Listen to My Heart

"You need a boyfriend." Kara told me the next weekend. I had spent the whole week avoiding Tony as best I could, not answering the phone when he called, or the door when he randomly showed up a couple days ago.

"I'm aware of that, but my one candidate has a girlfriend already." I pointed out as the Gophers came onto the ice for the start of the second period against Michigan Tech. The game had gotten boring since the Gophers had a 3-0 lead and the Huskies showed no signs of trying for a comeback.

"No, I mean someone to get your mind off Tony. You need a boyfriend that can show you there are more guys out there besides Lucia." Kara insisted, nudging Jess who was next to her.

"I agree with Kara. It's time for you to get a hobby that doesn't involve Tony."

"I do have hobbies besides him." I hissed.

"Like what? School?" Jess snorted at me, making my mouth fall silent. She was right, Tony dominated my free time and this past week just showed me that I had no life outside of him.

"So what you're saying is that I should get a boyfriend to focus all my attention on?" I asked.

"Yep. Plus, it will drive Tony nuts." Kara giggled gleefully.

"No it won't."

"Excuse me? Have you seen how protective he gets when another guy even says hi to you? He can barely contain his irritation. Jordan told me that Mike Hoeffel was talking about what a hottie you were and Tony almost snapped his neck." Jess told me.

"That doesn't make sense."

"It does to everyone but you and Tony. Both of you love each other, and no not in the friends way that Tony was implying. He loves you, wants to marry you, and make babies with you." Kara giggled at my eye roll as Jess nodded in agreement.

"You two are full of shit." I scoffed, focusing my attention on the ice. I didn't want to listen to Kara insist that he loved me. All her words would do was get my hopes up for something that was obviously not going to happen. Didn't she get that I was trying to get over him? Even though every time I saw him, I fell even more in love.

"Brianna, find some optimism." Jess scolded me, her brown eyes narrowed at me, her words a demand.

"No, her pessimism is the perfect reason for her to get a boyfriend." Kara pointed out. "Why do you keep waiting around for something to happen with Tony when you know that he couldn't possibly love you?"

I glared at her exaggeration of my words, crossing my arms over my chest. I chomped down on my lip as my eyes focused on Tony skating down the boards with the puck. He wound his stick up, aiming to take a slap shot, and I knew the puck was going in even before it hit the back of the net. Mariucci arena along with Kara and Jess flew out of their seats while I stayed sitting, clapping lazily as I watched him celebrate. I glanced to my left two sections where Leah was bouncing up and down with the rest of the cheerleaders, but there was an undeniable wave of pride that flowed from her bright smile.

It made the pit of my stomach churn and tears burn the backs of my eyes, the regular emotions that happen when I see her, or think of Tony and her together, the perfect cliche. I sucked my cheeks in and took in a deep breath, holding it a few moments to keep the tears away. I was sick of crying and my eyes hurt from all the tears of the past week. Tony didn't know, but the pain he had given me these last couple months was worse than all the other years put together.

Once things settled down, I turned to Kara again. "Okay, but I don't have any options for a boyfriend." I sighed, slouching down in my seat and tugging on the sleeves of Tony's jersey.

"Take the Tony goggles off for a second and think really hard." Jess advised me, both her and Kara holding amused smiles on their faces. I paused, taking a moment but coming up blank. I shook my head as Kara and Jess laughed.

"Mike Hoeffel, dearest."

"No, no, no, no. Tony's teammates are off limits. He would kill me."

"Exactly!" Kara grinned at me. "He will hate it so much he will be forced to confront his feelings for you. And if not, maybe you will develop feelings for Hoef." She smiled smugly as if she had all the answers.

"But, he is blonde..." I wrinkled my nose. "And just... not my type."

"You think Tony is your only type, Bri. You wouldn't know your real type if it slapped you across the face." Jess insisted.

"I don't like men who hit." I teased, all of us chuckling for a few seconds.

"All I'm saying," Jess continued, "is that you might realize you like Mike if you give him a real chance. This is the perfect opportunity since Tony has a girlfriend and is basically shoving you out of the picture."

"I can't. Tony would be so mad, like pissed to the point of screaming. He is scary when he is that mad." I told them, thinking of the times I had seen Tony at that point.

"The best part about dating is that just like you didn't pick for Tony; he can't pick for you." Kara smirked at me, eyes batting me to give in.

