Inside of You

Once John let go of me, I found myself all teary eyed again. Was the crying ever going to stop today? I sighed as I looked up at him. He wiped away my tears and every time he touched me, I felt something. Feelings I thought I’d pushed away far away from me started rushing back and it didn’t feel right. I was supposed to hate him for what he did to me. I wasn’t supposed to falling for him all over again.

I pushed his hand away and made him stop wiping away my tears. I looked up at him and he looked at me in confusion. I shook my head at him before making my way into the kitchen. I breathed out slowly and composed myself as I walked into the living room to catch up with everyone else.

They all stopped laughing when I came into the room. They all asked me how it went with John and I just shrugged at them not knowing what to tell them. Garrett motioned me over to where he was and patted the space next to him telling me to sit there.

I walked over Kennedy and Jared who were sprawled out on the floor and made my way to the space next to Garrett. Andy was nowhere to be found which was good because she never really liked seeing me cuddle with Garrett. She always told me that she thought John and I were cute together but he was off being a jerk so I didn’t really agree with her totally even if I wanted to.

I curled up next to Garrett and he pulled me close so that my head was situated on his chest and my feet were on the couch. He placed a hand on my side and comforted me knowing that it didn’t end well with John. He knew me too much and sometimes it scared me but in times like these, I just thanked God that I had a friend like him.

“Where did Andy go?” I asked Garrett as soon as I was ready to talk. The guys were all playing a game of poker so they didn’t really mind us.

“She went with your Mom to go buy some things,” he told me. “Apparently, we’re having a barbeque here tonight,” he said and I shifted and placed my head on his thighs so I could look up at him. He smiled down at me as he played with my hair.

“What’s the barbeque for?” I asked him and he rolled his eyes.

“For you, duh,” he said stroking the tip of my nose playfully.

It didn’t take long before the back door opened and shut again. John was in the house and he didn’t seem pretty happy.

“Why are you doing this right now?” he spat as he walked into the living room.

“What are you talking about?” I asked getting up from the very comfortable position I was in.

“I’m trying to make things better but you’re not making this any easier for me,” he complained.

“Do you think I would just forgive you for everything you put me through?” I asked matching the tone of frustration in his voice.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and stopped to look at us now. I wasn’t really one who wanted to be the center of attention but I guess it’s unavoidable in a situation like this.

“Look, I fucked up. Why can’t you get that? I’m not perfect. I can make mistakes,” he informed me and I just rolled my eyes. This was getting more and more foolish by the minute.

“I know you’re not perfect John,” I told him getting up and crossing my arms.

“Then why are you acting like you think can’t make mistakes?” he asked in desperation. “Tell me, why can’t you just give me a second chance?” he asked me in a more gentle tone.

Well I couldn’t really answer to that. Everyone had their eyes on me and I just stared at John.

“B-because…” I stumbled as I trailed off trying to think of a comeback. “It’s all your fault that I ran away and gave up everything I had back then. I had to get away from you because I couldn’t stand watching you with all those girls you were hooking up with. I had to sacrifice a lot of things because I couldn’t stand the sight of you.

“If you think that I’m just going to forgive you for what you made me do then you’re wrong. You have to work for my forgiveness because I’m not just going to hand it over to you simply because you asked for it. It wouldn’t be fair to me,” I said speaking my mind. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I had to tell him before I would regret not doing it.

He sighed heavily. “Whatever. Have it your way,” he said walking towards the front door and slamming it as he walked out.

I swallowed hard afraid to face the people who were now staring at me. Garrett hugged me from behind and held me in his arms. “It’s gonna be okay,” he whispered to me and how I wish I could believe him but I just couldn’t bring myself to believing that it was going to be okay.

I looked at Kennedy, Pat and Jared and they all gave me half-hearted smiles.

“So do you guys get it now?” I asked them hoping that I didn’t have to explain anything else.

They all gave me nods and I bit my lip as Garrett’s arms detached themselves from me. They got back to their game and I walked into the kitchen looking for a bottle of water.

