A New Kind of Denial

Two days before I had to go back to New Jersey, Mason sprung a surprise on all of us. We were eating dinner that night and he announced that he had something to tell us, but that he wasn’t sure how we would handle it. “I don’t want any of you to get mad at me, alright? Because I really want all of you to know about it beforehand; I'm just kind of afraid to tell you.”

“Whatever it is, dear, I'm sure we’re not going to get angry at you for it,” Jason said softly, looking across the table at him. “Don’t be afraid, Mase. It’s only us. We can handle it, whatever it is.”

Mason sighed and looked down shyly at his plate of food. I reached over and gripped his hand closest to me. “Hey, you know we’re okay with whatever is going to come out of yours mouth right now. If you would tell us that you’re pregnant, we would be okay with that. Nothing is going to be that bad anyways – seeing as how that can’t happen – so just tell us, hon. We’ll be fine with it.”

He shook his head and took a deep breath. “I've decided,” he started slowly, still not too sure about himself for whatever reason, “that I'm going to join the military once I turn eighteen.”

None of us saw that one coming; that was for sure. Ianto had taken a drink of water and had almost done a spit-take with it when those words were said.

“See, I know you guys would freak out about it,” Mason sighed.

“We’re not so much freaking out as we are in shock,” I told him as Jason patted Ianto on the back. “And we’re not mad either.”

“We wouldn’t be mad about something like this,” Ianto said, once he finished gagging on water. “If this is something you want to do, then we can’t well stop you, can we?” I've noticed that when he gets even the slight bit flustered, his British slang tends to come through in his speech.

“I think it’s a great idea if you’re doing it for the right reasons,” Jason said, an unidentifiable look on his face. “Why are you wanting to do this?”

“I've never had much to be proud of in my life and until a few months ago, I really didn’t have a lot in life to live for. I didn’t have much meaning in my life and I really hated that. I just,” he sighed, trailing off after a bit. “I just don’t want to end up dying with the life I have now. I want to have accomplished something in my life and be able to say that my life didn’t amount to absolutely nothing, like Carson’s did. I know this makes me sound really pathetic and depressing, but it’s the truth. I just want some sort of meaning in my life.”

“Are you completely sure you want to join the military? That’s a lot of responsibility and depending on where you get station and what you do, it could be really dangerous.” I knew Jason was getting nervous about everything Mason was telling us, and I was too, so I was kind of glad that he was being so inquisitive.

“I've thought about this quite a lot over the past few weeks and I'm really pretty sure that I want to do this. I know the risks of joining; trust me, I've read up on this like crazy. I know exactly what I’d be getting myself into and I'm prepared to handle it, wherever it may be.”

“We’ll be worried for you, but we’re also going to be very proud of you,” I said, taking a deep breath to get my thoughts all together. “You don’t know how much more respect I have for you now. I don’t know I would ever have the courage to join any military and so I greatly respect that in you.”

“I'm so glad that I have you guys by my side,” Mason smiled softly as he looked around the table at us. That was pretty much the end of that conversation, as we all had our answers and got our points out there.

After dinner, Mason and I went back to my our room and put on some background music while we talked. It always seemed like it was easier to talk about serious things when music is playing. Soft rock was playing through the speakers of my iPod’s dock as we got comfortable on my bed. We were leaning back against the headboard and cuddling a bit.

“Hey, what’s wrong, Gavin?” Mason asked, cocking his head to the side to look at me curiously. “You are okay with what I told everyone at dinner, right?”

“Yeah, yeah I am. Don’t worry about that. It’s just, well, I'm worried for you,” I muttered, looking over at him from under my hair. “I know why you’re doing it and I completely respect that, but I'm just worried that something’s going to happen to you and that I might lose you.”

He sighed and reached down to grasp my hand. “I have thought about that part of this so much over the past week or so. That is the only downside I can see for me doing this. The only thing that would stop me from going off and doing this is the fact that something might happen to me that would leave you hurting.” He kissed the back of my hand and looked me ever so softly in the eyes. “Gavin, I love you so much and I would never want to hurt you or to do anything that would hurt you. But I need to do what I think is right, and that’s this. I'm going to try my hardest to get into a part of military that doesn’t require me to go out into the field. Honestly, I don’t want to go in the field, but if I have to, I will. And if they tell me that I have to, I swear on my life that you will be the first to know.”

“I don’t know if I want to know,” I whispered, a tear escaping the defenses of my eye.

“Oh baby, don’t cry. Please don’t cry,” he sighed, wiping a tear away with this thumb.

“I don’t even know why I'm crying, really,”

“Of course you do,” he chuckled lightly, kissing my forehead. “You’re worried and that’s tenfold because you love me and don’t want to lose me.”

“Well, there’s that,” I giggled slightly, cheering up even in the slightest. “Because I really do love you and it would kill me to lose you.”

“I love you too, Gav. A lot more than you probably know,”