Listen to My Heart

"Brianna, will you at least try to be social?" My mom called from outside of my childhood bedroom. I rolled my eyes, lifting them from my copy of Wuthering Heights and to the door.

"I'd rather stay in here." I called back to her, throwing another eye roll when I heard her drop a sigh.

"I don't know what happened between you and Tony, but you two need to figure it out." She called before I listened to the sound of her retreating footsteps. I shook my head, dipping my eyes and trying to force my orbs to move across the words. I wasn't surprised when my mind shifted back to two days ago, watching Tony's face as the I love you tumbled from my mouth. It didn't matter if I closed my eyes to the images; they still danced along the edges of my eyelids and slid into my heart, sending a spark of pain.

I thought living with Tony and loving him from afar was bad, but living without him, even for two days, has been hell on earth. I missed him so much, but at the same time, I never wanted to see him again. I was stuck in a whirlwind turmoil that was taking me on a roller coaster of emotions, and each time I tried to get off, something would shove me back in and I was off again. I had done so much crying over the past few days, especially when Tony never called. He didn't text, call, or come to see me, and with each passing second, I hated myself more and more for spitting out the I love you. I wanted to fly back in time and shove the words down my throat.

I sighed deeply as I reached for my phone when it started to ring, hating the tears that burned when I saw it was Kara and not Tony.

"Hello?" I asked, clearing my throat to cover the slight crack in my voice.

"Are you home?" She asked after a slight sigh- in relief or irritation, I wasn't sure.

"Yeah, I just felt like it would be a good place to recover," I muttered.

"Right." She snipped out. I squeezed my eyes shut, hating the anxiety that pulled at my chest, making it feel tight. I didn't want her to be mad at me, not that I knew why she would be, but I wanted her to just be with me on this. She didn't have to fill my head with lies to make me feel better; she just needed to be there. "Why didn't you stop?" She asked me after a minute of silence.

"Because I just wanted to leave."

"Brianna, I wasn't trying to make you stay. I was trying to stop you so Tony could reach you." She paused to listen to my response as I thought back to that night. I remembered Kara and Joey by the stairs, Kara's hand on my wrist, and the burning desire to just get out of the house. But as I thought, I began to remember Joey, and how as Kara was holding me, Joey was flashing his eyes from over my shoulder to my face, and then back again. "He was coming after you."

"Then why didn't he follow me out of the house?" I insisted.

"Because when you walked out the door, he thought you were running because you were embarrassed by what happened. Tony thought you regretted it. He didn't understand that you were running because he couldn't push the I love you out. He was so upset when you left. Honest to God, I thought he was going to cry."

"He was not." I murmured with more of a questioning tone.

"Scouts honor." She swore, making me bite my lip. "And I'm also calling because I just got to the hockey house, and when I walked in, Tony was running out to his car. He almost ran me over." She chuckled, "but Joey told me that him and Tony had been talking all morning and that Tony was on his way to Plymouth."

"He's coming here?" I squeaked, "when did that happen? When did he leave?"

"Let's just say, he should be there by now." Kara insisted. I paused from responding, sucking in a breath when I heard footsteps on the stairs.

"Shit." I mumbled, "I gotta go." I quickly hit end, throwing my phone onto the nightstand. I flipped my book open, trying to ignore the pounding of my heart. My ears were listening hard, anticipating the knock. What I didn't expect was for Tony to just push the door open. If our meeting would have been on a lighter circumstance, I might have rolled my eyes. I didn't look up at first, but when I did, I couldn't look away from his electric green eyes.

He stood in the doorway of my childhood bedroom, hovering like a teacher over his students. But he didn't move. We both stared at each other, green eyes seared in an intense connection. My whole body ached for him, even my broken, splintered, and shattered heart. I wanted him to speak, to come across the room and wrap me into his arms no matter what way it was. I didn't care if I went back to sitting on the sidelines and being his best friend- I just wanted him back in my life. I was sick of living without him because having him in such a simple way was so much better than living without him, that I was willing to take the pain and the continuous punches to my heart. If that wasn't love, I wasn't sure what was.

All was silent, including the creaking of the floorboards downstairs which made me wonder if my mom was still in the house. I wanted to speak, to break the loud and painful quiet, but my mouth wasn't able to form words. Yet, my brain was moving in a harsh fast forward. Images of Tony and all of his women paraded through my mind. The look on his face after I had grabbed his neck and smashed our lips together- the shock, but most of all, the lack of passionate love that should have radiated out of his body. I had been a fool, and my cheeks dusted a dark red just thinking about it.

