The Way I Am, I Can't Express Or Understand.

Landon’s eye lids were heavy, it didn’t matter that it was still early in the evening; he’d barely gotten any sleep the night before. He hadn’t been able to get comfortable, and didn’t have the courage to go see if Pat was still awake. He’d fallen asleep too late and woken up too early, again with the same problem, and had had to stay laying there for hours until his cousin had finally awakened, and caused Landon to go into his first breakdown since he’d arrived just by asking him what he’d wanted for breakfast.

Landon had locked himself in the practice room for what felt like hours, pacing and ripping at his hair, until he’d finally calmed down enough to open the door, and Pat had shoved a bowl of Lucky Charms at Landon’s chest, spilling some of it onto his shirt, and only making him even more ashamed he was throwing that big of a fit over something so simple. Pat was in the wrong though, and Landon knew even though it was a small decision for Pat to make for him, Pat was supposed to be giving him ultimatums, which had been a promise he’d had to make to Landon’s parents in order for him to be able to even come here for the summer. Babying Landon was off limits, but it seemed that was all Pat could ever do to help.

Afterwards, things had fallen eerily silent between the two. Pat seemed to be walking on thin ice around Landon, watching what he said and did, and not asking anything further of Landon, he’d even chosen a shirt and pants for him, when he’d seen the way Landon got worked up over it.

Pat’s phone rang out in between the two of them on the leather couch, and Landon jumped, waking himself from the half comatose state he’d been in, and he nudged his cousin gently, getting his attention away from the laptop that currently occupied it in his lap. Pat fumbled for his phone and dropped it onto the floor, shoving his laptop at Landon and grabbing at it, answering it before it could go any further.

“What am I doing right now? Sitting on my couch…Why? Oh! I forgot it started this weekend…but there’s…I don’t know…I can ask him, I guess.” Pat pulled his phone away from his ear and looked to Landon, who’d been staring at him, puzzled. “What’s your opinion on festivals?” Pat pressed. Landon wasn’t sure what to say, he used to absolutely adore festivals, but now it was too many people, not enough space, and he only liked to go at night, and at night was when a lot of people he wouldn’t want to run into would be there.

“They’re alright…I guess.” Landon scratched the back of his neck, and his cousin continued to ramble on on the phone.

“Well the guys are up there…it’ll be fun.” Pat was pleading and trying to hide the fact he was pleading, it was obvious he didn’t want to spend his Saturday night sitting on a couch with Landon, and it really came as no surprise. Landon didn’t want to make Pat stay anymore than he knew Pat wanted to, and so he gave in, agreeing to go, mostly against his own will, but at least he wouldn’t have to sit at home alone with Pat’s parents.

Landon was anxious, that wasn’t hard to figure out either, and he felt like he was in labor the way he was forcing himself to take steady breaths while he tried to make something out of the rat’s nest his hair had become. It was painfully straight, but from the extent that he’d been playing and ripping at his hair to calm himself down, it was a mess all in its own. Pat opened the bathroom door cautiously, and Landon jumped a little from his nerves, before settling down while Pat brushed his teeth.

“Are you going to be ready to go?”

“Am I driving us?” Landon glanced over at his cousin who was fidgeting with his own looks, obviously preparing to see more than just his friends.

“Yeah, you remember where the old high school is right? It’s behind there.”

Landon rolled his eyes, pulling his favorite beanie on in an attempt to hide his bed head; it was the only hat he owned, which made it an easy decision at all times, considering he almost always had it on. “Sometimes you forget who I used to be, Patrick.”

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It was practically pitch black out by the time Landon and Pat made it to the festival, aside from the bright lights of the fair rides and games and various food stands that covered a good amount of room on both sides of the main road, that you had to run across to get from one side to the other, and hope the cars could see you. Landon eased himself out of the driver’s seat, locking his car once he saw Pat had already made it out, and the two walked alongside each other in mostly silence, glancing around as familiar faces walked past, but no one seemed to remember Landon, and if they did they made an odd way of showing it, just staring at him when they’d wave to Pat or mumble a hello.

