Running on Adrenaline

I jumped at the sudden appearance “What, have you been watching me?” I snapped.

“Come on” he tugged at me, he gathered my books and stuffed them into my back pack, he then practically carried me out of the library and down to the basement.

“Eat” he ordered, shoving a large bag of chips in my face. The room was turned upside down and paper was flying everywhere, I saw Hannah and Jeremy alternate between history notes and sheets of music.

“Sorry I’m late” I took a small chip and found my stomach still wasn’t ready for food.

“I had to carry her out” Tom reported.

“Dude, quit the studying, its lame” Jeremy joked.

“Failing is lame” I retorted. And the night turned into a usual session of singing, yelling, and occasionally fighting on the subject of songs.

I lay in bed that night reading and reading the notes I had prepared and before I could register my eyes shut and I fell asleep.

“Ame, ame ame ame” I voice probed at my ears loudly until I budged. My notes crumpled between my hands and I pushed them aside to get up.

“Oh my god, shut your shit” I groaned at Oli.

“Did you get proper sleep?”

I shrugged “Fell asleep while I was studying”

“Ame” Oli stopped me and steadied me “You are stressed, you need to stop stressing” he said slowly.

I shook out of his hold “My parents sent me here for a reason” I told him.

My stomach gained its appetite and I walked down the hall flicking through a book, with a muesli bar hanging out of my mouth and Oli by my side.

And the thoughts and issues I pushed to the back of my mind worked their way to the front when I saw Brian. He stood there watching Oli and i. when I glanced up he looked away to hide the fact he was looking my way. Oli saw the hurt in my eyes and the angst in Brian’s, he then parted ways with me, wishing me a quick good luck.

I walked right past Brian, and somehow successfully pushed any thoughts of him away again, and quickly dry swallowed a few no-doze, before walking through the door of my examination room.

Unfortunately the week became a useless rut and every day I approached came and left the same way the last day did. The halls were just a blur of motion and people, of tension, as everyone sat the exams that would determine their future. But I guess the thing that stressed me out the most was the fact that I didn’t know what to work towards, so I just kept working and writing and reading and studying. Which took a whole lot out of me.

Every day I would get practically carried out of the library to the basement, and today was no different.

I sat in my usual desk, studying the last exam I would sit for. Maths was easy to me, so I sat and practised until I had 3 notebooks filled with nonsensical formulas. My head fell heavy and I took the packet of pills out of my pocket, popping the no-doze into my mouth, and feeling awakened. I stood to stretch, and saw Tom approaching, ready to drag me out, standard procedure. I half smiled showing him I had gotten up on my own, and was ready to go. Unfortunately it wasn’t a convincing act, due to the fact my knees buckled and my head collided with the corner of a desk on the way to the ground. I felt feet pass me by, and heads hover over me. I didn’t want to see any of the judgement, so I just closed my eyes and happily fell unconscious.

I woke in the basement, ice pack to the head, my head in Olis lap as he laughed at something Jeremy said across the room. I sat up and blinked a couple of times, before the whole room just stopped at looked at me.

Hannah instantly approached me “Are you right?” she asked hesitantly.

I shook my head “I don’t know what happened”

“I do” Tom offered “You’re extremely stressed out, and don’t know how to give yourself a break” I waited for the laugh, but everyone was serious, and I was sick of feeling weak.
“I’m fine” I stood and wobbled a bit “I promise” that concluded that and I forced them to change the subject.

“Tomorrow night is it guys” Jeremy announced “It’s us, Bloodshed and Olis bunch”

“We do have a band name” Oli reminded us, while studying in the corner.

“We nail this, we’re going to Leeds” Jeremy smiled.

“They’re only picking one ey?” I informed.

They all nodded simultaneously and picked up their instruments. I popped a no-doze, while they were too preoccupied tuning and plugging in, it woke me and aided me in puling through the last hours of the day.

My head was coloured with a purple and blue tint, I examined myself in the reflection of a window, on the way up from the basement. Oli spotted me and smirked.

“Last time you had a bruise that size on your face, it was my fault” he smirked.