I wondered why he was still standing in the doorway, silent as his eyes just stared into mine. They didn't wander to the surroundings of my bedroom or to a different part of my body; they stayed locked with my eyes, making me squirm uncomfortably. I dropped my gaze from him for a moment, fingering a page in my book. My tongue passed over my lips as I looked back up at Tony through the lenses of my glasses. He hadn't stopped looking at me and I didn't have to keep watching him to know that his eyes weren't going to waver from me.

As I thought of why he wasn't coming further into the room, I realized that he was giving me my space. The distance wasn't for himself, he was waiting for me to tell him it was okay to enter. I pursed my lips slightly, wondering if it was okay for him to step inside. He had been in here so many times before this, but back then, he didn't know of the secret love I held so deeply for him. He hadn't heard the three word whisper fall from my lips until after I pressed my lips to his. He was naive and ignorant, and maybe despite what everyone says, that is better than knowing the truth.

"Tony." I finally greeted, hating the way my voice shook and wavered while he stayed completely complacent and still. His eyes remained the same along with the lines around his mouth. No muscles on his face flexed or moved- he was like a perfect, piece of statue art, and I was willing to pay the big bucks for him. If only it was that simple.

The first sign of his acknowledgment was him sucking in a deep breath. And then his facial expression changed. His green eyes clouded over and his face suddenly became dark. Hard lines appeared on his forehead and along his mouth, while his jaw became clenched and rigid. He stepped away from the door, his lips pursed in a way he usually reserved for people he disliked. My stomach sank to the ground and I felt like I was dying all over again as he shut the door until it bounced against the door jam. He shrugged off his black, North Face jacket, throwing it on the back of the white, wood chair at my desk. He dragged the chair until it sat right next to my bed before he plopped down into it, legs spread wide apart.

The fierce look in his green eyes made me feel like I did something wrong, like I was the one who deserved to be looked at in such a mean way. But I didn't. If anyone here should have narrowed eyes, it was me. I was the one who suffered years of heartbreak, I was the one who was humiliated in the hockey house, and it was me who walked out with tears streaming down for the umpteenth time in our relatively short friendship. Six years wasn't a lifetime, but that was what I wanted Tony for. Forever.

"I don't even know where to begin." He pushed out through his gritted teeth. I closed my eyes, giving my head a slight shake before they popped back open again.

"You could start with I'm sorry." I told him, dog-earing the page I was on and throwing my book to the other side of my bed. Tony's green eyes squinted a little more as he shook his head.

"For what?" He asked as if he was genuinely confused.

"Are you kidding me?" I breathed out, my green eyes searching his.

"No." He told me blankly, blinking as he waited.

"You've been breaking my heart for six years." I whispered to him, biting down on my lip, eyebrows drawing together in a painful expression.

"Who's fault is that?" He asked me, his eyes narrowed curiously at me. I paused, not quite sure what he was insinuating.

"I don't really follow because I know you aren't trying to blame this on me." I hissed at him, sitting up very straight and rigid, much like he had turned when I had called out to him.

"No, but I'm just wondering how you expected me to know. How the hell did you expect me to not break your heart when I thought that the girl I loved couldn't possibly love me like that?" He forced out through his teeth. "Those other girls were replacements." He told me blankly with little attachment to his voice. My brain was still buzzing from his confession. The girl I loved. He loved me? It wasn't exactly the way I had envisioned him saying it, but I would take it, grab onto it, and hold it close to my heart just in case I never got to hear it again.

"How couldn't you know?" I breathed out, my mouth open as I pushed my vocal cords to speak past the large, fat lump in the middle of my throat. "It was right there in front of you. Everything you needed."

"You're a great little actress, Brianna." He murmured. His voice and face had lost the edge and it looked as if he was losing the anger and the fight he had brought with him into the room. "You knew I had no clue. That was why you told me on New Years. That's why you wanted Leah gone. That's why you used Mike. And that's why you hung back in the shadows when I wanted nothing more than to hold you like I'd been holding every other girl. Don't kid yourself- it was you I wanted." His words seemed like they were coming out of the several day dreams I used to have. It was like a perfect script had been created and he spoke the words that made my pulse ache in my chest.

"I was scared you wouldn't want what I had to offer." I finally choked out.

