Inside of You

I think I might have dozed off for a while in Garrett’s arms because once I opened my eyes and checked the digital clock on the bedside table, It told me that it was already 4:30 in the afternoon. I got up careful not to wake the sleeping body beside me. I noticed that all my bags were already in my room. Someone must’ve brought them up. I just hoped it wasn’t John. I grabbed a new set of underwear, a tank top and a pair of denim shorts from one of the bags and went into the bathroom to take a bath. There was a new set of necessities in the bathroom and a new, clean towel folded neatly on top of the counter that held the sink.

This might sound really odd but I missed my bathroom. This was the only place where I really felt safe. I could do almost anything in here and never get caught. Like sing in the shower, cry endlessly when something went wrong or hide away if ever I needed to escape. It was my small get away place that required no money or long flights. It was simple and perfect in its own little way.

I got out of my clothes and made sure the door was locked before I got into the shower and washed myself.

The whole process probably took thirty minutes all in all but it was worth it because the shower felt really nice. I dried myself with the towel before putting on some underwear and the outfit I chose to wear. I blow-dried my hair and brushed it so that it looked nice and decent. I didn’t want to look like a mess. I wanted to make an impression that told them that everything was fine so I fixed myself up but I didn’t use make-up. To tell you the truth, I think make-up is overrated and that’s pretty ironic coming from me but I stand by what I believe and so far, that thought of mine hasn’t changed. Maybe I’d place some on when there was a special occasion but I don’t put make up on everyday. It would totally ruin my skin. Not to sound girly or anything.

Once I thought I looked good enough and brushed my teeth, I walked out of the bathroom just to see Garrett rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He looked pretty cute when he yawned. I mentally slapped myself as I placed the clothes I used before I took a bath in the laundry basket that was at the side of my old cabinet.

“Did I wake you?” I asked him sitting right next to him.

“Um, I think so,” he said smiling sheepishly.

“I’m sorry,” I said biting my lip anxiously as he let out a small laugh.

“Don’t worry about it,” he said. “I got up because I thought you weren’t there anymore but you were just in the bathroom so I guess its all good.” he told me making me feel an ounce of guilt.

I swallowed hard as I looked at the bathroom door which was situated right in front of me. Garrett suggested that we go downstairs since he was hungry so we made our way down the stairs. I saw that everyone – including John – was in the living room. He didn’t look too happy to see me and Garrett go down the stairs together. What was his problem?

“What were you guys doing upstairs?” Andy asked me from the kitchen that was right next to the living room.

I walked towards the kitchen and Garrett followed after me since he was hungry. I told him to grab anything he wanted so he started by rummaging through the refrigerator.

“Nothing really,” I said redirecting my focus to my sister who was drinking a soda and looking at me with some kind of agenda. “We were just talking and then after a while, I slept.” I told her and she nodded and then went back into the living room probably to spread the good news or something like that.

I looked in the cupboard and saw that there were bags of chips. I grabbed a bag of Lays. Garrett saw what I got and closed the fridge and grabbed a plastic bowl from one of the cabinets. It surprised me how he knew this place so well. He almost made me feel like a stranger in my own home.

“Couldn’t find anything in the fridge?” I asked him as he gave a small smile and shook his head. “Here,” I said opening the bag of chips and pouring them in the bowl. I grabbed one and ate it before handing it to him.

“Thanks,” he said hugging the bowl so it wouldn’t fall before heading into the living room where the rest of the guys were.

Just as I was about to follow him into the living room where everyone was sharing laughs, John started for the kitchen and caught my eye. He seemed really sad about something. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know what it was about.

“Hey, um, can we talk?” he asked and I nodded hesitantly. We had to talk some time, right? I guess I just didn’t expect him to talk to me at all but who was I kidding?

We walked out the back door to the backyard where we used to play around when we were
kids. We sat on the porch swing and looked out into the distance just like we used to.

“John, I’m sorry, okay?” I started the conversation as I looked at him. He looked at me with a confused expression.

“What are you apologizing for?” he asked me making me want to take back what I said. I should’ve just waited for him to start the conversation. Maybe then this would be less awkward.

“For everything practically,” I whispered not wanting him to hear. But he heard me and he gave out a little sigh before saying something else.

