way you would run your fingers through my hair whenever I had my head in your lap. I missed sharing my day with you and talking with you in general. I miss how independent you’ve grown. How, when you’re upset, you have no problems in letting me know. How you actually threw something at me because I was being an ass and you wanted to get my attention.”

“I miss how excited you are when you tell me about one of your students here at your studio. I miss the way your eyes light up every time I come home, and I miss the little disappointed pout you give when you know I’m about to leave. I miss being needed by you, and needing you in return, and most of all Soya, I miss talking about our future together. I miss talking about those hypothetical kids, and arguing about what we’re going to do with a tower full of rug-rats.”

“I miss you Soya, and if you think that we can just go back just being friends then you’re wrong. We’ve never been just friends; we’ve always had this thing between us, this…connection that just makes it impossible to be just friends. We’ve always had it and we always will. Going back isn’t an option. I want this fixed, Soya.” He let go of her hands to reach into his pants pocket, never breaking eye contact with her, as he produced her engagement ring. Her hands came to cover her face as she saw it, her shoulders shaking.

“Soya.” He whispered, putting the ring on the table and moving her hands away, causing her to look up at him with tear stained eyes. “When I proposed to you back in October, do you remember what I said?”

Soya nodded slightly. “Of course.” She whispered.

Ville smiled. “I said that I didn’t want to imagine my life without you, remember?”

“Yes.”

“Well these past couple of weeks, I got a taste of what my life would be like without you, Soya, and I hated it. It’s not something I want to go through again. We still have shit to work out, but I want to marry you. I want you in my life and I want to be in yours. That will never change.”

Soya bit her lip, pulling at the sleeves of her shirt to wipe her eyes with the ends, before picking up the ring. Ville watched as she played with the band, before taking his hand and placing the ring in the center of his palm, curling his fingers around it, her hand staying on top of his.

Ville blew out a breath as his fingers tightened around the ring, his heart beating faster and slowing down all at the same time, not sure how to react.

“I’m not saying ‘no’.” she whispered, causing him to look up at her. “I just…” she bit her lip before shaking her head. “I think it’s time we talked about my meeting.”

“Your…your meeting?” Ville asked in surprise, staring at her.

“I didn’t just meet with Petri to talk about my lot Ville. It was one of the reasons, but it wasn’t the reason.”

“What was the reason?” Ville asked.

Soya moved her hand off of his, tucking them onto her lap as she thought, taking a deep breath and speaking. “There was a reason that my mother wanted to have lunch that day Ville.”

“Other than criticizing my career?” Ville asked with a raised eyebrow moving his own hands so that they were sitting at the edge of the table.

Soya nodded. “She wasn’t really…” Soya sighed when she saw Ville stiffen. “I’m not defending what she did, so before you get mad, which I see you doing already, let me explain.”

“I’m not getting mad.” Ville muttered.

“Yes you are.” Soya said quietly. “I’m not defending my mother, Ville, I just…when you left that afternoon, I yelled at her said all types of things, so angry with her. She handed me an envelope and told me I would understand once I went through it.”

“And did you?” Ville asked.

Soya nodded slowly. “I opened the envelope when I was on the way back here; they were guardianship papers for Aida.”

“What?” Ville asked in surprise.

“My mother gave up all parental rights to Aida and gave them to me.” Soya sighed. “In my mother’s own twisted and deranged way she just wanted to make sure Aida would be taken care of once we got married. I don’t agree with her methods, but I understand it.”

“Fuck the lunch Soya, what’s happening with Aida?” Ville said, staring at her.

“It’s why I went to Petri’s today; I signed the papers to get parental rights to Aida. My mother had already signed; I was the only one missing.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Soya blinked. “When was I supposed to Ville? When you weren’t answering your phone? When you weren’t talking to me? This isn’t something…” Soya blew out a frustrated breath. “If we hadn’t been arguing, if we’d been fine, yes, it would have been something I would have discussed with you, Ville, but…”

“We weren’t.” Ville finished with a nod.

“I signed the papers because I know Aida would be much happier with me than living in a house with my mother, and I want my little sister happy.”

“Of course you do.” Ville nodded.

“Before I did though, I had my own list of terms for my mother.”

“You did?”

Soya nodded. “I didn’t want her suddenly appearing to claim her rights to Aida, deciding she wanted to be a mother or contacting us. I didn’t want her coming back to either myself or Aida when she runs out funds. I also asked that she leave the house in Sipoo.”

“Holy…Soya.” Ville muttered, surprised at everything she had demanded from her mother, surprised that Soya had demanded anything at all. “Did she…?”

“She agreed.” Soya nodded. “Had a few of her own, but other than that she agreed.”

“What were hers?”

“Just that she didn’t want me or Aida contacting her, but I asked her later on if it would be all right if Aida could when she got older and she said that while she would prefer it didn’t happen, she’d allow it.”

“Anything else?”

Soya shook her head. “No.”

“Soya this is…amazing.”

