Bursting Red

What have I become, my sweetest friend?

“Come on Nezumi, wake up.” Slowly, I opened my eyes to the dull, dim room I was in. Deidara stood in front of me, frowning deeply and shaking me until he was sure I would get up and not fall back asleep. “Now onna.” He shook harder and finally I gave a moan and sat up, nudging his hand away and running my own working digits through my mangled hair. Opening one eye I tossed an unsatisfied glance at him and he only shook his head at me. “You need to get ready, hm.”

“For what?” I asked sleepily, allowing a yawn to slip in between my words. With a sigh he sat down next to me and stared a the ground like I was missing something painfully obvious that he couldn‘t stand to say. And then I remembered, “oh, right.” We both fell into a silent sort of state where everything seemed out of place and almost awkward. His hand found its way to my wrist and reassuringly, he rubbed his thumb over the skin.

“I got you something today, you needed it.” Curiously, I raised an eyebrow at him still feeling somewhat bruised. He reached down to the floor on the other side of the bed and pulled up a pile of dark blue fabric. “It looked like something you would like, hm.” It was hard not to giggle at the way he spoke, like he was almost embarrassed that he had shopped for me. I lifted the soft fabric up and a soft smile found it’s way to my lips. The dress was thin but flowed freely, at the hems were the intricate designs of hand woven lace and even though it was low cut it seemed fit for a child. Sweet, gentle, innocent, that type of thing. I folded the dress in my lap and leaned forward to wrap my thin arms around him in a sort of hug. He patted my arm and it almost seemed like he was avoiding full contact. I tried my hardest to pass it off as him being lazy. “So you like it, yeah?”

“Yeah, I like it. I’ll wear it today.” However morbid it sounded, I meant it to sound gracious. His eyes traveled up my arms and lightly, he drug his fingertips up my new bandages.

“Did you do that by yourself?”

“No, Itachi-san dressed them for me earlier.” Deidara frowned at me and took his hand back like I had burned him, turning away to glower elsewhere.

“I don’t like him touching you, hm. Especially when I’m not there, don’t do that again.” I replied with a short ‘of course’ and he looked away ashamed again. It’s not like I would even get a chance to be alone with anyone after today. Not Itachi, not Deidara, not even with that manic one that wanted my blood. “I’m sorry” he mumbled, I could tell by his shifting he was feeling awkward around me and I took that as my chance to get up and get changed. I turned away from him and slipped out of my blood stained dress, the new dress felt like silk along my damaged skin. The cut was lower than I was used to but because my chest had gotten smaller it didn’t matter. I was close to looking like a boy so maybe this was a little reassurance I still had something there. I turned towards Deidara and gave a small smile, he didn’t return it as I thought he would have. He pulled me onto his lap and placed his forehead against my shoulder. “I’ll miss this,” he said sadly, breathing heavily onto me. He looked up at me and I sensed something deeply wrong with the way he was acting, it was so distant almost.

“Me too,” I brushed my hand along his face and moved his hair aside so I could see all of him, only to fall disappointed. “What is that?” Lightly, I ran my finger tips down the metal piece that covered his left eye, it ran from his brow down to nearly the corner of his jaw.

“It’s a scope so I can see how far away you are when I pull this plan into action today. Trust me, hm, you’ll be thankful.” He tapped it lightly, almost carelessly, “It doesn’t hurt either when I’m up in the air fighting, sure came in handy today, hm.” Then I decided I probably shouldn’t question further.

“So, what is this plan of yours?” I moved in closer to his shoulder where I rested my head. If this was going to be my last time seeing him, being close to him, I would invade his space as much as I could. He didn’t seem to mind as he secured a grip around my waist.

“You’ll see, just promise me one thing.” He looked over at me with all seriousness and I nodded in understanding. “Don’t look back, hm. Don’t stop running, and just don’t…get caught.” It was simple enough, sort of. I smiled and told him I wouldn’t get caught and finally buried my face deep within the crook of his neck.

“So this is it then? This will be the last time I ever get to touch you…” My eyes forced themselves tighter but a couple droplets managed to slip out. “I don’t want to go Deidara-kun, living without you…well I might as well just be dead. Please, please don’t make me go.” He clenched tighter and I felt the soft shaking of his body.

