Have We Gone Too Far?

We stood outside Cole’s front door and even though I’ve been here many times before, I started to feel nervous. I guess I’m just worried about telling Zan everything, especially seeing as I wanted so much from him earlier. He had to go and make all of this even more complicated, didn't he? I suppose it’s not entirely his fault though; I'm the one who went and got feelings for him. Sometimes I really do hate emotions.

I rang the doorbell but there was no response. I looked at Zan; he wasn't looking anyway in particular, most likely just looking down at his shoes. Apparently doing that is pretty interesting to some people...

Maybe he’s as nervous as I am, more even. I'm sure he already has an idea about what’s going on. When we were at the hospital, Cole just turned up at my bedside and now I've brought him round to his house. Not many teachers have that kind of relationship with their students and Zander knows that. I suppose he just doesn’t want to ask me about it because he’s scared of being wrong, possible even more scared of being right.

I'm in love with a man that teaches at my school. How are people meant to react when you tell them something like that? Congratulations? I highly doubt that. If it was just anyone who I was telling, they’d completely freak. Sure, when Jay found out he didn't seem too effected, but I'm sure now that Mr. Sanders is actually teaching, he’ll be finding it hard to take him seriously.

I’d be the same. I mean, say if Kyle told me he was intimate with one of the female teachers. Jay would probably be impressed that he’d scored with her, there’s a chance that for a while I might be as well, but after that, whenever I see her I’d think of them together. It would take away any respect I had for that teacher. Zander might react that way.

Why am I going to tell him? He needs to talk with Cole. He needs to trust Cole. If I tell him this it’ll destroy their whole student teacher relationship thing. I just...I want him to know.

I took a deep breath and rang the doorbell again. I really wish someone would answer the damn door. All of this waiting is driving me crazy. I just want to get it all over with, before I get even more second thoughts over all of this.

I heard movement from the living room and smiled knowing that I’d caught someone’s attention.

The light came on in the hall way and I saw Zander tense up a little. He knows something’s going to happen. I can tell. He’s not stupid; I wouldn't bring him all the way over here without reason.

“You alright?” I asked him, as I saw a man with short brown hair, who didn't seem to be wearing a shirt, fiddling with a key and trying to unlock the door.

“Fine,” he whispered, looking up to me and giving me a weak smile before looking back down at his feet.

I followed his gaze for a second and then frowned. His shoes weren’t that interesting after all. They weren’t bad or anything, but they weren’t anything special, if you know what I mean.

I jumped as the door opened, not really expecting it after the slight distraction that Zan’s shoes caused.

“What’re you doing here?” John asked me, looking pretty shocked.

“Cole said-”

He cut me off. “You’ve heard from Cole?” he asked me, seeming more interested in my presence here now.

“Y-yeah,” I stuttered slightly, wondering whether or not that was the right thing to say to him.

“When?” he asked, raising an eyebrow at me.

“Just before,” I mumbled, once again not sure if I should be saying this or not. I wasn't sure why, but John came across as, well, kind of angry to me.

He shook his head and then sighed.

“And what did Cole tell you?” he asked, suddenly sounding more fed up.

I looked at him for a moment, trying to work out why he suddenly lost interest. As a matter of fact I have no idea why he showed some interest at the start. He usually doesn’t seem to care that much. Sure he wants to look after his brother and all that, but he doesn’t usually question me about him.

“He wanted me to come over.”

He looked at me with a frown on his face. I have no idea what I’ve done to upset him, if it was even me who did anything. It’s not as if I said anything out of place...is it?

“And who’s this?” he asked, gesturing to Zan, who started fidgeting at the sudden attention he was getting.

“A friend,” I muttered.

“Sure he’s just a friend?” he asked me, sounding more like he was just trying to tease me than actually being serious. Sometimes his teasing tone was a good thing; it helped me tell when he was joking and when not.

“Definitely,” I laughed awkwardly, then regretting it slightly. Was laughing maybe a little bit too far?

“I'm guessing you want to come in then?” he asked, opening the door fully and standing aside to let us in.

I stepped back and let Zander go first. The look that John gave him made me feel angry inside. He looked like he wanted to hurt the kid. What was he doing?

As I passed John I stopped and looked at him, giving him a look of warning. If he lays his hands on Zander; he’ll have me to deal with.

“Is Cole here?” I asked him, once I’d calmed down and we were all sat in the living room.

I was sat next to Zander and John was sat next to us.

“No,” he smirked. “It’s just us.”

I nodded at him, not really knowing how to react to him saying that to be honest. If I didn't know him like I’ve started too, I’d probably feel intimidated right now, like how Zan probably does. I suppose I'm getting used to the guy though; I never thought that would happen.

There was an awkward silence in the room. Why wasn't anyone talking? Without properly realizes, I found myself sat there just staring at John. By staring, I sort of mean glaring. He was getting on my nerves now. He knew that the way he was looking at Zander was winding me up, so now he’s doing it even more.

