Nothing in This World Can Compare to You

[Nate]

I felt like I was in a haze. Just sort of floating, peaceful almost. Is this what heaven feels like? If it is, then fuck I’m glad I’m here. Everyone will get over my death, I know they will. All I ever did was screw up anyway. I tried to open my mouth, but it felt like my lips were glued together. What the fuck? So I tried to move my arms. Again, I couldn’t. What the hell is going on?

Beep. Beep. Beep.

What’s that noise? I don’t understand what’s happening. Then the haze around me started to shift and change, until everything went pitch black. Now I’m really confused. I should be dead! Not hearing beeping and…crying? Is that someone crying? Slowly I opened my eyes, confused to see an off-white room and me lying in a bed. That beeping! It’s louder! I turned my head to the side to see a heart monitor and everything clicked.

“Shit, I’m still here,” I groaned.

I jumped slightly at sudden movement on my left. No way. Ash?!

“What the fuck are you doing here?!” I gasped.

“D-Dylan told me what you did. How could you be so stupid?!” Ash sobbed, letting go of my hand.

I frowned at the removal of warmth. He must’ve been the person I heard crying. God fucking damn it!

“I didn’t want to live anymore. What’s not to understand?” I retorted, rolling my eyes.

Why is he here? He has no reason to be here, especially not with his extravagant escapades in Paris.

“You’re so fucking selfish! What about Geoff, huh? Him and Dylan found you in a pool of your own fucking blood, Nate. And your parents! They almost lost you to drugs when you were 16 and this is how you repay them? And…”

“Don’t you dare say you,” I snarled, interrupting.

Ash looked a bit startled for a second, before the angry determination was back in his eyes. He looks so sexy like this…NO! He’s an inconsiderate asshole who’s been sleeping around France. Stop it, Nate.

“Why not me? Don’t you think I’ve suffered because of what happened between us?” Ash spat.

“Haven’t you been fucking around Paris with photographers and fashion designers?” I shot back.

“And models,” Ash added, sneering.

“Models? I thought you would’ve had enough of models. Especially European ones,” I laughed bitterly.

Tears filled Ash’s eyes and he stood up, fists clenched. I gritted my teeth and pushed myself upright, ignoring the excruciating pain in my stomach.

“I went through so much pain because of you, and you don’t even care,” Ash shrieked.

“I got hooked on cocaine, ecstasy and heroin again, Ash. So I think you’ll find I did care,” I growled.

Ash’s jaw dropped and his eyes went wide. Well he clearly wasn’t updated very well.

“W-Why?” he stuttered.

“I don’t need to explain myself to you. So why don’t you fuck off home and live the dream, because I sure as hell don’t need you in my life,” I said angrily, glaring at him.

“You don’t mean that,” Ash whispered.

“Excuse me?” I scoffed.

“You don’t mean that you don’t need me in your life. You don’t!” Ash whimpered.

I had to look away as tears filled my eyes. Ash looks as heartbroken as I feel. But this can’t work out. I’m just a screw up.

“Just leave Ash,” I sighed, running my hand through my hair.

“No,” Ash replied instantly, shaking his head.

“Leave, goddamnit! Find someone who’s actually worth your time, okay? You don’t need me and I’ll find a way not to need you,” I repeated, although my voice cracked at the end.

Come on, be strong! I can’t crack right now, not in front of him.

“I do need you. I need you to hold me in your arms at night. I need you to keep me safe on the ground when my head’s floating with stupid ideas. I need the smell of your clothes. I need the way you cook. I need your crooked smile. I need to hear your laugh. I need to see you run your hands through your hair. I need you to hear me say I love you,” Ash insisted, grabbing my hand.

A sob choked up my throat at his words, tears falling heavily from my eyes. I hate feeling so weak, so vulnerable, but Ash just breaks down all my boundaries, just like he always did.

“Don’t do this to me. Don’t dangle this in front of my face only to snatch it away,” I begged, clutching onto his t-shirt desperately.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Ash whispered hoarsely.

I cried out softly and pulled his face down to mine, our lips and teeth clashing in a frantic embrace. As I kissed him forcefully, Ash crawled onto the bed and so he was straddling my waist where I was sitting upright, threading his fingers through my dark hairin the way I used to love so much. He let out a soft moan as I tugged his bottom lip between my teeth, but granted access for my tongue to slide in and tangle with his, our tongues dancing an almost forgotten tango. Words can barely describe how much I’ve missed this. How much I’ve missed us. I just don’t want this to be a dream, only to wake up and it not to be real. For this to all have been some sort of twisted fantasy that’ll only leave me more hollow than ever. After thinking this I clutched Ash tighter to my body, wishing with every fibre of my soul never to let him go again. I wouldn’t survive without him. I know that much now.

