What You Do to Me

My eyes shot open as the pungent odor filled my nostrils. I grimaced and shook my head wildly to clear my nose of the scent.

“Smelling salts? Really, Oliver?” I coughed. My manager stood over the Warped Tour medic who was kneeling in front of me as I lay sprawled out on our bus couch.

“Well, it was the only way to wake you up,” he replied. “Quinn, grab her some water.”

“How do you feel?” the medic asked as I tried to sit up. “Dizzy at all? Light headed? Nauseous? We can take you to the hospital if you think you need it.”

“Just tired,” I replied, taking the bottle Quinn held out for me. Holden, Eric, and Maggie stood off to the side looking at me in concern. “And sore.”

“Well, you did hit the ground pretty hard, according to Travis,” Holden said, coming over and rubbing my back soothingly. I hung my head, embarrassment setting in. Not only was everyone here fawning over me, but Travis (and therefore, Alex and the boys) had seen my fainting spell.

“You’re dehydrated. Just keep drinking,” the medic ordered. “Gatorade, water, and stay inside. If you feel dizzy or if you pass out again, we’re going to have to take you into the hospital for some intravenous hydration.”

“No, I’m fine, really.” The thought of needles made me shiver. The medic stepped outside with Oliver, leaving me alone in the cool bus with my band mates.

“Want anything to eat, Jen?” Maggie asked in a soothing voice. “I can run over to the catering van and grab some stuff.”

“No, I’m fine,” I repeated in annoyance. She frowned and guilt shot through me. “So...Travis carried me?” I asked, glancing around, looking for my ginger friend.

The four of them glanced at each other nervously.

“Zack Merrick did,” Eric finally bit out. “He, Rian and Travis brought you on the bus. Apparently the other two are here too.”

“Yeah,” I replied softly, glancing down at my knees. “I know.”

“Okay, everyone out,” Maggie ordered immediately, herding the boys toward the door. “Jency needs her rest and can’t have you guys crowding her. Go sign some merch or something.” She forcefully shoved them out of the bus, and I smiled in gratitude as she came back. “Alright,” she said as she set down next to me, holding out a Gatorade bottle. “Drink this and tell me everything.”

I sighed and took a few gulps of the drink. “There isn’t a lot to say,” I began, wondering how exactly I was going to describe how I was feeling. “I saw them, all four of them, when I was walking back with Travis. They...they look good.”

“And by ‘they’ you mean Alex,” she added perceptively.

I frowned, remember how he had acted, almost like I wasn’t even there, like we had no relationship whatsoever.

“Alex is an asshole,” I replied bitterly.

“Thank God! Finally, you’re seeing the light!” Maggie grabbed my hands and forced me to look at her. “You deserve so much more than him, Jency. You are an amazing girl and clearly he couldn’t see that, because he’s a douchebag. The biggest douche of all time. Lord of the Douche!”

“Believe me, I know. He barely even acknowledged me when I saw him. And is it wrong of me to be pissed he didn’t even come in to see how I was? I mean, Rian and Zack did! And I’m sure Jack wanted to but he was forced not to because Alex is such a dick.”

I was raging now, but I didn’t care. Maggie merely nodded, encouraging me to go on.
“And what the fuck was he thinking, coming here and thinking he could just stroll around like he owns the place and completely ignore me when we run into each other? Who the fuck does that? Is he really that big of a coward that he can’t even say, ‘Hi Jency, sorry I broke your heart and made the last five months of your life completely miserable’? Am I really that much of an idiot that I fell for his bullshit?”

“No, no,” Maggie said quickly. “Do not throw this back on yourself. Here, drink some more. You did nothing wrong. This was all him. And don’t let him showing up here ruin the rest of tour. You are moving on right?”

“I guess,” I replied, wondering if that small tug of doubt in my heart would ever go away. Of course, I could feel it ten times more since I saw him, despite my fury.

“You are,” Maggie stressed. “What about Travis?”

“What about Travis?”

“Well...” Maggie raised her eyebrows, trying to communicate without words. When I didn’t respond, she sighed. “He really, really likes you Jency.”

“I’m aware of that.”

“Well, maybe you should give him a chance.”

“Maggie, I’m not ready...”

