I'm a Walking Travesty

ZACK

The moment I saw her with Alex, my heart wrenched. I had to do heavy breathing exercises to calm myself down. I swear, if I didn’t have any self control at all, I would’ve pounced at him. How the hell is he able to come here and take away everything that ever mattered to me? Why the fuck would he even try?

I totally spaced out and forgot that Kayla was with me until she waved her cotton candy in front of my face. Normally, I would enjoy a snack of sugar spun around on a stick and vanishes in your mouth, but if I had to enjoy it with Kayla, I would rather pass.

I don’t even know why I was with her right now. I didn’t know why I kissed her when we were at Starbucks. I was just having a bad day and coincidentally, she was too. That doesn’t give me any reason though.

“Hey, are you even listening to me?” she asked, snapping her fingers to catch my attention.

“Sorry,” was all I could say. I really didn’t want to get caught up in her web. Where was I when I jumped headfirst into this mess? I guess I just wanted someone to entertain me for a while. I didn’t think it’d turn into a whole day thing. Kayla’s usually just a fuck buddy and I call her every now and then when I want something from her, but I was surprised when she asked me if I wanted to go to the carnival tonight. I didn’t know how to respond to that so I just said yes.

“I know that face,” she mentioned, as she took a seat on a bench. She patted the space beside her and I sat on it.

“What face?” I asked rather curiously.

“The face you have on when you’re aggravated about a girl. It happens when you go through a break up or an argument,” she said knowingly.

“There’s a face for that?” I asked myself more than I asked her.

“Zack, don’t you think I know why you call me up in the middle of the night just so you can ask me to meet up with you the next day?” She seemed hurt but I could never really tell with her.

I didn’t answer her. She just gave out a small laugh and went back to eating her cotton candy. I couldn’t say I felt guilty about anything since it was like a habit for me to call her whenever things like these happens but I wish I hadn’t. Calling her is equivalent to running away from my problems. It shows how weak I am as a person and I needed to change that. I needed to fit this body with my personality.

“Well, I guess I’ll just head home now,” I said after a few minutes of silence.

“But we didn’t even get to do anything yet,” she whined. I rolled my eyes and said goodbye before making my way to the exit.

I got into my car, realizing that Kayla didn’t really have a ride home. I didn’t want to go back in there so I just drove away not giving a fuck about what happens to her. I shouldn’t have called her today or ever. Thinking about it makes me feel so disgusted. How could I have ever stooped so low?

Once I finished the ten minute drive to my house – could’ve been five but for some reason there was a traffic jam somewhere in the middle – I parked the car in the garage and made my way to the door. I was about to open it when I heard loud moans.

“Alex!” I heard Mia moan out loud.

Anger shot through me as I burst inside the door and ran to living room. I rushed in just to see that Alex was on top of her – with clothes on – tickling her sides.

“I give up, I give up!” she yelled and he finally got off of her.

It took both of them a minimum of ten seconds to notice that I was standing in the living room watching them.

“Hey Zack, didn’t hear you come in,” Alex said, helping Mia off of the couch.

Gee, I wonder why, I thought to myself. “Yeah, well I just got here,” I said in the calmest voice possible before walking towards the kitchen.

I knew Alex and Kayla had some kind of history but I didn’t really think it’d bother him that much that I was hanging with her.

I heard a bedroom door slam and I was expecting to see Alex come into the kitchen but to my surprise, it was Mia. I grabbed a beer from the fridge and opened the can while casually walking to the side. I didn’t know what to say to her so I just kept my mouth shut.

“Okay, I know I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that this morning and I’m sorry,” she apologized sincerely, leaning against the counter.

I almost spit out the beer that made its way down my throat. I looked at her in the strangest way. I gave her a look but she just shrugged it off.

“You are aware that it was my fault, right?” I didn’t really feel good admitting it like that but she shouldn’t really be apologizing for something she didn’t do even if I’m the one to blame here.

“I just don’t want to fight with you anymore,” she said, making her way towards me. She looked into my eyes before wrapping her arms around me.

I put the can down and held her tightly. I never thought that forgiveness would come this easily for me but I’m glad I was given this opportunity.

“I don’t like fighting with you either,” I told her.

She pulled back a few inches but kept her hands on my shoulders. I kept mine on her hips. I love how we were both right here in this moment.

“So now you have to give me your approval,” she changed the subject.

When we were young, we made a promise that we’d only date someone if we both approved of him/her. If she didn’t think she was good for me, I’d stay away. If I didn’t think a guy was good for her, after much persuasion, she’d stay away from him. I never got the chance to give my approval for Eric since I wasn’t around when they got together. I tried to get her out of the mess though but he killed himself before I could do anything.

I blinked before letting go of her as I thought about what this was about. “What do you mean?” I tried to clarify.

“You know, you have to promise to stay away from Alex once we make it official,” she whispered.

“But it’s only been a day.” I know that that wasn’t really why I refused to agree to this but she didn’t have to know that.

“I know but in case it becomes something more sometime soon, I just want to know that you’re okay with it.” The way she said those words, I could never forget. She spoke with full confidence, not giving a fuck about what I might feel about this. Has she forgotten my feelings for her already?

And what if I don’t approve of this? I thought. I wanted to voice that question out badly but I knew that that would spark a fight. I hate how everything has to be so complicated.
“What about us?” I had to have some courage in me. I couldn’t live with myself if I never had the strength to tell her how I truly felt. I’d live everyday with a broken heart if that were the case.

“What about us?” she repeated in a different tone.

“I thought we had something,” I said, looking out the window.

She smirked as she grabbed my tense fist. She relieved it and opened it up. She laced her fingers with mine and kissed the back of my palm.

“I’ll always have time for you. You never have to worry about that. It won’t be like what I had with Eric. Alex is different, Zack. Just give me your approval.”

She totally misunderstood me. I didn’t know what else to say to her. I guess if I really loved her, I had to set her free. Maybe Alex can lift some of the depression that’s still in her. He was always the better guy. I sighed heavily before I put on a smile and nodded once.

“Thank you so, so, so much!” she said, wrapping her arms around me. “You won’t regret this.”

It’s too bad that I already was.