Love, Aspen

I was wiping the sweat off my face with a towel when Aly walked into the room. She looked just as tired as I felt, if not more. Her and Aspen had gotten back a couple hours ago and Aspen had passed out on the couch in John’s living room, sleeping through all the noise.

“She okay?” I asked.

“Yeah, she’s fine. She was just wondering where you were at.”

“She’s not freaking out or anything?”

“No,” Aly yawned.

“Jesus,” Craig grinned, sitting down next to his girlfriend. “You act like she’s eight years old.”

“She has really bad nightmares.” I argued. “I just don’t want her to wake up and freak out because she’s somewhere she has never been and I’m not there.”

“She slept just fine at my house that night.”

“She was drunk.”

Craig nodded and Aly stood up, stretching. “I think I’m going to head home. I’m beat. Can you hitch a ride with someone?”

Craig looked over at me and I nodded. “Yeah, I can give you a ride. What time is it anyway?”

“About three.” Nick yawned.

“Fuck me.” I sighed. “Are we even close to being done?”

“I think we have to get the rest of Adam’s shit on there and then we should be almost done. We’ll have to come back and get the rest done tomorrow. I can’t fucking play anymore. I’m too tired.”

John rubbed his face and looked at the five of us. “Nick’s right. All we have to do is get Adam’s and Aaron’s done and you guys are set. You can finish tonight or you can come back tomorrow and we’ll get the rest of it done.”

We all looked at each other and the vote was unanimous without even saying anything. All of us were fucking beat and ready to get the fuck out of there. So we set to packing everything up and by four o’clock, everyone was out of the house besides Craig and me.

“Well I gotta get Aspen, but I don’t know if I should wake her up or if I should just drag her out to the car.”

Craig shrugged. “She’s light enough that you could probably carry her.”

“I want to smoke first.” I said, following Craig out the door. “John probably wants to fucking kill us for showing up so late and then bailing like that. I could tell he probably just wanted to get some shit done.”

“Yeah well everyone is beat and it’ll take us ten times longer to get shit recorded if we’re all half awake.” Craig laughed. “Especially you. You fucked up so many times on that last one.”

“I can barely keep my eyes open.” I yawned, letting out a mouthful of smoke. “I’m so fucking tired.”

“What the hell do you and Aspen lay awake talking about all night?”

I shrugged. “It’s different stuff every night. I don’t know. It’s pretty much the both of us just getting to know each other again, I guess. Her and I grew up together, and I was always there for her. I was the only person that was there for her and now it seems like I really need her in my life.”

“You need her or you want her?”

I laughed. “I probably just want her. God knows I don’t have any money to feed another person or supply cigarettes for another person.”

“What the hell made you decide to take her in anyway?”

“I don’t know. It pretty much started with the whole ‘I need to get a life’ thing. I mean, it’s hard when you’re so depressed and fucked up that you can’t even get off the couch to take a shower.” I paused. “Shit was really bad there for a while.”

“Why did you think bringing Aspen into your life would fix that?”

“It has, hasn’t it?”

Craig sat down next to me. “For the most part, yeah. You’re a lot happier now with her, I’ve noticed. But like you said, that’s an extra person you don’t have the money to take care of. And what happens when you have to go on tour? You can’t just leave her at your apartment by herself.”

“Why not?”

“Like you said, she’s got those really bad nightmares. And do you really trust a seventeen year old fresh out of juvie to take care of your shit while you’re gone?”

“I don’t know, Craig.” I mumbled, putting my cigarette out. “It was all a lot of impulse. I felt bad for her, like guilty almost. The past we have has been pretty rough. I was there every time her mom kicked her out; I was always there when she needed someone.” I thought back to the night that she’d called me from the park. “I mean, I was there for literally everything. It’s been a couple of years since we’d talked, right? She got nailed for her arson charge—“

“Arson?”

“She lit a playground on fire?”

“What for?”

“She just had some bad memories there. She was a little fucked up at the time. But anyway, she gets thrown in juvie on this arson charge, because there were so many others before it. She was homeless, living on the streets and getting caught for anything and everything so they finally decide to just throw her in jail. She spends six months in there and she’s ready to get released.” I paused. “And do you know who she fucking calls?”

“You.”

“Exactly. And when you spend two years away from someone, when you were all they had before that, and still you’re the only god damn person they can rely on for help, you can’t do anything but go get them from jail.” I rubbed my face. “There have been a couple times where I feel like it might have been a bad idea, but for the most part, it was probably a really good decision on my part.”

“How do you figure that?”