I bit my lip nervously as I felt the powerful part of myself agree with what Jess and Kara were saying. The more they talked, the more I became convinced that it might work. But even though my brain could see the logic, my heart was still firmly gripped by Tony. How could I love or like someone enough to date them when another man had my heart? Could I pretend that I was over Tony to trick myself? I shook my head at that, knowing that lying to myself was the best way to lose a grip of reality.

My eyes fell down to the bench where, ironically, Tony and Mike were sitting right next to each other. I watched the two of them talk, sharing a laugh before Tony's eyes fluttered to where Leah was sitting on the steps of the arena. His look made up my mind that I had to do something to protect my shattered heart.

Sighing, I turned to the two girls and nodded my head. "Okay, I'll give Hoef a shot."

"Excellent!" Kara bubbled, "Let's start tonight!"
***

I sat on the couch beside Kara and Jess, my hair curled and a new top on thanks to our trip home after the Gopher win. I nervously fidgeted with the beads that were lined along the straps of my dressy tank top. Leah and Tony were across the room while Mike was standing near the couch with Joey, who had been briefed by Kara about the plan and thought it was a fantastic idea. My heart had sunk when I realized I had been hoping that Joey was against the whole thing. I was counting on him for my way out.

I ran the tip of my pointer finger around the rim of my red cup, licking my lips slowly. I was waiting for something to happen, for Mike to come over, for Joey to lead him over, or better yet, for Tony to stop looking at Leah like she was God's gift to earth. I couldn't stop watching them, just like always, I wanted to see the way he acted with her, to study him like I used to when he was working on a math problem, or writing a paper. I wanted to watch for clues that he wasn't really that fond of her, that he just thought he was, and he knew we belonged together. But the more I did it, the more I realized how delusional I sounded.

"Brianna." Kara hissed to me, slapping my thigh forcefully. I cringed and looked at her. "Mike asked you a question." She smiled over my shoulder as I slowly turned. Mike gave me a small smile.

"Sorry, repeat please?" I spoke, a sheepish smile on my face.

"I was wondering what has you looking so beautiful today." He repeated, a slight blush to his cheeks.

I blushed with him, looking down for a moment before back into his crystal blue eyes. He really was attractive with his pretty eyes, long lashes, and easy smile. He made me feel at ease even when my nerves were slightly frazzled.

"No occasion. I just felt like getting pretty." I shrugged as I made room for him to sit next to me as Jess got up to find Jordan.

"Mission accomplished." He murmured softly, making me smile and shake my head at him. His compliments were giving my ego a huge boost, something that had been down recently. I forgot how good it felt to have someone tell you that you do look pretty, beautiful even.

"Mike, you had such a good game today." Kara insisted, nudging my shoulder slightly to make me encourage the conversation. I turned to her and mouthed butt out before looking back to Mike.

"Yeah, you played great." I smiled at him, fluttering my eyelashes a bit and watching as the forward ducked his head slightly at the compliment.

"Sure, you'll tell him good game when he was barely a 0 for the game while I was a +1." Tony snorted as he sat down across from us on the table. Joey let out a loud groan and Kara sighed, elbowing Joey in the ribs.

"I haven't had a chance to talk to you today." I pointed out to Tony who's eyes darkened slightly.

"You haven't had a chance to talk to me all week." He snipped as I rolled my eyes, dismissing his attitude immediately.

"Where's your girlfriend, Ton?" Kara asked as Tony flicked his eyes to her for a moment before glancing behind him. He looked around our immediate area and into the kitchen, not seeing her.

"I swear she was right behind me." He mumbled, rotating so his body was twisted to look around some more. He sighed, standing up and moving past mine and Mike's feet which were propped up on the table he had just been sitting on.

"Yep. Better go find her." I hissed lowly as he walked away. I wasn't quiet sure if he heard me or not, but he did give a slight shake to his head as he disappeared into the crowd.

"Joey is going to go watch some of the guys play pong, and I'm going to follow." Kara told me as her and Joey stood up, leaving Mike and I alone on the couch in the living room. I watched them walk down the stairs, looking about and noticing that Tony was nowhere to be seen, along with Leah. I chomped down on my tongue when I felt the sting against the tender walls of my heart. The blood in my mouth hurt much worse than the heartbreak I was now accustom to. The reminder that Tony was with someone else helped me focus back on Mike.

