Save Me

“Friends, loved ones and family, today we say goodbye to a remarkable woman. Elle Jones was a wonderful person, an outstanding mother to Morgan and an amazing friend to everyone who knew her…”

The rest of the Pastor’s words swum around my head as I watched my mom’s casket being lowered down into the ground, tears running unashamedly down my cheeks. This is it. This is the day that I have to let her go, and I really don’t want to. I mean, how can I? How can I truly say goodbye to my mom, the woman who raised me, who loved me despite all my fuck-ups, who was there for me when I needed her? Where was I when she needed me the most? Florida – not here. I should have been here. I should never have left.

This is my home, not in Florida with my ‘Father’, not even with…Tryce. Fuck, I can’t think of him, not now. Not after what I said to him. Not after what he said to me. There aren’t many things I regret in this world, but leaving him the way I did was one of them. He deserved so much more than that – he still does. Which is why I can’t go back. He can do better than me, and he will, given time.

“...It is hard to say goodbye and we don’t want to, but we need to remember that she touched so many people’s lives, so positively. Ellie leaves an amazing legacy behind, her joy, her laughter, her hope. Elle Jones left the world in a better place than when she found it and for that we will always be grateful. Ellie, we miss you – but we will always remember you,”

I couldn’t stop the sob that choked from my throat as the first shovel of dirt was thrown over the casket, desperately wanting to stop them covering her up, knowing that this makes it final. As soon as her grave is filled, I have to accept that she’s not going to be there in the mornings with a tired smile, that she’s not going to playfully scold me for leaving my stuff all over the house, that she’s not going to be the last person I see at night. I have to accept that she’s gone – and I can’t do that.

As more dirt was shovelled into the grave, more sobs tore from me, and it was like they unhinged a waterfall of everything I’d repressed from leaving Florida, everything I was trying to forget. All those last horrible moments hit me all at once, making me see what I’d refused to see before.

“I’m going back to Texas alone okay? I don’t want you by my side for my mom’s funeral because this is my problem, not yours. I don’t want you to be a part of this because this might be fucking new for you, but it’s been ongoing for me. I don’t want you trying to protect me because I can look after myself,”

I can’t believe I said those things to him. Tryce was only trying to help and I just pushed him away. I pushed him away like he meant nothing to me and that’s so far from the truth. How could I have thought that I could leave him back there? How could I have thought I could live without him?

More dirt.

“So you think by losing your mom, that you could lose me too and you just want to beat fate to the punch? You don’t have to go back to Texas for good. You can stay here, with me. You can be with me and nothing else will matter,”

Oh Tryce. My beautiful Tryce. He begged me to stay and I ignored him like he was garbage. How could I do that to him?

More dirt.

“If you don’t want me, then I guess I have no reason to stay here anymore,”

I should’ve screamed at him how much I wanted him, instead of burying everything under the heartbreak of my mom’s death. She would’ve wanted me to stay with him, I know she would.

More dirt.

“I hope one day you’ll see that you don’t have push everyone away to keep them safe,”

She would’ve wanted me to stay with him.

More dirt.

“I really hope this isn’t goodbye, Morgan”

Oh fuck! What am I doing?! I have to go! I have to get back to Tryce!

“Morgan, it’s over, come on we have to leave now”

I snapped out of my thoughts, eyes catching onto my three friends, Tommy, Michael and Liam. They frowned at the wild look in my eyes.

“Are you alright, man?” Michael frowned.

“No, no I have to get out of here,” I said desperately.

“And that’s why we’re taking you back to your house,” Liam said slowly, confused.

“No! I have to get out of here – I need to get back to Florida, to Tryce!” I whimpered.

Slowly but surely, all three of them grinned.

“Finally, he gets it,” Tommy said happily.

“W-What?” I whimpered.

“Dude, for the last week since you came back to sort out the funeral, you haven’t been right. I mean, there’s always been something wrong with you but it wasn’t until you brought Tryce here two weeks ago that we figured it out,” Tommy shrugged.

“It’s Tryce that makes you whole, makes you happy. You’re a completely different person when you’re around him, and that person’s a better person. You should be with him, not here,” Michael explained.

“We’ve been waiting for you to figure it out,” Liam added.

My breath hitched in my throat. They knew and I didn’t? Does that mean Tryce knows? Does that mean the boy I love knows I’ll be coming back for him, despite what I said?

“But what about my mom? And the house? And you guys…”

“Chill, Morgan. Your mom will always be here – you can visit her grave any time you want. The house is just a house now – sure it’s got memories, but you can make new ones in a new house, with Tryce. And we’ll always be here too – that’s the wonders of the internet,” Tommy chuckled.

Tears filled my eyes making my three friends laugh softly, and pull me into a group hug.

“Come on, let’s get your shit sorted. Our parents will help you sell the house and we’ll help you pack everything up, and you can decide how you’re going to win Tryce back,” Tommy said.

I bit my bottom lip but nodded. I don’t like accepting help from others, but this time I need it. I need everything to go right so I can get Tryce back in my arms. This isn’t something I can just make up as I go along – I have to plan this properly. I can’t lose him. I’ve already lost my mom and I can’t lose him too – he was right, I can’t push everyone away. I’m going to do this right.

“Guys, I have a plan,” I said firmly.