Inside of You

It felt so good to sleep next to John. I never thought falling asleep would be even more comfortable but his arms around my body proved me wrong. I rolled around on his bed to get away from the sunlight and longed for his arms but as soon as I rolled over and felt the space on the bed, I knew he wasn’t awake anymore. I was about to get up when all of a sudden, I heard him coming up the stairs talking to someone on the phone.

“Of course I’m upset. I mean I did so much for her already and that’s how she pays me in return?” he sounded so aggravated. Was he really talking about me?

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. He was actually really upset that I said no to him. How was I supposed to make this right? Was I supposed to just have sex with him because I feel bad about this whole situation? This is crazy.

“Yeah, whatever, I’ll call you later.” He said and I rolled around in bed pretending to get up.

“Who was that you were talking to just now?” I asked John sitting up on the bed and rubbing my eyes.

“Oh, uh, no one,” he told me. “Look, the band has an acoustic show later today and I need to get going so I can practice. Feel free to help yourself with anything that’s in the house,” he said getting up and grabbing the keys that were on the bedside table.

“Where and what time is the show?” I asked him.

“I don’t really know for sure,” he said heading out the door before I could ask him anything more about it.

Okay, so he was giving me the silent treatment now. That’s new. I never really thought he was capable of doing something like that. I didn’t like that he was sulking about this whole fiasco. I mean I told him I wasn’t ready which meant that I wanted him to wait. I was going to be ready someday but last night didn’t feel really right for me.

I got out of John’s bed and looked for my ballet flats. Once I found them, I set my feet inside and went out down the stairs and out the door. He didn’t have a right to be angry at me and knowing that he is angry makes me angry. This situation has kindergarten spelled out all over it and I can’t believe I wasn’t doing anything about it.

I walked back to my house and trudged up the stairs and got into my room. Maybe a little shower would cool me down. I got out of my clothes and locked the bathroom door and started rinsing myself with cold water. It was definitely a refreshing feeling but it wasn’t enough to get me to forget about what John said. It was as if he didn’t appreciate my being with him. If this was really how he felt about me, he should’ve just told me and we could’ve ended it right there.

Once I finished my shower, I brushed my teeth and dried myself off before heading back into my room for a quick change of clothes. I shut the blinds and closed the doors before I took of my towel and put on a set of clothes for any casual occasion. After putting on some clothes, I looked at the clock in my room and it read 11:28 AM. I guess it was time to get something to eat then.

I went down the stairs and noticed that the whole placed seemed kinda empty. Aunt Catherine was probably out and Andy was in school. I had the whole place to myself practically.

I fixed myself up something for brunch and ate in solitude as I looked outside the window. A knock on the front door got my attention. I got up and walked towards the front door and opened it without looking into the peephole.

“Hey,” Garrett greeted as soon as the door was out of the way. I stepped aside to let him come inside.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” I asked him as he sat himself down on my couch.

“I didn’t really have to go to the set today since it was an acoustic so I’m spending it here with you,” he said but I didn’t really believe that.

“Seriously? Aren’t you supposed to be there for like, I don’t know, support?” I asked him and he rolled his eyes.

“Okay, maybe I’m here because of something else,” he said sitting up a little straighter. I walked around the coffee table and sat right beside him on the couch.

“Like what?” I asked him and he hesitated before answering.

“Well, I couldn’t really take any more of John’s complaints.” He said watching me as I watched the words roll out of his mouth.

“What’s he been saying?” I didn’t necessarily have to ask this question since I sorta knew what the answer was but no one knew that so I had to go with the flow.

“Shit about how he didn’t, you know, with you last night,” he felt uneasy saying the words. I wonder why…

“That’s all he talked about today?” I asked raising an eyebrow.

“Pretty much, I mean you know when he wasn’t singing, he was talking to the guys about how he thought you were being selfish,” he muttering everything after he said ‘pretty much’. This was so unfair.

“He didn’t say anything about the things before that?” I asked and he shook his head.

“Where are you going with all this?” he asked seeming perplexed.