"So how are you liking the U?" He asked me as I took a sip of my beer. I shrugged, swallowing before answering.

"It's good. Everything I expected it to be. But shouldn't I be asking you that freshman?" I giggled, poking his arm and watching as he chuckled, a deep masculine sound rumbling his chest.

"I guess so. I like it. I'm just glad to finally be close to home again after spending a year in Ann Arbor with the development program. But the guys are great and I love the college life." He nodded, looking over at me with those blue eyes that could make anyone get lost. We stared into each others eyes, something beginning to click, gears starting to turn, everything slowly falling out of place and then into place once again. The feeling was so weird, so new, that it made me break eye contact. "So what's the deal with you and Lucia?" Mike asked after a few moments of silence. I wrinkled my nose, wondering why he always came up when I was trying to forget about him.

"We've been best friends for awhile now." I shrugged, looking down at the gold liquid sloshing around in my cup.

"Oh, just friends?" He murmured, sitting up a little straighter.

"Yeah, and that is all we will ever be." A sour taste coated my mouth causing my nose to wrinkle. Mike's lips twisted into a slightly amused look, giving me a knowing glance. I sighed, rolling my eyes. "I'm sure you have noticed that I have an undeniable attraction to him. Everyone but him sees it and this whole thing is getting to the point where I can't take it anymore. Leah was the last straw." I ran my fingers over the top of my glass, pouting pathetically as Mike nodded.

"Tony is a fool." He stated, taking a pull from his bottle. I turned to look at him, waiting for an elaboration. "Leah is pretty, don't get me wrong, and she's a nice girl. But she isn't the total package, especially for a guy like Tony. She's an 8 on a scale of 1-10, but you're a 10. Leah is one of those girls that you like, but you don't love. She's the girl you would be fine marrying, but you don't love like you could love someone else. At least she is in Tony's case. I mean, I think she makes him happy, but I don't think she is his real deal." I contemplated Mike's words, wondering if maybe he had a point. But that didn't discount the fact that I had never seen Tony look at someone the way he looked at Leah.

"I don't know. I think it's too early for Tony to even consider marriage or anything like that. In my opinion, he is just trying out the whole girlfriend thing, seeing if he can do it. But I don't understand why he had to choose a fucking cheerleader. If his dad finds out, he is in deep shit." I sighed, running my hand through my hair and tugging on the ends. "But enough about him." I dismissed with a wave of my hand, turning and tucking my left leg underneath my butt. "Let's talk about you."

"I'm boring. I want to know about you." Mike insisted, his hand coming up and tucking a piece of my hair behind my ear. I gave him a warm smile, sighing softly and nodding.

"I guess we can start with me, but you are next." I pointed at him.

"Alright." He laughed before he started firing questions at me.

An hour later, Mike and I were both decently buzzed and laughing at the story he was telling about the time him and his teammates went streaking down his street which was located in a gated community filled with conservative people. One of his neighbors had ended up calling the cops and he had to stand there buck naked and explain to the cop why he was streaking.

"And of course I was the only one who was caught." He finished, downing the rest of his beer. I did the same, gulping the last inch of the liquid before wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. The party was beginning to dwindle as people either headed home or went to the bars until only those involved with the team were left. A majority of the guys were up and talking with each other, still drinking much like Mike and I were. But there was one Gopher hockey player who was doing nothing but sulking in the corner.

Tony was definitely not amused. Leah had gone home early because she wasn't feeling good and insisted that Tony stay and have a good time. His idea of a good time was to try and pull me away from Mike, but he found out quickly that Kara and I both had an answer for him: no. I felt powerful telling Tony to take a hike, but at the same time a feeling of guilt still clawed at my stomach as I glanced to where he was standing against the counter in the kitchen, nursing a water with a sour expression on his face. He had put his glasses on after Leah left and changed out of his dress shirt and into a sweatshirt.

"I'll be right back." I told Mike as I stood up, pausing for a moment to ward off the dizziness before I made my way over to Tony. He watched my approach from my boots up to my eyes, his green orbs intense and overbearing like they normally were. I gave him a small tilt of the mouth and hopped onto the counter, my legs swinging. "What's up crabby?" I asked him, doing my best interpretation of his scrunched up face. He gave me an annoyed look and rolled his eyes.

