Save Me

“Oh, Morgie,” I whispered

I slowly wrapped my arms around his body, trying my best to pry the cell phone out of Morgan’s grip, which I’ll admit, he did put up quite a fight for. But I eventually got him to let go, and I put it further up the bed before returning my full attention to him again.

“She’s gone,” Morgan whimpered.

And that’s all I needed to know.

“Oh baby. Oh baby I’m so sorry,” I choked, clutching him to my chest.

“She’s gone, and I only saw her two days ago! Two fucking days, Tee, and I’ll never see her again. Never,” Morgan sobbed.

I didn’t stop his fists beating weakly at my chest, just let him get his frustration out. I know full well that he can usually hit a lot harder than this, and that only makes his actions worse. The news of his m-momma’s death is devastating him. I never thought I’d see him like this.

“It’ll be okay, Morgie. I promise,”

“How can you promise that when she’s not here?” Morgan hiccupped.

I didn’t have an answer for that.

“What the hell happened to your door?!”

For once I was glad for Morgan’s dad’s interruption. But not his tone of voice.

“I had to beat the door down to get to Morgan. Literally. I’m assuming you know what happened to his mom,” I said softly, Morgan burying his face in my neck so he didn’t have to look at his dad.

“Oh Morgan…” his dad murmured.

He started to enter the room but I shook my head slowly. As much as I want Morgan and his dad to bond, this really isn’t the time. Morgan’s dad’s face came over with sadness and he nodded, stepping back outside the room. Maybe he isn’t completely heartless after all.

“I’ll be downstairs if you need me,” he announced.

I just nodded, stroking Morgan’s hair. I don’t know how long we were sitting like that for, but I know it took a long time for Morgan to stop crying and shaking. Fuck, I don’t even know what to think right now. The thought of Ellie, his mom, gone forever…all I can imagine is that Morgan feels like I did when I lost Jensen, except that he got to be with his mom for longer than I did with my brother. And I didn’t know Jensen was going to die, while Morgan knew his mom wouldn’t survive the summer. How is he going to cope with this? I don’t know if he will be able to. She was his world.

Eventually Morgan lifted his head from my chest and looked at me.

“I don’t know what to do, Tee,” Morgan said shakily, “I’m scared,”

That admission made my heart break right then and there.

“I’ll be right by your side, whatever you decide to do first,” I reassured, pecking his lips with a gentle kiss.

I intended to pull away, but Morgan slid his hand behind my head, keeping our lips pressed together firmly. I inhaled sharply, but let him control our embrace, kissing me slowly but passionately until my head started to spin. This…this is intense. This feels like a goodbye kiss. I don’t understand. I’m not going anywhere and neither is he. Right?

“I-I’ve got to get back for the funeral,” Morgan sniffed, wiping his face dry with his sleeve.

I nodded, taking his hand in mine. I knew this was going to have to be done, I just didn’t expect him to be so open about it.

“I know. Do you want me to book our flights, or do you want to?” I asked.

Morgan was silent for a little while longer than I would’ve liked. Uh, what’s wrong?

“Nothing’s wrong,” Morgan mumbled.

Apparently I asked that out loud. Whoops. His answer tells me that he’s lying though.

“Don’t bullshit me, Morgie. Not right now,” I sighed, rubbing my thumb over his knuckles.

I frowned as Morgan pulled his hand out of my grip and moved off my lap to sit beside me, clasping his hands together in his own lap.

“I want to go back alone,” he murmured.

“W-What? You’re fucking with me, right?” I spluttered.

Morgan just looked at me with his dark eyes, and right then I knew he’d never been more serious. But why?

“I just have to,” Morgan said stiffly.

Apparently I asked that out loud again.

“No, you don’t. You don’t have to bottle everything up anymore – I’m here for you and you know that! You don’t have to block everything out anymore because you have me to vent to, to be angry at, to cry with…the point of me being your boyfriend is that we do things together,” I exasperated.

“Not this time,” Morgan mumbled.

I gritted my teeth, my fists clenching out of frustration. Why is he being so difficult? I just want to be there for him on the day he’s been dreading all summer. What is it about this that he doesn’t understand?!

“I’m going with you,” I said firmly.

“No you’re not,” Morgan replied.

“Yes I am, I’m…”

“No you’re not!” Morgan yelled at me.

My jaw dropped slightly at his outburst. What the fuck?! This time I didn’t even get the chance to ask this out loud, because he just carried on.

“I’m going back to Texas alone okay? I don’t want you by my side for my mom’s funeral because this is my problem, not yours. I don’t want you to be a part of this because this might be fucking new for you, but it’s been ongoing for me. I don’t want you trying to protect me because I can look after myself,” Morgan said angrily.

“But…”

Morgan growled softly to interrupt me and I trailed off with a whimper. I don’t want you by my side. I don’t want you to be a part of this. I don’t want you trying to protect me.

I don’t want…

He doesn’t want me anymore. I-I don’t understand. What have I done wrong? I know he just lost his mom, but I haven’t done anything wrong…have I?

“I’m going back to Texas alone…and I don’t know if I’ll be coming back,” Morgan finished quietly.

His gaze dropped to the floor as my eyes filled with tears. H-He can’t mean that!

“But what about us?” I whispered.

Morgan chewed his snakebites, before looking back up at me.

“I love you, Tee, but my m-momma dying showed me that I can’t keep the people I love around me forever. I’ve got to look out for me, and me only. I’ve got to do what’s best for me,” Morgan said softly.

“So you think by losing your mom, that you could lose me too and you just want to beat fate to the punch? You don’t have to go back to Texas for good. You can stay here, with me. You can be with me and nothing else will matter,” I choked.

His silence was deafening. Morgan just looked away from me and underneath my sadness, a streak of anger shot through. Fine. Just fucking fine.

“If you don’t want me, then I guess I have no reason to stay here anymore,” I muttered, standing up from his bed.

“Tee, please don’t be like this,” Morgan sighed, running his hand through his hair.

Don’t be like what? He’s the one that said he’d rather give me up and move back to Texas than give us a real shot.

“I’ll come back for my shit when you’re gone for the funeral. I’m sorry about your mom, Morgie, I really am. I hope one day you’ll see that you don’t have push everyone away to keep them safe,” I said as calmly as I could.

Tears started to well up in Morgan’s eyes now, but I forced myself to look away. I get it. I can’t be here right now. Maybe if I’ll leave he’ll change his mind. Maybe.

“I really hope this isn’t goodbye, Morgan,” I murmured, not looking back at him as I stood in the doorway.

I didn’t even bother to stop the tears falling down my face when I didn’t get a reply.