“I don’t know but it sorta hurts knowing that he was doing all that sweet stuff to get something in the end,” I said staring at the wall in front of me. “I mean I thought I meant a lot to him and I thought you all said he changed but hearing him get upset over such a petty thing proves that maybe he’s still the same. He only wants to be with me because he wants sex and I just don’t see that happening any time soon,” I said staring down at the table as I remembered a past memory that I should’ve erased from my head months ago.

“Is there something you’re not telling me?” he asked placing a hand on my arm. I turned to look at him and nodded slowly.

“It happened only a month ago,” I started to say and he seemed to tense up a little. “We had a party after a show we did and it was held in this pent house. I didn’t really know who the owner was but everyone else was going so why not join in, right?” I paused taking a big breath as I tried to remember everything that happened. “Anyway, there was this guy in the party that seemed to be stalking me. At first I thought that maybe he was just looking my way because there were a lot of really pretty girls near me but when I went into the kitchen, I was wrong. He asked me if I wanted a drink and I said yes. I wasn’t all paranoid when I was with him so I thought that maybe he was a nice guy trying to hook up with me or something but while he was mixing my drink, I saw him slip something in it. He thought that I didn’t notice so I acted like I didn’t know exactly what he was up to.

“We started to talk for a while but then he noticed that I wasn’t drinking what he fixed up for me and I told him that I would drink some later. He didn’t really choose to believe me so he got me a beer instead and he didn’t really place anything in the bottle so I drank that. I totally forgot how intolerable I was when it came to alcohol so after about three bottles or so, I was completely intoxicated but not to the point where I blacked out or anything. It was just mild slurring and hazy vision.

“Then, he asked me if I wanted to get inside a room with him. I wanted to say no but I didn’t want to make a scene. Once he got me inside the spare room, he started to get all touchy-feely with me and I pushed him away. He thought I was just playing with him so he started to kiss me and then I tasted something so disgusting I thought I was going to throw up in his mouth. That night, the guy who I was with was high on drugs and ready to get laid and I…”

“And then you what?” he asked me sliding his hand down from my arm to my hand. He squeezed it once as tears started forming in my eyes as the scenes replayed over and over inside my head.

“I gave in. I knew what would’ve happened if I didn’t give in. He’d probably beat me up or something and once that happened, no agency would hire me for anything. I would have to wait out a couple of months for bruises to heal and I didn’t have that kind of time to waste. I was living on my own out there and I had no money to sustain me if no one hired me for anything.” I said letting the tears flow from my eyes.

Garret’s arms wound themselves around my body and I hugged him tightly trying to forget what that night felt like.

“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you,” he said through gritted teeth as he pulled away a few inches to wipe my tears. “Is that guy still bothering you?” he asked and I nodded.

“After that night, I felt like someone had been watching my every move so once my mother asked me to come home, I took the first flight home where I felt safe.” I told him. I can’t believe I actually forgot about all of this once I set foot on this place. It was as if the sight of family and friends washed all the bad memories away.

“Don’t worry, you don’t have to go back there anymore,” he told me and I nodded as I crawled into him. I let him comfort me as I tried to fight all the tears away.

After a few minutes, the door swung open and John came in. I sorta expected a knock but I guess he knew that no one would be home but me and he never really knocked on my front door as a child so I guess he still kept that habit.

“What happened here?” he asked getting inside.

I don’t know what came over me but I buried myself in Garrett’s chest somehow afraid of what John might do to me.

“Dude, if you’re here to complain some more about what happened last night, I suggest that you leave right this instant.” Garrett said wrapping a protective around me.

“That’s none of your business,” he snarled at Garrett.

“I don’t want to talk to you,” I said keeping my head in Garrett’s chest. I didn’t want to talk to him anymore after what I told Garrett. Maybe in time I could forgive him but I don’t know.

“Whatever,” John said. I heard the door open and slam shut and knew that he wasn’t there anymore.

I pulled myself away from Garrett and apologized for soaking his shirt. He told me not to worry about it and that I was welcome to cry on him anytime. That made me smile but the smile faltered after a few seconds. I made my way back into Garrett’s arms and made myself comfortable.

“I wish I could’ve been there for you,” he said kissing my forehead.

“I wish you could’ve been there too,”