Have We Gone Too Far?

What’s the point in carrying on? Even my best mate would rather go back home than spend time with me. Does he know how that makes me feel? It makes me feel like crap!

I have no idea where I am anymore; one minute I was in town, the next, some alternative universe. I have no idea how I ended up here but I suppose it’s easy to get lost when you’re walking around aimlessly letting your mind wonder and think about stuff that it doesn’t usually get chance to think about.

One thing I’ve been thinking about is my parents. I mean, should I let them do this to me? I know a while ago the situation was the other way around, but I was a kid then. I didn’t know wrong from right. Heck, I didn’t even know left from right. Can they ‘really’ blame me for how I use to behave?

***

I stared out across the beach in front of me, having a clearer idea of where I was now. It’s pretty far from home, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

It was a cold night and I felt the wind piercing through my clothes and the bitter cold was biting away at my skin. I watched the waves as they raced across the empty beach, mesmerizing me. I don’t know why I was so amazed, but I was. It was like the sea related to me and understood. That probably sounds pretty odd but I felt like it had found my weakness and instead of using it against me it was trying to help. Maybe it’s death calling me, telling me to walk into it and never come back. I’ll never do that, I'm so much stronger than that, and at some point I’ll prove it.

I had no idea what time it was now, other than late, so I walked into this café that was just across the road, to try and find out. I hoped it wasn't too late, or early, depends which way you look at it.

The café was empty except for the people working behind the counter and this man who was stirring his coffee. I couldn’t help but smile when I saw him, he was gorgeous! He had brown wispy hair that was perfectly styled with spiked locks flowing downwards. He looked so mysterious that my mind began to hurt when I tried to figure him out. It was impossible, as if he had a force field around him that was blocking out everyone else.

I looked at the clock behind the counter: two thirty, that’s not too bad. I might even have enough time to get to know Mr. Mysterious over there.

I grinned like a lovesick teenager when he looked over at me. Then again, I suppose that is what I am. A teen obsessing over someone they haven’t even met yet.

I went over to the counter and ordered a drink for myself.

“Do you want anything?” I asked the man who was sitting on his own.

God I'm brave, no one can say I don’t have guts now!

“Thanks,” he said back to me with a cheesy look on his adorable face.

Yes! He spoke to me! He’s letting me get him a drink! Okay, now calm down Zacky. Act cool.

I walked over to his table and sat down opposite him. He immediately offered to pay for the
drink I’d just got him but I didn’t let him. There was no chance I was going to let him pay for it.

“I'm Zacky,” I said, extending my hand.

“Cole. Thanks for the drink.”

“No problem.”

Defiantly no problem, I’d buy him every drink here if it would keep this conversation going. “So, why are out at this time of morning?” I asked, feeling pretty desperate to hear his angelic voice again.

“Bad day,” he sighed, "pressure getting to me," he added. “Tomorrow’s a really important day and I'm scared I'll screw up.”

I was amazed by how open he was with me already. He didn't say that much but that's a lot seeing as this is the first time we've met.

“It’s easier to get on with everything if you don’t think about your problems,” I said, understanding how ignoring problems generally stops me from worrying about them.

“It’s not the sort of thing I can put to the back of my head to be honest with you.”

“I know what that’s like,” I mumbled, staring into his dark brown eyes.

He chuckled softly at me before taking another sip from his coffee.

“So, why are you out at this time in the morning?” he asked bluntly.

I stared at him for a moment. I didn’t know what to say, why am I here anyway? Why didn’t I just stay home tonight? Wait, why am I thinking about this now? I should be thinking about the gorgeous man in front of me.

“Well... There isn’t really a short answer,” I whispered shyly as I thought about everything that had happened at school, at home and how the party was cut short. I don’t like looking back at the day because I never feel proud of anything, so I don’t really want to tell him all of that stuff, he’ll think I'm mad.

I felt his hand land gently on my thigh and squeeze it supportively. The sudden body contact made me jump and I could feel my heart start pounding heavily against my chest.

“I'm sorry,” he whispered as he took his hand away. “I was just letting you know I'm here if you want to talk, but if you don’t it’s fine by me.”

Wow, he said he was going to be there for me, he said he’s here if I want to talk. Does that mean this won’t be the last time I see him? I hope so!

“Thanks,” I sighed. “And, I didn’t mind you... you know... touching me.”

He grinned at me making me feel really stupid. I shouldn’t have said that, I bet he thinks I'm pathetic now. A complete idiot!

“I like you Zack,” he chuckled.

I gulped as I felt my heart skip a beat. A guy I like actually likes me back.

