Love, Aspen

I listened as Aspen got sleepily out of the bed and walked into the bathroom, closing the door before she turned on the light. I heard her peeing and then she turned off the light and came back through the door, walking blindly through the living room. I heard her bang her knee on the coffee table and then grab the pack of cigarettes as she walked out the door. I contemplated on following her out there, but I knew that I should probably just think about what the fuck I was going to tell her.

I hadn’t forgotten that Aspen didn’t know about my dad, but I’d hoped that she might have forgotten about him. He never really was around that much anyway. But she had remembered him, of course. And asked me about him. Twice. Once in front of my mom. Which I guess would be completely normal, had he actually been gone on business or something. But it just struck a few chords with me. And my mom especially. She didn’t want to talk about it and I finally had to look at Aspen and tell her we’d talk about it later. I know that she wasn’t trying to probe, she just accidentally let it slip. And I understood that, which is why I wasn’t mad about it. But the whole way home, she just kept apologizing and asking if everything was okay and bringing up the fact that she wanted to make sure my mom was alright and she didn’t mean to ruin dinner.

I had to assure her ten million times that it wasn’t her fault. We came home and smoked in silence. She took a shower and got in bed while I talked on the phone with Craig for a little while about recording times. I crawled into bed just an hour or so ago and still, she hadn’t said another word to me. And I felt like maybe she’s thinking that I don’t want her to know, which wasn’t the case at all. It’s just hard to talk about.

I heard the door open and close. She flipped the lock up and walked quickly into the room, practically diving into the bed and wrapping the blankets around herself. I could smell the cigarettes on her as she rolled over on her side and faced me. I opened my eyes and hers were already staring at me, like she was waiting for me to look at her.

“I didn’t mean to wake you up.” She said quietly, smiling.

“It’s alright.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” I nodded. “I’m fine.”

“I didn’t mean to be pushy earlier, you know. It’s just like all that bullshit with Ryan, I wanted you to know, but I just didn’t know how to tell you. I wasn’t sure what you would think. You just seemed really upset and I wanted to be able to help you out.” She paused. “If I could. I know there isn’t much that I can do, because I can never do much of anything… But you know.”

I laughed quietly, despite what I was about to say. I closed my eyes, as they were already full of tears. They had been since Aspen went outside.

“Matt?” She whispered, reaching out to touch my face. “Are you crying?”

I tried to smile, but it was more of a grimace. “My dad is dead.”

I felt her hand go limp against my face, “Matt.”

“My mom told me to wake him up one day, so I did. I tried like four times and he just wouldn’t wake up. So I told my mom and she went into the room. I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom and I just heard this blood curdling scream come from my mom. And I knew.” I said quietly, tears pouring from my eyes. “I knew before I even told her to go in there. I knew he was dead, but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t fucking…”

Aspen shifted in the bed and reached over me, turning on the bedside lamp. She sat up and pulled me into her lap, running her thin fingers through my hair. “Matt, I’m so sorry.”

“He fucking killed himself, Aspen. Took a bunch of Percocet or Vicodin or some bullshit like that. I don’t fucking know. But he over dosed. And he did it when he got home from work. They called the paramedics, and tried to resuscitate him. But he was dead on arrival. Just fucking gone.” I cried some more, sniveled. I could feel snot running out of my nose. “We don’t even know why. He didn’t leave a note or anything. He was just dead. Just gone, Aspen. Who the fuck does that? When you commit suicide, don’t you leave a note? You can’t just kill yourself without telling anyone why. That’s not right. It’s bad enough he’s fucking dead.”

I continued to cry. I cried until my eyes itched and I cried until my nose was full of snot. Aspen got up out of the bed and went into the bathroom, pulling the toilet paper off the roll and handing it to me. But I couldn’t be fucked to blow my nose. I was too tired, too emotionally distraught.

“How long ago did it happen?”

I shrugged. “A couple weeks after you left.”

“I should’ve been there for you. After all the shit you were there for me through and I couldn’t fucking be there for that.” She whispered. “I’m so fucking sorry Matt. So fucking sorry.”

“You didn’t know.” I said. “It’s not like you could have done anything anyway. No one could. I couldn’t even function anymore. I was just this mass of shit just sitting around doing nothing. I sat on my couch for a week straight, Aspen. Courtney had to coax me into the shower.”

She didn’t say anything.