Then Ash pulled away making me whimper. He’s going to leave right now and never come back, I know he is. He’s going to say how this was such a big mistake and how he should never have come to see me. He’s going to…

“Baby, please don’t look so worried. You know I hate it when you worry,” Ash murmured, stroking my cheek with his hand.

“I thought you were going to leave,” I confessed nervously.

“Never. I would never,” Ash said softly, but firmly.

“I’m sorry for everything I did. I’m sorry for not believing you, and I’m sorry for being a dickhead,” I apologized, looking up into his baby blue eyes.

“I’m sorry for not fighting Ric-Ricardo harder. And I’m sorry for making you so insecure about us,” Ash smiled weakly.

“I was not insecure,” I grunted.

“Yes you were. But it was my fault,” Ash said stubbornly.

“I love you,” I chuckled, my heart pounding harder now that I’m finally able to say that again.

“And I love you. Don’t ever forget that,” Ash said softly.

I grinned and breathed a short sigh of relief, before capturing his lips with mine again, a few short soft kisses before I relaxed back in my pillows, holding his hands tightly in mine. I’m still half-convinced that this is a dream. I just can’t believe that Ash is really here, that he’s really straddling my waist and that we’ve just kissed. Ash smiled his adorable smile at me, chewing his bottom lip lightly.

“So what do we do now?” I asked.

“You could start by explaining what the hell is going on,”

Ash froze for a second before quickly getting off my lap. I groaned slightly when I saw Dylan, Geoff, Josh, my parents, my grandma and my cousin all standing in the doorway, Dylan and Geoff grinning.

“Ash and I had a talk,” I said simply.

“Didn’t look like much talking was going on,” Geoff whispered loudly to Dylan.

“I heard that,” I said dryly, although I smiled slightly at the blush on Ash’s cheeks.

“We’re just glad you’re alright,” my dad said softly.

“No lectures?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Maybe a few when you get out, dear,” my mom said with a weak smile.

I sighed but nodded, expecting that. I’m expecting that from everyone, if I’m honest.

“How are you feeling?”

“Like shit,”

“Language,” my grandma Janet scolded playfully.

“Ah the little brat wouldn’t dare curse, would you Rose?” I laughed.

“Fuck you,” Rose scoffed, although she had a lighthearted glint in her eyes.

My parents and my grandma went pale but the rest of us laughed, including Rose. I can’t believe she’s nearly 16 now. I can’t even remember the last time I saw her. I don’t like the reason I’m seeing her is because of this. Everyone seemed to notice my change in emotion, because they all smiled sympathetically.

“I’m going to go find a nurse,” my mom announced.

“I’ll go with you,” my dad agreed.

So they left the room.

“Now that you’re okay, we’ve really got to get a plane home. Rose’s parents don’t even know she’s over here,” Janet smiled.

“Like they give a shit,” Rose snorted, rolling her eyes.

She’s grown up well. My grandma rolled her eyes at Rose’s cussing, but gave me a firm hug, Rose doing the same, before they left too.

“If you dare cause Nate to go back to drugs again, I swear I will cut your throat and let you bleed to death,” Josh scowled.

“Duly noted,” Ash nodded, swallowing heavily.

I raised an eyebrow at my overprotective friend, but he just shrugged.

“Just looking out for you man. Stay off that shit,” Josh smiled.

“Will do,” I nodded.

I’m not addicted to drugs like Louise was. I’m stronger than that and I’m not stupid. Even though everyone probably thinks I am.

“So what are you two going to do?” Geoff asked, looking between me and Ash.

Ash looked up at me, still chewing his bottom lip.

“I-I don’t know. I think we’ll have to talk a little more while Nate’s still in hospital,” Ash said quietly, his grip on my hand tightening.

“I already know what I want,” I said simply.

Ash just blushed, ducking his head to hide his smile.

“Whatever the hell you two talk about over the next few days, you’re going to have to work through a whole load of problems. And tell each other everything that’s happened over the last three months,” Dylan said seriously.

“Everything,” Geoff emphasized.

“Yeah, we know,” I said softly, squeezing Ash’s hand softly.

Whatever it is that we do have to work through, I know it’ll be worth it. I’m sure as hell not losing Ash again.