“Cool,” I squeaked.

I let out a groan. Why did my voice have to give up on me like that? I felt my cheeks going red as he laughed at how high my voice went.

“This might seem like an odd question but, are you straight, bi... gay?” he asked uncomfortably.

“Erm... I'm gay,” I whispered.

I felt so weird saying that, it didn’t sound like it was even me speaking. I’ve never told anyone about me being gay and now a random stranger knows about it. What’s wrong with me? I didn’t have the guts to tell my friends but I somehow manage to tell him.

“Same,” he smiled. “Are you alright?” He asked when he realized how nervous I looked.

“You’re the first person I've told,” I sighed.

“Are you being serious?” he asked sounding concerned. I nodded weakly at him. “It’s an honour.”

“Why did you want to know if I was gay?” I asked. My voice hadn’t come back to me yet. I've got no idea why it’s disappeared now, but I guess it happens.

“Well, I assumed it would be easier for me to tell you that I’d love to spend a lot more time with you, if you at least swung both ways,” he winked at me.

His deep brown eyes were staring into my blue orbs, It felt weird but it was a nice weird.

“Wow,” I whispered.

“What?” he smiled, showing off his perfect teeth.

“I came over here, desperate to talk to you and you end up wanting to get closer to me. It’s an unreal feeling,” I said confidently.

I was proud that I actually did sound confident then and didn’t squeak out my words like I did before.

I glanced over at the clock. How had an hour past already?

“Crap!”

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s half three in the bloody morning and I'm in a café miles away from my house. That’s what’s wrong,” I growled. “Sorry,” I added once I realized that I was taking this out on him. “I'm so dead when I get home.”

I'm sure Cole thought that that was just a figure of speech when actually I meant it literally.
They might kill me after tonight. Okay. Maybe that’s a bit over the top, but you must understand what I'm getting at.

“Do you need a lift back? I don’t mind taking you,” he said, standing up and then trying to calm me down.

“I’ll be alright,” I sighed.

I know I like Cole, he’s a great guy, but I'm still not used to being around older man after my last encounter with one. I have no idea who he was but it happened on a night like this and I'm petrified that it’ll happen again.

In case you haven’t worked out what happened yet, a few months ago I was out late at night and I was on my own. I was trying to get home when a man came out of nowhere and pulled me into an alleyway and... He raped me. It hurt so much and I was so scared. I thought he was going to kill me. I didn’t think I had any chance of getting out alive. I’ve never really felt the same way around strangers since then, but Cole likes me and I like him, plus he doesn’t seem like a psychopathic murderer. What could go wrong?

“I'm not letting you walk home alone if your house is miles away,” he said as he took hold of my hand and lifted me to my feet. “And I'm not taking no for an answer!”

I stared at him again. I can trust him, can’t I? He would never hurt me.

“Cole,” I whispered.

“What’s up?” He asked.

We were now standing outside of the café and next to the beach together, hand-in-hand. If I wasn't so nervous and paranoid right now then this would have been a perfect moment. Ha, typical me ruining the mood.

“Are you okay?” he asked again.

I felt tears dripping down my cheeks so I quickly turned away from him to try and stop him noticing. Why am I crying? For God’s sake, what’s wrong with me?

“You’re crying,” he said softly and wrapped his arms around me. “What’s the matter Zack?”

“Nothing,” I sniffed, trying to wipe the tears away.

“I'm not an idiot,” he said quietly. “You can talk to me Zack.”

He was now kneeling in front of me with his beautiful eyes staring up into mine. The truth is I'm crying because I'm scared. Scared in case what happened last time will happen again. I know that’s not very likely to happen but in the back of my head fear is exploding and I can’t hold it in any longer.

“I'm scared,” I whispered.

I knew how weak and pathetic I must have sounded, but when you’re remembering being attacked by a stranger, you can’t really control that. Maybe I should have just kept it to myself because after a while he’s bound to give up on asking me about it. I sighed, knowing I should have stayed quiet.

“Are you scared of me?” he asked, looking a little upset.

“No, it’s not you,” I mumbled. “It’s just, well; old memories are catching up on me and... It’s hard to deal with right now,” I sighed deeply. “Do know what I mean?”

“What kind of memories?”

I thought it was a bit nosy to ask that, I mean if I really wanted to tell him I would have told him when he first asked me ‘what’s the matter?’.

“Bad ones,” I answered briefly even though I knew he wanted a lot more.

“Until you deal with them they’ll keep coming back,” he whispered softly. “Sharing problems helps.”

I felt my body start shaking as I tried to talk about the night that man had raped me. It was hard. But I told him.