“That’s how I get when I’m depressed. I get fucking pathetic. I don’t move, I sit around and rot. I get up to piss and that’s it. I don’t even get hungry. I must’ve lost like twenty pounds when that happened. I wanted to fucking die.” My voice wavered again. “My mom just got up and went to work every day. She came home and cooked herself dinner and went to bed. I don’t even know if she slept. I think she just lay in bed, wishing my dad was next to her the whole time. Sometimes I would check on her at night. I would check on her to make sure—“

She interjected. “To make sure she wasn’t dead.”

“Yeah.”

Aspen pulled my hair away from my face. “I used to check on my mom too.” She said quietly. “I’m really sorry about your dad, Matt.”

“Like I said. It’s not your fault.”

“I just wish I could have been there for you.”

“There was nothing you could do. There still isn’t.”

“That’s why you can’t let go of Courtney.” She said quietly.

I sighed. Courtney was the last thing I wanted to talk about right now. I just poured my heart out and told Aspen what had happened with my dad and she just had to bring up Courtney. But I didn’t want to rip her face off. She didn’t deserve that at all.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“She helped you through one of the toughest times in your life. That’s why you’re so attached to her. If it wasn’t for her dragging you off that couch and getting you into the shower, you would have been ten times worse than you were.”

I nodded. “I guess so.”

Both of us were quiet for a few minutes. Aspen didn’t know what to say and I didn’t want to cry anymore.

“Are you angry at him?”

“At my dad?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t know. I was for a while. I was angry because he fucked up my mom so bad. But right now, I just want to know why he did it. I want to know what was so fucking bad about his life that he had to go and kill himself.” My voice showed my resentment. “It’s just bullshit. I’ve been pretty shitty lately, not getting off the couch, not showering, not leaving the house unless someone pulled me out of it. And I thought about killing myself, but I didn’t. I mean, fuck. Maybe I’m just a big fucking pussy and I can’t get the balls to do it. Sometimes I think it’s only because…” I laughed at myself. “Nevermind.”

“Because what?”

“It’s stupid. Nevermind.”

“Matt.” She said softly, moving her hand to my cheek. I could feel her cold breath on my neck. “Just tell me.”

“Well, after me and Courtney were done, I laid around and did nothing. Everything was total shit. The only reason I ended up in D.R.U.G.S was because Andy knew Craig. And even then, they had to come and kidnap me from my own house. I just didn’t have the energy for anything. I didn’t care. Nothing mattered to me. I just wanted to do nothing all the time.” He paused. “And then I got that call from your PO and I just kept thinking to myself, ‘This is a bad idea. I shouldn’t do this.’ But I think that getting you out of jail gave me something to look forward to.”

She laughed.

“I’m serious.” I said, “It’s like, I don’t know. I have to watch over someone so I can’t off myself. I have to make sure that you’re alright. I can’t go dicking around and doing nothing, I have to make sure that you’re fed. When you’re living for someone else, it’s entirely different than living for yourself.”

“Are you trying to tell me that I saved your life?” She asked.

I could hear the smirk in her voice, and it made me smile. I rolled over so that I was facing her now, instead of staring at the bed sheets. “You’re making me feel like a cheesy fuckwad.”

“I’m sorry.” She laughed. “I just find that hard to believe that I saved your life, Matt.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Why?”

I sat up, looking at her. “Yeah, why? Why is that so hard for you to believe?”

“Well first of all, it was you who got me out of jail. And second, I’ve done nothing but cause you trouble since we were like fifteen. Three, I’m not really a lifesaving type. I’m just kind of here, to cause problems and fuck around and do absolutely nothing right.”

“Shut the fuck up.” I laughed. “You always kept me on my toes and shit. Like I said, when you have someone else to live for, someone else to take care of, your problems don’t really mean anything. I don’t have shit for food in the fridge, but that doesn’t even matter because I have you to be hungry with. If I was just hungry alone, I would be pissed.”

“You’re not making any sense tonight, Matt.”

“I know.” I paused. “You’re fucking with my emotional stability. Coming into my life and being all cute and stuff.”

She grinned. Her little half grin and looked away from me. “I’m sorry. I’ll try to stop that.”

“It’s alright.” I said, laughing. “I think I like it. I like having someone fuck with my heart and my emotions and making me feel like a pedophile.”

She reached over and shoved my arm. “You know what? I am not fucking with your heart.” She laughed. “You’re the one that’s always like We better stop looking at each other because the cops are going to bust my door down and I’m going to get charged for raping you!”

“Yeah but you’re just in it for the sex.”

She laughed, leaning forward. “That might be true.” She paused. “If there were any sex.”

“What if there was?”

She shrugged. “You’ll never know.”

“Why is that?”

“Because you always stop me before I can get that far.” She smirked.