Pat slid his hand into Landon’s, holding it in a firm grip after they’d scoured the entire first half of the festival, not finding the boys anywhere, which meant they were on the other side, probably goofing around on the hill that Landon remembered being there, closer to the outskirts of the festival, by the REC center. Landon felt his heart pick up speed already, before they’d even crossed the street, and he knew why, because when Pat said the boys would be there, that meant all of them, and that meant Kennedy. Landon’s heart kicked up another notch when he started to think about the older boy, and Pat tugged fiercely at Landon’s hand, before he’d realized he’d zoned out in the middle of crossing the street, and he took off running just in time as an old Chevy came rumbling through where he’d just been standing.

Pat quickly released Landon’s hand as soon as they hit the grass on the other side, and instead busied himself with trying to find the guys, which Landon didn’t mind one bit, since his cousin was starting to get on his nerves just as much as Landon knew he was getting on Pat’s. There were just too many differences, too many things Landon didn’t know how to talk to Pat about, even though Pat was the closest to him, and probably the only person Landon held the smallest bit of trust in anymore.

Landon was about to speak up, to tell Pat he just wanted to go home, it was getting cold out now, the darker it got, and the faces he didn’t recognize and people shoving against him were making it hard to breathe, that was, however, before familiar screaming broke out, and Pat took off running. Landon kept up, but not in any coordinated kind of way, from the awkward stumbling way he’d always ran.

The screaming led them to the hill, just where Landon had suspected, and who was screaming was also who Landon suspected, as Kennedy shoved at a smaller boy, who when the lights reflected correctly, was revealed to be Garrett.

“I swear to fucking god if you touch her again!” Kennedy shoved Garrett one more time before a tall figure pulled him away, who Landon could only assume was John. Pat started to trudge up the hill, and Landon followed behind closely, a little unsure of what to do whenever voices were raised. Kennedy shook John off of him, straightening himself out and giving Garrett a warning look, but didn’t touch him again as Landon neared the top of the hill.

“It’s not like I didn’t want him to, Kennedy, you know what, fuck you!” A small girl next to Garrett yelled, and Landon hid behind Pat and Jared, who were exchanging cautious looks, unsure themselves of what to do.

The girl and Garrett broke away from the small group, and Kennedy pushed his hair back, glancing around at everyone who just stared back at him, before he stopped and locked eyes with Landon. “Oh hey, the Kirchs finally grace us with their presence.” He was acting as if nothing had happened, and a small smile spread across his face, causing the other boys around Landon to look on at Kennedy in possibly even more shock. Landon could feel his insides churning grossly, and curled his toes into the bottom of his shoes. Pat yelled a small greeting next to him, and when Landon looked over, Pat’s arms were around a small blonde, that Landon could only assume was Lauren from the times he’d seen her when they were younger.

“Are you guys’ hungry at all?” John asked, trying to mend the awkwardness, and Landon immediately felt Pat’s eyes on him, making sure he wasn’t going to freak out like he did that morning. Landon shook his head quickly, dropping his eyes from Kennedy and staring at the darkness where he knew his feet were, his fingers tangling through the ends of his hair in attempts to soothe his nerves.

Lauren wanted a funnel cake, and Pat was equally as interested. Landon wasn’t too ready for Pat to leave him alone with John and Kennedy just yet, because Jared had wandered off somewhere. He was giving Pat the most pathetic looks, hoping he’d stay, but Pat just grabbed his shoulder, giving it a light squeeze, before taking off running down the hill, hand in hand with his girlfriend.

“Rides, then?” Kennedy suggested to John, not even bothering to ask Landon, who stared down at his shoes in between the two boys.

“Maybe, I don’t know…we’ll walk around first.” Landon looked back up at the two, and John gave him a small smile, obviously trying to buy him more time.

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“How about the Ferris wheel, or the merry go round.” John smiled to himself, and Landon just shook his head, letting out a small, almost inaudible laugh. He knew John was only suggesting easy going rides for his sake, he was babying him, and Landon wasn’t taking any of the propositions seriously.

“The fuck, man, the merry go round? What are we, five?” Kennedy rolled his eyes, and pointed towards the ride that had always terrified Landon when he was smaller. “That, is what we’re going on.”

“Kennedy.” John shot him a warning look. “Kiddy rides or no rides.”

“Landon, do you really want to ride those?” Kennedy stared at Landon, whose head snapped up at the sound of Kennedy’s voice saying his name, and his face heated up, as he reached back to scratch an imaginary itch on the back of his neck.

“I-I don’t know.” He stammered out, cursing himself for the way he always freaked out when Kennedy was around.

“See, he doesn’t even know, come on, you know you want to go on it.” Kennedy pleaded with John, who sighed.

