Love, Aspen

“Aly? Are you there? Is everything okay? Did you hear from Aspen? I had no fucking way to get a hold of her because I took the phone… I should have left it at the apartment. I’ve been worried about her all night.”

“Matt.”

“Aspen? What the fuck! Are you there? Are you with Aly? I’m sorry I left. I didn’t know what to do… I was so worried about you but I didn’t know if I should wait for you to come back. Why couldn’t you just tell me what was going on? You didn’t--“ He stopped short, “I hope you didn’t… Oh my god, are you there?”

Matt’s hardly sober voice filled my ears at 4 in the morning and it was the only sound that could calm me from the horrible nightmare I’d just had. I woke up and dug around Craig and Aly’s house until I found Aly’s phone, lying beside her on the bedside table. I was able to find a sloppily executed text from Matt asking about me and instantly dialed his phone number. I had to get four or five phone calls in before he actually answered the phone. All I had to say was his name and he knew it was me. Before I could even think straight, he was throwing questions at me. He sounded scared and so far away, but nothing in the world made me feel better than his voice coming through the speaker on Aly’s phone.

“Damn it, Aspen.” He snapped, “are you there? You’re with Aly. Are you at Craig’s house?”

Question after question, he asked me and I just couldn’t answer a damn thing. After Aly had spoken with Craig earlier that night, I agreed with her that telling Craig what was going on was okay; but I didn’t want Matt to know about anything yet. I didn’t feel it was fair to Matt to tell him about any of this over the phone. He deserved to see me and hear it from me in person. I wasn’t about to destroy things with him over the phone. I had almost decided at this point that me having this baby was not a good decision, but yet, I still felt the need to speak with Matt regarding the situation. I couldn’t just let go of something both of us had created without speaking to him first.

I wiped snot from my nose and Aly stirred in the bed next to me. I had found myself laying in her and Craig’s bed, dialing Matt’s phone number. I wasn’t sure what my next move was. I didn’t think Matt would actually answer the phone so early in the morning.

Actually, I did. I knew he’d answer the damn phone. At any point in time in the last few years, had he not been there for me? No. I covered my mouth to hide my ragged breathing as Matt still attempted to coax an explanation out of me.

“Aspen!” He whispered loudly. I could hear his voice shaking at this point, “please just fucking talk to me. Tell me you’re okay. I need to know that things are okay with you. Please don’t do anything to hurt yourself.”

I remained silent, his voice was calming towards me at this moment in time. Aly shifted again in the bed. She made a soft noise and my heart began to pound.

“I know you’re with Aly.” He began to reason with himself, “so you must be okay and safe, but I want to hear your voice.” He was crying now, “I want you to know that there is nothing in this world that you could do to make me love you any less. You’re the girl that I’ve been waiting for. I had no idea you were her, but over these last few months, I have finally realized that you are it. You’re the one I would do anything for. Fuck anyone else I’ve ever been with, Aspen. I love you more than anything in this entire world.”

He fell silent and I remained silent, his heavy breathing the only thing that accompanied me. Aly rubbed her eyes and opened them now, she looked startled that I was sitting next to her in the bed. Realization hit her and she sat up. She looked at me, the phone pressed tightly against my ear, tears running down my face.

“Aspen?” She croaked, “what are you doing?”

Matt’s voice on the other end of the phone rambled on about his love for me and how he would do anything on the earth to make sure I was okay. Aly held her hand out for the phone and my joints creaked as I passed Matt’s desperate voice to her.

“Matt?” She asked sleepily, “hey, Matt. No everything is totally fine. Yeah, Aspen is here with me. She uh, must have had a nightmare or something. No, she’s cool. She’s alright.” She paused and yanked the chain to the lamp on the table next to her.

Both her and I winced at the sharp light hitting our eyes. I was still completely silent. She rubbed her face. I could hear Matt’s voice going a million miles a minute, wanting to speak to me, wanting to make sure I was okay. He wanted me to know that he loved me.

Aspen nodded along to Matt’s hysterics. She comforted him in a way I obviously didn’t know how to do. Over the next five minutes, Aly gripped my hand tightly in hers, rubbing circles on the top of my hand. She use her calm voice and words to talk to Matt at the same time.