I rolled my eyes and smiled “This is the least of my concerns” I shrugged.

The night proceeded with a reckless amount of tossing and turning, with the thoughts of the competition on my mind, as well as my last exam of my final exams, I didn’t have much time for a relaxing thought to cross my mind.

The morning came quickly, and I woke way too early, but my body refused to rest. I needed to get this out of my system and finally allow my body the rest I deserved.

The mirror revealed all as I stood in front of it. My thin frame was out of control, I could see the parts of me which use to contain more flesh. I guess I felt scared at my appearance, my face was withered and I looked pale. But I had no time to worry about it, so I shook it off and pulled my jumper over my uniform. Oli came barging in like he did every morning.

“I’m early today, I know” he said “But I need your help” it amazed me at how calm he was, I just shook my head, explained it to him and he breathed a sigh of relief.

As we walked down the hall, my head felt heavy, and I reached for the familiar packet of pills. My hands searched for more, but I looked down to see the full packet was gone.

“Oli” I was frazzled “I need them, I need the no-doze”

“What?” he stood shocked at my state.

“I need them” I panicked “I can’t do this, what the hell am I doing pretending I can” my breathing increased rapidly.

“Woah Ame” Oli shook me “Ame”

I shook my head and he desperately called Hannah over.

She took a packet of no-doze out of her pocket and slipped me one; I took it and instantly calmed my body.

They both stood shocked in the performance I just gave, I saw words formulate in their heads and just as they were going to speak I left, rushing to my exam room. Avoidance was bliss.

The exam brought a wave of actual relief over my body, and directly after it, as I walked the halls, people talked excitedly and speak of a party crossed my ears. I honestly couldn’t think of anything better than oblivion. So until the time of the party I hid in my room, sleeping and avoiding the talk I wasn’t prepared to experience between Hannah, Jeremy, Tom, Oli and I.
My tired eyes looked bright, and my pale skin was rosy when I woke. The mirror reflected a more forgiving image than before the exam this morning and I was happy to look healthy. I lay back down in bed, seeing I still have 2 hours before the party started, and my body refused to sleep. So I decided I hadn’t talked to my mum or Erin in quite a while. I shrugged on a hoodie and put the hood up to avoid someone spotting me and wanting to talk. My walk was brisk and when I finally got to the large office I smiled and asked if I could call my mother. She was happy to place me with a phone in a private room.

The phone rang a couple of times before the voice mail played; I decided to leave a message.

“Hey mum, hey dad, just calling to say hi-“

“Amelia” my mum picked up the phone.

“Hi mum” I was genuinely happy to hear her voice and she was to hear mine.

“You do realise it’s the middle of the night here right?” she laughed, and yawned.

“Crap, I completely forgot, I just missed you that’s all”

She then proceeded to quiz me about my final exams and when I was graduating, in other words when I was finally coming home. She exclaimed at how sad she was that she could make it over, but I forgave her. I honestly didn’t care, I was just glad I was going home in less than a few weeks.

I walked out of the office relieved to have heard my mother’s voice and headed straight up to my room to get ready for the party. The unfortunate thought came when I realised I had to talk to Hannah and Oli eventually, because I needed a ride there. I really didn’t want to confront them after the display I put on, but I had no choice. As I got ready, applying my makeup, I held my phone between my ear and my shoulder, ringing Erin. I waited and she finally picked up.
“I’m tired Ame” she complained.

“But I miss you, and we haven’t talked for ages dude” I applied my mascara.

She yawned heavily “I wanna talk, I just can’t right now, I can’t even keep my eyes open”

“Fine” I concluded the conversation “Talk to you later”

“Yep” she then hung up and I rolled my eyes.

I was fully dressed and ready to go, I walked out with a jacket hung over my arm and approached Hannah’s room. Hannah was standing with Jeremy, Oli and Tom, speaking seriously and as I approached they all fell quiet.

“Not obvious at all guys” I half smiled.

“C’mon” Hannah took me by the arm “Let’s talk” we lead the way, about 10 meters infront of the guys and Hannah spoke comfortingly.