“I won’t let you die here, how could I live with myself, hm? Besides, I never said this would be the last time you’d see me.” But we both knew the truth. He wasn’t coming back to me, ever. His heart was kept captive by this organization now and all I happened to be was bait for his good behavior. “Everything will be alright.” Those damned words, these damned feelings. I couldn’t escape any of this and I couldn’t convince myself to leave as I knew I should. Even the way he said it, he knew he was lying to himself.

“Please, don’t make me.” I stifled a sob, choking back on my words as my nails dug into his shoulder. “Not without you!” But he wasn’t listening, his own eyes were glued ahead of him lost in some thought. His hand went slack and all I could do was cry on his shoulder, alone and losing my mind. “Isn’t this right where I belong, with you? That’s what you’ve always told me, always! I can’t go back to that village alone, I gave my life to leave with you and now you’re sending me back like it’s nothing! I can’t bear this any longer Deidara-kun, I can’t leave you. Please, if anything, just kill me.” Even though his eyes were out of focus he managed to shake his head. No, he wouldn’t kill me. He would let me die alone, cold and heartbroken without him. It was cruel in his own way. And I hit him, my fist bouncing off his shoulder as I stayed perched in his lap. The tears flowed freely down my face and I hit him again, he only closed his eyes and I hated that I couldn’t hurt him like he hurt me. “You bastard! You don’t see what you’re doing to me!” I hit him again, and again. “You can’t just leave me like this! I thought you said…” One more hit before his hand wrapped around my wrist, “you loved me.”

“It’s better this way, hm. I can’t love you Nezumi, I can’t keep you anymore.” He looked dead to me and my own heart stopped. So this was all for nothing? I was obvious his words were forced by the pained look on his face but that didn’t stop them from making their impact.

“You’re lying, you can’t mean that. Why can’t you love me?” I whispered, hand still clasped in his grip. Slowly he turned his head towards me, locking onto my sights with cold, loveless eyes. I forced myself to keep staring, keep waiting for an answer.

“Because I’m a liar, I’m exactly the type of person you always told me you hated. How could I love someone so naïve?” He pushed me off his lap and pathetically, I spilled to the floor. What had happened? This transition from one feeling to another, was he just saying this to make our departure easier? Fool, he was breaking my heart and he was too selfish to fix it.

“Please, kiss me.” I muttered into my hands, I wasn’t sobbing anymore but for some reason I was still crying, it couldn’t be stopped. All I wanted was one kiss, one shred of proof. One more reminder why I was still fighting for him. But he couldn’t even answer me. He stood tall, staring down at me with a frown on his face and his hands clenched tightly shut. “Just once.” I sensed the hesitation in his throat before he even spoke, but it didn’t stop the pain from shredding my heart to tiny pieces.

“No.” And he stepped out of the room like I was nothing more than a child, pouting.

“Just one…” My body hit the ground and I sobbed fast, heavy. “Just one kiss, please.” But he wasn’t there to see me beg. It was just me, alone.

----------------------------------------------

“Come Nezumi, it‘s getting late we must finish this.” I looked up from the ground and pathetically whimpered at the Uchiha.

“Where is he? Where is Deidara?” He shook his head and offered his hand, I must have looked so weak just sitting there, sobbing. Sitting there feeling sorry for myself. He must have been disgusted. I took his hand and pulled myself up, wiping my face with my hands. “Itachi-san, I can’t do this.”

“You have no choice in the matter.” His eyes kept straight ahead as he walked along side me and as quietly as he could, “I’m sorry.” Not that it mattered or anything. Deidara stood at the end of the hallway, his eyes averted as he waited for us. He couldn’t even come get me for my own scene, maybe he didn’t love me after all, I quickly shook the thought from my head. Each step reverberated off my body, the walls. I felt so hollow and slow as I made my way down the long corridor. I placed my hands behind my back and held my head low so I wouldn‘t have to see Deidara or anyone else. I wondered, how many people would watch this happen. “It will just be Deidara and I.” Itachi answered my unasked question and I nodded. I knew if I tried to talk my voice would just betray me and I would cry again. Frankly, I was sick of crying so much.

So I promised myself I would cry no more.

It seemed to take forever to reach Deidara but when we did we stopped and the two men stared at each other curiously. “Are you ready then?” Deidara asked Itachi, his eyes narrowed into two small slits, not liking being so close to the silent man. Itachi settled for a nod and we approached the doorway into the main area, to my dismay, people were waiting out there.

It was like my own personal going away party.