“Stop it,” I hissed under my breath.

If the room wasn't as quiet as it had been then, there would’ve been a chance that the other two wouldn't have heard. But compared to silence, my quiet voice was pretty loud. Of course they both heard me. Great.

“Stop what?” John asked innocently with a cocky smirk on his face.

Zan hadn’t even noticed the looks he was getting from John. If I was him I probably would’ve felt eyes on me, but then again, he isn't exactly comfortable here. Maybe he just didn't want to look up and have his feelings confirmed.

“Well Zacky?” He asked, looking as smug as ever.

Zander looked up at me then, wanting to know what was going on around him.

“You know what,” I muttered, trying to control the anger I was feeling. Why am I even bothered about him looking at Zan? It’s not as if we’re together or anything, but the way John can be about Cole and I, you wouldn't expect him to be checking out someone the same age as me.

“I have no idea,” he sighed, slouching further back into his chair.

Liar.

“Don't look at him,” I whispered, feeling slightly embarrassed for actually saying that.

What is John trying to do right now? He knows he’s hit a nerve but I don’t get what he wants from this. It’s not as if getting me worked up is an accomplishment; it doesn’t take that much to do it.

“Look, we’re going to go and wait upstairs,” I told him, not enjoying his company any longer.

If I’d known Cole was going to take this long to get home, I would’ve waited a lot longer before setting off. It’s just on the phone h sounded as if he really needed to see me. I rushed out and he isn't even back yet; typical.

As we walked out of the room, John grabbed hold of my arm, pulling me back. I turned to face him with a ‘what the hell?’ look on my face.

“I need a word,” he told me.

I said nothing for a while but eventually nodded at him.

“Zan, do you want to go upstairs?” I asked him, but I was pretty much telling him to go really. John looked like he wanted this to be private. “I’ll be up in a sec. Wait in the second room on the right,” I told him, remembering that that was the guest room. It’d be weird for him to wait alone in Cole’s room, wouldn't it?

He did as asked and went upstairs. I felt sorry for him. I’ve dragged him along for this. I'm sure this night will be great for him. He’s going to here the best news ever and has to put up with being left out and judged by John.

“What do you want?” I asked him, my voice at a slight hushed tone.

“You and you’re friend ,” he sighed, “I know you like him,” he whispered calmly.

“W-what?”I stuttered, most likely going red in the face as well.

“Don't deny it,” he told me. “The way you were looking at him when I opened the door, and then when I started checking him out, you should’ve seen your face; you looked like you were going to bloody kill me!”

“You admit you were checking him out,” I muttered stupidly.

“Only to see how you’d react!” He told me; I believed his words. “Look, my brother really likes you, I can tell, so I need to know you’re not just messing him about. He can’t be used as some fling you can brag about to your mates. He’s putting everything on the line for you, and I’m not even sure if you even like him that way anymore.”

“I do,” I told him honestly. “I know what he’s risking for me and... I-I wouldn't use him...ever.”

He nodded at me.

“So what’s going on with you and... that kid upstairs?” he asked me.

Although John and I don’t usually see eye to eye, he seems so serious right now, but calm as well, understanding even. I feel like I can trust him. All he’s trying to do is look out for his brother.

“I don’t know,” I whispered. “He likes me-”

“And you like him,” John muttered.

I nodded weakly at him.

“B-but Cole means everything to me. He means so much more, I promise,” I told him. My heart was racing. Whenever I tell the truth about something I find hard to talk about I get like that. I start shaking all over and even start sweating slightly. It’s horrible, but it proves I'm being honest.

“Has anything happened between you two?” he asked me.

I shook my head quickly, lying to him. I have a feeling that telling my boyfriends brother I’ve kissed another guy multiple times wouldn't be the smartest thing I could do now, would it? As much as I hate not being completely honest, I have little choice at this moment.

“Good.”

There was another pause, which luckily didn't last as long as the last one. The lie I just told was eating away at me already, and the longer he gave me to think, the harder it was getting for my mouth to stay shut and not spill everything out.

“You’re not like the others Cole’s been with,” he told me. “I like that.”

“Others?” I asked, hoping that he just meant other men and not other students or anything like that. I know about that ten year old he was with once, but he was a lot younger than and he’s changed, right? I mean if he was some paedo he wouldn't be making me wait till I'm older enough before we do anything too intimate. He’d be like Mr. Baker and just force me.

“Don't worry,” John sighed. “It’s nothing you need to worry about.”

I nodded at him and waited until he’d finished speaking to me. When he finally had he said it’d be okay for me to go back upstairs and see Zander. I was grateful to get away from him. I felt really awkward the whole time. He was talking about my love life and...I’m not used to doing that.

“You alright?” I asked Zan as I walked into the room. He jumped as he back was to me and he obviously didn't notice that I was here.

