He Won't Be Coming Home

Time from then on seemed to pass so slowly. Minutes turned to hours, hours turned to days. In all reality, I had known of Matt's death less than a week, but it seemed to drag on for eternity. All so quickly I had lost the will to live; Matt had been my everything since I was seventeen years old. I was just about thirty-one these days. Matt had been there for me for too long a time for it to be easy not having him in my life anymore. It just wasn't fair. How was I supposed to go on living my life now that such a huge part of it was missing?

I woke up to hear a scuffling in the hallway. Being that Sarah was the only other person living in my house, I automatically assumed it was her. Although, with how much time Brian and Kate had been spending at my house, it could have easily been either of them as well. Rubbing my tired, weary eyes, I slowly sat up. My door was closed, so I couldn't very well see what was going on, so I slowly got to my feet, crossing the room and opening the door.

The hallway was empty which I realized was a good thing when I remembered that I only had on one of Matt's shirts and my panties. I quickly went to my dresser and pulled on a pair of pajama pants before stepping out into the hallway to investigate the noise.

I saw Sarah coming up the stairs and she gave me a somber smile when she turned and saw me. She went into the guest room where she had been staying for a few moments, coming out with a suitcase in hand. I gave her a funny look before she descended the stairs again. I decided to follow her and when I entered the kitchen at the bottom of the stairs, I saw all of her things packed up.

"Are you going somewhere?" I asked quietly, crossing my arms as I leaned against the counter. Sarah looked up and gave me a little shrug.

"I just figured what with... Matt... and all... that maybe it was time I moved back home."

I let out a sigh, feeling hat my emotional state had pushed her to this decision. "Sarah, you don't have to leave... You really don't."

"Jay," she started with a little smile, "it's alright. I know how you're feeling, and I know that things are going to be really tough on you in the next few weeks. You have enough on your hands now without having to worry about me."

With that, she walked back up the stairs, disappearing from my sight until her return a few short moments later with Amy's bag.

"And besides... Sooner or later I'm gonna have to step foot back into that house. Those feelings aren't going to go away the longer I try to wait it out. I figure... Why not now? I mean, you even said that I've gotta move on. I can't dwell on the past forever," she said, her voice draining toward the end, and I saw her eyes glossing over. I knew that she really wanted this; she was really trying to take that step forward in her life that she had been trying to hide from for so long. But it was still going to be hard for her. We both had hard times ahead of us.

Sarah took a few steps forward, coming to a stop directly in front of me before she tugged my arms, pulling my hands into her own and giving them a light squeeze.

"I just want you to know that I really appreciate all that you've done for me these past long months. I don't think I'd have made it if it weren't for you, and I mean that," she said, and then pulled me into a tight hug. "I'm only a phone call away if you need anything... Okay?" she whispered, and I nodded my head as she pulled away.

"Do you need help carrying this stuff out to the car?" I asked quietly.

"Sure." With those final words, I grabbed two bags, one in each hand, while Sarah got Amy, and we headed for the door, getting everything packed in just a few trips altogether. I waved as she drove off, and one she turned the corner, I was completely alone. I turned and headed into the house, and the silence pierced my ears once the door was shut behind me. It was so quiet, it almost sounded like the house was dead.

I looked at the clock that appeared on the microwave and only just realize that it was quarter past eight in the morning, and I was still incredibly tired. It seemed that lately, I could easily sleep the day away. So I bounded the stairs slowly and got back to my room, closing the door behind me and slipping back under the covers. It didn't take long at all before my eyes fell shut and I drifted off away into the darkness of my mind.

I gazed at my reflection in the mirror after applying the last touches of my eyeliner. It was the day we would be holding a little personal service for Matt, and I had bags under my eyes. Though I slept every chance I got, it wasn't very fulfilling or satisfying. I also looked deathly pale, causing the black dress clinging to my body and the black eyeliner rimming my eyes to stand out even more. I looked rather sickly, and I knew that my friends, especially Kate and Brian, would comment on the weight I had lost in the past two weeks. I tried to force myself to eat, and sometimes I was successful. Other times, I either couldn't even get a fork into my mouth, or keep any food down once I had eaten.

Straightening out my dress long my stomach, I wondered just how the day was going to unfold. The only two certain things I knew were that I wouldn't have to see a coffin or even an urn, because it had been revealed in the letter that while his death had been confirmed, Matt's body had never been found. The other thing was that I was certain I would probably cry.

The service wasn't going to be anything magnificent; just myself, close friends, and family. Anyone would be open to say their piece, and that would basically be it.

When I walked in the door to Matt's parent's house, I was first greeted by his mother. As soon as I saw the tears in her eyes, I felt my own welling up. She instantly pulled me into her arms and held me close, saying nothing at all. No words needed to be said, because we both knew how much the other was suffering over the loss of Matt.

Kim was like a second mother to me and we had both been very close in our relationship, which showed when she kissed my cheek as she pulled away. As she looked down at me, considering she was about an inch or two taller than me, she tucked a strand of hair behind my ear before wiping my wet cheeks with her thumbs.

"Is everything alright at home?" she asked quietly. "How are my grandbabies?"

"I haven't told Alex yet. They're both staying with my mom for a little while until I have myself sorted out of all this," I whispered, and she nodded before giving me one last hug.

Shortly after that I found Kate, who was wrapped up in Brian, both with somber looks on their faces. Kate quickly pulled out of Brian's grip, pulling me into her and squeezing the life practically out of me.

"My Katie Potatie," I whispered to her, and she pulled away with a little smile on her lips, her eyes glistening with tears that had not yet been shed.

"You, missy, have been losing weight," she said in a motherly tone.

"No I haven't-" I said, but she cut me off.

"Yes, you have. You know how I can tell? Your boobs got smaller," she pointed out, and she, Brian, and I couldn't help but let out a little laugh at that statement. Leave it to Kate to lighten the mood. She then let me go so I could hug Brian. Being in his arms was almost as comforting as Matt's used to be, and I held onto him for awhile, not wanting to let go and feel that void in my life again.