I Can Transform You

POV: Frank

I ditched school after History class and hurried straight home, in the hope of finding Gerard and sorting this shit out. I had to face him at some point, even though I knew he probably wanted to punch me twice as hard as he’d punched Matty.

Therefore, I had mentally prepared myself for the collision of his fist with my face when I got back to the house. I was going to stand there and take it, because I knew I deserved it.

I was not prepared, however, to not even find Gerard, but instead just find boxes of my stuff and all my clothes strewn across the landing outside our bedroom. I stepped over everything and ran up to the bedroom door to find a note that simply said “fuck you.”

Things were worse than I thought.

Panic settled in and I grabbed the door handle and tried to force it open, but nothing happened; it was locked. I was shut out completely.

“Gerard!” I shouted, pounding on the door erratically. “Let me in!”

There was no reply. The only sound I could hear was my heavy breathing, which was trying to keep up with my irregular heart. I felt helpless and frantic with worry. What was he doing on the other side of the door?

I held onto the door frame, gripping it tightly as the tears started stinging my eyes.

“Fuck, Gerard… Talk to me!” I begged desperately, needing to hear his voice. “I’m sorry!” It wasn’t an empty apology; it was whole-hearted, desperate, pleading.

And still, no reply.

I let go of the door and span around, scanning the landing frantically, searching for something to help me. I just needed someone to tell me what to do because I was in a state of panic, fucking lost for ideas.

I ran my fingers through my hair, pulling at it in distress, as I turned back to face the door. I couldn’t help but throw myself at it again, using my whole body to try and force it open once more. The only thing I accomplished from doing that was a bruised shoulder.

“Gerard, please!” I choked, the tears now streaming down my face.

As the tears began to fall, so did I. Turning my back to the door, I slid down it until I was crouched on the floor, holding my knees under my chin.

What if he’s hurt himself? All because of me…

“I’m so sorry,” I choked again, my head falling back against the door with a soft thud. My voice came out barely louder than a whisper; “Please… Tell me you haven’t done anything stupid…”

I couldn’t stop the vivid image of Gerard slitting his wrists from shooting my mind like a bullet. I’d seen with my own eyes the kind of self-destruction he was prone to. I’d also read about it in his diary… I knew he was suicidal.

What if this has all pushed him too far? I will never forgive myself if he’s done something-

“The only stupid thing I did was put my trust in you,” came a strangled reply. I could hear the tears in his small voice. “I won’t make that mistake again.”

At first I didn’t even register what he had said; just the fact that he had said something was enough to make the relief flood through me. He was alive! And he sounded so close… He had to literally be sitting on the floor leaning against the door like me, on the other side.

Even though I knew there was only a door dividing us, I felt so far away from him.

As I slowly absorbed his words and how broken he sounded, my heart sunk dramatically, completely draining any positive feeling I had.

I jumped to my feet and span around to face the door again, as if I was expecting him to let me in now that I knew he was definitely in there. But of course the door wasn’t about to swing open to reveal him standing there with open arms any time soon…

“You have every right to be upset,” I spoke in a low voice, moving as close to the crack in the door as I could. I just wanted it to disappear… I needed to see him standing in front of me. “I- I messed up… But you’ve got to give me a chance to make this right again.”

I can fix this. I have to! I can’t stand the thought of Gerard never speaking to me again… I can’t even remember my life without Gerard in it. Whether I was being his friend or his enemy, I was still focusing all my attention on him. He’s been a massive part of my life and I can’t just let it go because of this.

“If I was willing to sort things out, I wouldn’t have chosen expulsion from school over being in the same room with you,” he replied flatly, reminding me how out of hand this whole situation had gotten. “I’m done with you, Frank.”

Despite the fact that his sharp words had completely shattered my heart, and the tears were now threatening to blind me, I forced myself to stay strong and not crack completely. I wasn’t going to give in so easily. I couldn’t just give up on Gerard… I fucking loved him and I knew he loved me too.

“Gerard, come on… I know you’re angry, but this wasn’t worth getting yourself kicked out of school over,” I spoke realistically, thinking about how his dad was going to go fucking mental about him being expelled.

I barely even paused for breath before continuing in my desperate rant.

“And you can’t just kick me out of your life over this… You don’t even know my side of the story! You’re being irrational! Are you just gonna take Matty’s word without hearing mine?”

This isn’t fair. Since when does Gerard believe what Matty says anyway? They hate eachother…

“I’m being irrational?” Gerard repeated in a tone of disbelief, like he couldn’t see how he was being the least bit unreasonable. “Fuck you! I don’t need to hear your fucking excuses, Frank!” He was shouting now, his voice raised in obvious rising frustration. “I’ve heard all I need to hear to know you’re a two-faced fucking backstabber, and there is nothing you can say to make me forgive you!”

But how can he have heard everything when he hasn’t heard my reasons for what I did? There must be something I can say to gain his forgiveness… This can’t be the end…

“Gerard, for fuck sake!” I exclaimed, frustrated by his stubbornness. The lump in my throat was rising and I knew I was going to choke soon and break down completely. “I didn’t mean for things to turn out like this. I wasn’t trying to hurt you! I had good intentions, I swear to God!”

It was never my intention to go through with the plan. I just wanted an excuse to hang out with Gerard… To transform him…

“As if I’m gonna fucking believe a word you say now! Just leave me alone, Iero,” he retorted dismissively.

Before I could reply, every other sound was suddenly drowned out by ear-splitting music playing on the other side of the door, so loud I couldn't even hear myself think anymore.

The impact of his rejection hit me like a car crash, causing a break down in me. Sobbing loudly, unheard by Gerard over his deafening music, I fell to the floor again, doubled over with my head in my hands.

***

POV: Gerard

Lying face down on my bed with my face in my pillow, I played my music full blast for hours on end, trying to drown out all of my surroundings… Trying my best to block out Frank.

I didn’t want or need to hear his fucking excuses. The fact of the matter is, I trusted him with things I’ve never trusted anyone with, and he stabbed me in the back, and in the heart too. He told Matty and fuck knows who else about my messed up life. And for that, I would never forgive him or believe another word he said.

For some reason, he wasn’t letting go easily. I found it ironic, considering earlier today he was the one telling me to let go... I thought this is what he fucking wanted. Yet here he was, refusing to leave me alone. In between songs, when the music died briefly, he would make another desperate plea for me to talk to him, and it made me cry even harder.

Somewhere deep inside I wanted to listen to him… I wanted to forgive him, because I loved him. And I could tell he felt bad and his apologies were genuine… But that wasn’t enough. Too little, too late. I couldn’t let myself get blinded by love; I’d be a fool to give him a second chance. He’s hurt me too many times.

It’s in the best interest for both of us that we just stay away from eachother from now on.