"You know what my problem is." He snapped, crossing his arms over his chest making his biceps bulge under the black fabric of his sweatshirt.

"No, actually I don't." I urged him to continued, squinting my eyes slightly.

"What the fuck is that?" He gestured to the couch Mike and I had been sitting on. "Why are you schmoozing all over Hoef?"

"Oh my god Tony, we were just talking." I rolled my eyes at him, shaking my head at how ridiculous he was being.

"It didn't look like just talking to me. You were flirting."

"I was not!" I exclaimed, turning to look at him as he whirled towards me, his mouth set in an angry line.

"Yes you were. You were flipping your hair and tilting your head back laughing like no one had ever told a joke before. Seriously, get your head out of your ass; he just wants to fuck you." Tony insisted, taking a chug of his water. "And over my dead body is that happening."

"Well then you better start planning your funeral." I snapped at him, hopping off the counter and pushing my way across the kitchen. Mike was standing talking to Jay Barriball when I reached him, Tony hot on my heels. I grabbed Mike's hand, pulling him away from Jay without a word of explanation.

"Brianna! Get your ass back here!" Tony called as Mike and I walked down the sidewalk, away from the hockey house and Tony.

"Tony, you have no authority over me, and Mike offered to walk me home." I insisted, nudging him to agree as I laced our fingers together. That seemed to upset Tony even more as he got really quiet before he walked back into the house, slamming the door so hard that the sound reverberated off of the other houses like a bomb.

"Whoa." Mike mumbled to me as we walked down the street. I sighed, taking in controlled breaths as I tried not to let my blood pressure spike too high. Tony was really starting to irritate me with his double standards and his need to control me. Didn't he understand what all of this was doing to me? The more he acted like a jealous lover, the more I thought he wanted to be mine, which was obviously not the case.

"Sorry, he was just irritating me and I had to get away. Usually he walks me home because I don't like to be alone on campus, but I just don't want to be around him right now." I slowed my pace down once we turned onto the main road, a respectable distance from the house now.

"It's cool. I'm happy to walk you home." He smiled kindly at me.

"Sorry I didn't give you a chance to grab a jacket." I cringed when I noticed he was only wearing a thin sweater in below freezing point weather. He just shrugged though as if it was no big deal.

We continued to chat aimlessly as we walked back to mine, Kara, and Jess's house, casually holding hands more like friends than like lovers. My mind was, for once, distant from Tony even as my phone vibrated in my purse. Being with Mike felt natural, it felt safe, and it felt good. Not amazing, but good. I was starting to see what Jess and Kara were talking about; maybe he was a good idea for me. He was cozy, a gentleman, and a hockey player, all things that I liked in my men. I just wasn't sure if I was willing to take the damage that it might do to the relationship Tony and I had.

"I had fun tonight, Mike." I murmured to him as I reached the porch of the house, grabbing my keys from my purse.

"Yeah, me too. You're a great girl." He gave me a polite smile, awkwardly shifting his weight from foot to foot. I chuckled slightly and stepped towards him, wrapping my arms around him in a tight hug.

"Good night." I mused as I pulled away, sticking the key into the lock and turning it.

"Um, Brianna?" Mike called to me as I pushed my way into the house, looking over my shoulder at him. "I-I was wondering if you wanted to, you know, get some dinner and maybe catch a movie some day?" He questioned, his hand shoved in his pocket as he bounced around on the balls of his feet. I took a moment to contemplate my answer, weighing the pros and cons for a few seconds before answering.

"That would be great." I grinned at him, nodding my head in agreement. I watched his whole complexion light up as he pipped out a "Great!" before heading down the stairs, waving goodbye once again.

I stood in the doorway for a moment, watching him walk away and wondering if maybe I should have said no. The look on his face told me that maybe Mike was the wrong person to dangle me with in front of Tony. It didn't occur to me when Kara and Jess were talking that maybe, Mike could get hurt in this whole mess of a situation.

I closed the door to the house, sighing and leaning against the oak, pulling my phone out and seeing two new messages from Tony. I ignored them and shut my phone off for the night, need some space and time away from Tony so I could sort through these new feelings that had developed over the course of the night. And as I headed up the stairs, a thought occurred to me that this plan to get over Tony, might just make me fall even deeper.