“How’s it doing?” she approached it casually.

“Fine”

“So, anything you wanna talk about? Like that little performance you gave-“she hinted.
“Not really” I interrupted “Listen, I’m fine, it was just exams, it’s over and I want to go to a party”

“I don’t think that’s such a hot idea” she hinted again.

“I know the competition is tonight” I made sure she knew of my awareness “I’ll be a sober girl and we’re gonna win, okay?”

“Cute, but no” Oli teased, walking up to his car.

Hannah then replied back, and a small fight broke between the two, nothing serious, just a usual attack at the surface flaws of each other’s band.

As a contrast to the usual behaviour I would permit to at a party, I instead sat in a corner and drank quietly, not wanting to overdo anything.

“You look pathetic when you’re lonely” James mentioned.

“I can feel the confidence boost, thanks” I said sarcastically.

James then offered me his hand; I stupidly took it and followed him into another regretful night. It was like my veins couldn’t pump blood without the chemicals.

In the middle of a crowd of people I was connected at the mouth with James, he bit my lip playfully and I grabbed at his shirt. We were hip to hip moving messily in the crowd. I then felt his face abruptly separate from mine.

“Oli what the fuck!?” I yelled over the crowd as he carried me over his shoulder. I managed to hit him enough for him to let me go, I fell to the ground and Heidi tripped over my body, falling on top of me.

Heidi let out a frustrated yell and stood up; she leaned over me and spat words of hate.
“You always bring your shit everywhere, you slurry” I just sat on the ground, with nothing to say.

“Heidi, really?” Oli belittled her “leave her alone for one fucking second will you?” Heidi shoved Oli and left.

While I wasn’t being watched, I slowly crept away and reunited with James. Once again I was literally picked up, and thrown over someone’s shoulder.

“Stop moving Ame” Oli ordered, holding my legs down.

I screamed and kicked, while everyone watched me embarrass myself. Oli threw me in his backseat and spoke quickly to someone on the phone, saying he had me and he was going as fast as he could.

It was silent for a while “You really did it this time Ame” Oli mumbled.

“I really did what?” I retorted “I had a good time, oh punish me” I sarcastically spoke.

“Stop being stubborn” he ordered.

“Fuck off Oli”

“We’re here” he reported “You better prepare for some punishment” he was fully serious. He helped me out of the car, and on the drugs James gave me, I felt tired, everyone turned into a blur of motion. My feet struggled to gain a proper walking pattern and Oli dragged me to Hannah, Jeremy and Tom. They were ready to pounce.

“You fucking promised Lia” Hannah sternly mentioned, while wiping my face of the dry tears and the smudged makeup. She aggressively reapplied my makeup, as Jeremy gave her a spare singlet. I looked down and at some point I puked, causing my shirt to be covered in vomit.

I head dropped every now and again, and Hannah would lift it to avoid my unconsciousness.
“She still has too much in her system” Jeremy mumbled.

“I’ll sort it” Oli grabbed me and took me to the bathrooms, forcing me into a stall and standing there, making sure I got them out of my system.

I sat on the floor next to the sticker covered toilet picking at the stickers.

“Do you wanna talk about something?” he offered.

“I feel sick” I tried to change the subject.

“Do you wanna talk about something?” he offered again.

I then emptied my stomachs contents into the toilet, Oli’s question made the anxiety rise within me.

“So, wanna talk?”

“I keep telling you guys I’m fucking fine” I wiped my mouth with some toilet paper.

“Yeah you look great, whatcha wanna talk about?” he insisted.

“FUCK” I yelled “Fuck, okay?”

“Go on” he insisted.

“Okay, what do you want me to say, I’m fucked over? My boyfriend dumped me in front of half out grade? I want to go home desperately and I can’t go one night without some sort of drug in me?” I yelled “is that what you want me to talk about?” the tears then rolled down my cheeks, the tears caused hysteria in me, I heaved again throwing up everything, I was sure the drugs left me, but the burning depression still rose in me.

“Yes” Oli said, as I crashed into his chest, crying uncontrollably “That’s what I needed you to talk about” he mumbled.