Inside of You

I was scared. Wait, scratch that. I was beyond terrified as I walked up the porch steps that led to his front door. Why was I even here? It’s not like I knew exactly what to say to him.

I tried to think about what he might do once he sees that it’s me knocking on the door. Would he slam it right back or would he actually listen to what I wanted to say? I hated how this thing could end up in two ways. I needed something that told me that this would end up on the positive side but I knew that there was no way that that was happening right now.

I knocked softly on his door hoping that no one would hear so that I could turn away and run back to my house. I counted to ten slowly but stopped at six when the door opened to reveal John who apparently had been crying.

“Oh, um, is this a bad time?” I asked swallowing hard as I watched him wipe away the tears that were falling out of his hazel green eyes. Guilty, guilty and I’ll say it again, guilty. Guilt coursed through my veins as I watched him shake his head and tell me that it was cool to go inside his house.

“So what’d you want to talk about?” he asked as he sniffled a bit. He was trying to put on a casual façade but he couldn’t hide the fact that he was broken. It was written all over his face – literally.

“Us,” I said simply and he looked straight at me. I gulped and thought that maybe what I said was too frank but I couldn’t dilly-dally. My mom and my sister were bound to come home any minute now and I wanted him to be there because whether I want to deny to death or not, I knew deep inside, I missed John for being always being there for me. I knew that side of him was still in there somewhere and if we became friends again, then that would be awesome enough.

He sighed but I couldn’t tell if it was in relief or frustration. I bit my lip as he started talking. “I get it, okay? You only have to tell me once.” He said sullenly as he sat on the couch. I didn’t feel like sitting down because I thought it would be awkward for the both of us if I did.

“Look, I’m sorry for what I said. I was angry and frustrated and you know that I don’t mean things when I’m mad,” I said and he looked at me from the side. “I’m stupid, okay? Let me just get that out there but I don’t want that to rip us apart,” I swallowed hard. “I don’t want to forget everything we’ve been through or what it feels like to never be friends with you again,” I said and his expression changed. Shit, did I say something wrong?

I looked at him but he just continued to stare at the blank television screen that wasn’t even on. I was just about to turn and walk back to my house but then I remembered that I still had to tell him to come to the barbeque.

“Oh and you should come the barbeque later,” I said softly but he didn’t move. “We’ll be there and I’ll try to get out of your way if that’s what you really want,” I told him and spun around ready to start walking.

“Olivia, wait,” he said just as I was about to take the first step. He got up and took my hand spinning me around. “I don’t wanna be friends with you,” he stated making my eyes go wide.

“W-what?” I stuttered.

“Yeah, I don’t want to be friends with you,” he repeated and tears in my eyes were about to spill as I looked at how serious he was being. He didn’t give a smile and he looked like he was in a really bad mood but his hand still held mine.

I looked down at our hands not wanting him to see me cry but he lifted my chin up to make me look up at him and then our lips met. Sparks flew down my spine as he kissed me.

We parted and I saw that perfectly crooked smile of his that to this day, made my heart fly. I looked up at him and let the tears roll down my cheeks as I kissed him back passionately. I’ve waited for this day for so long and I never thought it would come but here I was in John’s house locked into his lips.

His hand left mine and travelled all the way on my sides. I placed my arms around his neck as I tip toed to make sure we were levelled in height. A smile crept up on John’s lips as he moved back and sat down on the couch and placed me on his lap. Now I was taller but other than that, I was happy.

When we both parted for air, I got off of him and sat next to him as I looked up at the ceiling. I bit my lip and smiled. I smiled because I was with John. I smiled because everything possible thing I thought about doing with John just happened. I smiled because we were finally on good terms again. But was I supposed to be smiling at all?

I breathed in deeply as I got up and looked at him. He looked back up at me and we just started cracking up.

“You do not know how long I’ve wanted to do that,” he said getting up and taking my hand pulling me close to him.

“Huh,” I said thinking about how everything was so ironic in a way. “You know, I think they’re all waiting for us now,” I told him stroking his nose playfully as I ran out the door.

I ran over to my house and watch him chase me down just like we used to when we were young. Memories started flooding back to me and I just couldn’t wait to make more of them now that something good just happened. This was going to last forever.

But once I got into the door, everyone stopped pacing and looked at me with sadness in their eyes.

“What happened?” I asked all of them but they refused to meet my eyes.

“Liv, I think you might want to sit down for this,” Jared told me as John came in.

“Got you!” he said hugging me from the back. Normally, I would start laughing if everything was just fine but this was a serious moment and John saw that once they saw the faces of his bandmates.

I sat down on the couch anxious to know what they wanted to tell me. I waited patiently as each one of them sat next to me but Pat was sitting on the coffee table that was set right in front of me. Apparently, he was the one who wanted to break it down to me.

“Olivia, we just got a call from the hospital. Your Mom and your sister got into an accident.” Please tell me he didn’t just say that.