Just Look at the Mess You've Made

Gerard hates me. All because I'm a freak. I knew there would be nothing good to come from being in this place. I didn't even want to come to this place anyway, my mum and Bob were the ones who told me about this place and it was my mum who made me come here. There was also a reason why I didn't let Gerard know.

And this was exactly why.

I didn't want him to hate me which is why I didn't want to tell him. But it backfired and he hates me so much now.

“Mikey, shh, calm down. He doesn't hate you, he's just tired.”

I couldn't stop the tears and sobs racking my body despite everything that Bob told me. Nothing he could say would stop me feeling like this over my own brother hating me.

It didn't even matter that he had made my best friend like I am. I wouldn't give a damn about it a single bit as long as he no longer hated me. But he sounded so angry when he left.

“Mikey, c'mon calm down for me. It's no good for you getting all worked up. Take deep breaths for me.”

I knew he was right, that's what the 'baby therapist' person told us everytime we saw her. 'Don't get worked up over anything, it's not good for the baby. Just take calm deep breaths; In, out, in, out.'

I don't like her.

But even so, I did what Bob was saying and took deep breaths between my sobs. It was hard not to think about what had just happened because then that would bring about another round of sobbing, and my deep breaths were aiming to stop them. And Bob was still telling me to take deep breaths which I kept on doing.

My eyes were beginning to feel red-raw as my crying died down. I tried blinking several times to make it go away but it didn't help. So I brought my palm up to my eyes and rubbed against them. They were really irritating me.

“Look at what you've done now, you've tired yourself out with all the crying, Mikey.”

When Bob murmured that into my ear I moved my head from resting on his chest to on his shoulder. A few stray tears were still on my face that I couldn't be bothered to reach up and wipe away. Bob reached up and wiped away a few instead.

“But he hates me, Bob. He hates me...”

“He could never hate you. This is just all new to him, he's just stressed. Like you are, Mikey. You just both deal with it in different ways.”

We just stayed like that for a while. Bob with his arms around me and me with my head resting on his shoulder. The occasional sniff came from me, but other than that the room was silent. They hadn't even been here a day and all this had happened. And it's all my fault. My fault that I was pregnant, my fault that Gerard had got angry at us and hates me now. It was my fault that it all happened because I didn't tell them. I didn't want him to think I was a freak.

I never wanted to be a freak, and I still don't, but there's nothing I can do about it. No matter how much I want to stop being one.

Sighing, I closed my eyes and curled up more into Bob. Since we got here I haven't been able to sleep without Bob. He's almost like my comforter in this place. In fact, I didn't want to be alone at all in this place which meant that we were almost always together. I know it must be annoying for Bob having to always be around me, but I can't help it. He never complains about it, even when I ask him about it. He always tells me it's fine and he doesn't mind.

I'm worried he does mind.

A few minutes had passed before I heard some talking. Considering the door was still wide open because Frank didn't closed it, we could hear, faintly, talking from the hallway. It was them, Gerard and Frank. I squeezed my eyes tighter shut and buried my head into Bob's shoulder. I wasn't sure I could face him being angry again.

Almost as if Bob knew what I was thinking about, his arm that was around me gave a little comfort squeeze. Which did little to comfort me.

“Mikey, can we talk?”

Alone, he wants to talk alone. I shouldn't be worried or anything, he's my brother afterall and we always used to talk alone, but after what happened before I was a bit worried. I didn't want to end up crying again.

But he was my brother. It's why I pulled away from Bob, wiped my eyes and nodded at him. My nails became my comforter as Bob left the room with Frank. The first time I saw Gerard in three weeks resulted in him yelling at me, I have an excuse to need a comforter. He sighed, looked at me before running his hand through his hair.

“Mikey, I don't hate you. I could never hate you, you know that right? I was just....fuck, you're my baby brother but you're here and....and pregnant! And I'm here with Frank and everything. It's just a little stressful at the moment.”

I didn't really know what to say so I just continued chewing my nails for a while. He was standing there, watching me.

“I'm sorry.”

When I muttered that he shook his head before running his hand through his hair again.

“No, Mikey, I'm sorry. I made you cry, I would never mean to make you cry and I feel absolutely horrible about it. You're my brother and I love you, Mikes, I shouldn't have made you cry, especially in a situation like this.”

I started sniffing and blinking quickly halfway through him speaking to try and stop the tears that were threatening to come out. Obviously I didn't stop them good enough because Gerard came over to me and wrapped his arms around me.

“Oh, Mikey, I didn't mean to make you cry again.”

I shook my head.

“You're not. I'm just feeling like a girl, really emotional.”

A small laugh came from him.

“At least you admit it, Mikey.”

I felt much better now that he no longer hated me. And he was here, which even though why he was here I wasn't too fond of, I loved the fact that he was.