I'm a Walking Travesty

“I’ll have to think about it,”

Could I be more of a jerk? Who says that to a guy who’s obviously falling for you? Okay, maybe he’s not falling for me but he did sorta confirm that he wanted to be more than friends with me.

Ryan has this hopeful smile on. He’s trying to hide his hurt by masquerading it with his charming smile but I knew that what I said was wrong. Before I could take it back and say something else, he’s on his way to the kitchen where apparently, the rest of the guys were talking. It seemed like they were talking about something serious but gladly, Zack was in a lighter mood.

I smiled at him and he smiled back at me. After that, all the attention was on Ryan. I slid past him and grabbed a seat beside Zack and waited to see how this would turn out.

Ryan’s all nervous at first but then he looks at me and starts his speech as if I’m the only one in the room.

“Guys, there’s something I need to tell you,” his eyes refocus on the group of guys in front of him. For a second there, I think I forgot to breathe.

“What’s up?” Peter asked – curiosity evident on his facial expression.

“Well, I’m not really who you guys think I am,” this time, he focuses on Zack, “when it comes to girls,” he finishes and everyone starts snorting and rolling their eyes in disbelief.

“Please, we’ve all seen you go out with-”

“Let me finish,” Ryan interjected cutting Jon off mid-sentence. He took a deep breath and then finished his explanation which I think turned out to be a pretty good one.

He told the guys about all the girls he’s been hanging around with and explained to them that most of them were just friends while others were friends with benefits. The guys laughed at that but laughter aside, I think they actually believed Ryan. Zack on the other hand was pretty tense. From the look in his eyes, I think he knew exactly what was going on here. He didn’t say anything about it though.

“So you’re saying that you’re not exactly a player?” James asked Ryan who just nodded slowly.

“Yeah, I guess,” Ryan answered.

“And you’re actually happy about this?” Nick asked and he rolled his eyes.

“Bottom line of this confession is that I don’t like being called a player when in reality, I’m hardly doing anything that could be a factor of labelling someone a player.” He seemed a bit annoyed but relieved at the same time that the guys didn’t make fun of him or anything. I smiled at him and he smiled back at me. The guys didn’t notice it but Zack did.

“I’m gonna go order pizza,” Peter said heading to the living room where the phone was. James, Jon and Nick followed suit but Zack stayed in place. Ryan got the message and left both of us alone.

“So what do you think of him now?” I asked Zack who was now leaning against the backrest of his chair with his hands clasped behind his head.

“You don’t seriously believe all that bullshit, do you? I mean friends and friends with benefits? Doesn’t that sound-”

“Zack, he was being honest to you guys.” I reminded him but he wouldn’t hear it. He just rolled his eyes.

“I know where he’s headed with this and I’m not liking what he’s got planned,” he said staring right at me. I don’t know why his stare made me feel sorta nervous but it did.

“What do you mean?” I asked playing innocent but he sees right through me.

“You knew about this,” he states as he shakes his head. “I’ll bet you were the one told him to come out of the closet, huh?”

“Well it’s not like I agreed to do anything yet,” I muttered.

“Oh, so there’s a catch?” he asks sarcastically as he shakes his head some more in disbelief. “You can’t just go out with that guy under those circumstances,” he said.

“And who are you to tell me who to and not to go out with?” I asked him as I raised an eyebrow but he just shrugs it off as if it didn’t matter to him.

“I’m your friend – you’re best friend. And I’m only trying to protect you,” he said sounding really serious.

“Well, I can take care of myself,” I said trying to hold it together. I am so close to bursting out right now but I wouldn’t want to make up a bad impression. I mean I’m already known as the girl who tried to kill herself. I didn’t want to add anything worse to that. But no one really knew I was suicidal here. Well, no one but Zack and Peter, that is.

“Yeah, and look where we are now,” he said rolling his eyes. Sarcasm filled his tone and that got me so aggravated. I mean wasn’t he supposed to support me? I mean isn’t that what best friends are for – support?

“You know what, I might as well accept his offer. I mean what’s the worse that could happen? It’s worth a shot,” I told him and he turned to look at me fully. His eyebrows furrowed.

“You already know what’s going to happen if it doesn’t work out,” he told me and I just looked away and sighed.

“No, I don’t,” I said. “I wanna see if what he said was true,”

“Let him test his confession on some other girl. Don’t make yourself trial number 1,” he said.

“Do you seriously want to get into a fight right now? I mean it’s only the first day,” I said getting all sarcastic on him.

“You don’t know what you’re getting yourself in to,” he said looking out the window.

“And apparently you do? How? Did you go out with him or something?” I asked him and that ticked him off.

“Why are you turning the tables and making me look like the bad guy? I’m the one who’s trying to help you but you’re just pushing me away,” he said getting up suddenly creating a loud screeching noise as the legs of the chair scraped the tiled kitchen floor.

He walks away from the kitchen trying to get all his anger out but once he gets in the living room, he sees all the shocked and confused faces and that only makes him walk further until he reaches the door. Then, he gets into the car and drives off. I couldn’t care less about what happens to him right now. He’s just a selfish bastard who doesn’t want me to experience any happiness. How much more of an asshole can he be?

“Are you okay?” Ryan asks leaning against the door’s frame.

I nod slowly at him but he comes over and sits on Zack’s place anyway. He puts his arm around my shoulders and pulls me into a side hug. I feel a tad bit better but I don’t know. Part of me still wished that Eric was the one holding me. Maybe Zack is right. Maybe I’m not ready for a relationship just yet.

“You didn’t eavesdrop on the whole conversation, did you?” I asked him and he moves away just a couple of inches. I felt his eyes on me and I knew they had perplexity written all over them but I had to ask. I didn’t want anyone overhearing what we were talking about.

“Nope,” he said, “Why was there something I needed to hear?” his voice calms me even more making me want to just melt into his touch but I restrain myself from doing so. I might be mad at Zack and all but I still had to take things slow. If I rushed a relationship, it might not be what I think it’d turn out to be – which is somewhat similar to the concept of forever.

“No,” I said simply as he pulls me into another hug.

“So…are you decided yet?” he asks me in a soft, comforting tone.

I don’t answer him right away but my mind keeps screaming yes. I didn’t get to hear what my heart had to say so I jumped right on it and told him I was ready. He smiles at me and waits for me to smile back before he goes in for a kiss. So much for taking it slow.