“Er, yeah,” he said, turning to face me and smiling slightly. “Who’s the guy downstairs?” he asked me.

I let out a slight laugh as I remembered that Zan has no idea who he is. I really should try to start introducing people properly, shouldn’t I?

“It’s Co-Mr. Sanders’ brother,” I told him.

He nodded his head at me and then sighed.

“W-what’s going on Zacky?” he asked me. I raised an eyebrow at him and tried to act like I didn't know what he was on about. Truthfully, there was only one thing he could be talking about really. “You and Sir?” he asked me.

This was it. Time to come clean and tell him everything. Sure, I wanted to wait for Cole to get there, but it doesn’t look like he’ll be back for a while now and I’ve already kept him waiting long enough. He knows something’s going on and the best thing I can do right now is just explain it to him. It’ll be better if he hears the truth from me, instead of just having to come up with his own conclusions.

I sat down beside him on the bed and put my hand down on his thigh, giving it a quick squeeze to let him know that I'm still going to be here for him.

The look on his face told me that I shouldn’t have done that. I really should think about my actions more...

“J-j-just tell me,” he said, shaking slightly.

Zander wasn't meant to be nervous around me. We understand each other; he’s meant to be calm and relaxed with me. I'm not like everyone else to him.

“There is something going on,” I whispered, “but you can’t tell anyone about any of this, okay?” I asked him.

I nodded to him.

“The reason I can’t...be with you,” I whispered the last bit, even though I knew John wouldn't be able to hear from all the way downstairs, “is because, I'm with someone else,” I explained to him. “I'm with Cole; Mr. Sanders.”

He looked down at the floor but he didn't seem too shocked. I suppose it isn't that hard to tell really. Well, not for Zan seeing as I dragged him over to his house with me. He must have known there was something then, he might’ve even worked it out sooner.

“What do you think about that?” I asked him. “It’s not some relationship based on sex or abuse or anything like that. He respects me and even though he’s older, he’d never rush me into doing something I don’t want to.”

“Good,” he sniffed slightly, but then looked up and smiled at me. “As long as you’re happy.”

Weakly I nodded at him. I am happy with Cole. I love him; I know I do.

“Thanks,” I whispered and then pulled him into a quick hug. Part of me knew I shouldn’t do that with him, but I wanted to and there isn't anything wrong with a little hug. There isn't.

“Don't,” he whispered slightly, pushing me away from him. “You know I like you and... it hurts when you do this stuff, so just... don’t,” he sighed.

It stung a little bit that he didn't want me to hug him anymore. I know that maybe we are a bit too friendly together, but it doesn’t really matter, well, not to me anymore. He really likes me though, and I suppose whenever I do something nice or show anything that could be interpreted as affection, he’s going to start building up false hope.

“Sorry,” I muttered, looking down at the floor again. “You going to be okay?” I asked him, wanting to avoid the silence as much as possible.

“Sure,” he sighed, looking up at me again. “You won’t tell him about...earlier, will you?” he asked, looking upset now and pretty worried as well. I can’t blame him though, he kissed me.

“I won’t say a word about us. Don’t worry about it.”

“Thanks,” he sighed.

I have to admit that I do feel kind of awkward right now. Everything just feels so tense; it’s horrible.

There were so many things I could do to break all of this tension, but I knew it wouldn't be appropriate. I wanted to grab hold of him and just start tickling him as I’ve done many times at all. He giggles every time I do it; it’s adorable.

I can’t do that anymore though. He doesn’t want me to, so I won’t; n matter how much I want to.

“Should I go?” he asked me. “I mean, don’t you and Sir want some time to yourselves?”

I shook my head at him.

“I want you here.”

Idiot! Why did I say that?

A small smile made its way onto his lips when I said that. I know what he’s thinking and I didn't mean it like that, did I?

“You sure?” he asked, looking at me unsurely.

“Y-yeah,” I laughed nervously, playfully punching his arm. “Why wouldn’t I?”

He shrugged his shoulders at me and I moved a little closer to him. There’s no need for us to sit so far apart; we’re cool now; everything’s fine.

I looked at him but he looked away and starting staring out the window. It hurt that he didn't want to see me, but I didn't care, I could look at him more if he didn't notice me doing it.

He turned back around, catching me watching him, almost instantly our eyes became locked. Zander didn't know what to do, nor did I really. I couldn’t even control myself anymore; I was acting without even thinking. He didn't more at all.

I moved myself closer to him, our knees touching as I turned my body so I could see him clearer. He didn't know what I was doing... I didn't either.

I moved my face closer to his, so close that I could feel his uneven breathing against my skin. He could probably feel mine too.

Right then I heard the front door opening downstairs.

What am I doing?

I turned my head from him and then backed away. We almost...again.

“Sorry,” I whispered, shocked at my actions, before getting up and leaving the room.

The front door opening could only mean one thing. Cole’s back.