Never Regret

I’m freaking out. Today is the 3rd December (also Mike’s birthday) and our last gig is on the 18th December – I have two weeks left with Michael. TWO WEEKS!! What the fuck am I meant to do?! We haven’t talked about what’s going to happen to us after the tour. I remember right at the beginning, he said that he was going back to Australia for a while because TAI are having a few months break after this long tour. Not a break-up, just a holiday break. I can’t go to Australia! I have my daughter to look after, and Never Regret are meant to be working on our new album! Fuck, what if Michael and I...break up? I can’t handle that, not now.

Seeing as it’s Mike’s birthday, we’re having a day off. We’ve been in Greensboro, North Carolina, for 4 days now, so with today’s day off and the gig tomorrow, the rest of the tour is going to be crazy. We have four more destinations to get to in under two weeks – it’s going to be insane! There’s not going to be much time for me and Michael to talk about things either. Everyone’s gone out to get breakfast, but I’m still lying in my bunk, iPod jammed in my ears. I just can’t deal with people right now.

Unfortunately Taylor seemed to have other ideas. I groaned as she pulled my curtain open and ripped out my earphones, but she must’ve seen something in my expression because she frowned. Taylor never frowns.

“Uh, guys, I’m going to stay on the bus with Mack today,” Taylor announced.

I heard a chorus of groans and ‘why?’ and I whimpered. Michael’s on here.

“Mack’s not feeling good. As in, going to throw up any minute,” Taylor lied, pushing my fringe off my forehead.

I heard footsteps coming near us so I curled up into a ball and pulled my covers over my head.

“I’ll stay and look after her. You go,” Michael announced softly.

No!

“No, you go. Mike’s your best friend, and it’s his birthday, so go. I’ll look after Mack I promise,” Taylor reassured.

Fuck, I’m so glad Taylor knows me so well to know when I just need to be left alone. Well, alone with her obviously.

“Alright, if you’re sure. I’ll call her later,” Michael sighed.

I didn’t pull back my duvet until Taylor shook me lightly.

“Everyone’s gone. Now tell me why I just lied my ass off for you,” Taylor grinned, climbing into bed with me.

I smiled weakly and pulled the duvet over her too, so she would stay warm – it’s freaking winter, people!

“There’s only two weeks left on this tour and...”

I trailed off, biting my bottom lip in worry. I don’t want to say it, I’ll look pathetic.

“And...what? This isn’t about Chizzy, is it?” Taylor frowned, propping her head up with her hand.

I sighed. Damn it.

“Maybe?” I offered.

“Maaaack!” Taylor whined, “You can’t start freaking out now! Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. You get dressed into something warm and I’ll meet you outside with blankets and chairs and mochas. That way you can smoke while we talk – you’re always calmer when smoking,”

I looked into her eyes, knowing she was serious. Wonderful.

“Alright, fine,” I agreed reluctantly.

Taylor smiled and bounded out of my bunk, leaving me to get dressed. I pulled on my black skinny jeans and a random black graphic tee, as well as a purple and black hoodie and a gazillion matching purple accessories, including my favourite purple Doc Martens. On a last thought, I grabbed my fingerless skeleton gloves with my cigarettes and lighter, and trudged out the bus to meet Taylor. Sure enough we had deckchairs, two fluffy blankets and a flask of mocha each. I love this girl.

“Alright, spill,” Taylor said firmly after I sat down.

So I did. I told her all my insecurities about me and Michael. About how I worried that we weren’t going to stay together after this tour. About how Jasmine would be heartbroken because she was getting attached to Michael. About how my heart would be broken because I haven’t let anyone else have it in such a long time. I told her about my fear of Michael being my last chance to have love, and if I lose him I’ll never get it again. It turns out that I talked for over an hour, Taylor staying silent. She stayed silent for the time it took me to smoke an entire cigarette after I finished too.

“You know what I think? I think you need to talk to him,” Taylor said softly.

“No,” I said bluntly.

“Why not?” Taylor frowned.

“Because then he’ll start worrying and he’ll be clingy and annoying,” I muttered.

“But if you don’t talk to Chizzy, he won’t know what you’re worried about and then what you’re thinking will have more chance of happening!” Taylor exasperated.

I paused for a second, pulling out another cigarette. What? I need it!

“You think Michael and I are going to break up?” I said finally.

“What? No! I...”

“Save it, Tay,” I sighed, interrupting her.

Taylor watched me sadly as I lit up another cigarette.

“You can’t just bottle everything up, Mack. Like it or not, what you and Chizzy have is real. This is an adult relationship and you can’t just hide everything like you did in high school,” Taylor said firmly.

“Difference is, in high school I was raped by the boy I loved. Difference is, it’s going to hurt a lot more to lose Michael,” I retorted, staring her down.

Taylor just shook her head, smiling weakly at me.

“You won’t lose him if you try,” she murmured.

We fell into silence, both of us brooding and thinking deeply. I can’t lose Michael, but I can’t talk to him about this. What the fuck am I meant to do?