“No, actually, I don’t want to go on it, I already have, like the past four summers with you.” John messed his hair that seemed to consume his face, and Landon rocked on his heels, feeling so small next to the two boys who had to be near six foot by now.

“Can we just walk past it? And if Landon says no, I won’t make him.” Kennedy gave Landon a smirk, and a small burn started in the pit of Landon’s stomach, giving him the notion that wasn’t the case. Landon nodded a little, and John sighed.

“Fine, but I swear Kennedy, if I have to return him and he’s a mess-.”

“Calm down, mom, the kid’s old enough; he can do what he wants.” Landon chewed his thumbnail, and Kennedy shot him another smile, making him go weak in the knees momentarily, before they were walking again, and he had to remain steady.

“I don’t see the point in this.” John thought out loud.

“It’s alright, John, looking at a ride isn’t going to hurt me.” Landon smiled weakly. The line wasn’t overly long for it, but there were a lot of other lines and stands surrounding it, that made it awfully claustrophobic.

Kennedy turned around, since he was leading the three of them, and his arm shot out, his hand loosely gripping Landon’s so he could tug him through the crowd. Landon felt like he was about to melt, he wasn’t even walking anymore; he was a puddle on the ground, and all just because some boy was holding his hand, shamefully enough.

Landon whipped around as they made it finally to the line, noticing he couldn’t find John, and struggled not to show how panicked he was to the older boy who gave his hand a light squeeze before dropping it all together, as if they’d never been holding hands in the first place. Landon took notice of a young couple right in front of them, and Kennedy must have noticed the same from the way his expression changed uneasily. The lights made it easier to see now, and Landon noticed, with a small drop of his jaw, that the small girl was none other than Kennedy’s little sister Maddie, the same Maddie he can remember being completely undeveloped and quite possibly in middle school the last time he saw her, compared to now.

“Kennedy?”

“Hm?” Kennedy mumbled back, obviously not in such a good mood anymore.

“You realize that’s your sister…and Garrett.”

“Obviously, who else did you think it was?”

“I don’t know…I figured it was your girlfriend or something.” Landon sunk his teeth into his bottom lip; he hadn’t meant to ask such a personal question, realizing he’d just practically demanded Kennedy’s relationship status.

“I don’t have a girlfriend.” Kennedy answered finally, after a few moments, and a goofy smile crossed his face, but disappeared the second Landon noticed it, much to his dismay. “She doesn’t know what she’s getting into though, I mean, I’m pretty sure you can vouch for me on what Garrett’s in it for. And she’s not even legal for fuck’s sake.”

“So that’s what the fight was about?”

“Pretty much…yeah…listen, Landon, I really need you to help keep an eye on them with me okay?” Landon nodded slightly, unsure of what the entire job entailed. “So you’ll go on the ride with me then, right?” Kennedy gave him a small smile, and Landon glanced up at the ride before him, feeling like he was going to puke already, it didn’t even look stable.

“You really want me to ride that?” Landon swallowed the lump in his throat, looking back over at Kennedy.

“Please.” Kennedy whined, making his deep brown eyes go all wide and his lips pouted out, making Landon utterly unable to resist, and he shifted his weight anxiously from foot to foot.

“Kenny-” Landon started.

“Come on, Landon, please, just for me.” He stuck his bottom lip out further, and Landon focused away from Kennedy’s face, unsure of what exactly he would do to the older boy if he kept making that face at him. The line moved up, and Maddie and Garrett were going on this round. “Please.” Kennedy repeated again, quieter than before, and Landon shook his head, finally giving in. “You’ll be fine, I swear, I won’t let you die or anything.” At the words “die”, all of Landon’s phobias came back, that he tried to shake off as fast as possible, thinking about kids who got electrocuted and died from rides collapsing or being unstable, and the one in front of him sure had that look going for it. If he was going to die, he didn’t want it like this, with some boy who he didn’t trust, locked into a creaky metal carnie ride.

Kennedy didn’t give Landon time to work up a good enough reason for them to leave, hooking a hand loosely around Landon’s wrist and pulling him up to the line, right behind Kennedy’s sister, and Landon knew he was going to hear it from her once she recognized him.

Kennedy got in first, trying to show off to Landon that it wasn’t that hard to do, and Landon eased himself in, his knees shaking and knocking against each other once he sat down. Kennedy let out a small laugh.