“Look, if anyone has to apologize here, it’s me.” He told me sincerely. “I took you for granted and I didn’t realize that the best thing I’ve ever had in my life just walked away from me and I just let it. I feel so stupid for not seeing it then. Olivia, I’ve missed you like crazy and I never ever want you to leave like that ever again,” he said and I looked away from him and back at the grass in the yard.

“John, you were having the time of your life with the people you loved and-”

“When you left, my life fell apart and my world crumbled right in front of me and I didn’t do anything to stop it and every single day of my life, I spend hours thinking about what I had done and I hate myself because I let you down,” he cut me off completely ignoring what I was about to say but in this situation, it hardly mattered.

“You didn’t let me down,” I told him as I looked back at him. “You just tore me to pieces,” I said not planning to take that back. He had to know the truth.

“I can’t explain how sorry I am in words, Liv.” He said and I could almost see tears forming in his eyes but I couldn’t just forgive him for everything he did to me. It didn’t seem right for me to that.

“Tell me John; is it true that you haven’t seen anyone or dated anybody once the tour ended?” I asked him wanting to clear things up so I wouldn’t get too in over myself.

“Yeah, it’s true. The moment I knew you left, I realized that I didn’t want to be with anyone else. You were the only one for me,” he told me looking at this hands that were clasped together.

“So me leaving made you fall for me?” I asked confused. “I don’t get it, John.”

“I don’t get it either,” he simply stated and I looked away from him somewhat frustrated.

I didn’t know what else to say so I let everything fall into a silence. I don’t know why I said what I did but it seemed fair. I mean he made me wait for so long so why shouldn’t I make him wait too? I know revenge won’t solve anything and I wasn’t about to do anything stupid but it doesn’t seem fair. If I forgave him for everything he did to me, it would be so easy for him. I needed to make him prove his point. I wanted him to work for it. But it was all so confusing. I didn’t get anything anymore.

I started to get up and stretch on the porch. I didn’t want to just sit there in silence. I turned and leaned on the ledge and he looked right up at me with deep sadness in his eyes.

“So I guess you and Garrett are together now?” he asked softly and I just rolled my eyes.

“We’re not together,” I told him. “I missed him, he missed me, we’re still friends,” I said and he raised an eyebrow.

“Then why were you two sleeping together?” he asked me demandingly. So he was the one who brought my bags up.

“We cuddled for a while ‘coz that’s what we used to do. It was a thing we did and I ended up sleeping because I was tired.” I said. “Why am I explaining myself to you? You don’t need this. And I don’t need to explain myself to you.” I said getting worked up. Why the fuck was I feeling this way? I’m so messed up right now.

“Remember when we used to do that?” he asked getting up in unnecessary frustration not letting me have the height advantage. He was probably a few more inches taller than me and that sorta ticked me off a bit.

“Why are you getting so worked up about this?” I asked him not understanding why he was feeling this way. “It’s not like we were together or something like that,” I said and noticed that I struck a nerve.

“But do you remember everything we’ve been through?” he asked totally changing the subject. His eyes showed hope. Apparently, he was hopeful.

“Yeah,” I said crossing my arms. “What about it?” I acted bluntly towards him even if I wanted everyone to just be happy because seriously, I hated getting angry like this which meant getting depressed made me hate myself even more.

I wanted to be the happiest person alive. I wanted no worries, you know? Hakuna Matata has been my motto ever since I saw Lion King and as a kid it seemed like that. There might’ve been some down sides then but they were nothing compared to this. I lived a happy life even if I didn’t know who my father was. My mother didn’t need another man in her life and we were fine with that. You might think that that might hinder me from being in a relationship but I didn’t really look at it that way. I didn’t worry about being heartbroken and I didn’t worry about being alone. I was a carefree person until that very day on tour. My life turned around when I ran away and I started to worry. I didn’t want this life. I didn’t want to have to worry but apparently life’s a bitch.

“I don’t want you to forget them,” he said calming down a bit as he walked towards me. “I don’t want you to forget because I haven’t.” he pulled my arms away as he placed his arms around me.

He felt warm against me and I didn’t want to give in but I had to. I wanted to.Chills ran up and down my spine. I never wanted to him let go.