“How do you know?” she asked. “How do you know you’re not just scared of getting hurt again? But you know deep in your heart that Travis is not capable of doing was Alex did, that he would never hurt you like that.”

I did know that. There was no question that Travis was one of the most trustworthy and loving people I knew. And the fact that he wore his heart on his sleeve was comforting – I always could tell how he was feeling, what he was thinking. The morning that Alex left, I hadn’t been able to read anything in his eyes. They had looked cold and dead. I would never have that problem with Travis.

“I...I don’t know...” I muttered, too many thoughts buzzing through my brain.

Before Maggie could say anything else, the bus door burst open and a tall red head bounded up the stairs.

“Speak of the devil,” Maggie whispered with a smile, before moving back as Travis rushed over to me.

“Jen, are you alright? How do you feel? Sorry I could be here, but we had our set and I totally rushed through it and was worried about the whole time and Hunter was getting pissed because I couldn’t focus – well, I couldn’t focus more than usual - but I was just worried about you and seeing you fall like th-”

“Travis,” I interrupted. He was kneeling before me, hands on my knees and I grabbed his shoulders to shut him up. “I’m fine. I was just dehydrated, that’s all.”

“Well, here, drink more,” he replied, holding up my half empty Gatorade bottle. I humored him by taking a deep swig. “You’re still kind of pale,” he continued, wiping a few beads of sweat from my forehead and resting his warm hand against my cool cheek. I felt myself lean into his hand subconsciously.

“I’ll be okay,” I replied. “I’m just...tired right now.”

“Well, here, lay down,” he instructed. I did, and adjusted the pillows behind my head. Draping a blanket over my body, Travis gave me an affectionate smile. “Sleep, I’ll make sure no one comes on the bus and bothers you. I’m going to run back and shower, though, but if you need me just call.”

“Thank Travis,” I smiled, and stifled a yawn as exhaustion crept over me. I closed my eyes and felt his lips against my forehead. Sleep came quickly, despite my busy brain, and I reveled in the dreamless slumber.

When I woke up, the bus was completely dark, the sun almost below the horizon outside. I squinted in the darkness, and was able to make out of a figure on the opposite couch, snoring softly. Clearly, after his shower, Travis had come back to keep an eye on me, a sentiment that meant more in that moment than any present or compliment ever could. I stretched and stood, feeling completely refreshed and much better than I had earlier, before moving over to the other couch and sitting quietly next to him.

He looked so peaceful, his hair falling over his eyes and his mouth slightly open. Maybe Maggie was right. Maybe I was scared. But how could anyone be afraid of this.

I watched him sleep for a few more minutes, until I felt a bit creepy, and decided it was time for Travis to wake up. I ran my hand up and down his arm gently.

“Trav,” I whispered, not wanting to startle him. “Travie, wake up.”

“Huh?” he grumbled, blinking his eyes open and glancing around. Catching sight of me, he smiled and pulled me into his side. “I was just dreaming about you.”

My breath caught in my throat, which I had to clear before I was able to speak again.

“Thanks for keeping an eye on me. I appreciate it.”

“Are you feeling better,” he asked, genuinely concerned.

“Good as new, practically.”

He grinned. “Good. Are you hungry? I can grab you some food if you want?”

“No, I’m okay now. What I really need is a shower. I’m sure I smell disgusting.”

“I think you smell lovely,” he replied cheekily, rubbing his nose into my hair. “Ugh, actually, never mind. You do need to shower.”

I rolled my eyes and stood up. “Do you want to do something tonight?” I asked, almost without thinking.

“Like what?”

“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “I just want to get off of the bus, out of the bus lot, you know?”

“Yeah, sure. Take your shower and I’ll think of something.”

When I emerged twenty minutes later, wet hair pulled back into a messy bun, Travis was watching MTV while simultaneously trying to crack Eric’s Rubrik’s Cube.

“Oh hey,” he greeted when he saw me. “I talked to the guys and Hunter and Danny were thinking of going bowling. You up for it?”

“Sounds perfect,” I replied, sliding my feet into some flip flops. Bowling would be a good distraction from the day – it was away from the other bands, it was somewhere with beer and pizza, and I could imagine miniature Alex’s instead of bowling pins every time I launched a ball down the lane. I anticipated a lot of strikes in my future.