For the first time since he pushed my bedroom door open, I was ashamed to look at him. I always thought that if Tony ever found out I loved him, it was because he got down on his knees begging me to be with him, to marry him, and to have a handful of beautiful Italian babies with him. I never thought I would blurt it out unceremoniously. And I surely never thought I would admit to him how goddamn scared I was of his rejection. I could take a rejection from Princeton and Yale, but not from Tony- that would cut me to the core.

I could tell Tony didn't know what to say. He was treading lightly in these uncharted waters. He knew the topic was sensitive and that I was as well. He didn't want to break my heart anymore, and by the determined look in his eyes, I could tell he wanted to heal the wounds and scars he unintentionally left behind. I didn't realize I was crying until I felt Tony wipe away the lone tear that trickled down from my eyes. He swiped his palm and thumb carefully beneath my eye, dabbing up all the moisture. He leaned close, his forehead softly pressing against mine as I closed my eyes on principle.

"Brianna, honey, open your eyes." He whispered, his breath fanning against my face. I slowly slid my lids open, biting down on my lip. His right hand cupped my cheek while his left one laced with the fingers of my right hand. For the first time, his green eyes were a perfect mirror of mine. I felt the breath whoosh from my lungs as he began to talk quietly. "You don't need to cry anymore." He pressed his lips underneath my eyes, my lashes fluttering against his nose softly.

I wrapped my free hand around to the back of his neck, holding him there with his lips against my cheek. We were quiet, just letting the moment capture itself as we tried to sort out our feelings. My heart beat strongly in my chest, and my brain buzzed from the sensory overload. Tingles trailed up, down and out of my nerve endings while I tried to remind myself to breathe.

"I've always loved you. I'm sorry I didn't know it until how, but I do know that feelings this strong don't just happen; they develop over long periods of time. I've never felt something so strong as the love that pulls me to you." He pulled away to look at me, frowning slightly at the tears brimming. "Please don't cry."

"I can't help it." I croaked out. "This is all I've ever wanted. You're all I've ever wanted. I moved back from Boston to be closer to you. I told you Leah was wrong for you because she wasn't me, and I lied to myself and you about my feelings for you because I would rather have you as my best friend than nothing at all. I was so scared to lose you."

"You can stop lying now." He breathed out to me, green eyes on fire.

"I love you." I mused, biting my lip at the foreign feeling of saying that to his face in the way I meant it the most. Not as a sister-type or a best friend, but the I want to grow old with you, can't live without you, need you, kind of love.

"I love you too." He grinned at me. No words could describe the feelings that rushed through me. My stomach seemed to drop from my body and the relentless shivers trailed up and down my body. I couldn't help the wide, excited smile that shone on my face.

He rose from the chair, pushing me back and climbing on top of me. He shoved Wuthering Heights off the bed, grinning as he pinned my wrists to the mattress. I couldn't stop giggling as he stared down at me with the cutest expression I had ever seen. I couldn't get enough of this addictive high. Tony's knees were right next to my hips as he leaned over my face, his lips centimeters from mine.

My giggling stopped and I sucked in a breath as his lips pressed gently into mine. It started out slow, getting to know the feel of the electricity and the texture of his smooth lips. I wiggled at the restraint that his hands forced on my wrists, rolling them free. I set my hands gently against his thick thighs as his tongue danced along my bottom lip. He glided my lips apart with the wet muscle, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand alert while I moaned softly into his mouth. My hands slid up his thighs, making him jump as they traveled past his hips, up his stomach, and along his strong chest to rest against the back of his neck. When we pulled away for air, we both were breathing hard and had flushed cheeks.

"Damn." He wheezed out, dropping his forehead against the bed beside my head. "If I knew kissing could always be that incredible, I wouldn't have wasted my time with anyone else."

"Yeah." I pushed out with a deep breath, licking my lips. A moment of silence passed before I swallowed hard, turning his face towards me gently by his hair. "Where do we go from here?"

"I don't know, but I don't want to lose you if something happens to us." He sighed.

"But is that a reason to not let anything incredible happen?" I wondered, looking at the ceiling instead of his eyes.

"I don't want you to think you're a rebound." He insisted, his hand coming to cup my left hip.

"What if I told you I don't think that?" I asked, turning to him. "What if I said I don't want to wait."

"I'd tell you I don't want to wait either." He whispered before grabbing my neck and fusing our lips together again.

Things had finally fallen into their perfect places.