Inside of You

The next few days, I spent them in tears. I thought that maybe they would run out soon but they just kept on flowing. The boys have been there for me and they never left my side even though I told them that I’d be fine. They didn’t leave because they knew me well. They knew that I was stubborn and that I didn’t want to admit that I needed them. There were times where I locked myself up in my room but that never lasted long because after an hour or so, someone would check up on me.

John has been extra careful with everything that came out of his mouth. As if one word could break me and make me feel worse but I didn’t think so. This was rock bottom and I hit it - hard.

My mother passed away two days ago and I just kept reminding myself of how selfish I was even though the people around me told me not to. Her burial was filled with me crying into John’s chest and him shushing me but it didn’t work. She was buried under the ground and she would never be alive again. I would never get to hug her again. We would never get to talk to each other. But if I try to look at it in another way, she’d be in a place where nothing hurts anymore and she’d be resting in peace happily.

Andy and I haven’t spoken to each other since I went into the ICU where my Mom was being held. She might’ve visited once or twice but I knew it hurt her too much so she didn’t come around to often.

Andy has every reason to hate me. She suffered through all this while I went away not even thinking about how they were doing or if my mother was sick. All the blame coursed through my veins. They were like cells. They divided. The building blocks of my life were guilt and blame. I couldn’t stand being the same room with her because I knew that the pain she was feeling would only worsen so I kept my distance knowing that that was the right thing to do. They say time can heal most so I’m hoping that it would mend our relationship because I don’t want to lose anyone else anymore.

Friday morning, I woke up to the light outside my window. The last thing I remembered from last night was sitting by the window and just feeling the Arizona breeze. It was something I really missed. I watched the trees sway and listened to the serene surroundings. I must’ve fallen asleep there and then someone must’ve carried me to my bed because I was wrapped in my blanket and I was comfortable on my mattress with a pillow beneath my head.

I couldn’t spend my life like this anymore. Someone had to take care of things around here. I had to be responsible for my actions. My mother said that she had made her will. I had to call the family lawyer and ask him about it.

I went to take a shower and tried to wash every trace of sadness but the puffiness of my eyes were something I couldn’t wash away. I was feeling a little better. My mother said she wanted me to be happy and to be able to move on. I didn’t want to disappoint her so I guess this would be the first step.

Once I finished showering and brushing my teeth, I changed into some decent clothes since I was about to go into a place where I thought dressing casually would make me underdressed so once I put on my bra and underwear, I pulled over a sleeveless white dress that didn’t reveal too much and stopped right above my knee. I blow-dried my hair and pulled it into a loose ponytail. I put on the necklace that had a locket as a pendant that my mother had given when I was about five and placed on the diamond studded bracelet that she had given me when I graduated high school. I wore these things not because I wanted to torture myself but because I wanted to remind myself exactly of what my mother had told me before she passed away. ‘Be happy and move on.’ That was my mission and I was willing to complete it.

Once I thought I looked good enough, I smiled at myself to give me some kind of encouragement and called the lawyer – whose number was taped to the back of the cordless - to make an appointment. He shared his condolences before telling me where to meet him and what time I should be there. I looked at the clock after the call got disconnected and saw that I had hour until I had to meet him.

He wanted to meet me at the Starbucks on the strip mall about 8 blocks from here. There was no way that I was walking in the hot Arizona heat so I guess I had to take my mother’s car.

I walked down the stairs just to see John sleeping on the couch with his mouth hanging open. Nothing in the way he positioned his body as he slept made me think that he was comfortable. I pitied him as I tried my best to sneak past the sleeping bodies that were on the chairs and even some on the carpet on the floor. I told them not to stay here…

I was just walking into the kitchen to make myself coffee when all of a sudden, someone yawned and got up. The person was headed towards the kitchen. I didn’t know why I was so scared but I started hastening my actions to get things done more quickly.

“Olivia?” I heard Garrett’s sleepy voice call out.

I had already placed the coffee in the coffee maker and filled it up with water and plugged it in but it seems that time was passing too slow. I didn’t want to have to face anyone before I left but I guess that that was inevitable.

“Good morning,” I said giving him a small smile as he dragged himself around the island and pulled me into a hug. “I told you guys to go home and get some rest,” I whispered into his ear as he prolonged the hug. “You guys are gonna get rashes from sleeping on the carpet and stiff necks from sleeping on the couch. You guys need a proper bed-”

Garrett cut me off by placing a finger to my lips telling me to shut up. I turned around just to see that the coffee maker was almost full. I grabbed two cups from the cupboard and poured coffee in both. I handed one to Garrett and got the creamer and sugar from the pantry and all the while, he kept a watchful eye on me. I gave an enthusiastic smile to show him that I was alright but he didn’t buy it.

“So where are you headed?” he asked me as he eyed my outfit up and down.

“Oh, um, I’m going to meet up with the family lawyer,” I told him and his eyes shot up at me as he took a sip of his coffee. “I need to start fixing this. I can’t just leave it like this and give up on life. I have Andy to take care of and even though she hates me right now, I still have to this for the sake of keeping this family alive.

“She doesn’t hate you,” he said and I just shook my head. “Actually, I think she needs you,” I took a sip of my coffee and gave me a questioning look.

“She has every reason to hate me,” I told Garrett and he rolled his eyes. He knew I was being stubborn again.

“I don’t hate you Olivia, I want you dead.” I looked to the left and saw Andy still in her pajamas and a scowl on her face. She sneered at me and watched me with hateful eyes.Her words shattered me into pieces.