Lies and Broken Smiles
26
Its late when I get called to go home, I don't want to but I know I have to.
I have been enjoying look up at the stars, they calm my thoughts. I feel so lost.
I open up the door and see them both Jess and Mother sitting there still.
I turn to go up the stairs when mother says.
"Eat some dinner, I made some."
Ugh, "Can I eat it in my room?"
"Su-"
"No." Jess interupts
"I wasn't asking you. I was asking mother."
"Maybe it would be best if you ate it here." Mother says
That Jess oh I will get her.
Dinner is soup, not bad. I already had something to eat though, I hate eating so much.
I sit down and get a bowl while my mind is racing with what to do, how much exercise I should do.
I sit down and start eating I hate this silence. I hate eating when I'm angry I hate it.
I also hate purging soup, but its what I plan to do, because I have to get it out of me.
I'm finally done when I'm allowed to go to my room, I see Jessicas eyes follow me.
"If you follow me I will hurt you!" I threaten
She looks down.
I know they are trying to help but trying to control me will just make it worse, I need my space. They are 'helping' me the wrong way. I feel like I'm a puppet, either ED monster controls me or Jessica does, I don't wanna deal with this.
After my meeting with the toilet I'm dizzy and feel horrible. I look at myself in the mirror and look at my stomach it still pokes out. I need some rest.
~~~~
I wake up to the sound of knocking on my door, I turn and look at the clock 2am who the heck!
I open it up and it's Jessica crying. Oh what now.
"I'm sorry." She says
"For?"
"Everything I'm trying to help but I don't know how to,"
"Well trying to control me won't work, it just annoys me."
"Can I sleep with you tonight."
Ugh "We aren't little anymore you'll be squished."
"Please."
I let out a sigh "Fine."
When we were little girls and one of us was upset we would go and sleep in the others beds together, that was when we were close, but now we've grown so far apart. ED monster is tearing me apart, tearing me away from what I care about. There are so many things that I used to love and now I just hate them.
My mind spins around and I hear Jessica breathing it makes me calm it makes me feel like a child again when everything was perfect. I miss those times.
I have been enjoying look up at the stars, they calm my thoughts. I feel so lost.
I open up the door and see them both Jess and Mother sitting there still.
I turn to go up the stairs when mother says.
"Eat some dinner, I made some."
Ugh, "Can I eat it in my room?"
"Su-"
"No." Jess interupts
"I wasn't asking you. I was asking mother."
"Maybe it would be best if you ate it here." Mother says
That Jess oh I will get her.
Dinner is soup, not bad. I already had something to eat though, I hate eating so much.
I sit down and get a bowl while my mind is racing with what to do, how much exercise I should do.
I sit down and start eating I hate this silence. I hate eating when I'm angry I hate it.
I also hate purging soup, but its what I plan to do, because I have to get it out of me.
I'm finally done when I'm allowed to go to my room, I see Jessicas eyes follow me.
"If you follow me I will hurt you!" I threaten
She looks down.
I know they are trying to help but trying to control me will just make it worse, I need my space. They are 'helping' me the wrong way. I feel like I'm a puppet, either ED monster controls me or Jessica does, I don't wanna deal with this.
After my meeting with the toilet I'm dizzy and feel horrible. I look at myself in the mirror and look at my stomach it still pokes out. I need some rest.
~~~~
I wake up to the sound of knocking on my door, I turn and look at the clock 2am who the heck!
I open it up and it's Jessica crying. Oh what now.
"I'm sorry." She says
"For?"
"Everything I'm trying to help but I don't know how to,"
"Well trying to control me won't work, it just annoys me."
"Can I sleep with you tonight."
Ugh "We aren't little anymore you'll be squished."
"Please."
I let out a sigh "Fine."
When we were little girls and one of us was upset we would go and sleep in the others beds together, that was when we were close, but now we've grown so far apart. ED monster is tearing me apart, tearing me away from what I care about. There are so many things that I used to love and now I just hate them.
My mind spins around and I hear Jessica breathing it makes me calm it makes me feel like a child again when everything was perfect. I miss those times.