Hidan sat along the wall, without scythe and glaring at me with a small smirk on his face. For once, he didn’t say anything. But he didn’t need to, I felt threatened enough just by looking into those fuchsia orbs of his. To his left stood his partner, Kakuzu. He didn’t even bother looking at me, instead he flipped through a number of bills, kept up in his work to even realize what was happening. I forced myself to look away and scan the face of the next member. Those eyes, so lifeless. I halted in front of Sasori and as he raised a sharp eyebrow I bowed curtly. “Arigato Sasori-san. You helped me, even if you didn’t mean to.” I didn’t wait for him to answer instead I moved away before he could. I heard the unmistakable sound of laughter behind me and to my surprise, it didn’t sound so heartless. I kept my eyes away from the blue man, he wasn’t my favorite person and as he snickered I moved in closer to Itachi. The one person it seemed he tended to respect. Tobi sat in the corner, oddly quiet and when I looked over at him he gave a small wave. Before I could wonder his silence I was caught off guard by the sound of moving rock. Deidara slipped under first and Itachi waited for me to stumble through before he left. The rock closed behind us and I shivered in the frosted air. I didn’t realize how cold and wet the air was today. The sky was grey and darkening, a fast storm closing in and I realized I didn’t have a coat or anything. Well, even if Deidara didn’t plan on killing me maybe I would die first from the cold. “I can’t walk along the water like you can.” I reminded them as they each took a step onto the water’s edge. I honestly expected one of them to tell me I better learn to swim but instead Deidara walked over to me with his head low.

“Yeah, I knew that.” He bent down and slipped his arm under my knees, allowing my head to rest on his chest. Something I didn’t feel comfortable with but felt better doing so. His body was warm, it managed to shake the chills I had till color returned in my skin.

“Did you mean it?” My voice shook in the air and he managed to look down at me. He furrowed his brow and sighed, angry at my prying questions.

“Nezumi, you need to learn to hate me, forget about me, hm. You can’t leave here feeling like you’re abandoning me. What choice do I have?”

“Well, you’re doing it wrong.” That’s all I said and this time, I ended the conversation. So I was right, he had just been acting selfish and stupid. His lips brushed my forehead and momentarily I forgot my anger, he whispered something into my hair that I couldn’t understand but at least I could guess what it had been. And even a ‘sorry’ at this point would have to do. We stopped outside a tree line, bits of rain were already falling down and as soon as Deidara put me down I felt that chill wrap itself around my body again. I looked from Deidara to Itachi, wondering if Itachi was going to let me get away, after all he would have been defying direct orders if he did so.

“This is it Nezumi-kun.” Deidara’s blonde hair whipped in the wind and as fast as I could I secured my arms around him, forcing away the emotion. “Remember what I said, don’t stop.” He bent down lower to my ear and his gentle sweeping whispers filled my brain. “You won’t have to walk the whole way, hm. The bird I will send will only go part of the way until my chakra depletes entirely from it though. Be strong, hm. For me.”

“Of course I-I won’t, I swear on it.” I sniveled, trying my hardest to regain my strength.

“I’m sorry, I hope one day you can learn to forgive my actions, hm.” I looked into his startling blue eyes and shuddered, this was the last time I would ever get to see those eyes. It was a shame he looked so sad. He bent down once more to my neck, kissed the skin and then murmured a single word into my ear. “Run.” It took me a moment to understand but as soon as I did I dislodged myself from the blonde shinobi and turned on my heel. This sudden spurt of movement made my injured leg scream out in pain. I couldn’t run, I could hardly walk straight. But I did as I was told and set off as fast as I could into the tree line. I screamed out in pain but I made it farther and farther into the forest and it was killing me to not look back and see what his plan was. Because surely this organization wasn’t stupid enough to think I had ran away. The sharp rain stung my bare skin and I shuddered at the thought of dying out here alone. The upturned roots of the trees threatened to try my balance, and I prayed I wouldn’t fall. I couldn’t. Something was amiss, this all seemed too easy an escape. I turned my head to glance over my shoulder as I heard a familiar sound behind me, of course he told me not to look back. I couldn’t believe my own eyes.

He had lied to me, no wonder he wouldn’t tell me his plan.

Two clay birds sped in through the trees behind me, Deidara was out of my sights by now but what could he have been thinking? He was honestly going to kill me, I couldn’t escape those bombs. The first bird sped ahead of me but the second swayed in close to my left. I watched it as I pushed myself farther, using all I had to force my legs faster. Just a bit faster.

The next moment all I saw was the bursting red of flame.