I Think We're Falling Apart

When I woke up the next morning I was in Brian's bed, and his head was resting on my chest. It struck me as odd until I remembered. And my heart filled with dread. How could I have done that to Matt? After all he'd done for me, that was how I repaid him? There was no way Matt could find out about what had happened. He may have been one of the most understanding people I knew, but there was no way he could understand this.

And again I began to compare Brian and Matt in my head, and neither came out on top if I had to choose. Both were equal. Whatever one was lacking in, the other made up for.

I felt Brian move his head, and he nuzzled into my neck a d little more. I absentmindedly stuck my hand out and started to run my fingers through his hair. That moment was just like old times. Except now there was another man. And it wasn't a situation I wanted to be in. I didn't want to choose.

I felt Brian take a deep breath and then sigh. "Are you awake?" I asked.

"Yeah."

"Oh."

Awkward silence.

"Look, Vik, I've been thinking," Brian said, and then raised up from me so he was looking directly at me.

"About what?"

"About... us," he replied. "I... I've fixed my problem. I don't need alcohol anymore. I don't need cigarettes anymore. I... I just need you," he said, and sighed again.

"Brian, I think you need help. After that happened yesterday... just-"

"Yeah but... now you're here, and I'm fine, and as long as you stay here with me I'll be alright. And... and we can start another family," Brian said, tracing his fingers along my skin under the sheet.

I didn't say anything for awhile. I didn't know what to say. What about Matt? What if he needed me? What if he... loved me? I'd have been leading him along he entire time. I didn't know if I could do that to him. I was playing internal tug-o-war with myself. If only I could have been two people... things would have been a lot easier. If a lot of things had changed, life would have been a lot easier.

"So... what do you say?" Brian asked, looking into my eyes.

"....I don't know," I said softly, shrugging my shoulders as I laid there. His expression changed to one of realization that maybe my heart really did belong somewhere else. "I mean... it's a lot for me to have to decide in just a minute, you know?" I asked, looking from Brian to the ceiling. "Just... give me a day or two to think about this, alright?" I asked quietly. Brian nodded.

And it wouldn't take much longer than 'a day or two' for things to fall into place. Whatever place that ended up being. I went home that same day -- home to Matt's house -- the place I'd been living in for only a little more than a month. A month... and the place managed to become 'home' to me.

And all I did was think. About Brian. About Matt. About everything. I laid on the bed and thought for long periods of time during the day, and during the night I wouldn't sleep.

I went up to bed early the next day, and later that night Matt came up. He got into bed next to me and crawled over me, kissing and sucking at my neck. I took a breath in and closed my eyes. His lips moved over mine and he kissed me. I started to kiss him back, and then felt his hands pulling at the top I was wearing.

When I opened my eyes to take my shirt off, I looked at Matt. And I saw Brian. And I was reduced to silent tears. Ones Matt couldn't see. So he didn't bother to stop.

He positioned his body more directly on top of me and kissed down my neck, but I couldn't get Brian's face out of my mine. No matter what I did, Brian was all I saw.

"Matt, stop," I sobbed out, trying to push him off me. He sat up and off to my side, and I covered my face with my hands and sat up, crying.

"Hey... Vikki, what's wrong?" he asked. I knew from the tone in his voice that if I looked up, he'd be worried.

"I can't do this. I'm sorry," I cried.

"Can't do what?"

"This. I feel as if I'm leading you on. And I can't do that to you and I can't lie to you," I sobbed.

"...What's the problem?" Matt asked, trying to get closer.

"Brian wants to start over... To go back to the way things always used to be," I whispered, and I pulled my hands from my face, instantly wishing I'd kept them there. The look on Matt's face was too much to bear.

"...And what did you tell him?"

"...I -- I told him I'd have to think about it. But that's the problem. When I think about it, I see you, and then I see Brian. And then I have to choose. And I don't want to lose you. I don't wanna lose you Matt," I cried harder.

"You won't lose me. What makes you think you'll lose me? I'm right here," Matt said softly, trying to soothe me down.

"It's just.... I can't choose. The part of me that still loves Brian wants me to let us have another go. But then the other half of me wants to stay here. With you. Because I... I think I.... Oh fuck Matt, I think I love you," I finally spluttered out. The realization washed over me for the first time.

Matt stayed silent for a little while. I didn't know if I was hoping or at least expecting him to say it back, but I knew that if he did, it'd make my decision that much harder to make.

I saw Mat nod his head out of the corner of my eye. "Go to him. I... I understand. Go to Brian. I mean, in all reality, he's still your husband. And I'm not. It's okay... you can go back to him, and I wont' think any less of you," Matt said, breaking the silence.

I looked up at him. "You... I... I don't know if I can. I love you both. I don't want to lose you Matt."

He tried to smile. "You won't lose me," he repeated. "I promise," he finished, and pulled me into a hug. When he let go, I adjusted my shirt and changed into a pair of jeans.

I grabbed mine and Adie's bags out of the closet and went through Matt's room, taking my clothes I'd started to mix in his drawers. I packed up all of mine and Adie's things from the spare bedroom after that. And all the while, I felt an ominous feeling in the pit of my stomach. Almost like a dull, aching nausea. When I finished packing, I returned to Matt's room, where he was still sitting on the bed.

"So I uh... I guess this is goodbye," I said quietly, wiping my cheeks of their wetness.

"No, it's not goodbye. More like a.... 'see you later'. Goodbye is too final," Matt shrugged. I laughed a little, and a smile came to his face. I dropped my bags and walked quickly over to him, wrapping my arms around his neck and hugging him. I felt Matt lightly rest his hands on my waist. When I pulled back, I caught him off-guard with one last kiss. And I made it count.

I pulled away again. "See ya around," I said. Matt grinned a little and nodded, and I walked back to the door, picking up my bags. I took one last look at Matt before I turned and walked away.

And right as I took that first step, I hear Matt utter those four little words, so full of meaning.

"I love you, too."

I drove my car over to Brian's... I guess our house again. And it felt good to be back in a way. I didn't bother to knock on the front door and just carried my stuff inside.

When he heard the door open, Brian looked over. he smiled. "Yeah?" he asked, and I nodded, almost shyly. I still couldn't tell if I had made the right decision.
Brian stood and walked over to me and engulfed me in a hug. "I love you," he whispered to me. A tear fell from my eyes. The words seemed so different than when Matt said them.

"Love you too," I replied.

Did I make the right choice after all? Was this the place I really belonged?