“It’s really not that bad, you’ll be fine.”

“You know they build these things in like a day, right? They don’t even get tested. And do you know how many people die every year?” Landon just stared at the older boy, absolutely terrified. “I-I can’t do this Kennedy. I can’t, I’m sorry.” The bar came down over the two of them as soon as Landon said it, and he knew time was running out. Kennedy hushed him.

“You’ll be alright, really, I promise.” The ride started up, and Landon let loose a string of curse words under his breath, only causing Kennedy to laugh at him again.

“It’s not funny.” Landon pouted, and Kennedy’s lips turned up into a smirk.

“You’re right, I know, I’m sorry.” Kennedy’s apology wasn’t sympathetic, but still joking.

“This better be worth Pat and John killing you after they find out you kidnapped me.” Kennedy shrugged, the only answer he could give Landon since they were thundering down the track and it was all Landon could hear ringing through his ears. He focused mostly on the older boy next to him, even though the small amount of food from today in his stomach felt like it was about to make a reoccurrence. The ride wasn’t meant for someone Landon’s size, and he kept slamming his side into either the side of the seat, or Kennedy’s side, which just made his face burn and his stomach churn even worse each time.

-------

Landon slightly remembered now what it felt like now to pour your guts out, and also why he’d strayed away from any kind of ride for so long. He bent over the trash can, dry heaving, feeling his whole body burn, not just from nausea, but more from embarrassment. Kennedy rubbed small circles on his back absentmindedly, while swearing under his breath and dialing what Landon could assume was just about every number in his phone, trying to get a hold of John, who would be more forgiving.

The burning in Landon’s throat stopped at the same time Kennedy caught sight of John, and Kennedy warned him to stay in the same spot, before he took off running. Landon slumped down in the grass, wiping his mouth and holding his head in his hands, feeling ashamed and aggravated at himself, he wasn’t sure Kennedy would want to hang out with him anymore, and that hurt worse than anything else in a long time.

John was scolding Kennedy, and Landon could hear them before they even made it back to him, but John was still coming to help, all for the good in Landon, that he couldn’t ever see in himself.

“Hey, you alright?” John shoved Landon’s shoe with his, bending down to where he sat, and Landon looked up at him, trying to hide the shame he was feeling. Landon just gave a small shrug; he really didn’t know what he was at that moment. “You’re going to have to call Pat.” John gave Kennedy a look. “And you better tell him this wasn’t my fault.” John reached down and pulled Landon to his feet, and he stumbled unsteadily, feeling dizzy from the rides and lights around him that seemed to just continually spin, and not to mention the groups of people, less than before, but there were still quite a large amount of them, and Landon gripped John’s arm in an attempt to steady himself. “Want me to carry you?” John sighed, and Landon nodded, chewing his bottom lip, not sure how much more of a baby he could make himself out to be.

Landon jumped up as coordinated as he could onto John’s back, who hooked his arms under Landon’s thighs, shooting Kennedy more than enough ‘you owe me’ looks. Landon let his arms hang over John’s shoulders loosely, feeling almost worse for Kennedy than for himself, knowing how much trouble he was about to get in.

“Well call him.” John yelled at Kennedy again, and Landon felt his eyes getting heavy again from the constant movement and all the fatigue from earlier coming back. Kennedy sighed, and pulled his phone back out of his pocket, his eyes flashing up to meet Landon’s every so often, and Landon just wanted his stomach to calm down, as he shut his eyes for a few minutes.

“Well I didn’t know this would happen!” Kennedy was yelling, and Landon forced his eyes open, not realizing it at first that he’d fallen asleep.

“What’s happening?” He mumbled groggily to John.

“Pat’s flipping out.” John shrugged, and hitched Landon up higher.

“Gimme the phone Ken-dy.” Landon mumbled, still sleepy, and rubbed his face against the back of John’s shirt. Kennedy obliged with no more questions, handing it to him. “Hi Pat.” Landon spoke once the phone was against his ear, and Kennedy watched him cautiously.

“What the hell happened? I only left you with them for like an hour!”

“You know that old coaster?” Landon smiled goofily, feeling accomplished for the first time lately. “Kennedy took me on it.”

“Yeah, I heard, and you flipped out and got sick.” Pat’s voice was anything but happy for him.

“It was my idea, Pat.”

“You don’t even like coasters!”