*-*-*

“You have got to be kidding me.”

“What?” Travis asked as we entered the bowling alley behind Hunter and Danny, who were running ahead to greet the members of Hey Monday and All Time Low who had already claimed their lanes.

“I didn’t know other people were going to be here,” I muttered, immediately spotting Alex laughing with Lipshaw and Jack.

“Hmm, me neither. But more fun this way, right?” Travis asked with a wide grin. Sure.
Luckily, our team was stationed two lanes over from All Time Low’s, with Hey Monday in between, but it didn’t take long for Alex and I to make eye contact. Once again, he didn’t nothing but frown and turn away quickly. My heart sank. I didn’t want to deal with this now, I didn’t want to be here in front of everyone fighting back a breakdown. But of course, I couldn’t stop glancing over at him.

Hunter was entering our names into the system, and I pretended to watch over his shoulder, when instead I was watching Alex talk furiously with Rian and Jack in hushed tones. Alex was clearly not happy, while Jack and Rian looked annoyed. I watched them from behind Hunter’s head until Rian turned and began to walk toward us. Alex grabbed Jack’s arm and prevented him from making the same movement. Rian came toward us, a fed up expression on his face.

“Dawson,” Danny greeted, clapping his fellow drummer on the back. “What’s up man?”

“Not much, dude, good to see you though.” Rian then turned to me, and I felt the blood drain from his face. Was that why Alex was mad? Because Rian and Jack wanted to come talk to me and he didn’t want them to?

“Hey Jen,” Rian said, small smile playing at his lips.

“Hey,” I replied, not sure what to think about this awkward interaction.

“Are, uh, are you okay? I mean, like, from earlier?”

“Yeah. I’m feeling a lot better, thanks.” Rian smiled a bit more, and ran a hand over his short buzz cut.

“Jency,” he said softly, so only I could hear. “I just, I wanted to apologize for earlier...for Alex...”

“Rian!” Alex’s voice rang across the lanes and the hair on the back of my neck stood on end. “Get your ass back here, you’re up first!”

Rian glared at his band mate before shooting an apologetic glance at me. “Well, I guess I’ll see you later.”

“Bye Rian,” I muttered, unable to believe was happening. At that moment I wanted nothing more than to go home.

“Ladies first, Jency,” Hunter said to me, having finished entering the names. “You know what you’re doing right, because We The Kings has a bowling reputation to uphold.”

“I know how to bowl,” I replied flatly, standing and grabbing a random ball from the rack. I walked up to the lane and unenthusiastically lobbed it down the wooden floor, watching as it rolled lamely, before knocking over an astounding three pins.

I didn’t care about winning, or about impressing anyone, I just wanted to get the hell out of there.

“I thought you said you knew how to bowl?” Hunter whined, hands covering his face after my second attempt went straight into the gutter and Jersey from Hey Monday got a strike in the next lane over.

“I do know how. I’m just not very good,” I shrugged, sitting down next to Travis.

“I can show you the proper technique if you want,” he offered, leaning into me slightly. “I just so happen to be a bowling master.”

“No, I’m good,” I replied monotonously. He sat back, a bit disappointed and confused about my change in demeanor, but tried not to let it show. I felt guilty, but I honestly didn’t need to be shown the technique. I’ve been bowling before. I’ve tried it. I just suck.

I watched as Danny went up and got a strike, resulting in cheers from his teammates and boos from the other lanes. Over the raucous I heard a girlish laugh, and before I could stop myself looked over to see Cassadee giggling with Alex’s arm around her shoulder. The pain that sight shot through me felt like a bullet had ripped through my chest. It also infuriated me.

My blood was boiling over, so much so that I didn’t even notice when Jack slipped in his bowling shoes and slammed down on his ass, much to everyone’s amusement.

I just continued to stare at Alex, who, despite having moved away from Cassadee was still pissing me off. He wouldn’t even look at me. But he could laugh and joke and drink beer and flirt, while I could barely get up the energy to put some effort into bowling. I was furious. And I was even angrier with myself, because even though I hated him, I would have done anything to have him send a smile my way.

“Jen, did you see that?” Travis asked, stepping into my line of sight and cutting off my vision of Alex.