“I got her in a stable environment right now. She’s got a place to sleep every night, food to eat, and we’re almost like therapy for each other. I mean, there have been a couple times where we’ve gotten under each other’s skin and we’ve yelled at each other, but besides that, it’s nice to not have to live alone anymore. I was so god damn lonely after Courtney left.”

“You’re not using Aspen to fill Courtney’s void, are you?” Craig said quickly. “Not that I think you would do that on purpose, but just because it seems to me like you were so lost in your heart break and then cute little Aspen comes along and all of a sudden you’re like this big fucking ball of happy. Which there’s nothing wrong with, I like you being happy. I just don’t want you to be filling this void with her and then she runs off or you lose her and it’s ten times worse than it was before.”

“I’ve thought about that.” I said quietly. “And honestly, I don’t think I am. I think that what it is, is that both of us have grown quite a bit. I’ve come to the realization that Courtney was just a fucking bitch and she’s come to the realization that she needs to get her shit together. And we’ve both come to this recently, like we did it together. I spent a lot of time being depressed and sad and ever since she moved in with me, it’s like things are so much better. I’m smiling all the time, we have fun together. It’s not like she’s using me for a place to live or I’m using her to have sex with—“

“You guys have sex?”

I laughed. “No. That’s what I’m saying. That’s not what our relationship is at all. It’s like we’re best friends, but…”

“But what?”

“I don’t know. I’ve really been thinking about shit lately and I just feel like maybe there’s something there, like we could end up together.”

“You sure she’s mature enough for that?”

“I would think so. When I say she’s been through a lot, she really has. I don’t use that term lightly. And when I talk to her, it’s like she totally gets everything I’m saying.” I laughed. “I sound like a teenage boy. But seriously, last night we went over to my mom’s for dinner and she asked about my dad.”

“Why the fuck would she do that?”

“She didn’t know that he was dead.” I said softly. “And I don’t know why I didn’t tell her. I hadn’t really thought about it until we were actually outside of my mom’s house and she was like, ‘oh where’s your dad’s truck?’”

“What’d you tell her?”

“I said he was camping. Then she mentioned something about it in front of my mom and I had to tell her to just forget it for the time being, and then I told her about it later.” Tears were scratching at the corners of my eyes. “And I just fucking sat there with my head in her lap and I cried for like two hours. Just cried and snotted all over the place and it was the lamest thing I’ve ever done in my life.”

Craig sat there quietly. “It’s not lame, Matt.”

“And she sat there and she let me cry, she got up and wiped my nose and let me cry even more, like I was some little kid who’d just scraped his knee at preschool.” I said. “If that was Courtney, she’d have made fun of me or told me to get the fuck off of her or something else. But not Aspen, she just let me cry. And I think that’s why I’m starting to let myself become interested. Because she doesn’t sit there and needle and pick at me. She knows what it’s like to feel like the biggest piece of shit and she doesn’t want me to feel like that.”

John opened the door, startling both of us. “You guys going to sit on my porch all night or what?”

He said it in a laughable tone, but both Craig and I could tell that he wanted us to leave. “Sorry, John. We were just talking. We’ll leave now.”

Both of us stood up and I walked inside the house, tucking my arms under Aspen’s body and scooping her up into my arms, carrying her out to the car. We quietly said bye to John and Craig opened up the door and helped me move the seat.

“What are you doing?” Aspen mumbled, pushing her hair out of her face.

“We gotta take Craig home real quick and then we’ll go home and go to sleep.” I said.

She nodded towards me and lay down in the back seat. I grabbed the keys from Craig and started the car. We drove to his house with the radio playing lightly and as he got out of the car, he smiled at me.

“Just be careful, Matt. I like you happy.”

“See you later, Craig.” I grinned.

The drive home was short and Aspen had already climbed out of the car by the time I had my door open. I grabbed her hand and we walked sleepily to the door, where I jammed the key in the doorknob. I flicked on the light and Aspen walked into the bedroom. I took my coat off and left the cigarettes on the counter, following Aspen.

Both of us were in bed within two minutes. I wrapped my arms around Aspen and pulled her closer to me, pressing my lips to the back of her neck. “You asleep?”

“No.”

“I have to tell you something.”

“What?”

“I was talking to Craig about you tonight and I think that I finally realized something.”

“What did you finally realize?”

“That I love you.”

She breathed out softly. “Are you sure?”

“What do you mean am I sure?”

“I’m not a rebound, am I?” I could hear the smirk in her voice.

I squeezed her tightly. “No, you’re not a god damn rebound.” I paused. “I mean what I say. I love you.”

“I love you too, Matt.”