“People change, believe it or not. I wanted to see if I could handle it now.”

Pat sighed. “So Kennedy didn’t force you into it?”

Landon glanced over at the older boy, who was staring up at him again. “No, he didn’t. I chose to do it.” Pat let out a small noise, which let Landon know he didn’t believe any second of it, but he humored him anyways.

“Well, Lauren and I just got food…so I don’t know if you want to go home already…” Pat was trying to weasel his way out again, and Landon didn’t want to have to drag his cousin away, he knew he was having a good night, unlike him.

“I get it Pat, really, its okay, you spend too much time with guys, have fun, alright?” Landon mostly wanted to make Pat leave the other boys out of this, and if he had a good time and didn’t have to leave already, he really almost owed Landon.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, it’s fine.”

“Kay, let me talk to Kennedy again.” Landon sighed, glad to be done with that, and handed the phone back to the older boy walking next to him and John.

“Pat, I don’t want to le-. I know, I know, it’s my mess.” Kennedy tugged at his greasy hair, and looked up at Landon, who yawned. “Alright, fine, later.” Kennedy shoved his phone back in his pocket, and John stopped walking, Landon struggling to hook his arms around John’s neck and stay awake at the same time.

“What now?” John asked.

“I have to take him home.” The enthusiasm dropped from Kennedy’s face that had just been there, and Landon pressed his face into John’s shoulder, not wanting to be here, being a burden like always.

“Well maybe you should have thought before you took him on the ride.” John let go of Landon, and Landon dropped to the ground, scrambling to his feet to try and shake off his not so smooth dismount.

“You coming, man?”

“Nah, Ross is here with some girl and my mom’s making me take him home. You two have fun though.” John smiled and shoved Landon lightly, knocking him into Kennedy.

Once John left, Kennedy took off through the dark, and Landon ran after him, struggling to keep up. Kennedy stopped at the street, not even bothering to make sure that he was behind him, and left him to cross the street on his own, before Landon had to pick up speed again to catch up with the older boy, who was obviously no longer in a good mood.

Kennedy slowed to just walking, and Landon kept a good distance behind, still able to hear the boy swearing under his breath in front of him, that only reached a higher volume when he caught sight of Maddie and Garrett again.

“What did I fucking say? You know what, fuck it, Maddie, we’re leaving.” Kennedy turned, and when she didn’t follow, gripped her hand and tugged her along, while Landon stood like an outsider just watching it all. He followed along again, leaving a great distance in between him and the siblings, not wanting to intervene and just make it worse.

Kennedy made it to the car first, leaning against it and waiting for Landon, who was stumbling along, and Maddie got in the back seat. Landon inched cautiously closer to the older boy, who was staring at the ground, and slipped the keys from Kennedy’s grasp on them, looking up at him in hopes the boy wouldn’t lash out again.

“Breathe, Kenny.” Landon let out a weak laugh. “That’s what they always tell me.” Kennedy gave him a small smile, and extended his arms out, pulling Landon up against his chest. Landon tried not to show how bad it was affecting him, but it was, the smell of Kennedy, and the thought that he was hugging him again threw his nerves and heartbeat into overdrive all over again. His face pressed against Kennedy’s neck, and he wasn’t sure why he liked the way they fit together so well. Landon was waiting for Kennedy to let go, knowing it was only going to last a few seconds, but Kennedy exhaled, and nudged the side of Landon’s head with his.

“Hands off, Kennedy! If I can’t touch, neither can you, asshole!” Maddie grumbled from the back seat, and Landon broke apart from Kenny quickly, his face burning up rapidly, and he shoved Kennedy’s keys back at him, making his way to the passenger seat.

The ride consisted of no conversation, and instead Third Eye Blind being blasted quite possibly as loud as was possible for Kennedy’s car’s stereo, with all of the windows down and Maddie bitching the whole way. Landon stared out his window the entire ride, not sure what kind of feeling the older boy held for him, and trying not to think about it, or Kennedy, because it seemed that was all that possessed Landon’s thoughts anymore.

Kennedy whipped into the Kirch’s driveway, not making any attempt to slow down in the turn, and slammed on the brakes before he hit Mrs. Kirch’s car. Landon didn’t get out at first, expecting the boy in the driver’s seat to at least say something to him, and when he didn’t, shoved the door and made his way up the driveway, and Kennedy reversed his car without hesitation, speeding back down the street.