Inside of You

Days passed slowly but I hardly left the room that contained my mother. She has been in a coma for three straight days and I was afraid about her never ever getting up from it.

I knew I couldn’t ask her why she didn’t tell me since obviously, it would be similar to Garrett’s and I can’t blame anyone but myself. If I scold myself for running away one more time, I think I’m going to blow up so I’ll just put that thought aside. Regret won’t bring her back. I started praying hard that any second now, her eyes will flicker and life will suffice on her face. I wanted to be able to talk to her again. I needed to talk to her again and catch up on her life.

“You know, you’re gonna have to get out of here and take a bath some time,” I heard John say after the automatic doors slid open.

I turned around and squinted at him to focus on his face. I had been crying for three straight days and that didn’t benefit my eyes at all. The light was a bitch to me too.

I bit my lip as I got up from the chair that was by the bed and stretched. I walked over to John who walked towards me with open arms. I wrapped my arms him and buried my face in his chest as he wrapped his arms around my small figure and kept me warm. It was hard not to cry at a moment like this. I was losing her with every second wasted. I talked to her every once in a while since the doctors said she could hear me but even talking to her won’t help me anymore because she never opens her eyes and replies to me.

John pulled away just to look at my face which he lifted up with his fingers. He gave me a sad smile as tears sprung out of my eyes. “Stop crying, it’s gonna be alright.” He whispered but I couldn’t take it anymore. They were lying to me and they knew it.

“Please don’t make it any worse, John.” I told him letting my arms slowly slip away from his body.

“What do you mean?” he asked me in a hushed tone as our fingers met and intertwined.

“I just can’t take the lies anymore,” I said softly looking at the machines instead of his bright hazel green eyes. Tears started slipping and I was on the verge of breaking down again.

“Baby, we’re only trying to comfort you,” he said pulling me back into his arms. I tried to fight his embrace but he was too strong for my weak body that has skipped a lot of meals since I got to the hospital.

“But could you at least show some consideration and not lie about what’s going to happen, because this isn’t going to be okay, John. It will never be okay,” I said finding it hard to keep my balance. My knees were shaking and I needed to sit down. Luckily, there was a couch beside the door. That couch has been my bed these past three days. It might not be comfortable, but it’ll do.

“What do you expect us to say?” he asked trying to keep his calm. I knew he was a bit annoyed. I could read him like a book.

“I don’t know,” I said leaning against the wall. “This is all too much for me and it’s all my fault that she’s in here right now,” I said trying my hardest not to keep the tears from falling but it’s like rain on a rainy day. There’s no stopping it. “If I never left, I would’ve been able to take care of her and watch her take all the meds the doctors said she didn’t take. I could’ve helped her through this and she would’ve been okay but I just had to run away. I threw away everything that reminded me of home and that did not do me any good and now I’m regretting. I’m regretting, John,” I said looking at him with tear filled eyes that burst into a river down my cheeks.

He wiped them away slowly and I noticed him clenching his jaw. I looked up into his eyes and saw that they were starting to well up. “It’s not your fault,” he said looking me straight in the eye. “Don’t blame yourself for this. Just be happy that you’re here right now and that your Mom’s alive,” he said pulling me into a side hug.

“I just can’t believe this happened,” I said leaning on his shoulder.

We stayed like that in silence for a little while and just made the time pass in silence. It wasn’t long ‘til I found myself asleep in his arms. These past few days, I’ve had wars against sleeping. I fought hard to stay awake so that when my mother wakes up, she and I could talk about things. She and I could have some quality time with each other. Coffee couldn’t help me when I needed it the most and maybe I ended up napping here and there but usually it was only for an hour.

You might be wondering what I would be doing in the hospital for three days. Well, one, I talked to her a lot and I just watched her lying on her bed peacefully. I just hope it doesn’t get too peaceful. I didn’t want to lose her especially now that I just got back from New York where I wasted all this precious time. There were so many things that I wanted to talk about with her and I spoke up but knew she wouldn’t be saying anything since she was asleep.

I was about to lose all consciousness when all of a sudden, John shook me awake. My eyes opened wide but they hurt so much. I fought hard to stay awake while John was telling me something. I looked at my mother who was moving her fingers and waving at me. I ran to her side and hugged her tightly while John went to go call a doctor to give her some kind of check-up.

“Mom, I’m so sorry,” I said spilling more tears.

“Olivia, it’s not your fault.” She whispered. She was tired and that ached me to the bone. She was getting weaker with every second and there was nothing I could do about it.

“Mom, we still have so much to talk about,” I told her sniffling and she placed a fragile hand on my head and let it slip.

“I heard everything you said, dear.” She said and I looked up at her and she smiled at me and it made me cry even more. “But before everything else, I just want you to know that I made my will and that I want you to be happy and I want you to be able to move on and take care of your sister.” She said and stopped when she remembered what happened.

“Andy’s back home, Mom. She’s fine and safe,” I told her and she smiled in relief.

John came back with a doctor who gave her another dose of morphine to ease her pain. I didn’t want to see her like this and no matter how much I don’t want to blame myself, I can’t.

After the doctor went out the room, the monitors started beeping rapidly and my mother was unconscious yet again. I wanted to run to my mother’s side but a team of doctors and nurses came into the ICU and asked us to wait outside. John had to drag me outside since I was too stubborn to follow orders. I didn’t want to leave her. I didn’t want her to leave us. I didn’t want her to leave me blaming myself.This was all my fault.