Nothing in This World Can Compare to You

[Ash]

I woke up the morning after I got back from Paris with a blinding headache and an arm around my waist. Oh shit. I knew I shouldn’t have drunk so much on the flight home. Fuck, I don’t even remember how much I drank! Dylan was meant to pick me up. Why didn’t he…fuck. Oh he’s going to hate me for speaking to him like that! Why did I drink so much?! Damn, I’d better go find him and apologize. As carefully and quickly as I could, I shimmied out of unknown airplane guy’s grip and got dressed, before running out of the room. Front door? Ah, there we go. I opened and slipped out, quietly shutting it behind me. Where the hell am I? Uh, okay, I know this road. I’d better start walking before airplane guy wakes up and realizes I’m gone!

It took me about 45 minutes to find Dylan and Geoff’s apartment from where I’d stayed the night, but as soon as I started walking up the stairs, Dylan himself crashed into me, rucksack in hand.

“Shit, sorry…oh, Ash,” Dylan sighed, standing up.

Ouch. I guess I should’ve expected that response. I accepted his hand to help me up, but frowned as he walked straight past me.

“Where are you going?” I called, running after him.

Dylan stopped where he was walking, but didn’t turn to face me.

“I’m going to the hospital,” was all he said.

What? Why?!

“Is Geoff okay?” I asked, worried.

Dylan hesitated again, before turning to face me. The expression of sadness on his face made me worry even more – what’s happened?!

“It’s not Geoff. It’s…Nate,” Dylan said softly.

My breath hitched in my throat as my entire body froze. Nate. Nate’s in hospital. I-I don’t even know what to think. Should I be worried about him? Should I care what happened to him? Why does Dylan care so much? What have I missed since being in Paris?!

“Look, I’ve got to go,” Dylan said, interrupting my thought process.

“W-What happened to him?” I squeaked.

“I don’t think you really want to know,” Dylan mumbled.

“Please,” I begged, clasping onto Dylan’s arm.

My eyes filled with tears when Dylan’s did. What the hell happened?! Dylan never cries.

“Nate tried to kill himself. Geoff and I found him yesterday afternoon in the bathtub with slit wrists and he also overdosed on cocaine,” Dylan said quietly.

A sob tore from my throat and my hand flew up to my mouth. No. No that can’t be true. Nate would never…why would he do that? I can’t be…because of me? No. Nate wouldn’t. He wouldn’t. Dylan saw the distress in my eyes and sighed.

“You’ve missed so much while you were away,” Dylan said with a weak smile.

“I want to see him,” I blurted.

Dylan frowned, obviously confused. To be fair, I’m confused too. I don’t know why I just said that. I just know that I need to do it.

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” Dylan said shortly.

“I want to see him,” I repeated, this time firmer.

Dylan looked at me for a few seconds, before nodding, beckoning me to his car. When he started the engine and I’d buckled my seatbelt, he pulled a stick of gum and a can of deodorant out his bag.

“You stink,” was all he said.

Thanks.

It took us half an hour to get to the hospital, thanks to traffic. Dylan parked up and cut the engine, before looking at me.

“I’m not sure how well everyone’s going to welcome you,” he announced.

“Who’s there?” I choked, drying my eyes.

“Geoff, Josh, Harry, Maria, Janet and Rose. You remember his grandma and youngest cousin, right?” Dylan smiled weakly.

“Yeah,” I sniffed.

Dylan’s right – I’m not going to be welcome. I know for a fact that Josh hates me, and I wouldn’t be surprised if his parents and family do too. I shouldn’t have come. I shouldn’t.

“Come on then,” Dylan encouraged.

I swallowed heavily and nodded, getting out the car. I followed Dylan all the way up to Nate’s room, tears filling my eyes as I thought about Nate trying to kill himself. I didn’t think things were that bad for him. I just…I wish there had been anything I could do to stop him. Anything. Dylan squeezed my shoulder lightly before knocking on a door, opening it straight after.

“What the fuck is he doing here?” Josh growled.

“Shut the fuck up. Ash wanted to come,” Dylan spat, closing the door behind us.

Although I was grateful for Dylan defending me, I ignored Geoff’s brother, just staring at the unconscious body on the bed. Tears rolled freely down my cheeks at the sight of the multiple tubes and needles, the oxygen mask over his face and the heavy bandages around his wrists, and I wrapped my arms around my body to hold myself together. Pain exploded across my chest as my eyes ran up and down his body, taking in all the horrifying details. No-one spoke a word, until Josh stood up and stormed out the room.

“Sorry,” Geoff sighed, running his fingers through his hair.

“No, he’s right. Nate wouldn’t want me here,” I replied, shaking my head.

Dylan and Geoff glanced at each other, before nodding.

“Nate should be waking up in a few hours, so Harry, Maria, Janet and Rose are getting food downstairs. We’ll go find Josh and then find them. You’ll have half an hour alone,” Geoff announced.

“Thanks,” I whimpered.

Geoff just smiled weakly, before following Dylan out the door. As soon as the door was shut I collapsed into the chair next to Nate’s bed and held his cold hand between two of my own.

“Why? Why did you do this?” I sobbed, staring at his peaceful face.

Of course he didn’t wake up and answer me. I just kept sobbing and whimpering, pressing desperate kisses to the palm of his hand, the back of his hand and his fingers, wishing that he could give me some sort of explanation.

“I don’t care about everything that’s happened between us. I don’t care that we ended horribly or that we tore our friends apart – I can’t have you out of my life and I wish you knew that. I wish you weren’t so stupid as to try to kill yourself. I wish that I could rewind time and erase Ricardo. I wish that I could hold you in my arms like I used to. Fuck, I’ve made so many mistakes since leaving you. So many. I would take back every man that I slept with if it meant that we could be together again. I’d never step foot in the limelight again if you would smile at me. If you would kiss me. I’m sorry. I love you so much that it’s killing me to see you like this. I’m so so sorry,”

After that confession I pressed one final kiss to his hand, before lying my head on his bed and closing my eyes. I’m not leaving here until he tells me to himself.