“Yeah.” Soya sighed with a small smile. “It is. I still have to find a way to talk to Aida about it, but for now, yeah it’s amazing.”

Ville nodded, only to tilt his head in question. “But why would you taking Aida stop you from taking your ring back?”

Soya bit her lip, before reaching over and covering his hands with hers. “I love you, so much, Ville, but with Aida in my life now permanently, you wouldn’t just be seeing her a week here or a week there, or just during the weekends, she would be one more person you’d have to move into the tower. She’d not only be a permanent part of my life, but of yours. It’s…” Soya sighed, “It’s quite the upheaval in someone’s life, Ville.”

“And?”

“It’d be quite a change for you.” Soya chewed on her lip briefly before letting go and speaking again. “I know you love Aida, Ville, I have never doubted that. You adore her so much.”

“I do.” Ville agreed.

“But I need you to be sure that this is what you want right now. I’m not asking you to be a…paternal figure Ville, I just…” Soya groaned, moving her hands to cover her face, not quite sure what she was trying to say, what she was trying to ask. She took a shaky breath in before uncovering her face, looking up to see Ville watching her with concern. “I don’t want you to think I don’t trust you with her, because I do.”

“I don’t think that.” Ville said quietly.

“I just…I want to be with you Ville, but I…need you to be sure that right now, this is what you want. You’d not only get a wife, you’d get a child as well. I need you to think about this and be sure.”

Ville blinked before nodding slowly. “Hypothetically, for the sake of playing devil’s advocate, would you still want to be together if I weren’t ready to take on Aida permanently? At least for now?”

“I…yes. I just…wouldn’t be at the tower anymore.”

“So we’d go back to what? Dating?”

Soya nodded. “Yes.”

Ville sighed, scrubbing his face with his hands. “I can’t believe you even…”

“Please.” Soya pleaded cutting him off. “Please, just take some time to think about this.”

Ville gave a frustrated sigh, inwardly wanting to shake Soya. He didn’t need to think about anything, he knew how he wanted to live his life, he knew without a doubt what his answer would be, but Soya seemed adamant about it, so he nodded tensely, giving her what she wanted for her own peace of mind. “Fine, I’ll think about it.”

“Thank you.” Soya said quietly. Moving her hands, he watched as she pulled her sleeves over her hands again, frowning when he saw a flash of light blue script on her right wrist.

“Did you get another tattoo?”

Soya nodded slowly. “You saw it last night.”

“No, I mean on your other wrist.”

“Oh.” Soya smiled. “I did, but…I don’t want to show you yet.”

“Just me?”

“Or anyone, really.”

Ville frowned, thinking about the night before and why he hadn’t noticed the other tattoo. “You had a bracelet on last night.”

“I did.” Soya said slowly. “Like I said, I don’t want anyone seeing it just yet.”

Ville nodded, letting the subject go as they finished their lunches silently and awkwardly, both lost in their own thoughts, before silently agreeing they were done and leaving the café. Ville walked Soya back to her apartment building, only to stop just outside to door, instead of leading her all the way to her flat.

Soya stopped before she entered the building and turned to face him. “I’ve made things awkward again, haven’t I?”

“A bit.” Ville nodded with a wry grin. “So how long do you want me to think about this?”

“I…” Soya gave a quiet laugh. “I’m going out of town tomorrow afternoon.”

“You are?” Ville asked in surprise.

“I tried arguing with Rosalind but she’d already booked the tickets and wants to have a couple days together before we both get sucked into work. I come back early Wednesday morning just before Aida gets back from camp.”

Ville nodded, “All right.”

“And…I’m not staying at the flat once she gets back.” Soya sighed.

“Where are you staying?” Ville asked, though he had a feeling he knew.

“I’ll be staying at the house.” Soya said softly. “My mother said she’d be out before Aida gets back, so I want to go in and start packing the house up.”

“Pack it up?”

“Ah, I don’t just want to uproot Aida completely, so I’m gradually moving her from Sipoo to Helsinki. I was planning on just packing everything up, my father’s things are still there and I don’t know how much of my mother’s things will remain.” Soya shrugged. “So I’ll be staying there until it’s all finished.”

“Makes sense.” Ville nodded.

“I’ll probably head straight there when I get back on Wednesday.”

“Then we’ll see each other on Wednesday.” Ville said with a hesitant smile.

“I look forward to it.” Soya said, only to look down at the notebook still in her hand. “Oh, here.” She said holding it out for him.

Ville shook his head and pushed it back towards her. “Keep it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

Soya nodded slowly, before sending him a small smile. “See you later, Ville.”

Ville gave her a little salute, watching her walk into the building, before pulling his phone out to call a cab. He waited a good ten minutes, before ducking into the cab that had come for him. He gave the driver his address, before leaning back in his seat and letting out a sigh of frustration. Even though he felt like they’d moved three steps forward, he hated not knowing where he stood in his own relationship. He hated that in-between limbo stage he and Soya were in, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep well until everything was right.