Inside of You

Silence filled our surroundings. The only sound that was around us was the rain. Usually, the sound of water touching the ground comforted me but with all this tension, comfortable is the last thing worth feeling right now.

I turned around to see what John was doing or if he silently retreated into my house but he was right there on the front porch with his face in his hands. I bit my lip as my eyes started to imitate the clouds. My lips started to quiver as I tried to open them up. I remembered everything that happened that night and the scenes just kept playing over and over again just like a slideshow but only it never ended. I breathed in softly as I sat back down next to him – ready to tell him exactly what went down.

I started to talk about how the night started. His head didn’t perk up. Instead, he placed his hands down but kept his eyes on the ground as if he was too afraid to look at me while I reiterated everything to him.

The more I talked, the more I started tearing up until finally the tears freely came down upon my cheeks and trailed down my face. I told him how it happened and got into details. I watched him tense with every sentence and wanted to stop but I couldn’t. I knew that if I did, I wouldn’t be able to ever speak about it again so I guess I have to give this my all so that after this, I won’t be able to say anything about it ever again.

“The next day, I found myself alone in the room and saw that he actually left his number on the pillow that he managed to sleep in. I didn’t save it and I thought it was all over but after that day, I felt him watching him. When I went to the coffee shop down the street, when I went to the grocery or even when I went home, I felt like someone was watching me. I found out that he really was stalking me because one day, when I went back to my apartment and looked out the window, I saw him leaning against a post across the street and he was looking right at my window. That’s why I agreed when Mom asked me to come home.” I said wrapping up my story.

I heard his breathing get harsher and harsher as everything grew silent and the rain stopped. I looked away from him and was about to get up and go back inside the house but then the porch swing shifted.

“How could you just-” he seemed too aggravated to even finish his sentence. I looked back at him and touched his arm. He tensed but then softened up.

“John, I don’t expect you to understand all of this-”

“Just save it, okay,” he said getting up.

“What did you expect me to do?!” I said getting up wondering why the hell he’s acting this way about the whole thing.

“Look, I don’t know, okay!” he exclaimed raising his voice in the same level I did.

“Why are you so fucking angry?” I asked him. “Its not like it was my fucking fault that I was being raped by some fucked up drug addict that wanted to get laid! It wasn’t as if I wanted to get laid that night! I didn’t want any of this and I didn’t plan any of it!” Tears started pouring some more but John didn’t let that get to him. He kept the same exasperated face on but I could tell from the look in his eyes that he wanted to break down.

John grew silent and walked the other way. He was pacing. He thought about what to say next but I didn’t have the patience to wait anymore. “Look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. Haven’t you considered the fact that maybe I didn’t want to tell you because I wanted to forget about it? That maybe I didn’t want to share that experience because I didn’t want you to know about the problems I had? That maybe I wanted to start anew and maybe get it right this time? So many things have happened these past few weeks alone and you’ve done so much for me. I didn’t want the happiness to end but I guess after everything that has happened, by now I should be able to accept the fact that I can’t get what I want anymore,” I turned my back on him and leaned against the ledge.

Tears were pouring like waterfalls from my face as I began to feel more upset about how this all turned out. “I just thought you’d understand but maybe you never really did understand me.” I said turning around to face him. I was about to say something but in a split second, he managed to get close to me leaving only a few inches for space to breathe. He looked into my eyes and I noticed that his eyes had been teary as well. He closed the space between us with his lips and as much as I wanted to push him away, I couldn’t.

I melted into him as I laced my fingers behind his neck. He carried me up and placed me on the ledge. This wasn’t how I expected it to end but I didn’t know what else to do about it. I hated fighting with him and sometimes making it up to him is hard but this was easy – almost too easy actually.

I pushed him away with my forehead and unwound my arms from his neck. I just took in the moment for a while and watched his eyes dwell on our fingers as they intertwined. He kissed me on the cheek and trailed it up to my ear where he whispered, “I’m sorry for everything.”

That was all he said. I expected so much more but he didn’t meet my expectations.Sometimes I wonder if he’s worth it.