Inside of You

Garrett and I spent the rest of the day trying to look for something to keep us occupied for a long period of time but all we did was watch a couple of DVDs. But I wasn’t really sure Garrett was watching the movies at all. He seemed really distracted. It was as if what I had said to him boggled in his mind and never really settled down. I looked at him in concern and once he noticed me staring, he quickly snapped out of his phase and asked me what I wanted to do next.

“Clearly it’s bothering you,” I told him but he simply raised an eyebrow and asked me what I was talking about. “I never should’ve told you about what happened back at New York,” I told him looking at the blank screen in front of me as I felt him tense beside me.

“Are you crazy?” he asked facing me fully. I turned my body to look at him as his face showcased every bit of anxiety he felt right this moment. “I’m glad you chose to open up to me. I never would’ve known if you never said anything,” he said.

“But what would you have done if you hadn’t known?” I asked him but he just shook his head.

“What’s done is done. You can’t take back what you said,” he told me.

“What does that have to do with anything?” I asked him not really knowing where he was going with all of this.

“I don’t really know either,” he said.

Silence filled our surroundings and soon, it turned awkward. I got up and went to the kitchen to get a bottle of water but Garrett was apparently tailing me. It was as if telling him what happened made him feel the need to protect me every second of the day.

I didn’t really mind anymore since it was probably the initial reaction. It’d probably blow over sooner or later, right? And plus, I think having Garrett by my side will keep John away. I mean I know I can’t avoid him forever but I don’t want to talk to him right now. I need some space first. Or at least I think I do.

A few seconds later, I heard a few knocks on the door. I walked to the front door to open it. Once I twisted the knob and pulled the door, Kennedy, Pat and Jared walked in. They all greeted me with hugs and I asked them to come in. I thought they’d probably start thinking differently of me after what John told them but I guess I was wrong. I guess words don’t really affect guys as they do for girls.

Everyone starts making themselves at home and Garrett and Pat are in some kind of conversation which sooner or later would probably turn into some kind of argument. I didn’t really want to be around these guys right now so I just went out to my front porch and sat on the front steps.

I watched as the clouds started to move across the sky. They seemed dark and heavy. They moved in front of the sun and then suddenly, rain started to pour.

I looked up at the sky and watched the fat droplets of water fall from it. Part of me thought that something up above was probably feeling the same way as I was but I don’t know.

It took me time to realize that John was actually on his porch watching me. I turned to look at him and all he does is stare back. I bite my lip and then turn away. Seconds later, I heard footsteps come from the house next door and then John was right in front of me. He lifted my chin with his semi-wet fingers. There was no doubt that he looked more handsome with the rain trickling down from streaks of his brown locks.

His touch sent shivers down my spine. He sat down beside me and cleared his throat before he said anything. “I’m sorry,” he simply said.

He wrapped his fingers around mine and I seriously wanted to just push him away but even I knew I didn’t have the strength to do that.

“What for?” I asked looking out at the rainy scene in front of me.

“You know what for,” he told me and I looked at him with an eyebrow raised telling him that I want to hear him spit it out. “I’m sorry for expecting for something that I really shouldn’t be thinking about just because we had a great night,” he said vaguely.

I turned and looked away as memories started to flood back into my head. I shut my eyes preventing from following the sky. I didn’t want to have my own set of tears running down my cheeks. It’d be awkward in a way.

“Hey, look at me,” he said pulling my whole body closer to his. He then cupped my face in his hands and stared intently into my eyes. “I mean what I said and I was stupid for not appreciating everything you’ve done for me,” he told me. “I’m really sorry,”

“This isn’t about you,” I told him as tears escaped from my eyes.

He looked at me with concern and I wasn’t really sure if I wanted to fill him in on the whole incident. But right when I was about to open my mouth, the front door opened and John’s hands retreated from my face and Garrett shot John a death glare.

Tension started building up between them and I felt the urge to get up and push Garrett back inside the house before anything crazy happened but all I did was sit there and wait for things to unfold right before my eyes.

“Don’t you think she’s been through enough?” Garrett asked John who now looked confused and angry mixed in one expression.

I looked at Garrett warning him not to say anything stupid but he doesn’t look at me. His focus is all on John.

“What are you trying to say?” John asked Garrett who rolled his eyes and sighed heavily.

“Back in New York, Olivia got raped by some douche bag. That’s why she didn’t want to just give herself up to you,” Garrett spat out and I got up and got in front of him.

It was clear that anger was evident in my eyes. “I trusted you with that information,” I told Garrett as I shoved him in the chest and made him fall backwards. Luckily there was a wall right behind him.

“He had to know,” he said.

“I was going to tell him eventually,” I argued. I knew I was going to tell him but I wasn’t about to just blurt it out like that.

“Really? And when might that have been?” he asked rhetorically.

I kept silent and watched him as he went back inside the house leaving John alone with me on the front porch.

John had this shocked/pained look on his face that looked hurt in so many ways. I’m not sure if he felt bad because I didn’t tell him or if he was actually feeling guilty but whatever. I didn’t need this shit right now.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked getting up.

“Because I forgot about it…?” I told him leaning on the porch ledge for support as I stared out into the rain. I knew this day would come but I wasn’t really ready to face it.

“How can you forget about something like that?” he asked clearly frustrated.

“I don’t know, John. Maybe because when I saw you guys, I was reminded that there were actually people who loved me for me and that made me feel safe and happy.” I spat at him.

I didn’t want to have to deal with all this right now but apparently I have to.There’s no escaping this anymore.