I didn’t really feel thirsty or anything like that but I didn’t want to stay in the room and pretend as if nothing happened.

“Do you think I was too hard on him?” I asked Garrett who followed me into the kitchen to return the now empty plastic bowl.

“I don’t think so,” he said casually as he sat on the counter after placing the bowl in the sink. “He deserves it,”

“I don’t know it feels like-”

“Don’t try to defend him,” he cut me off as he hopped off the countertop. “He’s an asshole who just missed his chance with you by throwing himself away to other girls who didn’t mean a thing to him,”

I sighed still doubting my decision. Maybe all this doubting and worrying will disappear sooner or later. It was too early to tell. I mean hello, I just got back for Christ’s sake.

Garrett gave me a smile before telling me that he needed to pee. I grinned as he left me alone in the kitchen. I twisted the cap off and drank the water inside as I watched Kennedy come in.

“Hey,” he greeted and I nodded at him as I swallowed the water that refreshed me. “I’m just wondering…” he trailed off.

“About?” I asked him sitting on one of the stools by the island counter.

“This whole thing practically,” he said leaning on the counter.

“What do you mean exactly?” I asked him raising an eyebrow.

“Well, John’s in love with you and I think it would be better if you just forgave him for being a dick.” Kennedy said making me all confused again about this whole situation.

“But don’t you think it would be unfair for me?” I asked him and he thought about it. I didn’t know if he was pretending to think or if he was really thinking but he scratched the side of his forehead and made some kind of face that kind of told you that he was.

“Well, I hate to be the one to break it to you but life is unfair sometimes. That’s why we live it. Everyday is a challenge and whether it’s fair or not, we still have to get up off of our asses and face the day ahead of us even if it means doing something that you think is not right.” He said and gave him a ‘did-you-just-say-that-or-am-I-just-imagining-things?’ face.

“So you’re saying that I should just forgive him for hurting me badly?” I asked him and he nodded slowly.

“John’s been pretty fucked up and our live sets have been sounding like shit and I need some money since I’m trying to survive on my own. So if you think about it, it would be a win-win for both sides.” He said making some kind of point and I tried to consider it. I mean if I could help someone, it would be a good thing right?

“I’ll have to think about it,” I told him and he smiled brightly at me.

“Thank you,” he said politely before leaving the room.

Garrett raised a questioning eyebrow at Kennedy who just shrugged it off and continued to walk into the living room.

“What was that about?” he asked me as he took the stool next to mine.

“Nothing,” I said playing with the label on the bottle of water that was still half full.

“Come on, you can tell me,” he said swaying to his left so that our shoulders would collide.

“He wants me to forgive John,” I told him and looked to the side to see what his reaction looked like.

“You don’t have to. Kennedy’s just being a selfish jerk.” He said eyeing Kennedy who was laughing at something one of the guys said.

“I mean he does have a point,” I told him as I looked back at the bottle of water and toyed with it some more.

Garrett just rolled his eyes and put his head in his hands. “You shouldn’t listen to him,” he said rubbing his eyes.

“Then what the hell should I do about this?” I asked throwing my hands up in frustration.

“Well, you should think about it more and reflect on all this. Once you got all of that down, you decide.” He instructed and I rolled my eyes at how broad he was being. I needed something specific not something that could go two ways.

“You’re not gonna give me anything more specific, are you?” I asked him and he looked at me with a big smile on his face.

“Nope,” he said. “I don’t want you to see it from any other person’s point of view. This is between you and John so no one else can have a say in this except you and/or him.” He said and I rolled my eyes.

“Well thanks,” I said sarcastically. “That just makes things so much clearer.” He laughed at that.

I hopped off the stool and drank what was left in the bottle of water in my hands. I thought about it a little more and knew that John would be forced to come to the barbeque later so I guess I had to fix things now.

“I think some time alone to think,” I told Garrett and he nodded.

I walked out the front door and took the familiar steps to his house. He lived in the house right next door to mine and I wasn’t sure if his parents were home but I was going to find out. I needed to save this friendship before it was too late.I just hope it’s not too late.