To Hell With Your New Shit

I pulled my truck back onto the road and sped in the direction of the bowling alley, phone still pressed to my ear, wedged between my shoulder and the side of my head. Lindsay didn’t say anything, but she seemed to be content with the knowledge that I was still there, on the phone with her.

I began to slow down as I approached the bowling alley, searching the sides of the road for a bus stop. My chest shook with relief as soon as I spotted it, and Lindsay’s shadowy figure inside, and I veered violently to the curb and jumped out of my truck, leaving the door open and the engine running.

“Lindsay?” I called to her, making my way around the truck and to the tiny shelter. She was sitting on the small bench, arms wound tightly around her body, shivering uncontrollably. Her hair, her skin, and her clothes were soaked; her shoes were sitting on the bench next to her.

“Shit, Lindsay, come here,” I said, stepping closer and holding my arms out to help her stand up.

“I’m s-s-sorry,” she stammered, teeth chattering, as she wobbled to her feet, falling against my chest. Instinctively, I wrapped my arms around her shaking body, pulling her closer to my own.

“It’s okay,” I responded softly against the top of her rain-soaked hair. I rubbed my hands over her arms, which were left bare by her sleeveless sundress, trying to warm her up. “I couldn’t let you stay out here in the storm.”

“N-no,” she sputtered, pulling back and looking at me with wide eyes. I looked back at her, quizzically, barely noticing the sound of the pouring rain around us anymore. She blinked her eyes, which were now rimmed with smudged makeup, and sucked in a deep breath. “I’m s-sorry for lea – leaving.”

I felt my expression soften, and I couldn’t think of anything to say. Now it was my turn to blink rapidly as I struggled to find the words.

“Okay,” I breathed. Wait, no, that wasn’t what I wanted to say! I shook my head softly and closed my eyes, trying to think.

“’Okay?’” she repeated, wriggling her arms loose from my grasp. The chattering of her teeth wasn’t as pronounced anymore, and even I felt suddenly hot under the glare of her eyes.

“That’s not what I… I didn’t want to… I mean…” I stammered, failing miserably with my words. Never before in my life had I been this nervous, this afraid, of anything.

“I’m trying here, John,” she said, her voice wavering against the uproar of the storm. “I’m trying, and all you can say is ‘okay’?”

“I’m trying to try!” I blurted out over a sudden crack of thunder above us. She jumped practically half a foot in the air and let out a scream. “It’s just… I can’t… I’m so fucking confused,” I finally spit out, before closing my eyes and taking a series of deep breaths. “Why are you so mad at me? You don’t deserve to be mad; you hurt me!”

Lindsay winced at my accusation but squared her shoulders and looked me straight in the eye.
“You would have hurt me if I didn’t leave,” she defended and I looked at her wildly.

“I never would have hurt you, Lindsay,” I promised. “Never.”

“You’re so full of it, John!” she exclaimed, raising her voice at me. I raised my eyebrows at her in return and scoffed, but couldn’t get a word in before she continued. “I knew you. I was your best friend. I saw how you treated other girls, and if I didn’t see it, I sure as hell heard about it.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” I raged, annoyed and confused beyond all points of acceptance. “What girls?”

“You practically dumped every girl you dated after a month,” she accused. “You broke their hearts!”

“You have got to be kidding me,” I growled. “I broke their hearts?”

“Yes!” she yelled. “I encountered at least two girls crying over you in the bathroom at school, saying how much they hated you for leading them on and – “

“Leading them on?” I repeated angrily, disgust rising in my voice. “I didn’t lead anyone on! Those girls dated me to get in my pants and as soon as they found out that I wouldn’t sleep with them, they left and turned it all around to make it look like I dumped them! Dammit, Lindsay, I can’t believe you think I would do something like that. You just said it yourself that you were my best friend, and you should have known me better than that.”

A guilty expression spread across her face, but not for too long before she could accuse me of another wrongdoing.

“What about tour?” she inquired, crossing her arms over her chest and sniffing.

“What about tour?” I asked.

“You, going on tour,” she explained, “meeting new girls and forgetting about me.”

I let out a groan and ran my hands through my damp hair.

“Nothing,” I began, my voice clipped and serious, “and no one could ever make me forget about you, Lindsay.” She stared at me as if she still didn’t believe me, so I continued. “Not even the 2,000 damn miles and three years that you put between us.”

“I was scared,” she stated quietly, bowing her head and staring at her bare, dirty feet on the sidewalk below us. “I was scared and stupid and I didn’t want to stick around just to find out that you regretted it.”

“Jesus, Lindsay,” I sighed, moving to slump onto the bus stop bench only so I could drop my head in my hands and attempt to process everything that was happening. Neither of us spoke for what felt like years until I heard her voice, barely audible over the claps of thunder and pelting rain around us.

“Did you?”

I shot my head up and looked at her as she peered back at me from behind her wet, messy hair.

“Did I what?” I asked, my voice growing soft as I watched her nervously twist the ring around her right ring finger. Around us, the storm seemed to quiet. The rolls of thunder sounded farther away, the wind didn’t whip quite as harshly, and the rain quieted to soft pitter-patters on the shelter around us.

“Did you regret it?” she asked, choking back an obvious sob. My heart lurched as I jumped to my feet and placed my hands gently on her shoulders in one quick movement. She continued to stare at the ground between our feet, avoiding my gaze as best she could. I stood silently for a moment, thinking.

I hated her. I had hated her for so long after she left. At first it was a severe case a depression. Then it was denial – the unfulfilled hope she would have come back. And then when she didn’t, it was pure hatred. Except those feelings never won against how much I constantly loved her. I had known it wasn’t good for me. I knew that I was only being pathetic by loving the girl who had crushed my heart. But no matter what I did, I couldn’t stop loving her, because I was always fighting for a chance to take her back. And here was my chance, slapping me in the face and telling me to let go of everything and just keep on loving her.

“No,” I whispered against her forehead. She stepped back and slowly looked up at me.

“You – you didn’t?” she asked, hope piercing through her eyes.

“No,” I confirmed. “Never. Not for a moment. I just… I just wish you hadn’t waited three years to let me tell you that.”

She looked back down again, still anxiously twisting the ring around her finger.

“You could have come after me,” she spoke softly. I sighed, closing my eyes gently.

“Is that what you wanted?” I asked, still refusing to open my eyes. In front of me, Lindsay let out a small, sad laugh.

“Isn’t that what every girl wants?”

I smiled softly to myself and opened my eyes then, watching as my moved my hands to hold hers. A shock of warmth flowed through my body and I felt Lindsay lean into me.

“I made a mistake, John,” she began quietly before looking up at me. “I made a big mistake, and I don’t deserve a second chance.” I began to shake my head, but she pressed on. “I shouldn’t have been scared, because I trusted you – I still trust you – and I’ve always cared about you and I’ll never stop. I just… I just want you to be happy, John, whether that means you’re with me or not – “

“Lindsay?” I interrupted, a small smile tugging at the corners of my lips for the first time that night.

“Yeah?” she asked, seeming so unbearably unsure of herself.

“I don’t know how much Garrett and Kennedy told you about the last few years, but it is damn near impossible for me to be happy without you.”