“See what?” I asked, looking up at him.

“My strike,” he replied, again looking ecstatic with his contribution.

“Oh, sorry, Trav, I kind of spaced out for a minute.”

“Hey, no worries. There will be plenty more where that came from. You’re up though.”

I stood, legs feeling numb, and walked over to the bowling balls. I glanced over one last time to the other lanes, and felt my heart skip a beat as I saw Alex watching me. Our eyes met once again but this I didn’t feel a flutter of anything except scorn.

Fuck him.

“Travis,” I said, breaking eye contact with Alex and turning to the red head. “Can you show me how to do this?”

Travis’s eyes widened slightly in surprise, but he grinned and jumped up. Coming over, I felt him place a hand on the small of my back. It was slightly awkward, but I figured that if Alex was going to ignore me, I was going to all I could to ignore him as well.

“Alright, well, part of your problem is that when you release, you twist your hand rather than keeping it straight, which means that the ball is going to drift to the side rather than right down the center.”

I wasn’t listening to anything Travis was saying, but focused on merely keeping myself from looking over at Alex. But I desperately wanted to know if he was watching.

“Show me,” I said to Travis, who, without hesitation, rested his hand on mine, holding the ball in place. He stood behind me, and I could feel his light breathing on the back of my neck. He smelled like beer and pizza, but mixed with his own unique odor, it wasn’t altogether unpleasant. In fact, it was actually kind of nice.

“Keep your back straight,” he said in my ear, and when I straightened out I found myself pressed right against his chest. I couldn’t control myself any longer, and I gaze flickered over to the next lane. Alex was still watching, a deep frown etched onto his features. I felt a flurry of pleasure ripple through me, a sense of pride.

I had someone else interested in me now. I could forget about Alex.

I forced myself to concentrate on what Travis was saying, and I went forward and rolled the ball down the lane. The moment was perfected as I knocked all but two pins down.

I turned to Travis with a grin on my face. Making sure all could see, I strolled over to his clapping figure and wrapped my arms around his shoulders in a hug. Travis hugged me back, his lanky arms tightly encircling my waist. It was definitely more than just a hug between friends, but I didn’t care. All I knew was that Alex was watching, and that he was seeing that I didn’t need him anymore.

The rest of the night I spent my time vacillating between laughing at anything and everything the WTK boys said, and flirting lightly with Travis. At first, my laughs were forced, but as the night went on and I got a bit more tipsy, I began to feel myself loosening up. Hunter and Dan all seemed surprised by my change in attitude, but Travis took it all in stride, and was beaming at me by the end of the night. Granted, I had done that just to spite Alex, but as I drank more alcohol (something I hadn’t had in a long time) it became incredibly natural.

We The Kings won one round, with All Time Low take another. The third was a bit of a shit show, with all the drunkards just chucking the ball down any which way down the lane, and eventually we all just sat around drinking. Except for Alex. He had convinced Lipshaw and Zack to go to the arcade with him while the rest of us hung out by the lanes. That suited me just fine.

Jack and Rian eventually came over and split another round of beers with us. I was surprised at how friendly they were acting toward me, especially since it was clear that Alex did not want them talking to me. But, they treated me as if nothing had happened, just like we were old friends.

By the time the alley was closing at 2am, Travis’s arm was draped loosely around my shoulders and I was leaning into his side. I noticed Jack and Rian giving me discerning looks, but I cared about nothing at that point. Looking back, I’m surprised in my alcohol haze I didn’t let anything slip about Alex and my past relationship. I guess I was just blocking it out of my memory.

As we left, I was fully aware that an awkward moment was coming, as we were saying goodbye to the Believers Never Die crew, both of us heading off in different directions the next day. The Kings were hugging everyone and I made my way over to Zack, slinking my arms around his middle. He looked down at me in surprise, but hugged me back.

“Thanks for earlier Zack,” I slurred.

“No problem, Jen. I’m glad you feel better.”

Rian and Jack came over then too, each hugging me in turn. I was happy to do that, but when Alex appeared in front of me, I was completely taken off guard. So much off guard, that I barely moved when he wrapped his arms around me awkwardly. I didn’t breath, couldn’t breath, and Alex clearly noticed my discomfort, because he pulled away almost instantly. Our bodies had barely touched.