“I don’t think Aspen wants to talk right now. I know, I know she called you, but I think she just had a nightmare and got upset. I know she wants to talk to you, but I think that she wants to do it in person.” She paused, listening to Matt some more, “I promise I will tell her that she loves you. I know Aspen loves you too, Matt. You need to get some sleep. I will call you guys tomorrow. I’ve got Aspen, she’s not going anywhere. She’s safe and she’s okay. Get some sleep. I love you too.” She laughed softly, “Matt. I’ve got everything under control. I promise. Get some sleep, please.”

She hung up the phone and looked over at me. Her mouth was upturned in frustration but her eyes showcased the sadness that was clouding her thoughts.

“Aspen…” She said softly, “why are you making this so hard on yourself?”

I gripped her hand tightly and shook my head, looking towards the door down the hallway, “I don’t know.”

She sighed. “You know you need to speak with him. You can’t just let him be this worried about everything…”

I nodded. “I know, I know. I just can’t tell him everything I’m feeling over the phone. It’s too much. I need to be able to see Matt and talk to him.”

Aly was quiet now. She rubbed her eyes and sighed loudly. Both of us didn’t say anything for a couple minutes. She seemed to be deep in thought, looking across the room. I busied myself picking at a loose thread that was coming off the shirt I was wearing.

I broke the silence after a few minutes, “I’m going to go smoke.”

Without waiting for her reply, I got off the bed and went into the kitchen where my pack of cigarettes was. I grabbed a beer from the fridge and stepped onto the back porch, lighting a cigarette. About halfway through, the noise of the sliding glass door caught my attention. Aly’s slender legs took a seat next to me on the porch. Although I’d never seen her smoke, she had a cigarette in her mouth and a hand out for the lighter I had.

After she lit up, she let out a long stream of smoke and flicked the little bit of ash she had on the end of her cigarette. “Let’s go see them.”

“What?” I asked.

“Let’s go see them. They’re playing a show in Salt Lake tomorrow. It’s only a four or five hour drive from Boise. We’ll pack up the car and go out and see them. You can watch Matt play a show and afterwards, you can surprise him.”

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

“Well, then what the fuck is a good idea?” She snapped at me. “Are you going to wait until he’s back in town in three months?”

I shrunk back into myself. Although beside the point, I could see now why Craig was so fond of Aly. She could be the most comforting person in the world until you needed a kick in the ass and then she was right there to deliver it.

I studied the end of my cigarette before taking another long drag, “no, you’re right. I do need to see Matt.” I sighed and took another drag, “do you think he’ll be mad that we just show up?”

She laughed at me now, “yes, I think Matt and Craig will be absolutely livid that we decided to show up and surprise them.” She nudged me on the knee to show she was playing and not angry with me, “I think it will be really good for Matt. He’s dying, Aspen, you’ve gotta throw the guy a bone. He’s losing his fucking mind.”

My body was cold from the cold October air. I shivered slightly as I looked over at her, “no, you’re right. Let’s go. Let’s go see the show and then afterwards, I will sit down with Matt and talk to him.”

“Have you decided what you want to do yet?”

I shook my head, “no. I haven’t. Like I said, I don’t feel ready, but all that could change after I talk to Matt. Who knows what he wants.” I suddenly became conscious once again of the baby in my stomach and flicked my cigarette away from me. The open beer next to my foot was untouched minus me twisting the lid off. “I just don’t want to hurt him anymore.”

She nodded, “yeah, he doesn’t deserve that.”

“I just feel so fucking stupid.”

“Well,” she paused, “you made a really big mistake taking off like you did. But after talking to Craig, I really can understand what was going through your head at the time and I can honestly say that I don’t blame you. It’s a lot to take in, and maybe if the timing were better, like in terms of them not leaving on tour; things would have been different.”

I nodded. “Yeah I guess so.”

“Well.” She stood up, “let’s get a few hours of sleep in and then we’ll pack up and hit the road. I think that a surprise trip to Salt Lake would make Matt feel a lot better.” She was quiet for a moment, “you know, regardless of whether or not you two decide to keep the baby, Matt is still going to love you and want to be with you. So you need to make this decision based solely on what you believe is best. Don’t let him leaving you be an influence because it’s not going to.”

She held out a hand to me and I stood up with her. She hugged me tightly, patting my back softly, “we’ll get through this, Aspen. One way or another, we will figure it all out.”

I let her drag me back into the house and into her bed. I curled up on my side of the bed, clutching my pillow tightly. And although I had a lot of doubts and different things swimming around in my head, I was able to fall asleep rather quickly. Whether it was from pure exhaustion or the fact that I was going to see Matt within the next 12 hours, I felt at ease and I slipped away into a soft sleep rather quickly.