“Bye,” he said quickly, a grimace on his face, before he turned and stalked out of the alley ahead of his band mates.

I stood there, shocked, until Travis came up and intertwined his fingers with mine. “Come on, kid, let’s get you out of here and into bed.”

When he made the contact with me skin, it was as if a shock had been sent through me. I looked up at him and smiled, letting him lead me out into the parking lot.

When we got back to the bus lot at the venue, we were still holding hands. Travis gallantly offered to walk me back to my bus, never letting go of me for a second. We were almost there, when he stopped us, and turned me to him.

“Jency,” he began, looking down at me. “I know, I know that you said that we’re just friends, but...”

He faltered, clearly looking for the words to say.

“But...” I encouraged.

“But you have absolutely no clue what you do to me,” he blurted out. “I mean, I think about you absolutely all the time and would do literally anything for you. And if you just wanted to be friends, that’s fine, I could deal with that. It would be hard as hell, but I could do it. But then, tonight you were flirting and acting like maybe you wanted more and it’s been driving me crazy all night. Maybe it is just the alcohol, but part of my thinks, hopes, that it’s real and...” He paused again. I merely stared up at him, completely enthralled by his impassioned speech. “Jency,” he started again. “I have to ask you something.”

“What?” I breathed, unable to even blink.

“Will you punch me this time if I kiss you?”

Looking up at him, I knew that I had to at least give this a try. Travis was perfect and there was no reason for me not to be with him. I cared about him, and he clearly cared about me. There was no reason not to...

“I might punch you if you don’t kiss me.”

He smiled and immediately leaned in, capturing my lips in his. The first thing I noticed was his lip ring, which felt cold and hard against my lips, but I quickly learned to ignore it and pushed more of myself into the kiss, urging myself to take it all in. My lips parted slightly, allowing Travis to introduce his tongue to mine. I felt so good, to have someone to be with, but I couldn’t help but think something was off.

It hit me like a freight train. He tasted different. This wasn’t the taste I wanted, that I needed. He didn’t taste like Alex. Frantically, I pulled away, unable to believe that I was still hung up on him.

“What’s wrong?” Travis asked, clearly upset.

I didn’t know what was wrong. Everything was wrong. Nothing was wrong. I was wrong. He was wrong. Alex was here. Alex tried to hug me. Alex ignored me. Alex. Travis. Travis. Alex. My mind was spinning and I suddenly felt sick to my stomach.

I spun away from the distressed singer and doubled over, hurling the contents of my stomach onto the pavement. Within seconds, Travis was rubbing my back and whispering soothingly. After dry heaving for the last time, I squatted on the ground, utterly spent, tears pouring from my eyes.

“I usually don’t get that response,” Travis tried to joke lightly, but became much more concerned when he realized I was crying. “Jency, baby, what’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry,” I sobbed, wiping the snot and vomit from my face, feeling more wretched by the second. “I...I can’t...I’m not...I can’t...”

“You’re not ready?” Travis asked, understanding. “It’s okay, Jency, I’ll wait for you.”

He was trying to make me feel better, but he really just made me feel worse. I didn’t deserve him, I didn’t know if I could give him what he needed.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered again.

“Come on,” Travis replied, lifting me up off the ground. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”

I let him lead me to the bus and into the bathroom. With a warm wash cloth and tissues he washed my face and grabbed a pair of gym shorts and a t-shirt for me to change into. It was only then that I realized I wasn’t in my bus.

“Travis?” I asked, coming out of the bathroom.

“Hey,” he said quietly, motioning that the others were already asleep.

“Why aren’t I on my bus?”

“You shouldn’t be alone tonight,” he replied simply, pulling back the curtain of his bunk. I couldn’t argue with him, I didn’t have energy to, so I simply climbed in and felt him climb in behind me. Draping his arm over my body he turned me so we faced each other. I stared up at him, completely grateful for having him in my life. He hugged me into his chest and hummed softly, waiting for me to fall asleep.

I knew in that moment, that I did have something with Travis and we could make this work. I would need more time, that was for sure, but then again, Alex wasn’t going to be around us all the time to ruin things.

I could learn to love Travis. I could. There was no reason that I couldn’t.